Chapter Text
‘Lucifer, what exactly do you intend on doing if we run into anyone?’
‘Mmmm?’
Alastor let his thumb affectionately caress Lucifer’s leg, which he was holding to ensure the sleepy fallen angel didn’t fall off his back. He vaguely hoped the sensation might stimulate Lucifer into a being a little more awake, so that he didn’t need to be given a piggyback ride downstairs like a child.
‘Never mind, dear.’
Truly, Lucifer Morningstar was able to get away with far too much.
The hallways were empty and quiet as Alastor tiptoed through them on this early morning excursion. Lucifer had been right a few minutes ago when he’d pointed out that everyone would still be asleep. How unfortunate for him that Alastor had chosen to see that as all the more reason to get up, rather than an excuse to go back to sleep. It was even still a little dark, not that that bothered either of them.
Alastor’s steps were light on the mildly stained carpet. He was enjoying turning this into a game: how long could they avoid seeing anyone?
They made it down to the kitchen in near silence. Alastor’s quiet steps became audible as he stepped off the carpet onto the tiles.
With a little magic he closed the door behind them and turned the lights on – only the dim ones at this hour though. His eyes quickly adjusted to the white light. Not for the first time, he thought about potentially changing the bulb to one with a slightly warmer colour. The bright, clinical colour might have worked in an industrial kitchen, or a hospital, but it didn’t really go with all the wood in the room.
There was a clear and clean spot on the countertop where Alastor decided to set Lucifer down.
‘There you go,’ he said, fixing where Lucifer’s dressing gown had started to fall off his shoulder.
Lucifer rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as Alastor started quietly flitting about the kitchen, unloading the dishwasher.
‘I’ll make us coffee,’ he said, jumping off the counter to use his legs for the first time that day.
‘Yes, you do look like you need it,’ Alastor responded, turning to give him a fond smile. ‘Then again I believe it’s rather par for the course for our esteemed monarch to start his mornings looking like he hasn’t slept in all the many years of his immortal life.’
Lucifer stuck his tongue out in response, as he got two mugs out of the cabinet.
‘You do look rather like a zombie,’ Alastor continued with a cheeky smile, suddenly appearing at Lucifer’s side.
‘And you look like an eldritch horror,’ Lucifer retorted, turning away.
‘That’s because I am!’ Alastor said, cheerfully.
‘An ugly one,’ Lucifer specified. ‘And not a scary one.’
‘You’re not even clever in the mornings…’ Alastor drawled, as he set out two of the freshly cleaned plates from the dishwasher for them to use. ‘Or ever,’ he added, after a little consideration.
‘Zombies don’t even exist…’ Lucifer said, his brain apparently still replaying earlier parts of the conversation.
A few minutes later, Lucifer was settled at the table with a mug of coffee in his hand, and the radio was playing a cheerful tune as Alastor started to prepare breakfast.
‘Would you like pancakes?’ Alastor asked. ‘I’m trying to choose between that and toast. Or perhaps bacon.’
‘You could do all three,’ Lucifer suggested, ‘but definitely the pancakes. I can help you make them if you want. You never add enough sugar.’
‘That would be because the correct amount of sugar is none, dear, but as long as you remember that I suppose I will allow you to help.’
‘Oh, how generous,’ Lucifer said, standing up, coffee still in hand, to start helping.
They made the batter together with very few words exchanged. Alastor was, after all, far too occupied with listening to the music coming from the radio for such things, and Lucifer too tired. And it was them. They could communicate with looks and gestures. A bowl set on the counter. A carton of eggs held out. A jug of sugar set out and then pointedly set back into the cupboard again with a meaningful look. A lock appearing on said cupboard. A new jar of sugar appearing in Lucifer’s hand. A handful of flour blown in Alastor’s face and somehow all over both of them mere moments later.
Alastor cut a lemon into neat slices because he decided they would make not American-style pancakes but French-style crepes, topped with some lemon juice (and sugar, because Lucifer insisted). This, of course, meant that a bit of lemon juice managed to find its way into Lucifer’s eyes, leading to a small fire that was quickly put out.
A second and then third batch of coffee had to be made in the end as well, because the first ended up being poured unceremoniously down the sink once Alastor noticed how much milk and sugar Lucifer had added, and, unfortunately, half of the second batch ended up poured over Alastor’s head after Lucifer realised how bitter he’d made it. By the time they made a third batch there was enough adrenaline pumping through Lucifer’s body from their petty squabbling that he hardly needed coffee to wake up anymore, but he drank it anyway, and Alastor too sipped daintily at black espresso once a truce had been called.
In the end it was his own loud maniacal laughter that cost Alastor his game of how-long-can-we-avoid-being-seen. It had just been too funny how Lucifer had simply not realised that not only did he still have flour in his hair, but when he’d waved the whisk about in the air a little too dramatically (they’d begun speaking again by this point and Lucifer had been bragging about his prowess in the kitchen) a big glob of pancake batter had landed in his hair. And he’d just kept on speaking. Alastor had been unable to stop himself from bursting out in laughter, and lo and behold, a minute later Charlie and Vaggi were in the kitchen wondering what had happened.
Luckily, the two women had been quickly reassured that no one was injured and no property was damaged. That along with a promise that there would be enough pancakes for all the staff if they came back in a few minutes was enough to convince Charlie and Vaggi that they could go and get started on their own days.
Alastor was well aware, after all, that there was a lot to be done around the hotel these days. He had become a little neglectful of his own duties, for reasons he hadn’t particularly cared to dissect, and had received a couple lectures from Vaggi on how she was having to pick up that slack. Put on top of that the way Charlie was always coming up with new ideas of things they could do, and the girls were very busy. Enough so that they left Alastor and Lucifer to it.
‘You know, I dare say it would be quite interesting to get you a heart rate monitor,’ Alastor commented casually as he began cleaning up.
Lucifer looked up from the pancake he was cooking.
‘What? Why?’
‘It’s just so incredibly easy to get you wound up. Angry. Or nervous, if Charlie appears to tell you off for your latest temper tantrum. I suppose my point is that you’re rather emotional, and it makes me think your heart rate must be doing some interesting things.’
Lucifer thought about this for a moment as he flipped the pancake.
‘Well you go into a murderous rage at very slight provocation, so I think you’re being a tad hypocritical,’ he pointed out.
‘Perhaps you’re right…’ Alastor mused. ‘But the point is moot anyway.’
‘Why’s that?’
‘Why, I don’t have a heart of course!’
Lucifer laughed at this.
‘What are you talking about, Bambi? One of your victims tell you that?’
Alastor chuckled.
‘Mimsy alone has said it often enough!’ he said.
Lucifer put the spatula down and walked over to Alastor.
‘What are you doing now, you clingy little angel?’ Alastor said, lifting his arms instinctively to avoid touching and make space for Lucifer who was wrapping his arms around Alastor’s waist and pressing his ear against Alastor’s chest.
‘And… yep! There it is!’ he said, pulling his head away to look up at Alastor with a sunny smile. ‘One heartbeat.’
Alastor chuckled.
‘And besides, if you didn’t have a heart, Al, then you wouldn’t be letting me do this,’ Lucifer added.
‘Oh really…’ Alastor said, letting himself grow into his more demonic form, antlers and limbs elongating. Lucifer, with all his otherworldly power, was able to hold on.
‘Ah, ah, ah! No property damage in the hotel, Bambi,’ Lucifer said with a teasing smile, releasing Alastor and letting his wings out to hover directly in front of him.
‘I couldn’t agree more,’ Vaggi said, though in a more threatening tone, as she entered the kitchen, spear in hand.
‘Who said anything about property damage!’ Alastor said cheerfully, shrinking back down to normal size, with a dismissive flop of his hand.
Lucifer chuckled fondly, tucking his wings away. ‘Nothing to worry about, Vanastasia!’ he said. ‘In fact, why don’t you have the first pancake?’
He walked back to the pan where the first pancake had indeed just finished cooking.
Vaggi rolled her eyes.
‘The number of times you two give me something to worry about gives me the right to be worried whenever you’re together…’ she muttered, but she took the plate Lucifer offered her with a grateful smile. ‘Thank you, sir.’
‘And there’s more where that came from!’ Lucifer said, cheerfully. ‘Just give it a few minutes.’
‘I think I’ll just have the one, actually, sir,’ Vaggi said, ‘I’ve got a lot to do and I’m not really hungry.’
‘Suit yourself!’ Alastor said, and Lucifer turned back to the stove to watch him pour in the batter for the next pancake.
Satisfied that there was no danger for now, Vaggi went back to her office for another look at the long to-do list.
Alastor left Lucifer to watch the pancake cook and went back to cleaning up the mess they’d made in the process of creating the batter.
All was well in the hotel and he was happy, humming along again to the radio as it started playing one of his favourite songs (a common occurrence when one has the power to control radios), so naturally things started going wrong.
It is worth noting as this point that Nifty was on a little vacation. With Baxter, as it happens. While hacking into the system and muting Vox had gotten Baxter fired from Voxtek, Valtek, as it had quickly been rebranded, had soon enough decided that Baxter knew a few too many of the company’s secrets (and was too good at his job) to let him go, and he had therefore been rehired. All that had been a while ago, but it had turned out that one of the things Valtek had done to try to fix their public image after it had disastrously tanked due to the actions of a certain TV head Alastor rather detested was to actually give their employees rights, and vacation time. Baxter had found a nice resort he wanted to stay at and decided to take Nifty with him. Alastor had signed off on this, after some begging and tears from the little maid. All this to say, the hotel was at this moment without a cleaning crew.
What no one had expected is that the hotel didn’t particularly like being without a cleaning crew. Or at least that’s the conclusion Lucifer quickly came to when he noticed a mop break itself out of a cupboard.
*****
‘I mean, at least it’s benevolent magic,’ Lucifer said a few minutes later from where he and Alastor were standing in the doorway the mop had banished them to.
Alastor rolled his eyes.
‘It’s your magic,’ he said.
‘Wha – you’re blaming me?’
‘Hmm, do I blame the being whose magic has permeated this hotel ever since he rebuilt it brick by brick for the mop gaining sentience… let’s see… I think I’ll go with yes!’
Lucifer decided to ignore the obnoxious ding ding ding! sound that Alastor somehow managed to produce as if he were a gameshow host indicating that the contestant had gotten a question right.
‘It’s not my fault!’ he protested.
‘Whose is it then, mmm?’ Alastor asked, poking his staff into Lucifer’s chest.
‘Uh… the mop?’
Alastor rolled his eyes, apparently not even deigning to give that suggestion a proper response.
Lucifer folded his arms crossly. Stupid mop. Now Alastor was mad at him.
At this point the mop somehow managed to splatter some of the water it was using to clean the kitchen floor in Lucifer’s face, making him fume.
‘Ok, that’s it!’ he yelled.
‘Yes, do have fun waging war against a mop,’ Alastor said, scornfully.
It didn’t stop Lucifer from marching back into the kitchen and attempting to grab the mop to break it in half.
Rather humiliatingly, he was unsuccessful. The mop beat him away, dodging his grasp too fast for him to get a grip on it.
‘A little help here!’ he yelled pointedly at Alastor.
‘Very well,’ the Radio Demon said, summoning several shadow tentacles to come at the mop from all angles. To his surprise, it started glowing, emitting a light that was somehow able to dissolve the shadows before they could reach it.
‘You’re rather slippery, aren’t you, even for a mop…’ Alastor muttered, immediately running into the room to try something else.
‘Let’s see what happens when we fight fire with fire!’ Lucifer said, shooting bolts of light at the still glowing mop.
Alastor rolled his eyes.
‘I stand by what I said about you not being clever in the mornings…’ he called out.
‘Oh, please, your little quip was just as lame!’ Lucifer shouted over his shoulder.
His bolts of light were not doing anything to the mop, so he decided to stop and try to think of a different approach.
‘Maybe it’s Box’s fault,’ he suggested.
‘Excuse me?’ Alastor said from where he was picking up a large knife to attack the mop with, voice heavy with static and eyes narrowed.
‘You know, your ex. TV-head man. Or, rather, iPad-head man.’
Lucifer knew he was getting unnecessarily mean now, but in his defence Alastor had gotten unreasonably cross, and it had made him cross too. He heard Alastor scoff.
‘You mean Vox,’ Alastor said, swinging unsuccessfully at the mop. ‘And he is not my ex. Why would you say such a thing?’
‘Fine! Your… rival!’ Lucifer said, flying up in the air to attempt an attack from a different angle.
‘Stop destroying the kitchen!’ Alastor yelled as Lucifer sent a blast of magic that the mop managed to dodge, which instead hit the very cupboard the mop had come from.
‘Why are you upset!’ Lucifer shouted.
‘Why are you upset!’ Alastor shot back.
Lucifer was gathering the power to create some new sort of weapon that might be more effective, when the mop bonked him on the head, distracting him and eliciting a ‘hey!’ of protestation.
‘Vox can’t even do magic!’ Alastor shouted, crouching low in an attempt to sneak up on the malfunctioning mop. ‘His thing is technology and electricity!’
‘Then who do you think did this?!’ Lucifer retorted.
‘I already told you! I think you did!’
‘I didn’t!’
‘Well your ex-wife possesses magic, does she not? If not you then perhaps it’s her!’
Lucifer turned away and scowled at that, not sure how to respond. It shouldn’t have been possible, and yet it made a certain amount of sense. She had motive and means, if not opportunity.
‘Or maybe it was Charlie’s magic,’ Alastor continued to speculate, using his knife to parry increasingly violent attacks from the mop, though it was clear he still thought it to be Lucifer’s fault.
‘Just blame my whole family, why don’t you…’ Lucifer muttered.
‘Ah, yes. You do have several brothers who don’t like us, don’t you. One of whom in particular has shown a willingness to get involved in things here,’ Alastor said sharply.
‘This isn’t helping!’ Lucifer snarled. ‘Who cares whose fault it is!’
Alastor was now attempting something Lucifer hadn’t seen him do very often. Some kind of green flames had ensnared the mop, and it seemed to be holding it for the moment.
That was enough of a distraction to allow Lucifer to create an unnecessarily large axe, which he brought down on the mop, cutting the wooden handle in two.
As it broke a pulse of magic radiated out of it, something jagged and mean, that definitely did not feel as benevolent as Lucifer had initially thought.
‘Ew,’ he said, standing up and taking in the mess. There was dirty water and broken things all over the place.
‘What a distasteful little object,’ Alastor said, prodding at the broken mop with his staff.
‘Since when do we keep a mop in here anyway?’ Lucifer asked. ‘This is… this is weird.’
‘And you won’t get any pancakes after all,’ Alastor said, with a gesture to where the batter had gotten splattered all over the floor.
*****
They cleaned up the room and went to tell Charlie and Vaggi about the incident.
‘We have a short list of possible explanations, some involving a perpetrator, and a short list of suspects if that is the case,’ Alastor was summarising.
‘So this could have been just some freak accident, and not somebody trying to attack the hotel?’ Charlie said, hopefully.
‘Yep,’ Lucifer said, in a way he hoped was reassuring.
‘We don’t have time to deal with this,’ Vaggi said. ‘I can’t believe I’m saying this, but can the two of you handle it? You’re the best equipped to deal with… magic stuff.’
Alastor didn’t seem to like that responsibility, Lucifer noticed.
‘Umm… yeah, I mean, I have… some idea of how to begin investigating…’ he said, lamely. He did have a couple ideas, but not enough to fill him with confidence.
‘As do I,’ Alastor added.
‘Great, so you’ve got this?’ Vaggi confirmed.
‘Absolutely!’ Lucifer said, trying to focus on the fact that he was being given another chance to prove himself to Charlie.
‘Where do you want to start?’ Alastor asked.