Chapter Text
Hi Tim. I'm back in your home province, where I first met you.
It's been a year since I last came home. I know, it's not my home.
But for four years, it was.
In your arms, it felt like home.
I haven't come home in awhile; home to my actual province, and home to you.
A lot has changed here—new buildings, new establishments, new faces. But I only hoped to see one familiar face, I really hoped I would see you.
The actual truth though? I was so anxious to ride those modern jeepneys going to the part of the city where you lived, as well as those which came from there. I know how you hate riding traditional jeepneys. You hate being sweaty, you hate being inconvenienced.
I remember how you used to scold me when I'd say I take the traditional jeepney to go see you, despite the blazing heat. You said that I shouldn't have done all of that just to see you.
That's one of our differences, Tim. You grew up without having to think of inconveniences, while normal people like me have to go through these inconveniences just to save money.
I was a broke student then,Tim. Pero mahal kita noon ng sobra sobra.
I remember when I used to make you all those "art projects" (or what Joshua liked to call it, I remember punching his arm everytime you weren't looking). I would always starve myself everytime our monthsary was approaching.
Dahil mas pipiliin kong mahilo sa gutom kesa mahalin kita ng tipid.
I remember how excited you were to introduce me to your parents, especially your mom. You said Tita was the first one to ever support you when you came out. But then, you remember Tito hasn't really acknowledged your sexuality. He still thinks it's a phase. So then you kept on delaying meeting your parents.
Then it happened again, and again, and again. Minahal mo ako ng patago, Tim.
I'll spare you the gory details of why it ended. We both know how hard it was.
I would like to remember how dear you were to me.
Naalala ko tuwing Holy week break; ang una-unang paguusap natin ay bago yung Semana Santa. Sobrang gulo pa ng utak ko noon, hindi ko kasi sigurado kung sigurado ka na sa nararamdaman mo.
"Tristan,antayin mo ako, ah? I hope you give me time to think about it" naalala kong sabi mo noon sakin bago ako umuwi para sa bakasyon.
I wasn't really a religious person, Tim. But that Holy Week, I prayed hard. Actually prayed. Huling beses kong nagdasal ng ganito kataimtim ay bata pa ako. Noon, sa unang pagkakataon sa buong buhay ko, nagdasal ako sa Diyos, tapat at totoo, para sa taong mahal ko.
Hiniling kita sa Diyos, Timothy. Hiniling ko na sana ikaw na yung makakasama ko habambuhay.
At naalala ko, nag-umpisa na rin ako magdasal at magsimba kahit di Holy Week; pagkagising sa umaga, bago matulog, sa kada may pagkakataon ako. At iisa lang hinihiling ko noon, sana ay lagi kang ligtas dahil mamahalin pa kita.
And maybe the Lord had mercy on a broke queer college student like me, whose only currency was prayers, because after a few months, you finally said yes.
But little did I know, the next Holy Week, I would be praying for you to decide to stay.
Here I am Tim, at the mall that witnessed every goodbye kiss I would ever give you before you go home throughout our relationship. The tricycle terminal has witnessed every hug, kiss and yearning I have ever gave. The hesitation in letting you go, the yearning stares that follow the tricycle that brought you home, the drivers, bystanders and that mall has witnessed it all.
I tried so hard to avoid this place, but alas, this is the only place where I could get my NBI clearance done.
I'm so tired now, I have travelled four hours by bus and went straight here.
Kinailangan ko to gawin dahil walang ibang mas malapit na makukuhaan ng clearance. And as always, time is my enemy.
This was the only part of the trip that I wished our paths wouldn't cross.
But at the cafe where we had our first date, where I first realized how beautiful your eyes look as it reflected the setting sun, I saw you again.
Bakit ganon, Tim? Inaasahan ko na ang ating muling pagkikita ay nasa maayos akong pag-iisip, maayos ang itsura at mahaharap ka ng walang takot.
But here we are, face to face, you on your way to work, and me on the way home after this.
God really listened, but he is quite playful, dahil tinalikuran na kita ngunit ikaw na ang kumalabit sakin.
"T-tan? Tristan? Is that really you?" I hated how you hesitated when you call me by the nickname you gave me. It just made me remember when that nickname was said with love, with tenderness, and not hesitation.
At first, I wanted to deny it. Wanted to walk out that cafe and leave my barely touched meal just to not face you anymore, just like how we avoided each other on graduation day, the day before your birithday.
Pero napaisip ako; hindi ba gusto ko rin ito? That our paths will cross again?
I turned around to face you. God damn, Tim.
Time didn't heal me at all. You look as beautiful as the day you left me.
The sparkle in your eyes are dimmer now… is it because of me?
"Tim…othy, hi. Kamusta ka na?" was the only thing I was capable of saying. My throat was dry. Despite all of the things I wanted to say to you, all the questions that kept buzzing in my head after a whole year of silence, I was only able to ask if you were doing well.
I hate that this feels like our first date all over again. The nervousness, the weird tension, and the way I can't look at your eyes for too long because it makes me want to do stupid things.