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You wake up.
Isa just— and you woke up—
No! No. You're not on your back! You haven't slept on your back in such a long time!! Haha!! AHAH!!!
Isa is FINE! He's OKAY! that was so many blinding loops ago and he doesn't remember that happening and he isn't dead. Just like Mira isnt dead and Odile isnt dead and Bonnie isnt dead and—
You are trembling. Knuckles crushing the pillow you had your face smothered into. You lift yourself off of it as the hum of your craft in your blood and through your veins and BLARES into your ears and muffling the sound of your labored breathing.
Its not the same as his. The way he was choking. Gasping. The way Mirabelle couldn't do anything. The gurgling as hot blood escaped him. Trying to clear his airway but the arteries had more blood to give and you KNOW how dying like that feels now and Isa had to suffer through that and you—
(You need to see Isa. Right now)
Bed. Pillow. Breath in. Breath out. No you didn't do it right Stardust but you can’t do anything right so it's okay. Get out of the blankets. Or just throw them that works too. Turn to your left- no that's the edge of the bed. You're not sleeping on your back, idiot.
Turn to your right-
It's empty.
He is gone. Not even an imprint left behind.
A choked whimper rips out of you as your core freezes over, you don’t care. You can't Care. Not when- Not-
You scramble up. Look around once. Twice. Room. Some kind. Not Clocktower. You can’t- window. Not far from your left- no its your right now you turned over.
Its night. Its still night.
Isa should be with you.
You don't know where you are. You don't know where you are and Isa is not next to you in bed. He's always with you in bed. Even before-
Your fingers are tingling with anxiety over the possibility that that horrible loop may have had lasting effects because Isa is GONE.
Gone gone gone gone gone—
You can't breathe. Your craft’s thrum is deafening. Echoing every one of your rotten hearts rapid Buh-dum-Duh-Dum-Bah-dum-Duh-Dum—
Isa.
You throw yourself out of bed, Your core screaming at you for not having your cloak on but you only care about finding Isa even though your legs are trembling and blood is coming out out out like a sweet release of-
Get up. Door. Door. Find door (your vision is blurry), open the door. No. No. Still closed. Grab the doorknob again. Please just turn the blinding doorknob the right direction. You are too frantic—
STOP PANICKING stop CHOKING—
The door opens, but not by—
“Sif!?” Isa’s voice cuts through the sugar in your veins.
You jump back in surprise, Immediately lock onto Isa the moment you register that voice.
Isa. It's Isa. His hair is a mess. He looks really tired. He doesn't have his earrings on. He isn't in his usual outfit. Just his pajamas. Lightless. All lightless. Just how you remember it yesterday. He's breathing. Simple inhale and exhale.
He's alive.
He's perfectly fine.
(You resist the urge to fling yourself at him.)
See? He's fine? He's FINE! Now just BREATHE.
Isa’s initial surprise has faded, and the more you stare at him he becomes more and more concerned. “Sif? Buddy?”
“eah?” you croak-
Nope! Try again!
“ae?”
STARS- You cough once. Twice. You're still shaking. You can't breathe still. Sugar swims inside of you and you can't calm down your heartbeat yet it feels like you're freezing.
You try to open your mouth again and say words but it just comes out as a horrid groan.
“Oh…” Isa's face relaxes, but still so sad. “Sorry Sif, I just went to get some water. I'm here, okay? We are at the ladybug leaf Inn. Everyone has their own rooms. Do you want something?”
Isa. Isa. Isa Isa—
He's okay.
You give up on trying to force any words out of your rotting corpse, and instead shake your head. You can already feel the shame in your heart for scaring Isa like this.
But you don’t care much about that right now, the relief at seeing Isa is stronger.
“alright…lets…go back to bed okay?” Isa speaks. Words. You nod because you don't care because Isa is okay and that's a relief but you can't calm downnn because your stupid brainn hasn't CAUGHT UP YET!!
For a brief moment, you blink. You blink and you see Isa suffocating again. His face paler than yours.
…
You let yourself be gently guided back to bed. The blanket is picked up. You don't know if it's by you or Isa.
You return to your spot on the bed. Your stomach hurts. You are still cold. Even with the duvet. Even with a blanket covering over you.
Your craft still isn't calm either. You dont think it's going to be calm for the rest of the night. Its not painful, but it's like the opposite of white noise. Noises in the back of your mind that are keeping you tense.
Your breathing is still off. You lift yourself off the pillow slightly and force in a deep breath in, and out.
….No. No it didnt work.
Before, you'd panic at that. But now you are used to your normal breathing techniques not always working out.
“Another nightmare?” Isa asks, not exasperated, just questioning. You take your face out of the pillow in order to look at him.
He looks….
..
(he doesnt look like hes dying. You tell yourself.)
Its fine.
You nod. You feel bad for getting nightmares as often as you do, but Isa says he doesn't mind comforting you after you wake up. Odile says its better than trying to sleep for as little as possible like you were before.
“Yep. Assumed so..Alright…you…..wanna scale from one to ten?” He asks. You are familiar with this question.
“Ten.” You reply without hesitation, flopping back into your pillow.
(Because of that, you dont hear the strangled gasp from Isa.)
There were simply no worse loops than the ones where you failed to protect your friends. You never wanted them to suffer the same fates you did, but sometimes you just weren't good enough. Especially early on, and they—
You.
Realize what you just told Isa.
You haven't ranked a nightmare ten yet. Not even close.
“…Sif?”
You..slowly lift your head up and look at him.
He looks a little scared.
You hate that. You did that.
Idiot idiot IDIOT! Why didn’t you just say four or five or some other number that sounds reasonable and now you have gone and scared Isa and silenced him like-
(labored gasps for air.)
He opened his mouth. Close it. Swallows. His large hands wring his fingers. Once. Twice. Thrice. “Is…there..anything I can do? A hug? Maybe?”
You are suddenly aware again of how cold you are.
“Not that you have to if you don't want to. Its just i know that it hel—“
You know from past contact that Isabeau is very. Very warm.
“—times but I understand if you dont want to especially if—“
You feel..
“—scare you more than like it did that one time. Oh change I’m still very sorry about—“
Disgusting.
“Isa.” You say. Isabeau stops his rambling and stares at you. The moonlight from the window highlights his face.
“It's okay.” You’re still shaking, you think. You try to smile, you don't know if it's genuine or not. “You being here is enough.”
Isa stares at you,and you're too exhausted to tell what kind of doubt is written on his face. “You're sure?”
“mhm.”
“You know you can-“ Isa stops himself, furrows his brows. Opens his mouth again. Close it. Grips the blanket. Take a deep breath.
“Youre lookin more stressed than me.” You try to chuckle. You don't know how to feel.
Isabeau’s eyes avert away from your own. “Its just that…you looked so terrified at the door and…”
Aha….you scared him that badly! Of course you did! You're scaring him now because you can't get out of your own head!
Deflect! Imply something else! You don’t want to talk about—
(“ZA! BELLE HEAL ZA! BELLE!!”
“M’not alone.” You grumble sleepily. It's still so embarrassing to admit being alone is actually terrifying to you now, but saying that is much easier than describing that loop.
That at least makes him relax a bit. “You sure? Positive?”
Craft hums in your veins. throbbing with its sugar. Fermenting and rotting you from the inside out—
“Yeah.” you reply, and face away from Isabeau, you can't stand it anymore.
Terror still grips at your body like exhaustion. Your guts feel like they’ve been wrung out. You don't know what's on your face but it's probably not good.
“We are talking about this in the morning though, okay?” Isabeau tells you. Not asking. Its a fact.
Urg. Fine. Whatever. You drop your head into the pillow, back to Isa.
Atleast this time you didnt start crying….or you…dont think you did…
..
Stars.
You try to listen to the sound of Isabeau settling for the night over your breathing and the beating of your heart. You think he says words, and you say words back, but those arent what you are focusing on right now.
Eventually, he stops moving. There is a gentle tug of the blanket but that's it.
..
Slowly…you close your eyes again
Isabeau's head lulls off to the side.
You hadn't learned any healing spells yet. So you just stood there. Watching.
Odile tries to contain the blood. Mirabelle tries to pump as much healing magic into him as quickly as she can.
Bonnie is with you, their tonics useless.
You are covered in black sludge. Your dagger still in your hand.
You had killed the sadness. Plunged your knife into the tar again and again and again. But by then it was too late.
Odile begged him to hold on.
Mirabelle wept.
Bonnie screamed.
You did nothi-
You open your eye. Slowly, calmly, you lift yourself off the pillow. Your stomach hurts. Everything is burning numb.
Once. Once Isa died like that. Then you did too. You don’t remember how many times you stuck your knife in yourself like that, but it was many.
You deserved to have it happen to you thousands of times over before Isa deserved it once. Even then, after a while, yours was quick. Isabeau’s wasn't.
It was so slow and-
The blanket shifts.
….
You look at Isabeau again. He's laid on his side, back facing you. You know he hasn't fallen asleep yet.
You.
are disgusted by how seeing him okay isn't enough.
You need to hear him. More than just his chest rising and falling.
“Isa…” words tumble out of your mouth before your wrung out mind can process them.
“Yea Sif?” Isa responds immediately, turning around to face you. His radiate smile doesn't falter, even as you freeze up in horror.
Oh no you are NOT asking—
“N-nevermind. Sorry. Go sleep.” You mumble. Already adjusting the blanket over yourself and-
“Nope. Try again.” Isa replies, and you look back up at him. His smile is somehow even more smug. “Ask what you want to ask.”
?!??
No. You can't! It's embarrassing! You are a grown adult. You can handle things on your own without it. No. You don't need to be weird and—
(…)
(…You think of that sadness again.)
(….)
“Is…..Isa…” You look away from him, instead at your hands.
Ah, you're still shaking. All of your insides actually are still frantic and haven't at all calmed down with time. Or you breath evening out.
(atleast, you think it's even.)
“Listening?”
Breathe in, breathe out.
“CanIlistentoyourheartbeat?-“ you ask it as fast as possible, already feeling heat rising to your face. You are cringing. Weird. Weird. Weirdo—
“Come again?” Isa asks “Can you what to huh?”
GEMS ALIVE! CHANGE! STARS! WHATEVER!
“Heartbeat.” you squeak out.
“Oh.” Isabeau says. Then clearly realizes. “OH?”
You cringe. “Sorry that was weird it was weird—“
“Sif. Buddy. No. C'mere. It’s okay. I don't mind.” Isabeau talks over you, and you look up at him.
His face is a tad bit darker than it was before, but he's still smiling at you softly. Getting up and pulling the blankets aside to make room for you to clamber over.
“…you sure?” You ask.
“Positive. I love hugging you, when it helps and when it doesn't. Remember?” Isa says simply.
….
You.
You wipe your face and gently shuffle closer. Isa settles down back on the bed. Rolled onto his side. He opens up his arm that's not squished.
You take a shaky breath and nestle yourself on Isabeau’s chest. Putting your ear on his collarbone and-
Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum…
S-Stars….
His heartbeat sings its soft melody, and it immediately works at the panic and fear that had clamped itself into your bones. Shushing the craft in your blood and calms the ache in your heart.
Isa covers you both in the blanket again and wraps his arms around you. Putting one hand in your hair and another coils down your back. The warmth sends shivers down your spine as you pathetically pull yourself closer.
Its not enough. Its not enough. You want to snuggle into his ribcage and be surrounded by this warmth. Stars.
Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum…
You barely realize when your breathing starts to calm down a bit. You are sure an undignified noise came out of you when Isabeau’s fingers started working at your hair. But right now you don't care.
Yeah. you needed this. You would've calmed down fine on your own. You probably would've done well enough with no sleep for the rest of the night…but this…
…it…feels good, and Isa isn't upset about it.
You can feel guilty and too needy about all of that later. You are too exhausted to feel gross about the closeness.
You love him. You love him and the rest of your family so much.
(Not this loop) Your brain supplies you.
Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum…
….
Regardless of if they remember, you hold them close. Maybe not in your constellation, but they are in your asterism.
(Faintly, bells ring somewhere in your head. You don't try to reach for them to remember their song. You have one right here to memorize.)
Slowly, you close your eye again.
You don't see anything. Somewhere, the back of your mind is trying to stir that rotten loop again. But it's hard to even think about that when Isabeau’s breathing is loud enough for you to feel it. When his heart is calming you down..
Your muscles relax, and your craft has unwounded itself into nothing more than gentle bobbing waves.
Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum…
“Is this helping?” You feel Isa’s voice more than you hear it. It takes you a moment longer to process them.
Oh stars he's gonna make you admit how much this helps. Oh, you're embarrassed, but also this is too nice for you to drown in your negativity.
“aea” Is the sound that comes out of your mouth, your mind is nothing but soft feathers but you clock that that's not right.
You wince, and then correct it. “Yeah.”
Isabeau laughs, and it vibrates through you. “I'm glad. I was a bit worried there, Sif…”
“M’sorry…”
“No! No! No sorry!” Isabeau is quick to get on to you about that. “It's just…you…havent opened up much. Especially with nightmares. I was…afraid that once it got bad..you’d…lock yourself up. I wasn't sure what to do.”
….
Isabeau presses on when you say nothing. “…I guess…what I'm trying to say is…I’m proud of you. I imagine that talking about it is hard. Let alone asking for comfort.”
Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum…
You feel lightheaded, at the praise, at the comfort. Stars. You are going to feel awful about this later, you know it.
“…M’not asking for too much am I?” you ask…or at least you think you do? Your tongue feels heavy. So maybe those words don't sound as right as you think.
“Never.” Isabeau replies with amusement. His fingers scratch your scalp a little. It's humiliating the way it easily draws a sigh from you. “Is this okay?”
you lean into his hands a little, making sure you can still hear his heartbeat.
“Taking that as a yes then.” Isa’s voice is full of fondness.
Silence falls over you both. Isa letting your body thaw and relax in his warmth.
Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum, Buh-bum…
…
You don't know when you fall asleep, but you do so feeling safe again. You don't have any dreams after that.