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you know all those books about ancient beings who fight for freedom or whatever with young heroes and shit?
Like idk Gandalf
Cas is gonna be Gandalf
And someday his young hero will be talking about the Winchesters and Cas will get this horribly sad look on his face
Or someone will say something that Dean would say and he'll go "you remind me of someone I knew once, a long time ago."
Or he'll see someone in plaid, with dark blond hair, and just go completely white and shaky
one day Cas is at a starbucks or something idk and in walks Dean and cas can't fucken believe it. so of course he's staring mouth open and everything and Dean looks over and raises his eyebrows a bit,
and sits down at a table across the cafe
and in walks SAm
and they sit down and start chatting. and Cas has to leave bc he's about to throw up and this has to be some sort of sick joke or something?
and he starts seeing dean everywhere and he thinks he's going crazy
and one day Dean talks to him.
and he knows he isn't crazy, but he wishes he were, bc what the fuck is he supposed to do? leave the Winchesters in peace, let Sam get engaged and let Dean fall in love with the girl Sam keeps teasing him about? or ruin their lives with his tales of who they are and what they've done, and who he is?
How is he supposed to suffer living here, bc ofc he can't leave, this town would be a ghost without him,
but Sam and Dean are here and happy and don't know him.
but then Dean tells him, "hey, buddy, move over,"
and sits down next to him,
and just looks at him.
and Cas is so, so scared.
do i want Cas to get to know Dean and pretend he's just a normal guy but then one day of course a vamp or shifter turns up and Cas smites it and Dean is angry and scared as hell
and Cas tells him to go home and forget this ever happened if he ever wants to be happy, forget Cas if he ever wants to live a normal life
and Dean's just yelling at him like wtf no why would i leave you and Castiel is begging him, because he can handle losing Dean if he knows Dean's gonna be happy but he can't handle dragging him down with Cas, not if Cas knows how unhappy he was with his life when he was here the first time, bc how many times did he try to get out? and how selfish would Cas be if it happened again, and how selfish has he been up till now,
and Dean's just yelling WHY? WHY DO YOU GET TO KNOW EVERYTHING AND KEEP ALL YOUR FUCKING SECRETS AND WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO LEAVE YOU, CAS? PLEASE, JUST TELL ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
and Cas just yells right back,
or does he say it quietly, wearily, with a thousand years worth of pain and grief on his shoulders?
"Because you were there, Dean. You were the one I gave everything for. Your brother and you, you were given this second chance, for whatever reason -" because of course Castiel can't fathom that they'd want to come back to him - "and you need to take it. I'm perfectly willing to give everything for you for this thousandth time, even if it means giving you up, because you and Sam deserve more than what you were given the first time and you deserve everything you've been given now. Please leave, Dean; I don't want you to have to carry the world on your shoulders. Please allow me to carry it for you. Just this one, last time."
and Dean doesn't really know why he's not leaving, he's never dealt with anything like this before, except has he?
Castiel is looking at him, giving him that stare again, and the more he gets to know this man, the more he feels like he already knows him. Inside out. Even, Dean thinks, the things that have disappeared since last time, and why does he keep thinking that?
"I know you don't understand," Castiel continues. "You won't. Not ever. But please, believe me when I say you don't want to understand; you don't want to know. Please just leave."
Dean shakes his head stubbornly. "Tell me what's going on, Cas."
Cas' eyes speak volumes; they are sad and apologizing and so, so sad. Then just as quickly they are hard again. "Turn around," Castiel says. "Turn around or I will kill you. You saw what you were dealing with back there; believe me when I say you do not want me against you."
Dean swallows. "No."
Castiel nods once, jerkily. He pulls Dean into his arms and holds him tight, as if he never wants to let go.
"I'm sorry," he breathes.
Dean tries to pull away. "What-"
Castiel brings two fingers up to Dean's forehead, and Dean collapses.
He takes Dean to the apartment he shares with his brother; the apartment he calls home. He will wake up in a few hours. When Sam comes home, he's surprised, though not displeased, to see Cas waiting for him. "Hey, Cas," he says as he sets his groceries on the table. "Where's -"
He turns around and Castiel touches his memories as he did Dean's. Cas puts Sam in his room; they will both wake up tomorrow and go about their lives.
The memories can't be erased. They can be hidden away with the risk of the Winchesters discovering them, but Castiel can't take that risk. He pulls them into himself, and it is agonizing, knowing how the Winchesters saw him. Knowing how they trusted him, while all he did was lie to them.
Castiel locks the door on his way out.