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Alain was holding his almost-boyfriend's hand when he woke up.
Not that Ash knew he was his almost-boyfriend.
Alain wasn't entirely certain Ash knew what an almost-boyfriend was, or that he had somehow acquired one. Ash had always possessed a remarkable ability to remain oblivious to things that seemed painfully obvious to everyone else.
Including, Alain suspected, the fact that Alain was in love with him.
It was a recent discovery.
The love, not Ash's obliviousness.
Alain had known about his feelings for months.
He sat in the chair beside Ash's hospital bed; his fingers curled carefully around Ash's limp hand and watched the steady rise and fall of his chest.
The doctors had told him Ash was improving.
They had also told him that three days ago, and Ash still hadn't opened his eyes.
Alain's thumb brushed absently across his knuckles.
"You're taking your time," he murmured.
Ash did not respond.
That was all right.
Alain had become quite good at talking to an unconscious Ash Ketchum.
It was considerably easier than talking to a conscious one.
"I suppose you always did like making me wait."
Nothing.
Alain lowered his head.
There were fading marks around Ash's wrists.
He tried not to look at them.
His gaze moved instead to Ash's face, tracing familiar features rendered strangely delicate by sleep.
Alain squeezed his hand.
"I'm sorry."
The heart monitor continued its steady rhythm.
Alain had said those words one hundred and eighty-seven times.
He knew because, sometime during the first night, he had begun counting.
He wasn't sure why.
Perhaps he had thought that if he said it enough, one of the apologies might somehow reach Ash wherever he was. Perhaps Ash would hear him and understand. Perhaps he would wake up and look at Alain with those impossible brown eyes and-
Ash's fingers moved.
Alain stopped breathing.
It was so slight that he thought he had imagined it.
Then they moved again.
"Ash?"
His eyelids fluttered.
Alain stood so quickly the chair scraped backwards across the floor.
Brown eyes opened.
For several seconds, they stared at nothing.
Then they found him.
Alain's heart stopped.
Some stupid, hopeless part of him thought Ash would smile.
That Ash would squeeze his hand.
That Alain would say something terribly inadequate, and Ash would laugh at him, and somewhere between one breath and the next they would finally stumble into the thing they had been circling for months.
Perhaps they would fall in love.
Or, Alain supposed, admit they already had.
"Ash," he whispered again.
Ash stared at him and then promptly screamed, ripping his hand from Alain’s.
The monitor erupted.
"Ash-"
"No!"
Ash threw himself backwards.
There was nowhere for him to go.
His shoulders struck the raised hospital bed and he scrambled anyway, legs tangling violently in the sheets, one trembling hand clawing at the mattress as though he could force himself through it.
"Ash, it's me-"
"NO!"
Alain froze.
He had heard Ash shout before.
Across battlefields. Across forests. Through smoke and fire and the deafening roar of collapsing buildings.
He had never heard Ash sound like that.
There was no determination in his voice.
There was just terror.
Pure, mindless terror.
"Ash-"
"Get away from me!"
The door burst open.
Serena entered first, Clemont behind her, followed almost immediately by two nurses Alain didn't recognise.
Ash was still trying to get away.
His eyes never left Alain.
"Get him out of here!" someone, maybe Serena, shouted.
Alain couldn't move.
Ash's chest heaved. His breaths came too quickly, barely breaths at all, and the monitor beside him screamed faster and faster.
One of the nurses caught Ash by the shoulders.
He fought her.
Ash, who had barely moved in four days, thrashed against her hold with everything he had.
"No- no, don't- please-"
"Ash, you're safe."
"Don't let him-"
Alain felt Clemont's hands on his arms.
"Alain."
"Don't let him touch me!"
The room disappeared.
Or perhaps Alain did.
He was aware of Clemont pulling him backwards. Serena was beside Ash now, saying his name over and over, while another nurse pushed something into the line connected to his arm.
Ash was crying.
Alain had never seen Ash cry like that.
"Ash!" Alain said.
It was a mistake.
Ash made a sound Alain would hear for the rest of his life.
His entire body jerked.
"Please!"
Alain stopped fighting Clemont.
"Please don't let him hurt me again!"
The door closed.
Alain stood in the corridor.
For a moment, no one spoke.
Through the small window in the hospital door, Alain watched three people hold Ash down while the sedative entered his bloodstream.
Slowly, his movements weakened.
His eyes closed.
The monitor began to quiet.
Alain looked down at his hand.
The one that had been holding Ash's.
It was still warm.
"Alain."
Clemont's voice sounded very far away.
Alain stared at his palm.
Four days.
For four days, he had sat beside Ash and wondered what he would see when those brown eyes finally opened.
In his more selfish moments, Alain had allowed himself to imagine love.
He had never imagined fear.
"This is all my fault."
Alain crumbled against the wall.
"Alain-"
"This is all my fault."
His hands were shaking.
Alain curled them into fists.
It didn't help.
"I did this to him."
"No." Clemont crouched in front of him. "No, Alain, Lysandre did this."
"I helped him."
"You didn't know what he was planning."
"I helped him."
"Alain-"
"I gave him the mega evolution energy, which almost killed Ash.”
He had activated the machine. He had stood at Lysandre's side while the man explained his beautiful new world and Alain, stupidly, blindly, had listened.
And Ash had paid for it.
Ash always paid for it.
Ash had been tied to a machine and filled with so much energy that his heart had stopped twice on the way to the hospital.
Alain knew that because he had been there.
He had watched a doctor put both hands on Ash's chest and resuscitate him.
"Alain."
Clemont placed a hand on his shoulder.
Alain flinched.
Clemont withdrew it immediately.
"I'm sorry."
Alain almost laughed.
What a ridiculous thing for Clemont to apologise for.
At the end of the corridor, the vending machine gave a cheerful chime.
Neither of them looked towards it.
A few moments later, footsteps approached.
"I got the sweet ones Serena likes, and I got you those crackers, Clemont, and-"
Bonnie stopped.
Dedenne sat between her shoulders, tiny paws curled into her hair. Bonnie's arms were overflowing with brightly coloured packets and two bottles of water, one tucked precariously beneath her chin.
She looked at Clemont.
Then Alain.
Then the closed door to Ash's room.
The smile disappeared from her face.
"What happened?"
Clemont stood.
"Bonnie-"
"What happened to Ash?"
"He's all right."
Bonnie's face went white.
"He's all right," Clemont repeated quickly. "I promise. He woke up."
The packets in Bonnie's arms crinkled as she tightened her grip.
"He woke up?"
Clemont nodded.
For half a second, Bonnie smiled.
Then she looked at Alain again.
Her smile vanished.
"Oh."
Alain lowered his head.
"He saw Alain," Clemont said carefully. "And he... became agitated.”
Bonnie frowned.
"Because of Alain?"
Clemont nodded.
"He had a panic attack. The doctors had to sedate him."
Bonnie stared at the door.
Dedenne gave a small, worried chirp.
"But..." Bonnie looked at Alain. "Ash isn't scared of Alain."
No one answered.
Bonnie shifted the snacks into one arm and walked towards him.
Alain wished she wouldn't.
She sat beside him.
Dedenne climbed down her arm and settled in her lap.
"Maybe he's confused," Bonnie said.
Alain closed his eyes.
"Bonnie."
"He just woke up," she continued. "And he's been asleep for ages. Maybe he didn't know where he was."
"He knew who I was."
"But maybe he was dreaming."
"He knew."
Bonnie was quiet.
Alain could still hear him.
Don't let him touch me.
Please.
Bonnie nudged one of the packets of sweets against his arm.
Alain opened his eyes.
She was holding it out to him.
"I don't want—"
"They're strawberry."
He stared at her.
Bonnie shook the packet insistently.
"Strawberry makes people feel better."
"That's not scientifically proven," Clemont quiped automatically.
Bonnie glared at him and Clemont melted under it, adjusting his glasses nervously.
"But there is certainly no evidence to suggest it makes people feel worse."
Alain made a sound.
It might have been a laugh.
Bonnie smiled cautiously.
"See?"
The door opened.
Serena stepped into the corridor and she looked furious, stalking toward Alain like a lioness who was protecting her cub.
"Serena," Clemont said cautiously.
"He's asleep."
"Is he stable?"
"Yes."
Alain tried to stand.
His legs failed him and found himself in an awkward position slumped against the wall – half-standing, half-sitting.
"Can I-"
"No."
Serena's answer was immediate.
Alain swallowed.
"I just want to know if-"
"I said no."
"Serena," Clemont warned.
She ignored him.
Alain looked at the door.
"I won't go inside. I just—-
"What did you do to him?"
Bonnie stood.
"Serena..."
"What did you do to Ash?"
Serena's eyes were red.
"I-"
"He was fine."
Her voice cracked.
"He was fine before you."
"Serena," Clemont said again.
"No." She turned on her friend. "No, Clemont. Don't."
"I'm not-"
"He almost died again!”
Bonnie flinched.
Dedenne burrowed into her hair.
Serena jabbed a finger in Alain’s direction.
"He almost went into cardiac arrest because of you."
Alain nodded.
"Yes."
His response seemed to surprise her.
Perhaps she had expected him to argue.
"You helped Team Flare."
"Yes."
"You helped Lysandre."
"Yes."
"You collected all that Mega Evolution energy for him."
"Yes."
"And then he used it on Ash."
Alain's throat closed.
"Yes."
Serena stepped closer.
"So, this is your fault."
Clemont moved between them.
"Serena, that's enough."
"No, it isn't!"
"You're upset."
"Of course I'm upset!"
"So is Alain!"
Serena laughed.
It was a horrible sound.
"Alain?"
Clemont went silent.
Serena stared past him.
At Alain.
"Do you know what Ash asked me when he woke up the second time?"
Alain couldn't breathe.
Serena's chin trembled.
"He asked me if you were still here – he made me promise him you weren’t in the room anymore.”
Bonnie began to cry.
"Serena," Clemont whispered.
But Serena wasn't finished.
"He trusted you."
"I know."
"He admired you."
"I know."
"He wouldn't shut up about you!"
Alain closed his eyes.
He could imagine it.
Ash smiling. Ash talking too loudly. Ash telling Serena and Clemont about their battle, about Charizard, about the next time they would face each other.
About Alain.
"He thought you were his friend."
"I know."
"And you gave Lysandre everything he needed to hurt him."
"I know."
Serena shoved him.
It wasn't hard.
Alain still struck the wall.
"Stop agreeing with him!”
He opened his eyes.
Serena was crying angrily now.
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know!"
"Do you want me to tell you it wasn't my fault?"
Serena said nothing.
"I can't."
His voice sounded remarkably calm.
"I can't tell you that."
"Alain..."
Alain looked at the door to Ash's room.
He imagined Ash asleep behind it and his stomach curled.
"I won't come back."
Serena froze and Alain looked at her properly for the first time.
"Tell Ash I'm sorry and that I won’t hurt him anymore.”
"Alain, you don't have to-" Bonnie began.
"I do.”
He turned away.
Clemont caught his sleeve.
"Wait."
Alain stopped.
"You're leaving?"
He couldn't look at him.
"I’m not going to hurt the one I love anymore.”
Alain gently removed his fingers from his sleeve.
Bonnie began to cry harder.
Alain hated himself for that too.
He looked at Serena.
"I promise.”
She no longer seemed angry.
Some twisted part of Alain wished she did.
--
The next day, Alain was at café with Mairin who was trying to force him to eat something.
Alain stared at the croissant on his plate.
The croissant stared back.
"Eat."
"I'm not hungry."
"You said that yesterday."
"I wasn't hungry yesterday either."
Mairin folded her arms.
Across the small café table, Chespie mimicked her. His tiny arms crossed over his chest as he glared at Alain with considerably less menace than Mairin but an equal amount of determination.
Alain looked between them.
"No."
"Alain."
"Mairin."
"Eat the croissant."
"I don't want the croissant."
"You like croissants."
"I don't like this one."
Chespie slapped both paws against the table.
"Chespin!"
Outside the café window, Lumiose City was trying to put itself back together.
Scaffolding climbed damaged buildings. Streets remained closed. There were still scorch marks on Prism Tower that Alain could see if he tilted his head at the correct angle.
Mairin pushed the plate closer.
"One bite."
"I'm not five."
"Then stop acting like it.”
Mairin's expression softened, and Alain turned away from her – not being able to deal with the pity.
"Alain."
"I'm fine."
"You look terrible."
"Thank you."
"I'm serious."
"So am I."
Alain knew about the state of his appearance because Mairin had informed him of the dark circles around his eyes seventeen times since finding him that morning.
He hadn't slept.
Every time he closed his eyes, Ash screamed.
Sometimes Alain was back in the hospital room.
Sometimes they were at Lysandre Labs.
Sometimes Ash was strapped to the machine again, light tearing through his body, and Alain stood beside Lysandre and did nothing.
In every dream, Ash looked at him.
Please don't let him hurt me again.
Alain reached for his coffee.
His hand shook.
Mairin noticed, she always did.
"When did you last sleep?"
"Last night."
"That's a lie."
Alain took a sip.
It was cold.
"You can't just say something is a lie because you don't like the answer."
"I can when you're bad at lying."
"I'm not bad at lying."
“Sure.”
For half a second, Alain almost smiled.
Then he remembered Ash.
And the ghost of the smile disappeared.
Mairin looked down at the table.
"How is he?"
Alain's fingers tightened around the cup.
"I don't know."
"You haven't called Clemont?"
"No."
"Bonnie?"
"No."
"Serena?"
Alain looked at her.
Mairin winced.
"Right. Stupid question."
Alain put the coffee down.
"I said I wouldn't go back."
"I know."
"I promised."
"I know."
"He was scared of me."
Mairin was quiet.
"I've never seen him scared like that."
"You told me."
"He thought I was going to hurt him."
"You told me that too."
"He begged them not to let me touch him."
"Alain."
"I was holding his hand."
His voice broke.
Mairin went very still.
"When he woke up," Alain continued, "I was holding his hand."
He hadn't told her that part.
Mairin slowly reached across the table.
Alain pulled his hands into his lap before she could touch them.
Her fingers stopped.
"I thought..."
He couldn't say it.
The memory was too humiliating now.
That stupid, wonderful second.
Ash opening his eyes.
Ash looking at him.
This is it.
Alain laughed.
Mairin frowned.
"What?"
"I thought he'd be happy to see me."
"Alain..."
"I thought-"
His throat closed and he peered out the window he didn’t have to make eye contact with his travel companion.
"I thought we were going to fall in love."
The words sounded absurd aloud.
Mairin didn't laugh sardonically like she usually would. Instead, her face crumpled, and she looked uncharacteristically sympathetic.
"Oh, Alain."
"Don't."
"I'm not doing anything."
"You're looking at me with pity in your eyes. Stop please.”
Alain pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes.
He was tired.
He was so tired.
"I did this to him."
"No."
"Don't."
"Alain-"
"Don't say Lysandre did it."
Mairin closed her mouth.
"I know what he did. I know he lied to me. I know he used me." Alain lowered his hands. "But I still did it."
"You were trying to save Chespie."
"I know."
At the sound of his name, Chespie looked up.
Alain stared at him.
The little Pokémon was alive and healthy.
But Ash… Ash had nearly died.
Something ugly twisted in Alain's stomach.
Mairin seemed to understand.
"No."
Alain looked at her.
"No," she repeated.
"I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to."
"Mairin."
"Ash would never want you to think that."
Alain laughed again.
"Apparently you know Ash better than I do."
The moment the words left his mouth, he regretted them.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
"No, it isn't."
"Alain-"
His phone vibrated.
Alain ignored it.
Mairin pushed the croissant towards him again.
"Eat."
"No."
"One bite."
"Mairin."
His phone vibrated again.
"Your phone."
"I know."
"Are you going to check it?"
"No."
"What if it's important?"
"It isn't."
"How do you know?"
"Because anyone important knows not to contact me."
Mairin stared at him.
"That is the saddest thing you've said all morning."
"Thank you."
His phone vibrated a third time.
Alain sighed.
He pulled it from his pocket.
The screen lit.
He stopped breathing.
Ash
For a moment, Alain couldn't breathe.
Mairin noticed immediately.
"What?"
Alain stared at the screen.
There was a message.
Only one.
His thumb hovered over it.
"Alain?"
He opened it.
We need to talk.
The chair hit the floor.
Half the café turned to look.
Alain was already standing.
"Alain?"
He shoved his phone into his pocket.
"I have to go."
"What happened?"
"I have to go."
"Alain, wait-"
He was moving before she finished.
"Your bag!"
Alain turned, snatched his bag from beneath the table and nearly knocked over a waiter.
"Sorry."
"Alain!"
He didn’t look back as he ran out of the café.
Across the street.
Past the barriers and scaffolding and crowds moving through the wounded heart of Lumiose City.
Someone shouted when he nearly collided with them.
Alain didn't stop.
Ash wanted to see him.
His lungs burned.
Ash wanted to see him.
His legs hurt.
Ash wanted to see him.
Alain ran faster.
He didn't allow himself to wonder why.
--
Alain stopped outside Ash's room.
For the first time since leaving the café, he allowed himself to breathe.
It hurt.
His lungs burned. Sweat clung to the back of his neck, his hair was almost certainly a disaster, and there was a stitch beneath his ribs from running halfway across Lumiose City.
Alain stared at the door Ash was behind.
We need to talk.
Four words.
Alain had read them thirty-two times between the café and the hospital.
He had found seventeen different meanings in them.
None were good.
"Alain."
He turned.
Serena was sitting three chairs away.
He hadn't noticed her at first.
She stood and Alain instinctively flinched, thinking she was going to slap him.
He would have deserved it after all.
Instead, she looked him up and down.
"You ran here."
"Yes."
Serena's expression did something strange.
Alain couldn't identify what shifted exactly, but she seemed less hostile than before.
"Ash asked for you, huh?”
Alain nodded.
Serena stepped towards him and despite reassuring himself, she wasn’t going to slap him, Alain fought the urge to step backwards.
"If he tells you to leave, you leave."
"I will."
"If he gets upset-"
"I'll leave."
"If his heart rate starts going up-"
"I'll leave. I won't let myself hurt him again.”
"I know."
Alain stared at her, and when the blonde remained silent, he took it as his cue to do what he had been half-dreading, half-anticipating all this time.
He opened Ash’s hospital door and found the boy sitting upright against several pillows. The room was darker than Alain remembered. The blinds had been lowered, allowing only thin strips of afternoon sunlight to stretch across the floor.
Pikachu was asleep at the foot of the bed.
Ash looked so small, so frail, so unlike himself.
Ash had a larger presence than anyone Alain had ever known. He filled stadiums. Battlefields. Entire rooms.
He had filled Alain's life without Alain noticing until there was no space left untouched by him.
But now-
Alain's gaze fell to his wrists.
The bruises were still there.
The door clicked shut behind him.
Ash flinched.
Alain froze.
"I'm sorry."
The words escaped automatically.
Ash's fingers tightened around the blanket.
Alain stepped backwards.
"I can go."
"No."
He stopped.
Ash was staring at his lap.
"Don't go."
Alain stayed beside the door.
Silence filled the room.
Alain had imagined speaking to Ash several time.
In some versions, Ash forgave him.
In others, Ash shouted.
Once, during a particularly cruel hour at three in the morning, Alain had imagined Ash telling him he hated him.
Alain had prepared answers for all of them.
He had not prepared for silence.
Ash still wouldn't look at him.
"You can sit down."
Alain looked at the chair beside Ash's bed.
The same chair.
His stomach turned.
"I'll stand."
Ash nodded.
Another silence.
The heart monitor beeped.
Alain counted the beats to give his mind something to do.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
"I like you."
Alain stopped counting.
Ash's voice was barely audible.
"What?"
Ash laughed exhaustedly.
"I knew you were gonna make me say it twice."
"Ash-"
"I like you."
Alain stared at him.
His cheeks were red.
Under any other circumstances, Alain might have smiled.
Under any other circumstances, he might have crossed the room.
Under any other circumstances-
"A lot," Ash continued. "Like, a lot a lot."
Alain's throat tightened.
"Ash."
"I think about you all the time."
"Please."
"I used to think it was because I wanted to beat you."
Ash laughed again.
"I mean, I do want to beat you."
A tear slipped down Alain's cheek.
He wiped it away.
"I still think I could."
"You could."
That made Ash look at him.
Their eyes met and the monitor quickened.
Alain looked away immediately.
"I'm sorry."
The monitor continued.
Alain took another step towards the door.
"Don't."
"Ash, your heart-"
"I know."
"I should go."
"No."
"Ash-"
"I love you."
Alain forgot how to breathe.
The monitor screamed.
Not dangerously.
But teering towards it.
Alain stared at the floor.
Ash was crying.
He could hear it in his voice.
"I love you."
Alain pressed a hand over his mouth.
"I think I've loved you for a while."
"Ash, please."
"I didn't know."
Alain's shoulders shook.
"Of course I didn't know. I'm really bad at this stuff."
Despite everything, a broken laugh escaped Alain.
Ash laughed too.
For one second, they were themselves.
Then Ash inhaled.
It caught halfway.
Alain's laughter died.
"I love you," Ash whispered. "And we can't be together."
There it was.
Alain had known.
From the moment his phone lit up in the café.
Perhaps even before that.
Still, something inside him reached desperately for the lie.
"Why?"
A stupid question.
Ash finally looked at him properly.
The last time he had done so, he was suspended in mid-air begging Alain to help him, and like a coward, he hadn’t.
Despite Alain knowing the next words that were going to come out of the brunette’s mouth, they still stung like a particularly nasty Beedrill.
"I'm scared of you."
"I know."
"I don't want to be."
"I know."
"I've tried not to be."
"Ash-"
"I know you didn't know what Lysandre was going to do."
Alain's eyes burned.
"I know you wouldn't have let him hurt me if you'd known."
Alain couldn't speak.
"I know you're not going to hurt me now.”
Ash's breath trembled.
"But my body doesn't. I see you... and I'm back there.” Ash continued. "I can feel it going through me. I can feel Greninja screaming and I can't help him and I can't move and-"
"Ash."
The monitor was climbing.
Alain stepped towards the door.
"I'm going."
"No!"
Alain stopped.
Ash was crying openly now.
"See?"
Alain stared at the wall.
"That's what I mean."
"Ash..."
"I don't want you to go."
His voice broke.
"But I can't look at you."
Alain bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood.
"I'm sorry."
Ash held up a hand.
Alain fell silent.
"Don't."
"I need to-"
"You don't."
"I do."
"No, Alain."
Ash wiped angrily at his face.
"You've said sorry."
"Not enough."
"You could say it a million times and it wouldn't change anything."
The words struck harder than Serena's anger ever had.
"You're right."
Silence.
Alain remained beside the door.
Ash remained in bed.
Five metres, perhaps.
Alain could have crossed it in seconds.
Once, he had travelled across an entire region because Ash had told him they would battle again.
Now five metres might as well have been another world.
"I wish you cared about me less."
Alain looked up.
Ash was staring at the ceiling.
"What?"
"I wish you cared about me less."
Alain's heart broke.
Ash smiled.
It was a terrible smile.
Wet and trembling and nothing like Ash.
"Then maybe we could be together."
Alain shook his head.
"I don't understand."
"If you loved me less, you could ignore it. The fact I can’t bare to be around you.”
Ash's smile disappeared.
"You could just pretend not to notice."
"Ash-"
"You could sit next to me anyway."
"No."
"You could hold my hand."
"No."
"You could kiss me."
His voice broke, and now both of them began to cry, making no effort to hide their anguish.
"No."
"You could tell me I'll get used to it. Maybe I would."
"You don't know that!”
Alain practically shouted, and upon seeing Ash flinch with such terror that it seemed to rack his entire frame, Alain wished he could claw his own insides out.
"I'm sorry."
There it was again.
He was always sorry, but he couldn’t stop causing Ash pain.
Pikachu looked (who was startled away by Alain’s shout) looked between them, his ears lowering.
Alain pressed both hands over his face.
He couldn't do this.
He couldn't stand five metres from Ash and listen to him bargain away his own pain for the chance to be loved.
"I love you too.”
Ash made a small sound.
He had never said it before to anyone – including his own parents, who had left him on Professor Sycamore’s doorstep all those years ago.
"I love you so much."
Ash’s shoulders shook and every part of Alain wanted to wrap his arms around the shivering boy, and hold him until he felt okay again, but Alain knew that would just make it worse so he stayed planted where he was.
"But if being around me hurts you this much..." His voice failed.
Ash sobbed.
Alain tried again.
"Then I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
"Alain."
"I'm sorry."
"Please."
"I'm so sorry."
"Alain, don't."
He reached for the door; his hand hovered above the handle.
For one selfish second, he almost turned around and told Ash they could try anyway.
That love would be enough to fix this, but he knew in his heart it wouldn’t.
"One day," Alain said quietly, "you're going to find someone who absolutely adores you. Someone who treats you like the most incredible person that you are.”
His vision blurred, thinking about his hypothetical man who very much isn’t him.
"They'll go to every League match. Even when you lose."
"I don't lose that often."
Alain laughed.
A sob escaped with it.
"No. You don't."
Ash laughed too.
"They'll listen to you talk about Pokémon for hours."
"That doesn't sound hard."
"It is."
"Hey."
"They'll hold your hand and you won’t be afraid of their touch.”
Alain's voice cracked.
"Alain..."
"You'll look at them and you'll feel safe."
"Stop."
"They'll love you in all the ways that I can’t.”
"Stop."
Alain opened the door.
"I'm sorry I can't be that person."
"Alain."
He looked back.
He shouldn't have.
The haunted look on Ash’s face would haunt him for the rest of his life, yet Alain had never seen him look more beautiful - and he had never hated himself more.
Ash wiped his face.
"I'm sorry too, Alain."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for."
"I do because. I... I think a part of me will always want you to be that person."
Alain didn’t answer because he knew if he opened his mouth, he would betray his resolve and stay with Ash, even if it meant hurting him.
So, he left, and despite every instinct in his body screamed at him to turn around.
He didn’t because he could never subject Ash to a lifetime of pain, even if he would always love him.