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Sungho had always been a sad person, that was no surprise. He had been in a battle with depression since middle school. Depression was all consuming. Also during middle school he discovered self harm. He never hurt himself because he thought he was a failure or something, he just needed his thoughts to quiet down.
Sungho was beyond beautiful now and he had soft delicate pink hair but during middle school he definitely didn't look like that, back then he thought he was disgusting. He still felt that way but it presented itself in body dysmorphia and eating disorders nowadays. He still harmed himself, he just was more aware that what he was doing was harmful to himself and that maybe doing it frequently wasn't a good idea.
Sungho was sharing an apartment with Taesan, his best friend. They met in high school and have been close since. Taesan was aware of Sungho's depressive tendencies and he tried his best to help Sungho but Taesan was not a licensed therapist so there really wasn't much he could do.
“Sungho what are you gunna do for dinner!” Taesan called out staring into their refrigerator.
Sungho was on the couch watching a show wrapped up in a blanket “uhhhh I don’t know!” Sungho yelled back
Taesan walked over to Sungho so he didn’t have to keep yelling “whatcha craving?” Taesan said, leaning his calf against the couch, facing the tv. Taesan's stature was tall and his overall body mass was much larger than sunghos. Sungho hadn’t decided if he was into that yet but he couldn’t deny he didn’t like a larger man.
“I think I’ll just scrap for some leftovers.” Sungho said, looking up at Taesan with his cat-like eyes.
Taesan was familiar with this. It was always “oh I’ll just get whatever” “oh I’ll just get something later” usually “later” would never come with Sungho. Taesan never explicitly brought up the fact that Sungho had an eating disorder but they both knew that they both knew.
“Sungho please I’ll just heat you up some ramyun” Taesan said moving to face Sungho.
Sungho looked away down at his fuzzy blanket, it was his comfort, it was familiar. “Taesan please.” Sungho mumbled under his breath almost with the same cadence of an embarrassed teen.
Taesan leaned down in front of Sungho on his knees. “You have to eat. What do you want?” Taesan said more gently knowing that it was sensitive and is a wound still healing. Taesan caressed the back of Sungho's hand with his thumb.
Sungho remained silent, his finger tips fidgeting with his blanket. He bit his cheek “can’t I just have some rice?” He spoke nervously.
“No, but maybe if I add some veggies and meat?” Taesan said keeping his eyes locked on sunghos.
“Please.” Sungho said uncomfortably, covering his eyes with his hand, not wanting to be seen this desperate.
“Maybe rice and soup with veggies?” Taesan suggested as softly as he could.
Sungho adjusted awkwardly and uncomfortably. Sungho could feel his mind screaming at him to just lock himself in his room. Now he wasn’t mad at Taesan, he just needed to be alone and away from him. Sungho just wanted to hurt and not fix it, it felt good, the sickness felt good.
Sungho started to get up, Taesan standing up as well. “I’m-..” Taesan started knowing that letting Sungho go might be best. Sungho got out of the living room walking down their halls to his room. It was warm with the lights on but when all the lights were off it felt cold and enclosing.
Sungho locked his door, curling up as small as he could under his desk. He wanted to feel safe and enclosed. That was his safety during meltdowns.
The tears started, the wetness falling down his slightly red cheeks. All his thoughts were telling him that he was an asshole for rejecting Taesan's help. In a strange way Sungho just wanted to be held but needed Taesan at a distance.
Sungho wanted to cut himself so badly, he felt that maybe it would stop the bad thoughts. He got up walking to his nightstand slowly opening the drawer grabbing the box cutter. He knew it wasn’t a good idea but he felt like he didn’t have any other way of coping.
Sungho rolled up his shirt sleeve putting the razor on his upper arm. He slowly dragged it over his skin, clenching his teeth from the pain. His face quickly damped, he knew this was wrong he just felt like there was no other way. The razor slowly moved over his pale skin that was quickly contrasted by the bright red starting to appear.
Sungho cried hard but silently, he didn’t want to burden Taesan. After he felt the cut was satisfactory he put the cutter down, getting back up to grab a tissue to clean up the blood. His tears slowed, his mind started to disassociate and his feelings started to subdue.
He felt pathetic and stupid for cutting himself. Cutting himself was such a temporary fix, it only would distract himself for so long. He did enjoy the feeling, it felt like everything in his head went silent. Cutting himself would shock his brain so all his thoughts would go quiet, that was everything he wanted. His thoughts were always constantly screaming at him, it was his own hell.
“Sungho?” Taesan said softly with gentle cadence.
Sungho was almost started if his peripheral vision didn’t catch Taesan walking over in the light peeking under the door. Sungho stayed quiet, opening a bandaid.
“I apologize for what I said. I know it..upsets you, I’m so sorry.” Taesan said, leaning against the wall outside of Sungho room.
Taesan adjusted his footing “um, do you want your blanket?”
Sungho almost forgot about his blanket, it was his favorite comfort after feeling sad. He would call it his blankie but he was a grown man and people his age didn’t really say that.
Sungho slowly opened the door, looking down trying to hide his clearly red puffy eyes. He extended his arm out to receive the blanket but instead got Taesan's hand. Taesan opened the door more, carefully and strategically.
“You don’t have to explain, I just need to know how to help you.” Taesan said, stepping in the room handing Sungho his blanket.
Sungho sat on his bed, his knees to his chest while Taesan had his legs crossed in front of him. Taesan wrapped the blanket around the very cold Sungho.
“I don’t want help” Sungho said, still keeping his head down.
Taesan sighed lightly “but you know you need it?”
Sungho nodded guilty.
“I know it might hurt talking about it all but I really just want to understand.” Taesan said, rubbing Sungho knees sweetly, “I love you so much and it hurts to see you hurt.”
“Promise you won’t leave?” Sungho said, biting his lip.
“Of course.” Taesan said sincerely.
Sungho confessed everything, the cutting, the eating disorder, and the depression. By the end his whole face was drenched in tears. Taesan held him tight and pet his hair soothingly.
“Please Sungho.” Taesan said weakly “just tell me whenever you’re hurting, your soul is worth healing”.
Sungho as a result was sobbing into Taesan's shoulder. He truly didn’t know how much he needed to get this weight lifted from his chest. This felt so intimate, being held while crying was such a bonding feeling. Seeing someone else their most vulnerable and weak is something uncommon and something to keep safe.
“When you're ready, could I see your cut? It needs to be disinfected.” Taesan said slowly lifting Sunghos head up from his shoulder.
Sungho nodded, his tears slowing and subduing.
They walked to the bathroom, Sungho wrapped up in his blanket.
Taesan switched the light on closing the door because this felt too vulnerable to keep the door open. Slowly and steadily taesan moved over sunghos blanket rolling up his sleeve carefully removing the bandaid. Taesan made sure to keep a neutral expression so Sungho didn’t feel bad for it.
“Sit on the counter for me please.” Taesan said while grabbing a towel.
Taesan wet the towel with water softly applying it on the cut. Sungho didn't wince, he didn’t even flinch. He was unfortunately so desensitized to the pain. Taesan kept cleaning up the surface with the water before applying soap and water on the cloth.
“This may sting.” Taesan warned softly, caressing the back of Sungho's hand.
He cleaned the wound with the soapy towel, then repeated the process getting the soap out with water on the towel.
“All done” Taesan said while applying a bandaid to it rolling his sleeve back down.
Sungho acknowledged his efforts and gave a small smile. Taesan smiled back pinching Sungho's cheek. Taesan adjusted Sungho's blanket kissing the now clean cut “it’ll heal faster with a kiss.” Sungho grinned from this.
They got out of the bathroom going back to Sungho's room. They both settled back on the bed laying down.
“Feeling better?” Taesan said, looking up at the ceiling.
Sungho nodded. Words still felt like a lot right now so silence was enough for him.
“I love you” Taesan said looking at Sungho “I don’t say it enough but I truly do love you”
“Why does a kiss help it heal faster?” Sungho said mindlessly.
“When you feed your inside with love your outside reflects it and therefore heals faster.” Taesan said almost wisely and stupidly.
Sungho took those words deeply and looked at Taesan, his side profile was beautiful to Sungho. It was now pretty late into the night and they both started to yawn. Taesan subconsciously wrapped himself around Sungho (and his blankie).
“I love you Taesan, thank you.”