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Jiwook hated being bored, he avoided being still for more than five minutes. And if that meant he'd have to constantly look for things to be busy and stress over, then so be it.
He kept pushing himself to his limit, doing anything in hopes of blacking out until the next morning the moment his heavy body touched his bed. He'd still stay up at ungodly hours staring at his ceiling, with the lights turned off in hopes of finally falling asleep.
It didn't really start from that specific day, that feeling had always been with him way before the day he tried that wig on, but that was the day he actually felt the consequences of pushing that part of him to the depths of his brain. It caused so many confusing thoughts to resurface.
At first all it did was annoy him, randomly making him uncomfortable at the sight of his own figure in the mirror.
Then, he remembered what Sullyoon told him on the way home from the photo shoot, "I don't know how you pulled it off, but you looked cute as a boy".
Jiwook had kept trying to brush it off like he always did when he was younger. When that didn't work, he thought asking for advice would ease his mind.
"Don't be scared, but I'm gonna ask you something and you gotta be honest, okay?" Although he was quite blunt with his request, he said it quietly, not confident about his next words.
"Did something happen?" Haewon picked up her phone from her nightstand and sat up properly. "Why did you call? Do you want me to come to your room?" She checked the time, it was four in the morning.
"I'm fine, I just need to ask you something quick," He could hear Haewon shifting in her bed and waited for the noise to stop to keep talking, "Do you think that— I mean what if i was a boy, you know?"
"Then you'd be a boy, what kind of question is this? Jiwoo, are you alright?" She got worried and more impatient as seconds went by with complete silence, "Jiwoo, are you there? I'm coming to your room".
"No! It's fine, unnie. I'm sorry" He whispered, his voice seemed defeated.
"Jiwoo-yah, what's this about? I don't really understand, do you want me to get Lily? Maybe Bae?" Haewon knew emotional conversations weren't her strongest suit, so she assumed the most emotionally intelligent members were more suitable for this kind of topics.
"Unnie," Jiwook's trembled, Haewon was about to run to his room, but Jiwook spoke again "Do you remember our Blue Valentine photo shoot?"
"I do, they came out the other day. Ah, did you read hate comments again?" Haewon sounded relieved she had figured out the reason for Jiwook's internal turbulence, but she was still worried as to why this had affected Jiwook so much, it wasn't the first time they had received hate comments anyway.
"No. Unnie , listen to me," He seemed irritated for where the conversation was going, "I'm asking if— What if i was a boy? Like— with the hair, and the clothes—" Haewon sighed, she had no idea what any of that could mean. Jiwook seemed to sense the long pause. "Unnie, forget it. I'm just gonna go to bed. Sorry."
Haewon could hear Jiwook shifting in his bed, assuming he was laying down, she made a mental note to check on Jiwook in the morning. "Alright, don't think too much about the hate comments, okay?" She pressed, "You looked good, Jiwoo. Goodnight." She was waiting for Jiwook to say it back, but he had already hung up.
Jiwook stared at his window, he was sat up, debating whether to give up and try to sleep or go with his brand new idea.
He knew it was 4 in the morning, but it felt like it was the only way he would be able to rest.
Jiwook picked up the scissors and ran to the bathroom mirror, flinching at his own sight. He remembered what Yoona had told him, and maybe, maybe it wouldn't be that bad. He could use extensions just like Lily and Haewon.
He tried watching a YouTube tutorial but was too anxious to actually understand anything that the video explained, and the haircut he chose was actually easy to do, so even the uneven, choppy parts weren't that easy to spot.
He stared in the mirror for long minutes, anyone else would just think he zoned out. However, Jiwook had never been so aware of himself in this very moment, his euphoria was bigger than the sleep deprivation and stress from the long practice sessions he had in a few hours.
It was as if his entire world view had changed, the air had become lighter and he was no longer a stranger to his reflection, he was happy.
After a few minutes of giggling at himself, all it took was ten minutes for Jiwook to fall asleep.