Chapter Text
Waking up in the mornings has always been a struggle for Chan. Going through the efforts of dragging himself from the warm clutches of slumber is a pain in the ass. This is why he quite often sleeps through his alarm. Even after years of the same shit. It’s not his fault his bed is warm and soft and perfect. It’s not his fault- well, it kinda is his fault that he stays up too late. He’s just scared to sleep sometimes. Scared of death. The pain.
This morning is no exception. However, Chan has a strange gut feeling that jolts him awake. That gut feeling just turns out to be Jeongin shaking him back and forth, reprimanding him to get the fuck up or they’re going to be late.
“C’mon hyung. You weren’t even up that late last night” He seems genuinely distressed.
“Sorry Innie” Chan groans as he sits up. He shouldn’t have been on his laptop at the kitchen table last night. It always makes his neck ache for days after. “What time is it?”
“Ten thirty!” Jeongin exclaims, exasperated.
“Oh shit!” Chan swings his legs off the bed and starts rifling through the clean laundry pile on the bottom of his bed. He should probably put some of it away soon. His room has been a real mess lately. He hasn’t been on his A-game. He’s been feeling quite sick lately actually. Queasy and nervous for no particular reason. The whole last week.
“Breakfast is on the table. Do you want any help?” Jeongin shifts from foot to foot.
“I’m all good Innie. Thank you for making breakfast. Go down and start the car. I’ll be there in five.”
Jeongin raises an eyebrow. Chan has never gotten ready that quickly in his life. Even when he’s three hours late. He does not go down to the car. He just goes and sits out on the couch. He looks forward to watching his hyung get reprimanded.
Chan quickly realizes he can’t find his socks. Any of them. He bought 4 pairs just last month. Because he lost the other 20 he was sure he owned. His room is really filthy though. He’ll clean it when he gets home tonight. Well, hopefully tonight. He doesn’t want to clean at 3am. Well if he does actually come home straight after their last schedule, he’ll drink something with caffeine in it for good luck.
The hole in his stomach deepens.
-
“Chan you fucking moron” Jeongin sighs as Chan hops into the car. His tone of voice is most likely because while Chan insisted he would ‘take five’, it actually took him half an hour to get ready. Meaning they are leaving at 11. Despite their schedule starting 15 minutes ago.
“I couldn’t find my clothes,” Chan shrugs.
That makes Jeongin freeze up a little. Mentally at least, since he’s trying to reverse the car out of their spot. Chan is one of the most organized people he knows. Sorting his clothes perfectly. Folding, sorting, all away in their correct spots. But now that he thinks about it, Chan’s room has been a mess these last few weeks. And not just clothes. Actual rubbish on the floor. Disposable cups and bottles, wrappers, tissues.
“Hyung…” Jeongin trails off. He’s just a little too shocked and confused for the words to come out right. “You good?”
“Yeah. I think so. I’ve just been a little anxious lately. Deadlines, you know?” Chan shrugs, staring out the window.
Jeongin looks over at him when they stop at a red light. “No. No, I don't know. We don’t have any ‘deadlines’. Anytime soon.”
“I don’t- I don’t know how to describe it Innie. It’s like… you know when your body can just feel there’s going to be a storm that day? Even if the sky looks clear in the morning?” Chan’s knee bounces up and down.
“Yeah?” Jeongin turns back to the road as the light turns green. He doesn’t know where Chan is going with this.
“I don’t know, I just feel like that all the time lately. Anxious, I guess.” Chan mumbles. He puts a hand on top of his knee to stop it bouncing.
“Can I ask you a question, hyung?”
“You just did.”
Jeongin ignores Chan’s stupid antics. “How much sleep have you gotten in the last few days?” He knows it’s not going to be good. All of them have been worried sick for their hyung lately. But the surgery keeps getting pushed back. So there’s nothing they can fucking do.
“About the same as usual” Chan shrugs, like it’s nothing. It’s nothing good, that’s what it is. “You know it’s hard to sleep.”
Jeongin nods, thinking. Silence fills the car.
“I think it’s just a normal case of Channie hyung being a big worrier. It’ll be okay hyung. How ‘bout this, we get pho for dinner tonight. Then you can get a big sleep. And if that doesn’t work, we can clean your room together until you feel tired.” Or less scared. Jeongin doesn’t say the last part out loud. He knows Chan wouldn’t appreciate it.
-
Minho raises his eyebrows at them when they enter the room. Not unkindly, never unkindly, but confused why they are half an hour late to dance practice. Hyunjin is in the middle of trying to decode the dance moves from Jisung’s rapid mouth. Lord knows why Jisung is telling him. Lord knows why Jisung isn’t just showing him. But Minho’s attention is on the two men who walked through the door. They come over to him after eye contact is established.
“Sorry we’re so late” Chan says sheepishly, pulling at his earring. His age-old habit.
“It’s okay, don’t worry too hard. We’re just mucking around anyway” Minho gestures to the idiots by the mirror.
“Clearly” Jeongin rolls his eyes fondly.
“Thing is though, why are you so late?” Minho crosses his arms.
“Not my problem” Jeongin walks off to make fun of Jisung.
“I slept in real bad” Chan shrugs, still tugging his ear.
“What time did you go to bed though?”
“Well, you see, that’s a complicated question, becau-”
“Just answer me hyung.”
“I’m getting to that. I went to bed at two. But then I got a message and got caught up on my phone, so I didn’t sleep until four. But then I woke up real bad at six and couldn’t sleep until nine. Then I woke up at ten thirty” Chan laughs nervously.
“Dear fucking god” Minho pinches the bridge of his nose. “So you got three and a half hours of sleep. And no more than two hours at a fucking time”
“Pretty much” Chan shrugs.
“Hyung, you need to fucking sleep more!” Minho exclaims, louder than he means to.
“You know I can’t help it though.” Chan’s face twists into a scowl.
“Can you though? What about that surgery? Huh? You think we all believe that the ‘manager’ keeps pushing the date back? No Chan, we know it’s you. You don’t want to get the surgery because you can’t handle resting. You don’t care that you aren’t sleeping. You just don’t want to have to spend three fucking minutes recovering from a surgery.” Minho hisses.
“How can you say that?” Chan’s face crumples. Minho realizes he’s gone way too far. Yet again. “I hate not sleeping. I hate the nightmares and the paranoia and the pain. Do you know how terrifying it feels to not be able to fucking breathe? I feel like I’m fucking dying, and you accuse me of doing it on purpose? You fucking asshole!”
Minho can’t think of anything to say. Everyone is staring. At him. The asshole. He ducks his head. He’s really fucked up this time. “God hyung. I- I don’t know why I said that. I’m so fucking sorry”
“You fucking better be” Chan spits. “Now do your fucking job and get this practice going.”
Chan feels kinda really bad for being so harsh on Minho. Especially since Minho was kinda right. It’s really complicated. As feelings and thoughts usually are. He is scared of having to rest. After he gets the surgery, he will have to rest. He will probably have to take some time off work. However, there’s also the fact it will probably change his voice. He’s told everyone multiple times this is the main reason he doesn’t want the surgery. They always tell him it doesn’t matter. But it does matter. So fucking much. And sure he has been pushing back the surgery a little, but their manager is also really hesitant for the same reasons Chan is. Even if their manager green lights it though, who knows what Jieun would do though. Even though it’s kinda really not up to her.
-
During the water break, Chan doesn’t drink a whole lot of water, just spits most of it back out. His stomach is still in nervous knots. And a stitch will not help anything. Chan doesn’t know why he feels so much dread. Is he going to die tonight? Is his breathing finally going to stop for good? Chan doesn’t even want to imagine that. It sounds so fucking painful. Call him a pussy but he’s scared of pain. He gets so caught up in that awful daydream he doesn’t even realize the break is over until Changbin pats his back.
Their choreographer is here for the second half of their practice. A tall man named Yoon Jeamin with some of the healthiest hair Chan has ever seen. And that’s saying something, considering he’s constantly surrounded by perfectly beautiful idols.
Chan’s mind is preoccupied while they practice the Run It choreo though. They’re practicing for promotions, but what if Chan doesn’t even make it past promotions?
After practice, while everyone is packing up, Chan tries expressing his concerns to Jeongin again.
“Hyung. Please. You really do just need sleep. You are fine. Nobody here is dying anytime soon.” Jeongin squeezed his hand. Only to get preoccupied with Felix and Seungmin. It doesn’t matter. That gives Chan time to apologise to Minho.
“Hey” Chan comes up beside him.
“Hi hyung” Minho stands up from grabbing his bag. He stares at Chan with his mouth half open, like he wants to say something but isn’t sure how.
“I’m really sorry about earlier. I really didn’t mean to blow up at you like that. You were kinda right and I got unfairly upset” Chan tugs at his earring.
“It’s okay hyungie. I should be the one who’s sorry.”
“Not anymore” Chan steps forward and pulls Minho into a hug. Usually, the younger man would jokingly resist and squirm. He just melts into it. Burying his face into Chan’s shoulder. He seems close to crying. Sniffly and pathetic. Chan really laid into him earlier.
“It’s okay baby” Chan reaches up and scratches the back of Minho’s head softly. He’s met with another sniffle and Minho burying his face firmer.