Chapter Text
I dream of him nightly.
I dream that he liked me, that we were dating, what that could be like.
I think that he'd be just as sweet as his online persona is; he'd always tell me how nice I look and how he loves it when I talk about Icchan. Unfortunately I'm just one of millions of fans of his. Someone could read this as a smidge parasocial, but in a world of people claiming to be dating him, married to him, and having a strange array of online usernames revolving around him; I think I could be a lot worse. Plus my love to Hirose is pure just like he is.
You see in these dreams they would often start out with Hirose magically noticing me and singling me out like I was special. Then maybe we'd get a coffee; I'd get a black cappuccino and he'd probably like a smoothie or hot chocolate depending on the day, and he would instantly fall for me. We'd talk for hours about everything and nothing all at the same time and end up wasting the day away just by being at each other's side. As unrealistic as i know it is, it's still fun to think about stuff like that when im by myself, wether it's getting ready for the day or trying to fall asleep. I also think of it now while I'm getting ready to see Hirose in the flesh with my good friend Kawamura. We've both been fans of Interstellar ever since their debut, and have stayed strong in a sea of posers who only like the band because there's hot guys in it (I mean half the reason I like them as much as I do is because Hirose's in it so I can't blame too much). We've been waiting months to see them live and now that the moment's almost here I can barely register that I'm alive as a living being; let alone that I'm actually going to see The Hirose.
"Nakamura are you almost ready? we're gonna be late!" I barely register Kawamura's voice and quickly take one last look in the mirror.
"Coming!" I look in the mirror quickly one last time, since when did I have a pimple there? and dash out the door. Kawamura looks great as always with her hair in her signature pig tails braided with enough precision to look bouncy and fluffy, but still neat and controlled. She's also wearing a outfit I haven't seen before, she has on a new shining pair of brown Mary janes, the kind with yellow thread and flowers on them. With a midi pleated dark brown skirt, she's also wearing a Interstellar band tee that she got from a previous concert underneath her tan cardigan.
"Let's go Nakamura we need to leave now if we want to get to the train on time."
"I'm ready we can go now, sorry for taking so long" my stomach is starting to twist into knots and I can't help but overthink about how this might go. Do i look stupid? what if I do something embarrassing like always and everyone ends up hating me, oh god what if Hirose see's me do something dumb and I'm forever remembered as the weird fan from that one concert. I nearly trip as I walk along the bumpy sidewalk with Kawamura. I have to get out of my head. I look up and admire the sunset as the soft oranges and reds make their way across the sky, the soft tree's pass us by as we shortly reach the train station. It won't be much longer now before we're there and once we're there it'll only take a few hours before I finally get to experience my first concert.
"Did you see that quiet secrets is on the set list for the concert?" I hear from Kawamura her voice rising with excitement.
"There's no way! They haven't played that song since their debut, I mean everyone likes it but I thought they said they weren't going to play it live ever again since… the incident." My voice is getting louder like it always does when I talk about something I'm interested in, and the fact that this is so unexpected and shocking makes my voice almost 3 octaves higher in pitch.
"That's the thing they did say that. After Takeuchi started crying on stage the managers thought it would bring a bad image to the band if that ever happened again so they banned that song from ever being on another set list."
"Then why'd they add it?"
"There's a few theories floating around but nothing's been confirmed or even released talking about why they might've changed their mind's." The train halted with a thud as it approached our station, finally it's been ages. Kawamura and I walk off the train and start the short walk to the stadium, and after we finally reach our destination we'll only have to wait for an hour before we can take our seats! We wander around the stadium looking at photo booths and having the occasional snack before our ticket numbers are called. Kawamura's taking pictures this entire time probably so she can post about it later. She has a pretty big fan account on Insta and twitter and constantly posts about the band. We reach the front of the line in a nerve wracking 15 minutes and show the menacing guard (does he have to be that menacing, I can feel my soul being evaluated just by his gaze alone) and get to our seats practically skipping as we walk. Kawamura and I are so incredibly lucky to be going to the same venue let alone have seats right by each other. Honestly if I wasn't as close to Kawamura as I am, and we weren't going to the same concert, I don't know if I would have a very good time. I feel like I could be consumed with worry and doubt the whole time and unable to enjoy myself, I'm glad that we've become friends over this last school year.
"IT'S STARTING!" Kawamura screams as quietly as a scream can be, and I finally focus on the stage. I'm gonna barf. The whole arena has come alive with a new excitement and electricity now that the band members have walked on stage, and I can't tell if everyone's screaming or if it's just me.
"Hey Yokohama, how we doing tonight!" a roar from the crowd could be heard as the member standing in the middle of the group begins to walkout towards the front of the stage.
"OH MY GOD IT'S HIROSE. KAWAMURA IT'S HIROSE!" I turn to face my friend and see the elation etched in her face. We squeal in excitement as we hear the first notes of the set list drop.
All the members of Interstellar have their backs faced towards the audience (with the sole exception of Hirose of course) and as lights flash and music arrives in abrupt instances they turn one by one. Starting with Takeuchi, seen as the heartthrob the group, lots of girls find him cute and charming (though if you asked me I don't really see the appeal). There was a scandal a few years ago close to the time where the group was starting to get really popular, where people suspected he had a girlfriend from the idol group lucky, and his fan's didn't take the rumors well. They started harassing the poor girl and were so upset with Interstellar that people were getting worried Takeuchi might have to leave. The girl, i think her name was Hamaoka or something, came forward and said the rumors were fake and that she had no interest in him. which lead to another incident… There were actually a lot of those during the early years, god they awful.
As the first song finishes out its upbeat and soft tune, it suddenly turns harsh with the thump of strong and powerful bass echoing throughout the stadium. I can feel the floor rattling under my feet and it slowly travels up my spine, and it's unlike any other kind of feeling I've felt. It feels dangerously intoxicating as I watch Hirose move across the stage with a grace and confidence more passionate than I've seen in any sort of recording. The chorus of the song swells and I see another one of the members, Sakuru, jump on top of a box and sing a masterfully done rift. Out the corner of my eye I notice that Hirose is sauntering toward the center of the stage and leading the next section of choreography. He's completely engrossed in the music and is dancing as if he hears a message that only he can translate. My palms get clammy and I'm acutely aware of how the hair on the back of my neck and in front of my forehead is starting to weigh down with sweat. My cheeks are now starkly warm and I feel I can't look any where but at him. The stage lights are slightly stinging my eyes, were they that bright before? Hirose looks otherworldly in the red lights; his hair looking a darker deeper brown and clinging to him ever so slightly. It's really his eyes that capture me though, they're half open and I can't tell if he looks slightly sleep deprived or has just woke up (in a way that suits him and him only though). A wave passes through him as he transitions from move to move and now he's looking at me dead on. I feel trapped in his gaze, unable to move an inch or breath. It feels like his eyes meet mine for a lifetime, and in that lifetime he could read any and every thought I've ever had. His eyes have always been big and round, but with how his pupils are dilated they look more alluring than I thought they could ever be. His long lashes flutter against his eyebrows hypnotizing me in the process. While he's dancing the choreo flawlessly; his face is angled down and finds mine yet again. I notice this time just how gorgeous he is from this angle; and how seductive it is that his lips are barely smirked in a way that tells a room he knows just how pretty he is. His hair is barely covering his eyebrows and looks so effortlessly messy, like he just got out of bed. His warm brown eyes hold a steady gaze with my bland dark ones; before he smirks at me and winks. He turns away moving to the other side of the stage slight looking back for only a moment; holding traces of his mischievous gaze.
Did he just wink at me?! I couldn't have seen that right;I ignore how warm I feel and how red i must be I turn around in a full 360 to see who that might be towards; and the only two people I notice are this cute girl with light brown hair just past her shoulder, and this tall weirdo talking nonsensically to the people beside him about how Hirose just winked at him. He's a good looking guy with bouncy and silky black hair, and looks like he might be charismatic but the way he was talking about that wink had me resisting the urge to vomit. I swear to god if Hirose winked at him instead of me or literally anyone else in this stadium.
He talks well and seems like a good conversationalist, if only the conversation he was having didn't seem so outlandish then maybe the others around him would actually be interested. As much as I want to just rag on about how annoying this guy is, I can't deny that he's conventionally attractive. He has nice dark brown eyes that have a natural gleam about them and a nice smile that's charming if not a little cocky.
I turn to look at Kawamura to ask her if she might've seen it, but she's sadly hypnotized with Hanataro and the way he sings the final notes of the song. If she did see it, she wouldn't remember the moment now. Oh well.
The concert continues on and everything begins to blur together. I can't tell if we get here thirty minuets ago, or hours ago. The music is loud and good but my mind keeps going back to the fact I'm completely unaware of what time it is and how much longer I'll have to enjoy this moment.
"What time is it?" I practically yell with the sole hope that Kawamura will hear me
I suddenly hear a noise to my left "It's 8 on the dot." I turn at a torturously slow pace just to be face to face with the grotesquely handsome giant from earlier. Why did he answer me, I didn't ask you freak.
"Thanks" I quickly murmur back because he kept staring at me, genuinely what is this Cretin's deal. I try to ignore his burning gaze as the band starts the section from their third album and start to let the music enrapture me. The third album is probably my favorite (not just because Hirose was very prominent in it) but because it doesn't feel like a sappy pop album. The album was well done with deep themes of unattainable romance and one-sided love. I remember the night I first listened to it, it was around 11ish and I was quietly lying in bed looking out my window hearing those lyrics for the first time. The soft bed surrounding me, the crisp air coming from my open window, the slight light that bleed in bathing the room in a soft blue. I felt more seen in that moment than I have my whole life. I'd listen to these beautiful songs talk about how they could love someone deeply but could never have them, and how if they could change the world so they could be together they would. Personally I know the feeling of not being allowed to love who you want to love well, and damn it. It hurts.
It hurts knowing that the only thing stoping you from being able to confidently love and be yourself is a matter of who you love. More so the fact that loving someone of the same gender can feel like such a crime, as if I were committing a grave sin. I'm aware and proud of who I am, but it doesn't stop the sting either way. It doesn't stop the hurt I feel whenever I see those around me talk so lowly of other queer people, how they aren't even human in their eyes. Just something to judge or to fetishize, never a person, never worthy to be seen as one.
I snap back to the concert realizing I won't get to experience this forever; I need to enjoy this now and be present. The song starts with a soft consistent beat, and the crowd gradually starts to hum along just like the original song does. This song is one of Kawamura's favorite's mainly because her bias Hanataro takes a big lead in it. Its rare and not very often when he's prominent in a song despite his obvious musical talent. He's almost always a backing vocal and dancer because of his more timid and shyer personality, but when he does have the chance to shine he manages to take everyone's breath away. His long light brown hair shines in the light as he sings a remorseful song of lost romance and longing. His hair reminds me a bit of the girl behind me and I find it odd how they both have almost the same shine in their eyes. I notice Kawamura beside me teary eyed, she's utterly lost in the moment and looks at him with a gleam of longing, or even envy. My heart contracts in my chest as I recall the same feeling I experience when I see Hirose, how when I see him perform songs of love and romance I hurt in a similar way. Though luckily I don't have to see that often for he doesn't sing a lot about girls, he really only ever sings about stereotypical guy stuff now that I think about it.
The stadium starts to become more antsy and rowdy as the band starts their last hit song of the set list. Mukai and Sakuru start off with a simple duet that could be seen and interpreted as banter or an argument. It looks like their fighting over the same girl talking about how she called Mukai her forever lover; and Sakuru brushes it off saying that apparently after loving him she could love no other. The rest of the group joins in and finishes off the song with a lovely synchronization. Lots of girls take a liking to Mukai due to his laid back persona and air of nonchalance. He's stereotyped as the cool one of the group and seen as the mature one. He's about averagish height and has medium brown hair, I don't really see the appeal but yet again no one can really compare to Hirose.
Sakuru is the one in the group I could care the least about, he's always causing trouble and making problems and it's annoying. He's probably the third tallest with pitch black hair, dark brown eyes, and piercings that could make a grandma faint. I wouldn't pay him any mind except anytime I see him he's acting strangely around some girl, wether trying to impress her or borderline harassing her, he's never alone with just the band. He reminds me of these American guys who fake their personality just to get girls.
The last actual song 'quiet secrets' plays. It's the song from their debut album that was supposed to be banned from being played live. It's similar to western rock or punk music with intense guitar rifts and a loud and prominent drum line. My eyes start to widen as a wave of adrenaline hits my body, I'm only apart of a handful of fans that get to experience this song in person. Everyone's stomping along including Kawamura and myself; I hear Hirose's clear voice sing out and walk further and further toward the front of the stage. He's bathed in warm white light that suits him so well. His cheeks look rosy and he has a nice tan as if he recently went to the beach. His lips look so soft and plump; they have a slight red tint to them that makes him look all the more attractive. He looks so happy as he works his way around the curve of the stage dancing and singing until he reaches my sector. My eyes can't leave the sight of him, and I see every second of him singing. I won't get my hopes up, he didn't look at me the first time and he's not gonna look at me again. My eyes can't leave the sight of him, and I see every second of him singing. He looks at the entire crowd until he kneels down and makes direct eye contact with me. He stays there and sings for only a moment, but I swear that moment felt like a blissful eternity. He soon rises and before I'm forced to see him walk away from me; his slightly red tinted lips pucker up. I notice his hand rise to his mouth, and he blows me a kiss, winking quickly before almost running away.
There's no way… I had to imagine it, cause if I didn't that means... Hirose blew me a kiss? I can feel a torrent of saliva rushing to my mouth and my stomach begins to toil. I can feel today's lunch build like a cork stop at the base of my throat. I can hardly begin to process what I think happened in there. There's no way Hirose would wink at me let alone blow me a kiss, it had to be the cute girl with the light brown hair behind me. A guy like him would definitely like a sweet looking girl like her, and not someone like me. Though the way his warm light brown eyes looked into my eyes felt to real just for him to be looking at someone else. I would ask Kawamura if it looked like he was winking at me but Hanataro was breaking it down on stage and wouldn't look away even if the arena suddenly caught on fire. I can't really blame her though; if Hirose was throwing it down like he was I wouldn't look away for anything else either.
"Did you hear Hanataro's high note ?!? I don't know how he does it!" Kawamura talks about the concert rapidly and at a louder than normal volume; while we wait what feels like an eternity in line for merch. Though i suppose I can deal with a long line if it means I can get merch signed by Hirose.
"It was insane, and the vocal flips he was doing going into the rift gave me chills. I'm still shivering just thinking about it. The choreo for the last song was so good too."
"I know right, it felt like seeing one of their old concerts come back to life. Don't get me wrong I love Interstellar but they haven't been that good in ages."
"To be honest" I have to lower my voice out of fear of others hearing "I kinda agree. Don't get me wrong they've always been great, but they've been slowly losing that spark we see in the early days and it was starting to feel kinda mainstream." The words rot in my mouth and stay there like a sinner in confessional.
"That's exactly what I've been thinking!" we shuffle our feet forward as we start to make some marginal progress in this never ending line "Every since they released sweet tooth and it got popular they've started to get more and more mainstream, I'm hoping that after this tour they'll start making music similar to their first album."
We're about thirty people away from the merch table, and the table is filled with all sort of trinkets for each musician to sign. There's t-shirts, photo-cards, posters, CD's, vinyls, and hoodies galore. We continue to rush through our words and talk about anything and everything we can about the concert, when I see a strangely tall figure in my peripheral vision.
"My mom's texting me hold on a sec" Kawamura says in a murmured sigh of annoyance while she starts concentrating on texting her mom. I then let myself look to see who's in front of me.
I could vomit at the sight im forced to see. The creep from earlier is right in front of me and is standing menacingly; I'm getting the heebie jeebies just by looking at him. He's making small talk with a group of girls and one other guy in front of him, maybe they're his friends? Impossible, I won't believe it. They talk and politely giggle when the conversation requires it. The people in the group seem pretty nice , but something about this cryptid seems to ruin any image of a normal group I could imagine.
We're only fifteen people away now when Kawamura's done talking to her mom and the air is getting unbearably humid. I swear it wasn't this hot when we first got in line. I can feel sweat start to build at the base of my neck and a dreadful heat start to build in my chest. I can see him now and a swarm of butterflies arise to attack my stomach. It takes just about everything in me to keep a somewhat neutral face and not crumple up on the floor this very second. His hair looks so fluffy and light from here, and has to be natural his natural hair color because its the same shade throughout. His eyes are looking at the photo-card he's actively signing and though his eyes are slightly squinted with effort, he looks as carefree as always. He talks with the fan in front of him like they're childhood friends. He waves goodbye to her as her time with him finishes up and now he's talking to the next fan taking the trinket in her hands and signing it without looking away from her. How is he so effortlessly charming? How can he just talk and interact with people all day? I know some people are more outgoing and extroverted but it still kinda baffles my brain to think about the concept of enjoying and seeking out conversation with others.
Five minutes pass by and Kawamura is no longer the same place I am in line and is instead getting a poster signed by Hanataro. I suppose he's been having shorter interactions with his fan's if she was able to reach him so fast. She's glowing with excitement while he talks to her; even if she's being left a smidge speachless. Her dark brown eyes shine as she actively watches him sign the poster and add a note, then proceeds to leave the second the poster reaches her hands. With how fast she runs away she ought to be put on the track team, they need another sprinter after all.
My feet might as well be filled with lead as I get closer and closer to having my merch signed by Hirose. I can barely move as I realize just how soon I'm going to have the opportunity to interact with Hirose, oh my god I'm actually going to get merch signed by the Hirose. I'm pulled out of my thoughts as the giant in front of me hands his recently bought band tee to Hirose so he can sign it. Hirose's quiet and not saying a lot, weird? Though I don't blame him as the fan's talking up a storm no mere human could keep up with. He talks so fast and is only complimenting and talking about Hirose (which I could understand) but it's not exactly a great way to start and continue a conversation. My ears are on the verge of bleeding from how annoying and irritating his voice is (despite it being a velvety tone), and I accidentally keep staring at Hirose throughout this interaction. He suddenly looks up at me with the same look as before and my eyes rush down out of sheer shock that he looked at me. They had such a concentrated intensity as if they were trying to read every part of my soul.
Eventually the creep walks away saying bye on a never ending loop, jesus you couldn't be more desperate if you tried, and it's now my turn to have my merch signed. I pick up the same t-shirt i saw before, it has a cartoonish rocket soaring across the material making a semi oval encapsulating the words 'Interstellar'. The words are written with a bubble font and the overall color scheme of the shirt seems to be a mix of blues, purples, and silver. The back has a group photo of all the members and their manager standing behind them with the song set list written below in the same font but instead black. The photo could be seen vintage sq and looks a bit candid with how all the members are mid laugh and have real smiles on their faces. I recognize this photo, it was the insert of the first album and was sold exclusively with the vinyls. I shakily turn the shirt to him and hand it over, trying to mask the way my hands tremble and shake as they move forward toward him.
"Hey I'm Hirose, what's your name?" He speaks with the shine of every star in the sky; there's no possible way he could sound kinder, more genuine, or more charming than he just did. He must have introduced himself so I could feel comfortable doing the same, because who would go to a concert and get in a signing line for a idol group they don't even know?
"I'm Nakamura" I sound like an absolute dumbass. My voice is shakier than my hands and if my hands were tectonic plates they would be scoring an easy 8 right now. My cheeks are turning redder than ever seen before, and I know I must resemble a ripe tomato right now. I get enough nerve to look up at him and he's looking at me with all the sentiment of a puppy.
"How long have you been a fan Nakamura?" he says with a smile showing off all his teeth. He looks genuinely happy and intrigued. I'm fully aware in this moment that he's just trying to make nice small talk but he says my name so ardently that I can't help but be swept away. Hell everything about him makes it hard to keep my breath steady.
"since your debut album I think"
He takes a moment and looks up at me, stoping what he's currently writing "Have you really been a fan for that long?" his mannerism are no longer lighthearted and carefree, but suddenly earnest, with a slight red creeping into his cheeks "Most fans I meet have only been around for the most recent albums." I must be imagining the red, I won't be weird and delusional.
"Yeah I actually really like your early music, it was kinda nice hearing quiet secrets live" I curse god for making me sound so timid. It's hard to try and be anything else in this moment though, I'm trying to figure out how to be a normal human being while he's just there being perfect.
He stares at me without saying a word to me for the longest minuet of my life and suddenly blurts "Yeah that songs really fun to perform but we couldn't play it forever." as if there was never any silence, he continues onto signing my shirt and it seems like he writing a bit more than he normally does for fans, but he probably writes a good bit for every fan. He's so kind it's makes perfect sense for him to do so.
"If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you play it for so long?" Hirose finishes writing his signature and other things then leans forward to me as if to tell a secret.
He cups his hand around his mouth "Now you didn't hear this from me, but we couldn't play it because our manager didn't want us to be associated with that kind of image anymore. Said it was to punkish and rebellious for a bunch of 'sweet good boys'. Also one of our members has a rough history with that song so the boss saw it as a kinda two birds one stone moment." He's speaking barely above a whisper and I have to lean down slightly just to hear him correctly. I notice our time has been up for a good bit now and rush out a quick thank you and good bye. I almost forget the shirt in my panic. His eyes meet mine and they have a slight crinkle to them, his lashes crowd his eyes similarly to the moment before he winked at me. They suit his eyes so well, his eyes don't look quite as lidded as they did before but rather keeping their round and chipper shape. His shoulders barely shake as if holding back a laugh, though I don't know what would be so funny to laugh at right now.
"Hey don't forget your shirt, thanks for being such a dedicated fan! see you later Nakamura." our hands barely graze as I take back the soft cotton shirt from his grasp. I feel suddenly warm yet again at the touch and hold the shirt tight to my chest as if it's something precious. Which frankly it is, it's the shirt he just signed under my fingers. Right as I look into his eyes for the last time he has the shadow of a devilish smile and winks at me.