Work Text:
Nine: testing testing how da fudge does this work
Nine: showjlekjw
The Guy Who Is Too Smart To Reveal His Name to Random Phone Numbers: HOW DID U GET THIS NUMBER
Nine: I DON’T KNOW SOME STRANGER HANDED ME A PHONE IN AN ALLEY AND SAID TEXT THIS NUMBER IF YOU WANNA BE PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER SO I DID
Nine: also ouch bro why is ur username mean
Nine: you sound like my brother
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: You also sound like my brother. Not sure that’s a compliment.
Nine: dude.
Nine: duuuuuuude.
Nine: how do u have the patience to acroynimze your name like that
Nine: idc if it is I will take it as one >;)
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Also why would you text a random phone number. That situation was shady as f- Wait, how old are you?
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: WAIT DON’T TELL ME THAT
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Practice stranger danger, you irresponsible youth.
Nine: ???
Nine: now you sound like my brother but if he actually spoke anything but monosylabic responses
Nine: and I don’t know my whole life is shady as fudge, and yes I am old enough to swear but I promised M– i mean I promised a girl I would stop because it’s apparently not “good for the kids” or whatever
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: …
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: This is concerning on so many levels.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Wait.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: What did the guy who gave you the phone look like?
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Was he the evolved form of an overcaffeinated raccoon?
Nine: um
Nine: I’m scared what kind of company do you keep?
Nine: maybe? He seemed kind of in a hurry all I got was that he was super small
Nine: but like he was actually open to collaborating on something which is honestly not a thing that happens often to me so I was like wut the heck
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: >:(
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: WHY WOULD HE DO THIS TO ME.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Ugh. Okay, so I know the guy. Let me guess, you’re the “unnaturally powerful and somewhat unhinged potential ally” he mentioned he was trying to track down?
Nine: first of all can i ask something
Nine: i know you have a thing about giving out personal information
Nine: but like is the guy ur brother bc the vibes i am getting are resonating on such a personal level
Nine: also sure that sounds like me did he mention i was the only smart one with common sense in my circle or smth bc man
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: He is unfortunately my brother.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: This is the last straw, I’m cutting him out of my will.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: …We can say he described you as the smart one.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: He didn’t really talk much about the others, so I have no way to compare.
Nine: yeah sounds about right all the other people I know are batshi–um batcrap crazy
Nine: ALSO UGGHHH LET ME GUESS DID HE GO ROGUE
Nine: i hate when they do that so bad
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Please tell me that you don’t have dark hair and blue eyes.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: “Rogue” is his default state, I honestly don’t know what it would look like if he actually followed the rules.
Nine: that is an oddly specific question
Nine: i thought you were warning me about stranger danger or smth
Nine: doesn’t giving out descriptions fall under that
Nine: …
Nine: but also like no why and now I’m curios
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Let’s just say that the dark-haired, blue-eyed, unhinged people who come in contact with my family typically end up staying.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: That’s how my brother joined us and now nobody can get him out of the vents.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: So you understand that I could use a bit of a break after the insanity.
Nine: oh no no worries we’re not like that at all. I mean my family does also share hair and eye color but I don’t think that’s natural? I thnk? I don’t have a range of reference honestly–but i think it doesn’t count
Nine: insanity is my life
Nne: so um why did ur brother hand me this number
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: I have so many questions right now.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: But the thing is I’m kind of in the middle of a situation and he promised to secure backup.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: He did not mention the backup would be a stranger he was in the middle of tracking down for something else.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: I’m going to murder him once I get out of here.
Nine: um please no murdering is not nice i can promise you there are better ways
Nine: …
Nine: oh were you joking
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Depends.
Nine: um. So.
Nine: I’m…back up?
Nine: where what how why when
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Space. Currently bleeding out in an unsanitary corner of a spaceship. No idea. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Right now.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Also there are magic space aliens but maybe that’s normal for you, I don’t know.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: It’s getting kinda hard to text because of all the blood on my hands.
Nine: WHOIHWELKEJWLKWEJL
Nine: THISHSLI WHY DID U NOT MENTION THAT BEFORE THAT IS THE KIND OF THING YOU START OFF A CONVERSATION WIHT NOT STRANGER DANGER DEATH IS MORE DANGEROUS
Nine: IS SWEAR “SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME MY FOOT” I’M GOING TO MURDER YOU WHAT IS YOUR LOCATION I’M COMING FOR U RIGHT NOW
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Now you get it.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Also, stranger danger is what could have saved my life the first time I died. Don’t belittle it.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: I’ll send you the coordinates.
Nine: …
Nine: u know what i don’t even have time for the story but i’m digging that out of you later
Nine: lemme go knock my brother on the head and tell him not to do anything stupid while i’m gone and then i’ll be tehre
Nine: no actually wait I shoudn’t tell him he’ll want to come with
Nine: omw
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: At least tell him you’re going to a wildly far away place. That is also something that could have prevented my death, just so you know.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Learn from my mistakes.
Nine: ok so stahp dropping verbal bombs are u trying to distract me or what
Nine: also i would ignore your advice but that kinda sounds like what i’ve been trying to pound into his head for like the last years so maybe i should listen to myself via you
Nine: if that makes sense
Nine: also bruh how old are you you sound like an old man rn
Nine: OHMYGOSH PLES TELL ME YOU’RE NOT AN OLD MAN BLEEDING OUT IN SPACE THAT MEANS YOU HAVE EVEN LESS TIME
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: I guess my age is weird enough it doesn’t count as good identifying information.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: I’m 19.
Nine: WHAT DU FUDGE IS DAT SUPPSOED TO MEAN
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: If I explained it, it would become identifying information. Just accept that I’m approximately 19.
Nine: ugghhhh fiiiine
Nine: I swear ur almost as paranoid as the most paranoid person i know
Nine: and he literally never tells anyone anything
Nine: ok I think I’m here? Ish?
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Yeah, I see yah.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Have you ever met a hairbrush.
Nine: wut.
Nine: first of all how dare you
Nine: second of all hairbrushes are irrelevant to you currently bleeding out in a pool of ur own blood DUDE
Nine: also why is ur helmet an angry red skull
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: I would hate for my last act to be meaningless if I die again. Sucked when it happened last time.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: The helmet was a fashion choice I made during an angsty period and I couldn’t change it after because it was a huge part of my street cred.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Also head trauma is not a joke.
Nine: no kidding head trauma suuuuucks
Nine: there u go with the verbal bombs
Nine: fashion choice? Wut does that even mean
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Body armor selection fueled by a revenge plot, fashion choice, they’re two sides of the same coin.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Now please smack those aliens into the wall and come get me because this is starting to suck.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: I mean, it already sucked but now it really sucks.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Also I’m seeing my dead mother and I lowkey want to die if it means getting out of that family reunion.
Nine: sjmackign aliensnhe on head now
Nine: I’d be yellingl at hour fer the last statement wbut too busy punching
Nine: excuse typeeos
Nine: mant hsi s cathartic
Nine: we didn’t get to do NEARLY enough punching in the labs
Nine: and mostly of my time sincep then has been spent talking down psycopahts/insane people
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: …
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Do I need to kneecap some people?
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: How old are you, anyways? You’re ridiculously tall but that means literally nothing in the meta community. You could be like, fourteen.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Please tell me the labs thing was not child experimentation or I will lose my shit.
Nine: uuuuuuhhhh
Nine: 🤷
Nine: idk time’s weird i literally spent like a couple years ina coma and iddn’t remember anything and by that time my recowrs wers scattered so no clue dude
Nine: I’m guess early twenties?
Nine: OHMYGOSH NO I GAVE YOU COMPROMISNG INFORMATION
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: i
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: holdon
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: First of all, really feel the whole “gone for couple of years” thing. Been there, done that.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Second of all I cannot guess even with context what “recowrs” was actually meant to say.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Thirdly, HOW DARE YOU BE OLDER THAN ME WHEN YOU TEXT LIKE A 14-YEAR OLD
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Lastly, I’m proud of you for at least being cognizant of internet safety. And ashamed that you then immediately did the thing you knew not to.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: But I will give you a pass since I asked.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: And since I’m currently bleeding out in a corner while you punch aliens on my behalf, that probably makes us not strangers to that degree anymore.
Nine: rehwow
Nine: RECORDS
Nine: that the lab kept and yes it was child experimentation in answer to ur question but like I didn’t realize it for years ors something because SOMEINE decided to keep secrets
Nine: also do u
Nine: do u know how hard it is to text while punching aliens
Nine: oh who am i kidding you probably do
Nine: also I am so fudging touched that ur have decided we’re not starnget anymore
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: It is perfectly possible to text fluently while punching aliens. What do you think I was doing earlier?
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: Also, since apparently we’re not “starngets”, you probably deserve to at least know my alias.
TGWITSTRHNtRPN: I’m the Red Hood. Crime lord, zombie, and professional sarcasm coach.
Nine: ….
Nine: …
Nine…
Nine: WOW your cirime lord name was not subtle at all
Nine: and also
Nine: zombie what the fu–fudge goshdarn it why did I promise M
Red Hood: My name is perfectly suitable, thank you very much. It’s SYMBOLIC.
Red Hood: Namely, it’s symbolic of the double middle finger I have aimed at the guy who murdered me.
Red Hood: And also.
Red Hood: Now that you’ve finished punching aliens and you’re kind of just standing there swearing at your phone.
Red Hood: Can we get me medical attention because dying once is enough for anybody.
Nine: ok I stand by the fact that it still ain’t subtle but guess that’s the point so respect man
Nine: also yea let me get on that
Nine: hey do you mind making a trip back to my place I got someone who can heal you up
Nine: like swooshy swooshy magic heal you up even if he is kind of a jerk but he’ smy brother so
Red Hood: Is it green.
Nine: ???
Nine: no it’s yellow actually?
Red Hood: I have a lot of unresolved trauma regarding green swooshy swooshy healing magic.
Red Hood: But yellow’s okay.
Red Hood: Sure. Why not.
Red Hood: I may be a paranoid SOB, but I enjoy pissing off my dad, and he makes me look like a trusting schmuck, so.
Nine: is the bad green swooshy swooshy related to you coming back from da dead?
Nine: ok lemme text him
Nine: also don’t take anything he says personally
Nine: he doesn’t actually want to dissect you to inspect your insides, he just likes creeping people out at this stage he doesn’t do it anymore
Nine: I hope.
Nine: we’er working onit.
Red Hood: …
Red Hood: Um.
Red Hood: Do you need me to kidnap you?
Red Hood: Because I know I said earlier that I don’t need more crazy siblings but if you’re in danger then I really don’t care.
Red Hood: Also maybe then people will stop claiming my dad has a type.
Nine: nah it’s all good man as far as my siblings goes he’s one of hte better ones
Nine: can actually be toaked down using logic sometimes MAN i wish that worke don my older brother but nooooo
Nine: thanks for the thought thoi
Nine: also type?
Red Hood: That has in no way reassured me, but I guess I can see for myself.
Red Hood: I’ll explain on the way.
Nine: sounds good! 😀
Nine: also now that ur not dying i want backstory pls psl how are u not dead
Red Hood: You’re going to be disappointed.
Red Hood: Nobody knows how I came back. The only thing I have an explanation for is how the many broken bones and autopsy stuff and brain damage got fixed, which was the green swooshy swooshy.
Red Hood: I like to think that I’m too stubborn to die but honestly they probably just got tired of me on the other side and booted me back out to get some time to themselves before they have to deal with me for all eternity.
Red Hood: I don’t know.
Red Hood: Anyways, let’s go. Chop chop. I’d like to have my blood stay INSIDE me.
Nine: ok come on person who is somehow much smaller and younger than me let’s go picking you up
Nine: >:)
Red Hood: You will regret this.
Red Hood: Put me down, I can walk.
Red Hood: I AM NOT A BABY.
Nine: piggyback time!!!
Nine: relax the kids back tat hte lab looved this
Nine: als u can walk my foot u’ve lsot way too much blood stoppit before you pass out
Red Hood: >:(
Red Hood: >:(
Red Hood: >:( >:( >:(
Red Hood: Fine.