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It wasn’t the first time they would have to share a hotel room, but it had been a long time since they had actually needed to share a bed. Over the last decade, or close to decade whenever they had needed to share a hotel room there had been two beds. They stood next to each other and looked at the bed in the room.
The only sounds that JJ heard was her own heart beat, and a low humming from the small air condition unit in the corner of the room. She guessed that it was supposed to help to keep the room cooler in the humidity and heatwave they were in until they had solved the case. She held on to her own bag, and she heard a soft thud, when she dropped it to the floor. She looked over to Emily, she couldn’t really read the look on Emily’s face, JJ watched how Emily put her things down, maybe there was a small crack in the composure that she was trying to show. JJ saw the tension in Emily, her body, shoulders, jaw gave it away, but JJ was torn if she should bring it up, or just let it go.
“You can take the bed.”
JJ blinked a couple of times, she hadn’t expected the silence in the room to be broken, not yet at least. The words seemed to have left Emily’s lips with ease, like it wasn’t a big deal. She stood there watching Emily as Emily moved around in the room. Even if JJ tried to look at Emily, tried to get her to look at her, Emily avoided eye contact. It should have told her anything and everything she needed to know. JJ took a breath, this was the moment, this was her chance. She watched Emily carefully and she looked for the right words, she couldn’t risk spooking Emily if she did, then it was done, and it would even longer before they might have this conversation.
“Or…” JJ began, she kept her eyes on Emily, “we stop pretending.” She waited for Emily to react, to give her any kind of reaction to where JJ should take this conversation.
“Pretending?” Emily asked, she looked at JJ. She hadn’t expected JJ to say something about pretending, because pretending could mean a lot of different things. Emily had pretended that everything was okay, that she was fine, it had been a long time since those words had been true. If she was honest, JJ was one of the few people that could tell when she was hiding or pretending.
“Yes, pretending,” JJ said, she took a couple of steps closer, “pretend that this,” she motioned to the bed, “is a problem.” She let out a small breath, head tilted to the side as she studied Emily. They had promised to never profile each other, and she wasn’t profiling, she was studying. “Because us sharing a bed has never been a problem before,” she took a step closer, she reached for Emily’s arm, “so why should it be a problem now?”
Emily closed her eyes, the question hung in the air, waiting for her to answer. She didn’t have a good answer, because, wasn’t an answer, at least not one that JJ would be pleased with. The problem with sharing a bed with JJ now was because there were things that needed to be said and Emily wanted to pretend that that specific conversation wouldn’t be needed. She looked down on JJ’s hand, “JJ,” she breathed out, eyes locked, Emily knew that it wouldn’t be possible to claim that it was a problem sharing a bed if she wasn’t honest. “It’s not a problem,” she said, “well, it might be because the bed isn’t that big.”
“Emily, the bed isn’t the problem,” JJ said, “I know, you know,” she let out a breath, tongue darted over her lips, “that if it’s a problem it’s because what sharing a bed could mean,” she moved closer, “so we have two choices here,” she took a deep breath, “we share the bed just like we’ve done before,” her eyes flickered to Emily’s lips for a moment, “or we have the conversation about why you believe that sharing a bed now is a problem.”
She watched JJ’s lips as she spoke, she could only hear about half of JJ said because all she wanted was to scream, that she loved her and that’s why they can’t share a bed now because there isn’t anyone that would be there as an invisible line that she couldn’t cross. Maybe not scream, but tell JJ how she felt, but if those words left her mouth and were spoken loud everything between them would change and Emily wasn’t sure if she could handle the change.
“So what is it Emily?” JJ asked, “I’m not going to wait around for forever,” she said, and looked at Emily. The words weren’t just about the bed, those words meant a lot more, hinted to more, this moment between them had been twenty years in the making. JJ might not have been completely aware of her own feelings until last year, and accepted them. This would either be one of the best moments in her life, or one of the worst, it all came down to if Emily could be honest, and of course JJ being honest herself, that both of them could voice what they had been hiding and kept buried for decades. Over the last year JJ had slowly realized there were moments over the years where she had been close to voicing or acting on these feelings, but she had been too scared of what it meant.
“JJ…” Emily began, and she turned away, she wasn’t ready, it was the fear of what this could mean. She would have to open up her heart, risk the chance of getting hurt. To have loved and lost, that wasn’t for Emily, part of her would rather have to never have loved at all, because she knew that JJ was the one person that could break her heart in a way it had never been broken before.
“For fucks sake, Emily,” JJ closed her distance between them. She was done, she wasn’t going to play games, or ask questions that started with what if, life was too short. She needed answers. She took Emily’s hand and spun her around and pulled her closer
Emily was surprised with JJ’s outburst and the action that followed. “Wha-” Her question was interrupted by JJ’s lips against her.
It hadn’t been a plan to actually kiss Emily, the plan had been to stop Emily from trying to leave the conversation, but the kiss had felt right in the moment, because words weren’t working. It was time for actions to speak louder than any words JJ could have used. Now all she could do was to hope that she hadn’t read the situation completely wrong and actually made things worse, or weirder between them. She felt Emily’s arm around her, and JJ let out a small breath, it was the right call.
“Why did you do that?” Emily whispered, her lips lingered close to JJ’s, almost scared to move, her heart beat fast in her chest. Now she just had to wait for JJ to answer her, it wasn’t the first heavy question for the night, and no matter what JJ’s response ended up being, there would be a lot more.
“Why not”? JJ asked, she moved a hand, cupping Emily’s face, she pushed a few strains of hair away from Emily’s face. “Because I wanted to.” The answer had been easy, it had rolled off her lips. “If it were up to me, I will be kissing you again.”
“Okay.” Words weren’t her friends at that moment, “that’s okay with me.” She felt like a teenager again that just had found out that the person they liked liked them back. “But,” Emily wrapped her arms around JJ, she held her close, “it still not really an answer.”
“Fine,” JJ huffed, and shook her head, “I like you,” she said, “actually, I love you,” she licked her lips, and took a deep breath, “and hopefully things aren’t going to be weird between us.”
Emily smiled at her, and she pulled JJ in for a kiss, this time she got the chance to kiss JJ, and she was prepared for it. It was easy to get lost in the kiss, to sink into JJ, and just to be held by her. One bed had been a good thing this time, or maybe it was the timing that had been right.
“Let’s get some sleep,” JJ whispered, “and we’ll talk more about all of this when we’re back home,” she smiled at her, “and I’ll take you out on a date after we’ve talked.”