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Bond stretched his torso over the marble countertop and growled low at the phone lying between his arms. “Alec, I really don’t care. I’m not putting you up. You pissed her off. That is why she won’t let you into your own bloody flat.”
“It wasn’t my fault, honest!” 006’s voice echoed tinnily through the kitchen. “I told her I was going to be late!”
“What didn’t you tell her?” Bond rubbed his eyes and sighed.
“That someone was going to follow me home?”
“There it is. Who?”
Alec matched Bond’s sigh. “Some random dick who tried to mug me. No big deal.”
Bond stood back up in time to witness the migration of a rather rare creature. “You can’t actually be serious right now. I refuse to believe someone was that stupid. Look at you! Who in their right mind would...” A smile touched his lips.
As Alec continued to bemoan his lack of sleeping areas, a obviously very not-quite-there Q shuffled out of Bond’s master bedroom. He was clutching his tablet and muttering at it, probably testing the voice activated controls and...”Oh dear God, he’s sleepwalking.”
“...and I told her that it was - wait. What? Who’s sleepwalking?”
Bond glanced down at his watch. “It’s three thirty-seven in the morning, Alec. You need to stay on the line and listen to this.”
“What?”
“Just...stay on the line. Can you do that?”
A huff. “Yeah, fine.”
Bond nodded. “Thanks. Good morning, Q.” The tiny smile playing at Bond’s lips morphed into a grin as he watched the scrawny man recoil and hiss at the tile floor when his bare feet touched it. Actually, honest to God hissed like a cat. He wanted to whisper at Alec to see if the man had heard, but he didn’t want to startle the woodland creature in his kitchen.
“Cold, James.” Q looked up at Bond with a hurt expression, as if the agent was personally responsible for the freezing stone tile.
James tried not to snort. There was a reason he was wearing socks.
“Well, invest in slippers.” He gestured to the phone on the counter. “006 is on the line, so if you hear another voice, it’s him. Just so that you are aware.” Not like you are actually aware...
Q blinked blearily at the counter and the phone. “Hello, 006. Good to have you here. Or...well, rather...on the phone. I hope Berlin went well.” He rubbed at his eyes. “Berlin is rather cold and bleary, and I want coffee.”
“Got some brewing right now.” James gestured at the coffee maker on the counter. “Are you awake?”
Q stared up at Bond. “That’s not a question I’m willing to answer without coffee. Which I could make, if you let me. All I need is coffee beans and a grinder.” He glanced down at the tablet. “Water. And heat. Heat would be good, or you just have cold water with coffee bean sand in it.” He plopped down on the floor in a heap of half-clothed hacker genius and prodded the touchscreen. “We could use a heating element, something from a...”
“Coffee maker?” Bond fought down a snort of laughter, which was more work than Alec wanted to put in, judging by the man’s chuckles at the proceedings. “We actually have a coffee maker. Something that can make coffee.”
“Something faster. I want fast. Fast coffee, fast WiFi, fast downloads...I should really look into your wireless connections around here, they are abysmally slow.” He flicked his fingers a couple more times at the screen and popped to his feet, setting the tablet on the counter and grabbing the glass carafe. “Ow, damn it. Hot, James!” He withdrew his hands and glared blearily at the agent once more.
“I told you I was making the coffee. It’s bound to be hot yet.”
Q transferred the glare to the coffee maker. “Abysmally slow.” He poked at the handle. “Not something I like. Slow is bad, fast is good.” He sank back down to the floor and hugged Bond’s leg. “Unless it’s sex with you. I like slow sex. Fast sex isn’t fun, unless it’s in my office. Slow sex in comfy beds is nice.”
Over the phone, Alec began to laugh hysterically, and even James wanted to break down into laughter. “Yes, it’s very nice.”
Q rubbed his face on Bond’s thigh muscle and hugged tighter. “You are such a good man, James. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.” He scooted away from Bond’s leg and reached for his tablet. “I’ve got a report to do before my shift, so I’d like that coffee now.”
Bond smiled down at the fae man at his feet. “Aren’t you cold?”
“Not really. The pyjamas actually help keep the cold from turning me into a turnip.”
“What?” Alec snorted, and James shot a look at the phone on the counter.
“Q, you aren’t going to turn into a turnip because it’s cold.”
Q shook his head, and finally snagged his tablet and started tapping away at it. “Turnips can be cold. Pumpkins, too. And carrots. Carrots are cold, especially in the salad bar at work. They keep that thing set on ‘frozen lettuce and iced peas’ too often. I don’t like it. I’m going to turn into a turnip at midnight, I think. It would be interesting to be a turnip.”
“Oh. My. Lord.” Alec muttered happily over the line. “I’m glad I’m staying up for this.”
“Me too.” James poured two cups of coffee, and added as much sugar as possible to his. Q’s he kept black. Q just kept on talking.
“I wouldn’t be expected to fix computers, because as far as I’m aware, turnips don’t have fingers to work keyboards or tablets, or even something as simple as a biro. I should genetically engineer a turnip that has fingers.”
“Oh, God no.” James shook his head. “That’s not a good idea.”
“It wouldn’t be smart, no, because then you have a turnip that has fingers and no idea what to do with them, which is basically half of Help Desk.” Q cocked his head. “I’ve hired a bunch of turnips with fingers, James. This is not a good thing.”
“No, it isn’t.” James took a sip of the much too hot coffee and winced.
Q smiled up at him. “You know what is a good thing, though? Peas that aren’t frozen. Fresh peas. Peas in a salad that isn’t full of ice and no turnips with fingers mucking around with electronics. And fast coffee, and slow sex in a bed with fluffy pillows and a down comforter. And flavoured lubricants.”
Bond had to swallow quickly before he spat coffee all over the poor sleeping man. Alec was dying on the other end of the phone. He set down his coffee and debated handing Q his.
“But besides the lubricants, I like cuddling. Cuddling things, mostly a particular thing. That thing is a Double Oh Seven.”
“Q. Would you like your coffee?”
“Oh!” Q looked up. “You made me coffee! You are adorable, and my favourite thing on this planet.” He reached both hands up, and James handed him the mug, making sure the younger man had it before he took his hands away. Q put the mug to his lips and took a long drink. “Oh, blessed nectar of the gods, this is brilliant. I have someone who makes me coffee in the morning, when I have work to do.” He set the mug to the side of him and started pecking away at the screen in his hands again. “Did you know that they demoted Pluto? It’s no longer a planet, and I am rather perturbed about that. I mean, who made the scale that said that Pluto could no longer be a planet? Who’s to say that it isn’t a planet anymore? Maybe it just said ‘Bugger all of you so called scientists’ and is still spinning happily along, being a planet.” Q turned the tablet towards Bond. “You see that? They even tried taking it away from children, but someone that makes placemats decided to go against the flow and still included Pluto on a solar system placemat. I will always think of Pluto as a planet. I was one of the protesters, by the way. I had a nice sign and everything. But it rained that day, and my sign melted.” Q paused and frowned. “Well, the lettering melted. A sign can’t actually melt, unless it has been set on fire and it’s plastic. Which it was. Plastic, I mean. Not set on fire. Though that would have been interesting.” Q flipped it back so he could see it. “I believe in Pluto.”
“James, I can’t breathe.” Alec chuckled, and faked a gasp for air. “This is too much.”
James only shook his head. “Q. Darling, lovely Q. You should go back to bed. It’s nearly four, and you have to be up at seven.”
Q blinked, and nodded. “I should, shouldn’t I? But there’s this report - “
“That you can tell M that you didn’t have all the materials to finish and you will finish it when you sign in for the day. Go. To. Sleep.”
“Oh, alright.” Q got up and gave James a peck on the lips, then waved at the phone. “Good night, Alec. Hopefully Berlin treated you well. It’s always cold and miserable there in the winter. Pack accordingly. Good night.” He padded back to the bedroom and shut the door behind him.
“I...can’t believe he was actually asleep. Were you two planning this?” Alec shuffled something near the phone.
“No. I couldn’t have planned that, and Q is not that great of an actor.” James tried to return his lips to their normal snarky quirk, but the wide grin would not leave. He sipped his coffee again and picked Q’s off of the floor. He picked up the tablet, and powered it down, then set it on the counter. “Fine, you can sleep on the couch, you mooch.”
“Oh, brilliant. Thank you, James. You are saving me from sleeping in my car.”
“Yeah, yeah. Just get over here. You still have the key you stole from me?”
A pause, then - “Uh, yeah. You...weren’t supposed to notice.”
“Try harder next time.” James left the kitchen light over the hob open and walked back to his bedroom, cracking the door open slightly to make sure Q was alright. The man had curled up on top of the covers, and he was almost snoring in the most adorable way. James sighed. “Yeah, I’ll be in the shower. If you see Q out of bed, steer him back in there. Do not engage him in a conversation about turnips.”
“I’ll remember. See you soon.” The beep over the line signalled the end of the call, and James shook his head once more at the sleeping hacker and shut the door again, and headed to the main bathroom.