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Michael is starting to realize he should have decided to drink literally anywhere besides the Wild Pony. Like maybe at home, by himself. Because he can’t move to stop overhearing this conversation and still finish his beer without being incredibly conspicuous.
“I thought we could catch up with Alex! Where is he?” Liz asks. She turns to Maria.
“I don’t know! He told me he couldn’t come, and I decided to mind my business.”
Liz snorts. “For once.”
“Hey!”
Maria pushes Liz’s shoulder, and Liz pushes her back.
“Should we be worried?” Liz asks. “If none of us know where he is, then maybe nobody does. I mean, it’s not like we can ask his family.”
“You don’t think something’s actually wrong?” Maria asks. “Alex specifically said he wouldn’t be here so he probably just had plans.”
“You’re probably right,” Liz says.
“You don’t think we should be worried?” Kyle asks, heavy with meaning.
“Are you sure he didn’t just not come because you’re here?” Maria retorts.
Michael, unwitting conversational observer, has to admit that he agrees with that. Though of course, regrettably, he also understands why Kyle has reason to be worried, and what he’s trying to say to Liz.
“It just makes me nervous to not know where people are, especially when there’s been a lot of trouble around here lately.” Liz, of course, means that alien things are going on, but can’t say that to Maria. And Michael suddenly realizes what the most logical reason for Maria to assume Liz would be worried about not knowing where someone she cares about has gone is.
“Oh Liz,” Maria says sympathetically. “I’ll text him. He won’t be surprised that I’m being nosy, and he always responds to me quickly.”
Michael hopes that’s the case, but he’s a little worried about the odds of this spiraling out of control. At least that’s the excuse he uses for sticking around, after they talk about some gossip Michael actually doesn’t care about for way too long.
“Nothing from Alex?” Kyle prompts, after a few minutes of Michael slow-rolling his beer instead of trying to slam it like he was previously. He just wants to make sure nothing goes off the rails. It’s weird that Valenti is the one most nervous, weirder still that Michael would agree with him, if he didn’t know better.
“He’s fine.”
Michael speaks before he realizes he’s going to, and then wants to slap himself. How is he supposed to answer their obvious follow-up questions?
“Eavesdropping, Guerin?” Maria asks.
“Having very loud conversations in public, DeLuca?” Michael jokes.
“How do you know he’s OK?” Kyle jumps in. “Do you know where he is?”
Michael sighs defeatedly. “Yeah, I know where he is. He’s fine, like you said, just had other plans.”
“Why’d he tell you and none of us?” Maria asks, accusatorily.
“Right place, right time?” Michael suggests. He doesn’t mention that the right place, right time was in his bed at seven in the morning. Hopefully they’ll just think they passed each other grabbing coffee on Alex’s way out, or something.
“That doesn’t explain why he isn’t answering,” Kyle points out.
“And we still don’t know where he actually is,” Maria adds.
“Somewhere he may not necessarily check his phone immediately,” Michael says. He knows there’s not really a reason to keep it secret, except that Alex told him and didn’t tell anyone else. If he’s honest, based on how good of friends they seem to be sometimes, it’s more likely that Alex took the lack of asking as a lack of interest and didn’t bother to tell them, but that it isn’t actually a secret. Still.
“You’re starting to sound pretty suspicious there,” Liz says, eyes narrowing. Michael doesn’t exactly want to think about why she may not trust him.
“I think Guerin is probably telling the truth,” Kyle says. Michael immediately shoots his gaze over, not trusting that one bit, except he seems pretty sincere.
“Don’t tell me you two are friends now,” Liz says.
“No,” Michael and Kyle say at the same time, then look away from each other.
“I, uh, just remembered Alex mentioning something when I ran into him.”
“So you know where he is?” Maria asks, suspicious.
Kyle stares at Michael for a long moment and Michael doesn’t break eye contact, not entirely sure what Kyle is looking for, until he seems to find it.
“Yes,” Kyle says. “We can worry about him if he doesn’t check in by tomorrow.” As he’s saying it, he’s looking at Michael like he’s waiting to be corrected, but Michael thinks that’s true enough.
“Right,” Maria says, still sounding doubtful. “Liz, are you OK?”
“Yeah, sorry. I just worry about people.” She’s staring Michael down, and he’s already been regretting jumping into their conversation. He didn’t need the extra awkwardness to remind him.
“You don’t have to apologize for caring,” Maria says kindly.
“Great, well, I’m going to leave,” Michael says awkwardly.
“I’ll follow you out,” Kyle says.
“You really shouldn’t do that.” Michael may appreciate that Kyle was worried about Alex, for whatever reason, and that he lied for him, but he still doesn’t trust himself not to get too angry if he has to speak to him alone.
“Oh!” Maria exclaims. “Alex texted back. He said he’s at a concert out of town. I didn’t know he still liked music like that.”
“Michael, couldn’t you have just told us that?” Liz asks. “Clearly it wasn’t a secret.”
Clearly it wasn’t something you guys would have talked about normally, Michael thinks. He knows better than to say it, when he’s already made himself so suspicious. But it’s weird that he’s the only one who knew until now, not only where Alex is tonight but even just what he’s interested in, places that he would be.
“I don’t share people’s business,” he says simply. It has the benefit of being true; Michael has never been a gossip even with what he overhears at the garage. Maybe it’s because he’s never cared that much about the lives of most of the people in Roswell, but still.
“We were just worried,” Maria insists.
“And it’s all fine now,” Michael points out. “See you around.”
He makes his exit fast enough that Kyle can’t follow him out, feeling a little stupid about getting involved at all.
“You could have told them where I was,” Alex says.
They’re in Michael’s trailer again, in the afterglow, because Michael is dumb and weak and will never turn Alex down no matter what else is going on, no matter how close Alex is to knowing all of his secrets.
“I couldn’t tell if it was a secret or not. I wish I’d known, though, because it was a hell of a time trying to get them to believe me without an explanation.” Michael is joking. Mostly.
“It was kind of a secret,” Alex admits. “Liz and Maria can be weird about things they don’t understand about people’s lives. I mean they both get being excited about music, but they don’t really go for the underground stuff. That was always Rosa.”
Michael’s eyes shoot up for a paranoid moment, as if Alex might be testing him to see if he has a reaction to the name. If he had been, Michael would have failed, but Alex isn’t even looking at his face, his eyes still on his own hand on Michael’s chest. Michael likes Alex’s fascination with it, likes feeling on the edge of being objectified.
“So why’d you tell them?”
“Well, it wasn’t worth making people worry about me. Or letting them be weird to you, when you tried to reassure them.”
He can’t explain it, but something about the way Alex tenses when he says it makes Michael think that maybe he was the real reason Alex responded so quickly and honestly, not just to convince them he was OK. He feels silly as soon as he thinks it, as if Alex is prioritizing his comfort over Maria and Liz.
“DeLuca mentioned me?”
“She was mad you knew something I didn’t know.” Alex smirks just slightly. “Then she felt bad that I was alone, said she would have gone with. I knew that, I guess, but I don’t want to be there with someone who will make me feel like I have to hold back, even if she doesn’t mean to.”
Michael realizes that he has been sucked up in the gossip mill of Roswell after all, at least how it relates to Alex. Here he is, talking about people’s personality flaws behind their backs.
“I would have gone,” Michael hears himself say, without conscious intention. “I mean, unless you think you have to hold back around me.”
This time, Alex looks up, directly into Michael’s eyes. The seriousness in his gaze is unsettling, but Michael still likes the attention all the same. There’s a searching quality in Alex’s eyes, and Michael can’t imagine what he’s looking for, but even if it’s something Michael has been hiding, he hopes Alex finds it.
“I hold back the least around you,” he says finally, looking back down. It’s not quite an answer, but Michael gets it.
“Yeah,” he says, feeling like he’s confessing more than he means to, “same.”
“You wouldn’t understand, Michael,” Isobel is saying. “Noah and I are married. It’s serious. And we may have this one, major secret between us, but we also have a life together. We’re a team. You don’t know what it’s like to consider someone else in all of your decisions.”
“And telling Liz didn’t exactly go well, either,” Max says. Michael knows he has his own issues with Max that make him more prone to hearing condescension in his tone, but this time he really hears it. It doesn’t help that Max and Isobel came to confront him at home, right at the end of his workday when they knew where he would be and that he’d be free.
“I don’t know why I’m getting shit for this,” Michael complains. “I didn’t tell Alex; he found out on his own.”
“But you told him everything after he found out,” Isobel says.
Michael can’t deny that.
“I don’t want to keep any secrets from him.”
“After how badly Liz reacted, you want to tell someone in the military?” Isobel protests.
“Considering Liz is an overly curious biologist, I don’t think I did anything worse than Max.”
“You’re both stupid men,” Isobel agrees. “Not everyone can be a powerful woman who keeps a huge secret from the love of her life while living with him.”
“You guys keep forgetting that I didn’t tell anyone any secrets,” Michael points out, annoyed. “I even kept all the secrets you couldn’t tell each other. And now you’re teaming up on me?”
That’s typical, now that he thinks about it. Michael does his best to keep the peace, and ends up taking the brunt of everyone’s anger in the end.
“Isobel kept this from her husband, and I only told the love of my life because she died. You told everything to the guy you hooked up with in high school.”
“Oh,” Isobel says sadly. “Max, I thought you said you knew about them.”
“I did?” Max says, confused.
Isobel turns to Michael, who wants to avoid her eyes but doesn’t, sighing at the fact that he’s going to have to explain this again.
“When you were telling me I would feel as bad if you sent Alex away, I thought that meant you knew how I felt about him,” Michael says.
“I meant because you liked him in high school, like I liked Liz, back then. Not now.”
Michael honestly can’t even believe how wrong Max can be about this. He’d thought Max was the only one who knew, but it turned out he was just assuming that what Michael and Alex had was still somehow less than what Max had with Liz.
“Max, no,” Isobel is saying, softly, trying to give him a chance to backtrack before Michael jumps in, but Michael isn’t inclined to do the same.
“You’re right that it’s not the same as you and Liz. Because Alex and I were actually together in high school. And the whole summer after. And every time he came back on breaks. We were never official, but I loved him. I love him.” His voice betrays him, unsteady on the last declaration.
“You make it sound like you’re some kind of military wife,” Max says, sounding half-joking.
“Gross,” Michael says petulantly, even though the truth is, it’s exactly how he feels sometimes.
“I was feeling so bad before, that Max had noticed and I missed it,” Isobel says thoughtfully. “But apparently, Max somehow managed to notice you guys, but miss the more obvious part.”
“Hey!” Max says. “You didn’t know at all until Michael told you.”
Isobel laughs, and elbows Max, and suddenly Michael is back on the outside again. Used by both of them to keep secrets from their “person,” singular, meaning each other and not him. Just there to keep them sane and not alone in their struggles, instead, dragging him down with them.
The worst part is Michael can’t blame them, because they spent their childhood looking for him and when they found him, they did everything they could to bring him in, and he pushed them away until this was all that he could be for them. Their second choice–third, maybe, with Noah and Liz in the picture. Can he say they’re more important to him than Alex? It’s an impossible choice, so it’s unfair of him to feel so hurt by this.
“My thing with Alex isn’t for you to argue about who’s paying more attention to me, or to win an argument about how bad it was for us to send Liz away, or to say that I’m worse at keeping secrets because I told him about me, and you guys don’t think we’re serious enough. It’s important to me, some of the best and worst parts of my life, and you’re just trivializing it. Fuck. I’ve gotta go.”
And he leaves his own home to drive to who knows where, hoping to go somewhere Max and Isobel won’t find him.
Of course, Michael is still dumb, and still weak, and thinking about Alex Manes, and he’s lived in Roswell for too long, driven everywhere, and can’t really help knowing where the old Valenti hunting cabin is, that Alex now calls home. Or at least home base.
Alex answers the door with a crutch, and his prosthetic leg removed.
“Guerin,” he greets. Michael notices a lack of surprise in his tone, figures he was probably on a security camera so Alex had some warning, but still thinks Alex should be a little more shocked to see him.
“Manes,” he responds, automatically. “You didn’t have to–” What, he didn’t have to get up, come to the door? Of course he did, or Michael couldn’t come in.
Alex steps aside to let him in, though, without calling him on it. He sits on the couch, setting two beers on coasters on the coffee table in front of the two seats, so Michael figures that’s his sign, and joins him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Alex asks. There’s irony in his tone, like he doesn’t actually expect Michael to want to do that, but there’s an openness to his posture and expression that gives Michael the impression that he actually can talk about it, if he wants to.
It gives Michael pause. The way that he and Alex know each other is weird and unconventional, two people who gave each other almost everything when they were too young, and learned about each other as adults in the dark hours of clandestine reunions. But they have, despite everything, still managed to be there for each other. Michael can’t trust Alex to always be around physically, and he can’t trust him to commit, not to break his heart over and over again. He can’t even trust him not to lie, if he thinks it’s important enough.
But he can trust Alex with his secrets, from everything alien to his embarrassing feelings of inadequacy, to his weird sexual interests–if he had them, which he isn’t saying he does.
“Isobel and Max pissed me off,” he admits.
Alex gives a small smile, like he’s trying to fight it.
“What?” Michael asks, not even mad he’s being laughed at, if Alex is going to be light like that.
“I could tell it was them because of the type of angry you were,” Alex explains.
“Fuck off!” Michael snorts. He wants to hide his face so Alex can’t keep reading it.
“What’d they say?” Alex asks. “If you want to tell me.”
Somehow Michael hadn’t considered this possibility. He thought they’d maybe have some small talk and then have sex, if he was really lucky. He didn’t even consider the possibility that he might have to decide if he would tell Alex about the conversation he had with Max and Isobel, about Alex. His face heats up. As if he hadn’t been obvious enough already.
“Oh,” Alex says teasingly. “Something embarrassing?”
“Stop reading me,” Michael groans. He knows there’s no force behind his words.
“You’re not being subtle.” Alex’s smile is back, and Michael would still endure a lot for it.
“I’m not really known for subtlety,” Michael reminds him. “But I think you’re biased because you know me too well.”
“Do I know you too well?” Alex asks softly.
Michael shakes his head. “Just too well for me to keep secrets. I mean, besides the big one.”
Alex laughs. “Sure, aside from being an alien. Just that one little detail.”
“Exactly.” Michael knows, then, that he could take the out and not get into it. Instead, he takes a deep breath.
“Isobel and Max are mad at me for telling you everything.”
“But I found out on my own,” Alex protests.
“Believe me, I mentioned that. Isobel said she and Noah are so serious and she never told him, and Max said he only told Liz because he saved her life, which he did because he loves her. It was like…”
“Like what?” Alex prompts, when Michael waits long enough. He’s listening intently, turned fully towards Michael and not fidgeting or distracted.
“Like they don’t think what we have is enough to justify me trusting you. Max… has known about us for a long time, apparently, but he still didn’t think–” Michael gets choked up, unexpectedly, knowing that he has dramatically shifted the playful mood they had going.
Alex shifts closer to him on the sofa. It’s pretty pathetic how much strength that gives Michael to keep speaking, to say something that might make Alex want to go right back to the other side. But Michael doesn’t think he will, suddenly.
“He didn’t think I loved you. I thought he must know, the way that he said he knew about us. But even Isobel was acting like I shouldn’t have told you, and she knew.”
“What’d she know?” Alex asks, voice shaky. Michael is feeling more optimistic now that Alex hasn’t immediately run away, his resolve strengthened.
“I told her I loved you back then. And… that I still love you now, and I always will.”
A tear slips free of Alex’s eye and Michael watches, fascinated, not used to seeing Alex so outwardly emotional.
“I love you, too,” Alex says. Michael’s heart soars.
“Oh,” Michael says dumbly. What are they supposed to do about it now? Alex doesn’t make a move, either.
“Why is this awkward?” Alex laughs.
“Usually we just have sex and the feelings are implied,” Michael suggests.
“I mean, yeah, but you don’t have to say it.” The fondness in Alex’s gaze sends Michael right back to that summer, when they weren’t as afraid of how they felt. The summer was doomed, and they both knew their own reasons for it, but they still let themselves love anyway, even though they were too young to be honest.
“I’m not good at keeping my mouth shut.”
Alex is close enough to Michael to shift his weight just right and straddle Michael on the couch, one knee on each side of his hips.
“Is this the type of ‘I love you’ where you want to do something about it, or were you just letting me know?”
As if Michael can think with Alex this close to him.
“I didn’t really have a plan,” he says honestly. “But of course I want to be with you. It just seems like you only want that half the time. If that.”
Reflexively, his hands are holding Alex’s hips steady over him. It feels natural, the same way as Alex’s hands moving through his hair.
“That’s fair,” Alex says, voice pained. “But if I say now that I’m serious, can you believe me?”
Maybe it’s the warmth of Alex under his hands, and maybe it’s his own lack of sanity, but Michael only has one answer to that.
“Yes,” he says, right before Alex covers his lips with his own.
Caulfield was a tragedy beyond Michael’s worst expectations, something he wouldn’t have been able to deal with if he and Alex hadn’t been so solid. Something he wouldn’t have survived without Alex, in all honesty. But they could all admit that more planning could have saved them.
It’s that logic that has brought Alex, Liz, Kyle, Max, Isobel, and Michael together for next steps.
“So Alex can hack them, and then sneak in when security is the weakest, grab the info, and get out without anyone noticing.”
“That’s too risky,” Michael protests.
“I know what I’m doing,” Alex dismisses.
“I know you know what you’re doing,” Michael says, trying to maintain control of his voice. “But someone else should go in. I could go in with Max for backup.”
“I’m fine with that,” Max adds. Michael and Alex haven’t told anyone else that they’re together for real this time, too afraid of exposing something so fragile to the rest of the world, even though Max and Isobel know a little about them. It’s very generous, and characteristically self-sacrificing, then, that Max is still offering to put himself in danger because Michael wants Alex safe.
“The plan is the least risky overall if I go alone,” Alex argues. There’s resignation there, like maybe he doesn’t even want to do it, is just being utilitarian. Or Michael is projecting.
“I don’t want to see Alex in danger, either,” Liz says, looking between everyone and seeming a little confused, “but it’s true that he has the best chance of getting the information the fastest, and therefore getting out of there unnoticed. And he could talk his way out better if he was caught.”
“Well Max and I have the best chance of killing someone with our brains if they find what we’re doing, and that’s a lot safer than words.”
“I mean, not to brag, but I can also kill people,” Alex says, missing levity by about a mile.
“Alex,” Michael says quietly. Desperately.
“Nobody else can get the information as fast as I can. I have to go.” There’s insistence in his tone, but Michael thinks that looking deep enough, he can see a bit of fear.
“Then I’ll go with you,” Michael says. “You shouldn’t be in there alone.”
“I can still come, too,” Max says, looking worriedly at Michael, protective instincts out as always.
“One person would be best,” Alex says. “We can do two if we have to, but three is just asking to get caught.”
“Max,” Michael says, “trust me. I’ll be fine.”
At Caulfield, the problem wasn’t an inability to force a person to cooperate. Even Flint turned out to not be the real danger. In this case, if all they had to do was to force compliance… well, Michael wouldn’t want to, but he could.
“Great,” Alex says, as if it’s actually decided. “I guess it’s you and me, Guerin.”
Kyle looks at him suspiciously, and Michael remembers Alex implying that he may have figured something out. He’s pretty sure Kyle, like Max and Isobel, he only has the vaguest hints.
Michael can’t think about anything except how much he wishes Alex were saying that under completely different circumstances.
Nothing goes wrong. Miraculously, nothing goes wrong. Michael can’t overstate his relief. They can’t celebrate until they meet back at Max’s, after having driven around a while out of paranoia, but the second they’ve parked, Alex is out of the car, walking around to Michael’s side, and stepping into his arms.
The tight hug makes him want to go boneless, but they both just lean into a little, supporting each other. Michael hears the door open behind him, and doesn’t even look behind to see who it is.
“Oh,” he hears, feminine and surprised. Probably Liz, because Isobel would be much more inclined to–and yeah, there’s the wolf whistle.
“We’re just hugging,” Michael says, rolling his eyes.
“Yeah, and that’s your own fault,” Isobel says. She takes the packet from Alex’s hand and passes it over to Liz. “You guys pulled it off! You can celebrate.”
Michael pulls away to make eye contact with Alex, who is raising his eyebrow. Michael tilts his head. He’s down if Alex is. Alex puts a hand on his face and leans in to kiss him, surprisingly deeply considering their audience. Michael feels a bit weaker in the knees.
“Should we go?” Michael asks quietly, when he pulls back.
“Let’s go,” Alex agrees. And they get right back in the car.
“Did Alex make you listen to his emo music in high school?” Liz teases Michael. It’s unusual for people to be so open and fun about Michael and Alex, still unused to their relationship and afraid to say the wrong thing. To be fair, Michael and Alex are still not used to it being public.
“Not any more than he made me listen to classic rock,” Alex says, rolling his eyes.
“Not country music?” Isobel teases.
Alex looks up at Michael, where he’s standing next to Alex’s seat at the bar. “He’s not that kind of cowboy.”
Behind the bar, though it’s still closed to the public, Maria is shaking her head. “I can’t believe Michael Guerin was Museum Guy all along. And you kept up with him until now! Alex! How’d you keep that all inside?”
“Well, there was a lot going on back then,” Michael has to say, awkwardly. He doesn’t want to kill the mood, but he’s worried about what could happen if this line of thinking isn’t cut off early. Michael flexes his hand, healed against his wishes by Max, though he isn’t all that mad about it, honestly. The risk is still there, and Max was kind of a dick when he healed him, but playing guitar with Alex, touching him without pain–he just wishes he’d been the one to choose it.
“We didn’t even know what Alex was going through back then,” Maria says. “I mean, not really.”
Michael doesn’t say anything. He did know, maybe not everything, but he had a pretty good idea.
“Michael knew,” Alex says quietly. Michael appreciates it–he still feels like their relationship isn’t always taken seriously, which Alex knows, enough that he’s willing to air so much of their private history.
“Did you know what Michael was going through back then?” Max accuses, like maybe he thinks Alex wasn’t there for Michael like Michael was for Alex. Maybe because Michael told him the truth about his hand.
“Besides the obvious,” Michael says quietly. “Alex saved me, back then.” It’s the least he can do, to make sure their friends don’t see their relationship as unequal. He knows Alex likes some amount of privacy, but he still looks content with the course of the conversation, even a little emotional. Michael puts his arm around him, and Alex leans into it for a moment.
“Still so weird I never knew,” Maria says quietly, like she’s wondering to herself more than accusing anyone. Michael feels a little bad; everyone else here has known about them longer because they’ve spent so much emotional time together dealing with alien drama.
“We still can’t tell everyone,” Alex says. Michael is proud of their skill as the buzzkill couple, not letting anyone enjoy the scandalous gossip of a ten year messy relationship, because they have to keep thinking about what kept them apart, because some of it is still around.
“No,” Maria agrees. “But you can relax here, for now.”
Michael turns to Alex. “DeLuca just wants to watch us kiss.” Alex snorts.
“Everyone else has seen it,” Max says, rolling his eyes. Michael tries his best to give him a “what the fuck” look, because they’re not trying to draw attention to the fact that they’re all hanging out without Maria. Well, they’re not really hanging out, in that sense, but they’re doing a really good job of making it seem like they are.
Alex still kisses him, though, and Maria still cheers. They move to a booth so they can both sit closer to each other, clingy in the newness of their renewed relationship, the public side of things. They can still hear the rest of the party, though.
“I never thought I’d see Alex that relaxed with someone,” Maria says.
To be fair, Alex is fully leaning into Michael again, tipsy but still stealing sips of his beer. Michael lets him since he’s not driving anyway, and also since he likes where Alex’s hand is on his thigh. It’s also nice to hear from people who know Alex, differently from how he does, that they’re good together.
When they get back to Alex’s, Michael is fully willing to drop him off and let him sleep it off, but Alex drags him inside and Michael isn’t protesting that, either. He’s pulled into Alex’s bed, and Alex kisses him deeply enough that Michael is worried he’s going to have to push him off and tell him he had too much to drink, but instead, Alex’s tiredness kicks in, and he falls asleep draped all over Michael. Michael laughs softly to himself. He was brought all the way here just to be used as a pillow. Not that he’s complaining.
“I’m sorry we can’t be more public,” Alex says one day after dinner. Michael has just finished cleaning up and dropped down onto the couch next to him.
“I get it,” Michael says. “It’s Roswell. A lot of people would be judging us.”
Alex looks at him funny. “Yes. But I’ve been out. People already judge me.”
“So why–” and Michael stops. He flexes his left hand, and Alex watches the movement.
“Yeah. If my dad wasn’t around, we could go make out on Main Street in front of every member of the Long family, and Kyle like he was 10 years ago, and whatever other homophobes you can imagine.”
“Oh. So it’s not that you don’t want to be seen with me?”
“No!” Alex looks horrified. “I mean, I don’t want my dad to see me with you, because he wants to kidnap or kill you, but it’s not–OK, maybe I’m still a little nervous about PDA. Maybe we could just hold hands on a side street.”
Michael huffs. “We don’t have to do anything anywhere until you’re ready. The important people know.”
“Yeah,” Alex laughs. “They never let me forget it.”
Michael’s stomach sinks. “Is it bothering you?”
“No! No. It’s nice to feel like I just have friends teasing me normally. Well, mostly normally. I do think they’re a little extra focused on the gay love thing. I mean, gay and bisexual love.”
“I know what you mean.” Michael stops him from spiraling. “Isobel is kind of the same, and Max is just so awkward about it. He said he thought I was gay, like he’d fully forgotten about bisexuality, and he still doesn’t know how to talk to me about you. It’s kind of funny, him trying to prove he’s cool with the gay.”
“I’m not sure if I want to imagine Max Evans trying to prove he’s not a homophobe,” Alex muses.
“You’ll see it soon enough.” It’s a threat and a promise.
“When we know my dad isn’t a threat anymore, we can work on being more out, if you want to.” Alex grabs his hand and squeezes, emphasizing his words and sincerity.
“You know me,” Michael says. “I’d put it all out there now, and let your dad come at us if you wanted to. But now that I know that you’re that worried about him, I could never want that for you.”
“I’m worried about you,” Alex insists. “I’ve always been–” he stops himself.
“You’ve always been worried about me,” Michael breathes. “You asshole, I thought you just didn’t want me.” His voice breaks humiliatingly.
“I know,” Alex says quietly. “I knew you’d think that. I knew if you figured out I was trying to protect you, you’d stop me from leaving. I hurt you on purpose to keep you safe.”
Michael probably should have figured that out, given the context. After finding out that Alex has always loved him, he should have investigated why someone who felt like that about him would have pushed him away so much. But considering he felt the same way and did the same things when he was stressed out about Isobel and Max, and his life falling apart, he just assumed it was along the same lines.
“That fucking sucks,” he says bluntly.
Alex gives a startled laugh, then covers his mouth like he thinks Michael is going to be mad.
“I guess I can’t tell you that’s not what I wanted, when you did it like that because you knew it wasn’t what I wanted.”
“I’m sorry,” Alex says. “I do wish I had thought of a way to keep you safe that didn’t hurt you.”
“Next time, maybe you’ll talk to me, and we’ll figure that out together.” He gestures between the two of them with their still linked hands.
“I don’t like that you’re expecting a next time, but you’re probably right that it will happen. And… I can promise to try.” Alex looks almost sheepish.
“Wow,” Michael says sarcastically. “Don’t over-promise.”
“You have to know now that I’ll always prioritize your safety over anything,” Alex says seriously. “I can promise to try much harder to find better ways to do that, and to be honest with you about them, but I can’t promise not to lie to you if it would keep you safe.”
Michael lets that wash over him. He’s gotten incredibly tired of secrets and being lied to recently, and doesn’t want to have that feeling continue. At the same time, something very deep in him, that he’s spent his adulthood denying, is lighting up at the thought of someone wanting this badly to keep him safe, to take care of him. The same butterflies that showed up when Alex offered him the shed all those years ago. He’s pretty much gotten used to looking out for himself, but he’s never really liked it. It’s just that he could never really trust anyone else to be that for him, except Alex, back then. And now, he’s being offered the chance to do it again, to know where he stands and to risk having to forgive Alex yet again for choosing his safety over his feelings–and having to trust Alex to weigh those options.
“In a way… I guess you are being honest about it, by telling me now.”
“Michael, you don’t have to say that or talk yourself into it.”
“I’m not,” Michael says, realizing it’s true as he says it. “I hope you’re serious about trying everything else first before lying to me, but I’m embarrassingly happy to know how much you want to take care of me.”
“I do,” Alex agrees. “I really do. And I promise to try everything else I can think of before hiding things from you. If that’s really enough…”
“More than,” Michael promises.
He looks at the relief apparent in Alex’s eyes and wonders how much he’d been worried about this conversation. Michael didn’t know to worry about it, but there was a lingering uncertainty about their undiscussed past that he feels better about now, too.
“Then…” Alex starts nervously, and Michael turns to try to figure out what he’s struggling with. “Do you want me to prove it, and take care of you now?”
Michael groans. “Your lines are awful.” He shoves Alex down on the couch and climbs on top of him.
Alex grins up at him like this is exactly what he wanted. “What does it say about you that they keep working on you?”
“I’m weak to a pretty face?” he suggests, then leans down to kiss Alex on the cheek.
One of Alex’s hands comes up to the side of Michael’s face, thumb rubbing softly under his eye. “We have that in common.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere,” Michael says, shy even though he was the one to start it. He wants them to work out more than anything, can’t stop thinking about how it’s exactly the same thing he wanted that summer after high school, and he’s getting another chance.
“This is exactly where I want to be,” Alex replies.