Chapter Text
"Uzi."
Ugh, stupid presentation.
"Hey, guys. Something something I don't know watch my presentation. " The teacher was not happy with her lack of enthusiasm for this but whatever, the sooner you can go back to not being gawked at by these morons the better.
The projector started displaying her presentation, which was really just an mp4 of her talking in her room.
"As we all surely know at this point, there are vampires in this area. You know about them, and you despise them because they're 2 metre tall monsters which kill random people at night."
Uzi fidgeted with her railgun on video, with the bandage on her head already showing what the result of this stunt would be.
"But, I believe I have come up with a solution, called THIS!" Uzi did an ""epic"" motion with her railgun as if to try to intimidate the air.
"This thingymajig is a railgun, well technically taser but RAILGUN! IT SHOOTS ELECTRIC WIRES WITH SPIKES TO KILL A VAMPIRE BABY! Unfortunately it's untested but shh." Uzi's railgun had a light which suddenly changed from green to red.
"It also has a flashbang which wait why is it-"
Uzi's railgun's flashbang promptly went off extremely close to her face, giving her some light burns which could have been worse as this light and heat was going off in all direction instead of just Uzi's head.
End of recording.
"Uzi, the homework was about the biology of watermelons."
"BITE ME!"
"No."
"Well, you're getting a zero because you didn't even do any biology."
"I BUILT A RAILGUN, HOW AM I NOT GETTING POINTS FOR THAT!"
"Sorry Uzi, but the rule of cool does not work in school."
Uzi frowned, but atleast she could go back to sitting and not giving a shit.
"Darren."
"Okay! Watermelon Reproduction 101."
Uzi was so bored by that introduction she zoned out.
And zoned back in at the end of class, when they were told to walk out.
After the teacher finally allowed them to get out of this god forsaken class, she overheard 2 kids from her class named Doll and Lizzy, who had seemingly noticed her bandage from the flashbang incident.
"Ew, it didn't kill her!" Wise words from Lizzy, very wise indeed, not like Lizzy is smart enough to understand sarcasm.
Doll responded in russian, which Uzi didn't understand, but her tone was mocking and rude, followed by another kid who was not a piece of shit.
"That alpha male bootcamp is not a good idea Chad!"
That was Thad, the only person in the school who had both less than 30 years of age, and their head outside their asshole.
"Woah Uzi what happened?" If it was anyone else, a Did someone finally beat the shit out of you? would be attached but Thad was possibly the only kid here with more than 3 thoughts per day.
"I flashbanged myself while showing off my SICK AS HELL RAILGUN!!! what happened to you, testosterone too hard?" her response was about as bland as the lunch menu, but atleast not as poisonous as the lunches themselves.
"THAT CAN HAPPEN?! Hell yeah!" No comment.
"Anyway, imma go off to uhh... kill a vampire today, I could really use less time around Lizzy."
"Awesome!"
...30 Minutes Later...
Winter is pretty cold over hereinGreat Britain.
The snow was crunching under her leather boots, the feeling that she shouldturnbackcrushingher,tothepoint that she had ahardtimebreathing.
She couldn't.
As much as she didn't want to do this sincethiscouldbeherlastdayalive, the people shemightsavewereenoughto make her do it.
She hated how she felt everytime she saw the news talking about ...
No need to dwell over horrifying shit the news channel talked about.
She didn't want to do that, and maybe there were few enough Vampires that killing 1 would scare off the others.
Hopefully.
Honestly, there was so little to calm her mind during this hour long trip.
Just how scared she was that this was her last day.
But imagine how famous she could be!
Ohh the fame of killing a VAMPIRE!
Or something like that.
...
...
And somehow before she knew it, she was near the forest where she could absolutely find a Vampire.
Well, here goes everything.
"HEY IDIOT VAMPIRES!!!!"
Uzi quickly looked around her.
Left nothing.
Right nothing.
Up nothing.
Back nothing.
Front nothing.
She waited with baited breath, maybe they were stalling.
1 minute.
Nothing happened.
They probably didn't hear her.
alrightalright
suicide2take2stopbeingnervousyoush-shouldliveiguess
"VAMPIRES ARE FAT AND STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Left nothing.
Right nothing.
OW
OW
Owp
o3owowo3woowooooowwwwwwwwowwwwnooowowowowow
fuck her back
use the gun dont lock up stupid musclees
fuck fuck fukc
pull it out
it hurts so bad.
she punched it in the facr in thopes it leavesheralone enough to kill it .
"ACK!"
aim
shoot
the gun glew
and before she knew it
the vampire was paralyzed
she pulled out a baseball bat from her backpack oww oww
it hurts hurts no time to waste
she aimed the bat towards its head as she shaked violently unable to concentrate on anything
she swung
and again
and again
and again
its head cam off yoooootoooo
sheh killed a vampireeeereee
and also hre fukcing back
why did it hurt so much aghh
she looks dont own down down one last time and she sees its head regrow
fuck
she beats it with her gun as if that would do anything
"Did you just slap me with that gun?" it said laughing but not in an insane maniac way but an uncomfortable giggle like if he got stung in the back with venom or some shit totally hypothetically
"Holy crap it can talk- Hello!" why did she vocalise that thought
"Yeah, it's just that my head kinda hurts. Like I have a KILLER migraine, wait sorry, are you new to our squad?" whatt
"You're a little... short for a Vampire." whaat is iit talking about.
"Anyway, hello! My name is N, I'm kinda the leader of the squad around here and everyone keeps telling me how worthless stupid and insignificant I am and they treat me like trash. BISCUITS! Well honestly is the best policy."
"I also can't remember the last 5 hours of my life, but eh whatever."
uzi grabbed at her back, still feeling the throvving pain in herer backk ow ow owwww
why was her bqcsticking to heer clothes
"Stuck yourself? Our saliva helps neutralise the venom, otherwise I'd be a soup by now."
"is therere anyy way to neutrakiae i mean neutralise it that isnt fuqinh saliva?"
"No!"
"ugh fine then letsss gooh to tht pub ovr there because im nevr gonna hear the end of if othewise"
"Sure, I love doing anything!" how did he fall for that so effortlessly
...One Weird Licking Scene That I'm NOT Describing Later... [author's note: why is this in the canon liam vickers???????]
"We are NEVER talking about that again."
"Talking about what? Consider it REPRESSED!!" God how did this vampire monster thing manage to sound so cringy.
"You mentioned a squad, are there any others?" Uzi was hoping that the anwser was no, despite her know that there infact are others.
"Yeah 2 others, They're out hunting for a bit but you'll love them! First is V, she's a bit more on the violent side. I remember when she fed a guy his own organs. It was scary but also kinda cool!" Off to a WONDERFUL start because of course his murder buddies are even more fucked up than him.
"I kinda have a crush on her but she doesn't like me very much and WOAH YOU CAN'T TELL HER ALRIGHT!" Ooh blackmail. (Stop getting distracted this is life or death)
May be useful if he ever tries to tell any other vampire about her.
"And also there's J the actual squad leader, she's kinda cool but pretty mean, my knee still hurts after she caned me there yesterday, and she tells me that I'm a waste of space who's better off dead, but she wants the best for me." Well, this comment was horribly offputting. Is he being abused? If so then Uzi might have a way to turn him again his fellow monsters.
"Ok and, why do you- I mean we do this murder stuff? There are less evil ways to get blood. Like robbing a morgue." Planting more seeds of doubt, nothing more to say.
"Mostly cause J tells me I have to do it, and she's better than me! Ha ha... ha ha." Confidence amirite?
"The person who beat you with a cane multiple times and bullies you?" Break their group apart, since you failed to kill him you might aswell destroy the vampires trust in eachother.
"It's not bullying, it's criticism!" No comment to be added here.
"N I have bullies less comically evil, had, colon three." She did not just say COLON THREE in front of a vampire while in a life or death situation.
"What?"
"This J person regularly beats you for... something I don't know about, but likely you trying to be a better person/vampire than her. Does that sound like someone who you should take orders from?" Just make those monsters hate each other while you have the chance. Easier to stop 1 than 3.
"Uhh... quick deflection! What's your name?" Really? Saying quick deflection?
"Uzi Doorman, You're uhh..." At that moment, Uzi realized it might now be able to find where she lives on by using the internet. Very smart horror protagonist of you Uzi.
"N!" She thought he'd be more offended, considering he's a murder monster.
"Nice to meet ya N!" Please let him forget me and my name. Please.
"Oh! V and J are coming back! Gonna introduce you to them! Be right back!" N flew off like he hadn't casually told her she was about to die.
No time to not run for the hills, or the bus.
She ran and ran and actually it was like a minute of running and some jaywalking to get to the bus stop, with the bus coming up 30 seconds later, with her getting to see the monsters flying back right outside the window.
Well, this was a failure.
Atleast she's alive, atleast until all fashion no brains hears about this and makes fun of her to death or something.