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Jaebum is going to do this.
Jaebum is going to man up, talk to Jackson about his feelings, accept rejection if it comes (and he believes it will), then maybe move on with his life.
Jaebum is going to do it. He is.
If only Jackson would let him.
You see, after getting scolded by Jinyoung, Jaebum couldn't find the right opportunity to speak to Jackson. Everytime he tried to have Jackson all to himself, some inconvenience happened.
The first time, Jackson had been so spent that Jaebum couldn't find it in himself to tire him even more. The second time, when Jaebum went to Jackson's and Mark's room, he had asked Mark to leave him and Jackson alone, only for Jackson to act defensive and grab Mark by the arm. He had looked on the verge of begging Mark to stay, so Jaebum took it as his cue to leave. The third time, Jackson blatantly refused Jaebum's request to talk and had done everything to bluff his way out of the conversation.
So as a conclusion: Jaebum had been trying. It's just that Jackson doesn't want to listen.
It's driving Jaebum nuts.
Jackson's been driving him nuts.
They've just finished their fan meeting and they're all exhausted. It went well at least and Jaebum is glad. The fans and the boys all had a great time and this is all that matters.
What isn't great though, is the way Jackson's been acting.
You See, It's not that Jaebum cares about others' attention anyway. He does what he does and people seem to get drawn to him naturally. He's not like Jackson.
Although it hurts like hell when Jackson ignores him.
The thing is that Jaebum has been trying to learn the way Jackson thinks because he wants to understand him. He learned that Jackson touches people to make them comfortable with him and trust him, because he's the type of person that likes to leave a good impression.
He learned that Jackson's love towards people is mostly shown with words rather than actions, because words to Jackson are wider and deeper than sea water, and he can express what he feels in four different ways even if he stumbles. Jaebum also learned that Jackson doesn't like it when people ignore his words, because words to Jackson are essential for he means each one that leaves his mouth.
Jaebum could never state all the things he's learned about Jackson because there are too many, but he tries to show to Jackson each time. He shows him by listening to him and giving him the attention and praise that Jackson seeks, and Jaebum doesn't want anything in return.
Jaebum never asked Jackson for anything.
He never said: "Jackson stop touching Mark too much it makes me want to crawl out of my skin." Or "Jackson I wish you'd pay more attention to me but I can't tell you because it'd make me sound greedy."
Jaebum has all his overflowing emotions under control, really. He just wishes that Jackson wouldn't ignore him because that's just too cruel and too hard to bear.
"Can we talk? Or do I need to make an appointment with your manager because you're too busy?" He is angry at Jackson for ignoring him, at Jinyoung for giving him false hope and he is mostly angry at himself because he'd let his guards down and became unprofessional.
Falling for your friend is idiotic and unprofessional.
Jackson falters on his steps and turns to look at Jaebum. He looks astonished and Jaebum understands why. He never used this tone on him but if it is what it takes for Jackson to listen to him, then he'll step on his heart and use it.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"I did. I just don't get why you're so angry?"Jackson laughs nervously.
"I have been trying to talk to you for the past few days and every time you make up an excuse. You've been ignoring me all day and now you're asking why I'm angry?!" Jaebum is practically shouting at this point and Jackson flinches. He looks hurt and Jaebum hates that. He never wanted this but he feels like he has the right to be angry.
He's being holding it all in for too long and it's frustrating him.
Jaebum slams his fist against the wall and Jackson's body tenses and his stare hardens.
"Come talk to me once you've calmed down." His tone is serious and Jaebum has completely and officially screwed it up.
Jackson turns around and starts walking away from Jaebum and Jaebum can not let that happen.
He could never let it happen.
He grabs Jackson with both arms, pulls him to his chest and hugs him from behind.
He's so tense. Jackson has never been tense in Jaebum's arms. He's always pliant and gives in easily but now he's tense and it's all Jaebum's fault.
"Let go." An order. A command.
"No." A prayer.
"I said let go." A warning.
"I won't. I can't." A promise. A confession.
He breathes in the smell of him, of Jackson. Sweat and soap. Home and comfort. He breathes in and breathes out and feels the shudder that runs through Jackson's body when his breath touches Jackson's neck.
"Just let go." A plea. "I won't walk away."
And even though it physically pains him, Jaebum does as Jackson asked.
He doesn't take a step back, so when Jackson turns to look at him, Jaebum can closely read every emotion written on his face.
It's overwhelming. It's heartbreaking and it's beautiful.
"I'm sorry." He brings their foreheads together, one hand on Jackson's neck, the other going for his hand to link their fingers together. "I'll never raise my voice at you ever again. It's just-"
He needs to get it out of his chest. "I can take everything from you. I can take even nothing. But I can't fucking stand you giving me the cold shoulder. I'm sorry."
They're not even looking at each other. Jackson is looking at the ground and Jaebum has his eyes closed, yet it feels like he's baring his soul to Jackson who, in return, feels exposed.
"I'm sorry too. I've been avoiding you, I admit it."
"Oh yeah?" It comes out sad rather than teasing.
Jackson sighes and continues. " Jinyoung has been planting these ideas into my mind lately so every time you look at me, my mind starts analysing everything on its own and-"
"How do I look at you?" Jaebum interrupts.
"Shit I don't know! As I said it's all Jinyoung's fault and mine too if I'm being honest. I'm sorry."
Jackson hates being frustrated and stressed out because it is then his control wavers and his guards weaken.
Jaebum knows that about him, which is why he can't not take advantage of it.
"Jackson you still haven't answered my question. How do I look at you?" He starts caressing Jackson's cheekbones and watches as redness starts to tint them while his whole face grows hot.
"You look at me as if I'm some sort of a wonder. Ah this sounds so stupid I will kill Jin-" But before he could finish, Jaebum closes the distance that seperated them all this time, and brings their mouths together for the first time.
Jaebum kisses Jackson and Jackson falls apart.
Beautifully.
The kiss in itself is simple yet intense. It is tender but bears intent. It is dry, warm, and it's how a first kiss between two people who know each other should be.
It is the best kiss Jackson has ever had.
Which is why Jaebum shouldn't be pulling back.
"Fuck hey no what are you doing? Did I say stop? Why are you not kissing me you should always be kissing me oh my god wait did we just kiss!"
So Jaebum kisses him again to shut him up.