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Ga Min stares intensely at a red dot on his phone, informing him about Se Hyun’s whereabouts. Ji Woo and Hee Won had each other added on the gps app back before the study group and it proved it’s use on many occasions, so in case of dangers or just watching why someone is so late the rest of the friend group followed their example.
He is at home. Correction, his phone is at home. Ga Min texted him suggesting that they visit a new cafe and brush up on biology’s previous topics, but there is still no reply since yesterday evening. There are various explanations. Maybe he is still asleep, busy with something else that is not spending time with Ga Min (he can’t help but feel irritated, just a tiny bit), or broken his phone. It shows that the battery is decent so he excludes the possibility of it being dead.
Or maybe he messed up big time and now Se Hyun will avoid any sort of interaction with him. Ga Min didn’t do anything out of blue the last time he had seen him. And Se Hyun seemed okay too. Then it must be something not related to Ga Min specifically. He asked his other friends to try and get in touch with Se Hyun too, casually, maybe he is right after all, but still, to no avail.
That’s alright. He will see him on Monday, or Se Hyun will answer before that. But the gnawing feeling eats his insides away, making it impossible to move on to other things. What if something serious had happened and Ga Min isn’t there to help him?
The next minute he bolts out of the apartment, makes sure he locks the door and takes a taxi straight to Se Hyun’s. His mom is still at work so he doesn’t have to explain anything in order to go out. The commute is longer than he would like, and he grows more restless with every passing second, and the only thing he can think of is why isn’t he answering me. And others.
Ga Min calls several times and checks his phone frantically to see any updates on Se Hyun, whether from the gps app or from his friends. The pit in his stomach grows hollow and watching the cityscape through the window doesn’t soothe him as it usually does. Maybe Phi Han Wool’s people got him, he got to have some connections outside the prison that would be willing to help him get his revenge. Or a robber broke in and now is threatening Se Hyun into taking a loan on his dad’s behalf. Or maybe someone kidnapped him and tossed his phone back into his home to not be found. Ga Min really should stop watching those action dramas whenever he has free time but the chance of such things happening is never equal to zero.
Or Se Hyun was done with him. Simple as that. No, no, that can’t be. Maybe he will just arrive at sleepy Se Hyun and somehow justify his sudden visit. Although he clearly remembers him having a strict sleep regimen..
When he finally arrives, Ga Min almost forgets to pay, his fault, and runs to the door. It’s convenient and dangerous how close to the exit they live. A ring. Another. Must not work, so he knocks. Tugs on the door handle that is thankfully or upsettingly closed. No answer. Se Hyun is a light sleeper, there is no way he wouldn’t hear the sounds.
Ga Min is gonna break in. He dealt with a metal door that time, so this isn’t going to be hard. He will pay to get a new one installed, and put up with any scolding. On a first push, though, it opens from the inside.
— Sorry, ma’am, we are really going to pay, could you just give us some tim.. — Here Se Hyun is. Safe, untouched. With a frown on his forehead, tousled hair and eyes filled with surprise now that he noticed who actually is on his doorstep. — Ga Min-ah?
He looks horrified. Why? Is it so uncommon to squeeze your friends in a hug, pulling incredibly close, especially for an affectionate person like Ga Min? His arms settle on his shoulders, one hand pressing between his shoulder blades. In hindsight, Ga Min realizes that he shouldn’t have acted on impulse like that, but can you really blame him?
— Se Hyun-ah. You’re okay. — He sighs out of relief, pressing his cheek to his temple, catching the faint smell of shampoo from his hair. Must have showered recently. — You didn’t answer my texts. I was worried. — He manages to say before Se Hyun inevitably starts to complain and tries to break out of the embrace.
— Why are you clinging to me like that, ugh, Ga Min!
— Answer why you have been ignoring me and then I will let go.
It’s a dirty tactic. Se Hyun always grumbles should their or the group’s hugs last longer than a few seconds and usually doesn’t initiate any tactile contact, so Ga Min figured he doesn’t like it that much. Still, he can’t find it in himself to cease his hold, when he was so worried that something happened. He can’t let Se Hyun just sweep it under a rug.
— Ga Min, i swear to god, if-
— Se Hyun-ah. I could have waited until I saw you in school or just didn't let it disturb me.
— Then why you-
— I was so worried. I thought something bad had happened.
— Well, as you can see-
— I thought I did something wrong and couldn’t figure out what exactly.
— You didn’t, so-
— Se Hyun-ah. Be honest with me. That’s the only way you can escape my arms. — Ga Min doesn’t bat an eye on his prickliness, bulldozing through every attempt to revert the topic.
It gets Se Hyun to loosen up and take a deep breath in and out. He should get used to Ga Min’s stubbornness already, why is he acting like it’s a big deal.. Still, as his friend remains quiet, he gets the chance to scan the apartment. It’s clean. His dad must be still at work. Dishes are still at the table. Ga Min relaxes a bit, he gets increasingly worried about how well Se Hyun eats these days.
— At least get inside, you dork. — They wiggle their way in and Se Hyun locks the door.
Ga Min sheds his shoes without looking and guides them to the couch as Se Hyun grumbles about having to walk backwards. They sit down. Ga Min has to pull back, regretfully, because he certainly would be crossing a boundary if this keeps on. But he can always attack again. As Se Hyun fidgets and gathers his thoughts, Ga Min waits patiently.
— I.. — He swallows and looks quite troubled. — I’m sorry.
A pause. Se Hyun places his elbows on his knees and covers his face with his hands.
— Look, what I’m going to say right now is not a joke, or a prank, or something that is said light-heartedly.
Ga Min’s heart drops. That’s why he felt so queasy about not getting an answer. His mom’s words about stopping assuming something until he makes sure of it ring in his mind, yet the tone is devoid of the high raise characteristic of his self-conscious exclaims, which means Se Hyun is going to drop a big serious bomb.
— I have thought about it for a long time.
Ga Min isn’t ready. What if he had decided to leave the study group, or worse, drop out? Even more worse, what if he wants to..stop being friends. With him. No, that can’t be, maybe, but Se Hyun will surely tell him why, right? He can improve, fix some aspects so that he will allow him to stay in his life. Ga Min’s throat tightens up.
— It’s..hard for me to say this..but. I-
It’s also really hard for Ga Min not to break into tears right now, but he will hear him out. Se Hyun is being so brave right now that his chest hurts, realizing how he changed since the first time they sat together in the library.
— I.. — His voice gets quieter as he drops his head down. — I think..
Se Hyun is such a sensible person, hesitating because he values the other’s feelings too. Ga Min won’t, can’t let him slip away yet he knows that it will be wrong to keep him tied to something he doesn’t want. He looks really genuine about whatever is next to come.
Ga Min doesn’t know what to do. Their study group, the school, will feel so empty without him. Hell, his life will feel incomplete without him. How is he going to face that? What caused Se Hyun to stop-
— I love you.
What?
— I..I love you. Like, r-romantically. Like a partner.
He apparently said that out loud.
Everything goes still. Ga Min’s mind, which was previously ringing with alarms, turns numbingly quiet. His heart, however, comes to life with increased intensity as he feels it beating against his ribcage. He wants to throw up, violently.
— You..you don’t have to answer now, just. I couldn’t keep this to me anymore, you make it so hard to just swallow it and keep it at bay! Who even acts like that.. — He scratches his neck. — Now you know. I have been ignoring you. Needed to clear my mind since it was getting unbearable. Also, why would you get others to check on me, seriously..
The earth stops spinning. He hears Se Hyun’s words as if they were spoken through a layer of thick plastic sheet. Time stops running. His brain stops working. Ga Min feels like a very strong bodybuilder punched him in the gut with full force, the inertia crashing him onto a wall. He stares dumbly at Se Hyun, his dearest friend, too stunned to comprehend anything.
— Uh.. — It’s getting awkward for him, probably already regretting it with the way his cheeks heat up in the rosy pink of embarrassment. But Ga Min physically can’t force his tongue to move. — Want to eat something?
Ga Min spends the next day in a daze. He couldn’t say anything at Se Hyun’s, mumbling thanks and see you later. His thinking only turned on once he returned home.
His whole life was dedicated to studying and exercising, other people didn’t interest him as much if they weren’t an inspiration for the aforementioned things. Mom would ask whether there is someone he likes at school, and Ga Min would scoff and ask her to stop wondering. He gets the general idea of being in love and such things, but apart from some silly passing crushes, he didn’t experience the whole scope of it.
With several tabs opened at his phone starting from articles and ending with comments under posts in a forum, Ga Min takes yet another test of “How to tell whether you romantically love someone” to be completely sure his overwhelming affection to Se Hyun’s entire being isn’t platonic. He didn’t question it since he was sure that everyone that knows him feels that way because he is so great and amazing, and many other things ; Ga Min could go on and on if it didn’t require so much energy to do so in a hypothetical scenario of explaining why Se Hyun is likable. Isn’t it obvious?
Now that he knows that Se Hyun wants to date him like all those couples in movies, his head is very close to bursting. Never had he thought such a situation would happen to him. Ga Min barely slept and can’t focus on anything.
— What is troubling you? — Mom asks him over lunch as he delayingly starts eating lunch. He can’t even pull himself together to pretend that everything is normal. — Ga Min-ah, you look like you have seen a ghost.
Se Hyun wouldn’t like that Ga Min went on and rattled the sacred knowledge to his mom, or anyone. And it’s not like she knows him well.
— Someone confessed..to me. Yesterday. I can’t understand whether I love them too. I do like them, but I don’t see how that's different from liking them as a friend.
She has more expertise in the area. Mom would help him to put an end to this, right?
— It depends on how you perceive them. Don’t think about big things yet, just observe what naturally comes up when you think of them.
Too vague. His face seems to convey that he didn’t get it. She hums and places her chopsticks on the bowl.
— How would you react, say, they didn’t love you, and dated someone else? Being all sweet with each other before your eyes.
If Se Hyun had a partner, that would mean he would be less available to both studying and hanging out, which is catastrophic. They would hold each other hands, talk about a future together, say “i love you”’s casually, go on dates and eventually get married and have a kid. The images bringing a sour taste on his tongue. Ga Min feels like a truck hit him and he has been blown many meters away on a hard concrete.
And the worst of it all. Se Hyun would prioritize his partner over the study group, over Ga Min. He deserves the best of things, and Ga Min has a very low tolerance to anyone being mildly uncomfortable for Se Hyun, so should that someone not be a saint dropped straight from the heavens, Ga Min will have a very hard time accepting them. God, he feels a bit dizzy.
His obvious distress gets his mom to crack up and chuckle in amusement.
— Ga Min-ah. Trust what your heart says. Think of everything that would change should you put an official status.
Hm. Firstly, being boy-. Boyfr-, boyfrie-. Being together would imply spending more time tet-a-tet, which he would like despite how much he cherishes the hang outs with the whole friend group. Having his attention attuned only to him feels very pleasant, even if it’s fleeting and sometimes comprised of light scolding.
Secondly, it would involve getting closer in both mental and physical way. He could get to know Se Hyun in many other things and be there when he discovers something new for himself. Couples usually live together. They..could too. Also, couples usually kiss, the typical mark of a romantic relationship, and Se Hyun’s lips are cracked with his habit of chewing on them, but Ga Min doesn’t mind. Everything about him is perfect as it is. Although Ga Min doesn’t dare to entertain the possibility of ki-. Kissi-.
He spends his afternoon deep in thought. Most of it is replaying every moment they shared and analyzing how he felt and how he feels now. Ga Min realizes that some things he applies solely to Se Hyun, like how often his friend occupies his mind. He doesn’t think that much about other members of their study group. If he were to draw a pie chart, among other essential and important things, Se Hyun would take twenty five percent specifically.
Ga Min also wants to be with him no matter what mood he is in. Se Hyun has this magical way to make Ga Min soothe all of his worries and make him feel at ease. He can’t rank his close ones by importance, that’s inconceivable for him, all of them are dear to him. But Se Hyun is different in some sort of way. Special.
Now that he has some conclusions, Ga Min decides that he shouldn’t drag this out anymore. But he also shouldn’t just say that in a text, that isn’t sincere. Ga Min wants to see Se Hyun’s reaction. He would have written to him as he usually does, asking how he spent his day and whether he is planning something, but Se Hyun would think Ga Min is pretending that nothing has happened. He doesn’t want that.
As he had expectef, Se Hyun avoids him. He hurries out of the cabinet on breaks and answers curtly should Ga Min catch up. Blurting out his whole thought process isn’t really convenient, he still hasn’t managed to sum it up in a coherent speech. That’s why Ga Min lets him be and doesn’t pry much. No matter how much it hurts to watch his retreating back.
— Yah, Ga Min-ah. — Ji Woo corners him as he is about to get to class. — Where is Se Hyun? You usually are together.
— A.. — He clenches the books in his hands, swallowing a lump in his throat. — He told me to go on my own since he would be busy with something.
— Really. — She looks unimpressed. — Did something happen?
— ..Why? — Ji Woo doesn’t get into other people’s businesses, doesn’t usually ask what’s wrong, so either Jun or Hee Won pointed something out and forced her to confront him. He didn’t realize it was that obvious.
— Whose fault was it? Yours, his? Uh, whatever, just solve it quickly. The vibe is off with you two not being lovey-dovey as usual. — She rubs her temple as if the current situation is the bane of her existence.
— What?
— Go apologize, or something. — She mumbles before looking up to him, her stance changing to attacking mode. — Get going!
— The lesson starts in two minutes.
— God, I can’t believe you can’t just..ugh, then do it after the lesson! It’s easier to just cringe at you two than endure the awkwardness. — With that, Ji Woo turns around and walks away, leaving Ga Min confused and then nearly zoning out at the teacher’s monotone voice during class.
He successfully contacts Se Hyun and asks him to meet him in one of the empty classrooms. To be frank, he is anxious, even if he knows that there is nothing to be worried about. Ga Min just can’t help but expect something bad, he can’t afford being caught off-guard. He is lucky that Se Hyun is too kind to start denying his words or try to call everything off because if he did Ga Min would have genuinely broken down. He wouldn't be able to go on his life normally when he has discovered something this significant.
Se Hyun looks somewhere behind him and grumbles about how they have to be in their club room in twenty minutes and Ga Min should make it quick so that they won’t be late. It’s endearing how he tries to cover up how nervous he is.
— Se Hyun-ah. I thought about it very hard too. Thank you for telling me what you feel.
— So? — His voice raises like he is ready to argue. It doesn’t deter Ga Min in any bit.
— I.. — His cheeks heat up. Just four words, yet they weigh so much. He hesitates a bit before letting them roll out. — I love you too.
Se Hyun’s eyes flutter and he finally meets his gaze. He noticed how long his eyelashes were back then when he was resting in the library, a shelf between them. Ga Min remembers feeling like a creep for observing his face, always having that slight frown on it since he didn’t appreciate the company.
— I wouldn’t have realized if you hadn’t told me. Thank you, Se Hyun-ah.
— What..do you mean? — He sounds so quiet, so unbelieving. As if Ga Min could ever lie or mess with him.
— I assumed it was only natural to like you so much. Friends seek each other and share happiness. But I didn’t feel or think the same way for anyone as I did for you. — Ga Min smiles sheepishly. He swallows the lump in his throat as he continues. — I would like to..uh..whatever you want to do, now that..we are da-..dating.
It doesn’t go past him how Se Hyun blinks away the water accumulated on the corners of his eyes.
— Why did it take you so long then? I..I thought.. — He rushes to wipe the tears with his sleeve. — You..Seriously..
Ga Min is about to answer something reassuring but the air gets pushed out of his lungs as Se Hyun steps and wraps his arms around him. It’s nice. He could die out of how happy he feels as he brings his chest tightly against his own, Se Hyun nuzzling in his shoulder. Ga Min has this ridiculous thought of all of it being a dream.
— I’m sorry I left you hanging like that. I was pretty stunned to hear that.
— Don’t apologize. It’s okay, I get it. Just. I was so worried about..I really didn’t want to ruin everything. — He sniffs, wetting his vest but Ga Min couldn’t care less. — When you barged in like that that day, I realized I couldn’t keep it in me anymore. It hurt too much.
Ga Min lets himself tear up too, emotions brimming and threatening to overflow. His glasses slip down from the bridge of his nose but he doesn’t bother adjusting them.
They stand there in each other’s embrace, both unwilling to let go. Se Hyun likes to be held, after all. Or maybe this is a special occasion, Ga Min is still grateful. A bit later, Se Hyun loosens his hold to wipe his eyes and mumbles something about having to go already, but he doesn’t want to let this moment pass so quickly.
— I have a question. — Se Hyun hums questioningly. — Now that..we are d-dating, what exactly changes between us?
— Nothing much. We could progress anyhow we want.
— Then, I could do this, right? — Having a sudden idea pop up in his mind, Ga Min feels a rush of endorphins as he pulls back a bit and leans to press a gentle kiss on Se Hyun’s damp cheekbone.
The reaction is immediate.
— Ga Min! — He hits him with both of his fists and pushes him off. — What has gotten to you! I can’t believe.. you.. — Se Hyun brings his fingers to tentatively touch the place. He looks so cute and flushed Ga Min wants you to sob and kick his feet. — Don’t you know that you’re supposed to ask beforehand..seriously.. — Se Hyun radiates happiness, though.
Maybe it’s a perfectly suitable moment to ask for a kiss on the lips, but his heart probably will explode and Se Hyun won’t talk to him until the rest of the day. Ga Min pushes his glasses up and rubs at his eyes. Then reaches and intertwines their fingers, feeling all fuzzy and warm. Se Hyun’s palm is warm. He wants to hold onto it forever. Maybe he should glue them together. Se Hyun scoffs and leads them out of the cabinet.
— Don’t get too giddy, others are going to notice.
— The same thing about you. — Se Hyun lightly pushes him by his shoulder, chuckling slightly. Ga Min didn’t think it was possible to feel any better, but the light sound lifts his spirits up, like it always does. — I’m just so happy.
— Me too. — He nods and clears his throat, looking out the window. — Let’s..go somewhere today.
— Alone? — Ga Min stops in his tracks.
— Yeah. No need to be something special, just being together would be nice. — Se Hyun says, feigning nonchalance. Ga Min knows because he feels how his fingers slightly tremble. — Now that we are boyfriends, we should start small, you know. No drastic changes. Not that I’m expecting them.. — He mumbles a bit more before turning to a frozen Ga Min. — What?
Nothing. Just him suffering a nearly heart attack again. They are boyfriends. First-handedly confirmed. Spoken so casually. Seriously, if Se Hyun is already lightning up his wires like that, what is gonna happen should they…when they will…
— I love you.
He blinks at him several times before humming and squeezing his hand. Se Hyun bites his lower lip, completely flustered. So adorable.
— Don’t say that so often, it will lose it’s meaning. — He gives him the sweetest smile to exist, although all of his genuine ones are, and drags him by the hand. They get greeted with knowing glances and chuckles when they arrive, but that won’t stop Ga Min renewing his hold of Se Hyun’s hand under the table soon after they start the meeting.