Work Text:
[A couple years after the release of Space Princess Wars, Archer has become a screenplay writer just like her dad. Fans loved Princess Space Wars and Archer has a plot in mind for the sequel… but will Dad approve of this twist in his story?
After rewatching Princess Space Wars in their living room, Archer and Dad are on the sofa.]
Archer: This movie never gets old. One might say it’s your greatest masterpiece…
Dad: Aww, thanks sweetie.
Archer: … but you know what would make it better?
Dad: [looks concerned] Uh...
Archer: A SEQUEL! [pulls out a script even thicker than the original]
Dad: [even more concerned] That, um, is very kind of you to write but I really wanted my movie to be more of a stand-alone thing…
Archer: Pleeeeease just give it a chance
Dad: Fine, let’s get this over with.
Archer: We see a montage of galaxies, stars, and planets swirling in the void of space…
[Moon and Jeebos enter]
Dad: Where are the special and sound effects?
Archer: Only the actors could be here on short notice. Ok, tight focus on the eyes of Moon Starchild, standing on planet Mliax…
Dad: This is recycling my old plot!
Archer: Shhhhhhh! Behind Moon, Jeebos run around playing tag. Moon joins them in the game. The camera focuses on Bo and Amaria sitting on the porch of their family home.
Amaria: [happy crying] Our little Jeebos are growing up so fast.
Bo: It seems like only yesterday they were running into battle with us.
Moon: [to Jeebo] Ow! Hey that’s cheating! I’m gonna tell your mother!
Jeebo: No zooba zooba cheat ing! Jeebo tell matcha Moon’s sis ter!
Moon and Jeebo: AMARIAAAA!
Bo: [sigh] I still don’t understand why Moon has to stay with us. I know Mordra burned down his house, but out of all the people in the galaxy, we’re the ones who have to deal with him?
Amaria: He’s my brother!
Bo: … so?
Amaria: Just be nice to him please. Come on kids, time for dinner!
Moon: I’ll eat later. For now, I’m going to sit on this rock and question my life choices. [everyone but Moon leaves] What am I doing here? I’m a prince. I used to be a hero. Now I’m back where I started, living in the middle of nowhere! I want to make a difference in this universe!
[Goondalf enters, dressed like Galdromius]
Goondalf: My name is Goondalf, Galdromius’s brother, and I need somebody to help me make a difference in the universe!
Moon: YES! I didn’t know I had an uncle, but I’ll do anything you say.
Goondalf: Bo Blaster’s wedding ring is evil, you must steal it before it makes HIM evil.
Moon: … is that it? Can’t I do anything else to help?
Goondalf: Well, erm, you could go on a long journey with me and my team to destroy the ring at Mount Fire. I guess.
Moon: Great! I’ll get the ring tonight. Bo will be so mad, but it’s for his own good. Wait, who’s your team?
[The team enters]
Archer: Goondalf introduces the team: Legless the elf, Gimme the dwarf, and Oregano the aggressive human. That night, Moon steals the ring and sets off with his new team to destroy the evil.
Dad: Hold on. Moon isn’t that smart. There’s no way he could steal Bo Blaster’s wedding ring and get away with it! Where is the logic here?
Archer: Moon has a team now, OK? If you’re that unsatisfied with the plot, I’ll skip through some stuff. The next morning, Bo and Amaria realize what happened and decide to go after Moon. They convinced Ogmi and Brogi to babysit the Jeebos and called the old team to help find Moon. Selene and Goliath wanted to help but were caught up in their work (Selene was teaching her sword fighting class and Goliath was knitting a suit for the president). Galdromius came home just in time to help in the search, so the three of them left together. They followed the footprints of Moon and Goondalf’s team until they came to an underground tunnel filled with lasers and force fields. Moon was tied up at the end of the tunnel and…
Dad: WAIT. Why is he tied up? Back up a bit.
Archer: [she smiles] As you wish. After a long journey of fight scenes and bonding moments, the team made it to Mount Fire…
Legless: [puts his hand against the mountain in a ritualistic way] We got the ring, boss.
Oregano: And a prince! [puts arm around Moon’s shoulder]
Moon: Uh, who are you talking to right now?
Goondalf: Into the tunnel, quickly!
[They go in the tunnel and see a giant computer screen at the end. On the screen, we see Viz]
Viz: It took you long enough!
Moon: I’m like really confused right now.
[Goondalf, Legless, Oregano, and Gimme take off their disguises. They’re actually Goons 1, 2, 3, and 4]
Dad and Moon: GASP!
Dad: It makes more sense this way. I knew Galdromius didn’t have a brother… and Moon is so gullible, of course he would fall into the hands of villains. Again.
Moon: Not again! What do you even want with me?
Viz: I told you I would win the battle of the mind! You see, I had my mind copied to this computer before I died, so I didn’t die! My beautiful mind will live forever once I update myself with the microchip hidden in Bo’s ring. Goons! Tie up the prince and hook up the ring to my system.
Moon: Don’t do it! The ring is evil and must be destroyed.
Goon 4: No it’s not. We made that up.
Moon: Oh. [the Goons tie him up]
Archer: Cut to a while later. Bo, Amaria, and Galdromius found the tunnel.
Galdromius: Spooky. Doesn’t it feel just like old times, kids?
Bo: I’m not your kid.
Amaria: Shh! I think I see Moon. We must get past these lasers.
Viz: [pops up on a screen next to them] You should be more concerned about my Goons and Robots coming to attack you.
Amaria: You’re alive?!
[Goons and Robots attack. They all keep talking while fighting]
Moon: She tricked me into bringing her Bo’s ring!
Galdromius: That explains a lot. Don’t worry, son, we’ll save you.
Amaria: Why did Computer Viz even need Bo’s ring?
Viz: He didn’t tell you?
Bo: Uh oh.
Amaria: Bo Westley Blaster, what did you do?
Viz: Your little Farmboy was a smuggler, and he kept a lot of his stolen contraband. He hid a high tech microchip in his wedding ring that can make a computer indestructible! Ha ha ha ha!
Amaria: You said you got rid of all that stuff!
Bo: I’M SORRY.
Galdromius: And you wonder why I don’t approve of your marriage.
Amaria: [to Galdromius] Dad! Stay out of this!
Bo: I kept it for our future! Why are you always so mad at me?
[Amaria, Galdromius, and Bo keep arguing and start fighting each other. Goons and Robots are confused, but are slowly closing in on the three heroes. Then Changas with swords start attacking Goons and Robots. Selene and Goliath enter, cheering for the Changas]
Bo: Selene! [Bo and Selene do a long, complicated handshake] what are all these Changas for?
Selene: They’re my class. This battle is their graduation test!
Goliath: Should we help them fight, honey?
Selene: Looks like they need us, so sure. Hey, these Robots look a lot like people who died on our last mission.
Viz: Yes, I had my Goons build replicas of people like Mordra and Voldak for dramatic effect.
[Mordra Robot waves, then goes back to fighting]
Galdromius: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY? It’s like the Goons never die!
Viz: HA HA HA! You’re outnumbered! I will finally…
[Computer Viz, and all Robots suddenly shut down. Goons get scared and run away. The lasers in front of Moon turned off, so he runs out of the tunnel]
Moon: Did we win?
Goliath: Am I the only one who’s really confused?
Bo: For once, no you’re not.
Priest: [enters holding a long cable] Hewo guys. I was on a walk and I tripped on this wong charger thing. I guess I accidentawy unpwugged it. Shouwd I put it back? I see it turned off the wights.
Selene: That’s great! Leave it like that.
Archer: So they all went back to Bo and Amaria’s house to have a friends and family dinner. The end. Roll the credits.
Dad: That… wasn’t bad. But where was XJ188E during all of this?
Archer: That, my dear father, is what the scene at the end of the credits will show you. On a space ship in the other side of the galaxy, XJ188E sits in a pilot seat, staring at a photo of Moon Starchild.
Adorable Pony Alien Zombie: [looks over XJ188E’s shoulder] Who’s that, dear?
XJ188E: Oh, it’s nobody... Is the target in sight?
Adorable Pony Alien Zombie: Yes. Their ship is a few yards ahead of us.
XJ188E: Perfect. I’m so glad you’re not dead. It’s more fun being a Space Pirate Murder Robot with a partner like you. [They smile and grab their weapons]
Archer: The end.
Sound Effects: [bursts into the room with Special Effects] WE’RE HERE!
Special Effects: Aw, we missed it.
Archer: Sorry guys.
Dad: This wouldn’t be an official sequel to my movie if we didn’t have the theme music. Why don’t you two do it for us.
Archer: Wait. After they do the music, will you approve my plot? Like, officially?
Dad: I would be a fool not to. [cheesy loving dad smile]
[Sound Effects and Special Effects play the music on kazoos, then the rest of the cast joins in and they finish the music with a confetti popper that makes half the people in the room jump.]