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michael sat in his hotel room, full on sobbing into the thick, white comforter. michaels skin was red and splotchy, his nose dripping with snot and tears streaking his face and neck. michaels chest heaved in panic, his fists clutching the blanket underneath him, white knuckled.
michael had been having a good day, in bali, with his friends— they had went sight seeing, taking pictures along the way. they all woke up early to enjoy beers in the pool at the resort, relaxing after their tour together, recuperating after the label had been absolutely fucking them over.
michael had even gotten close with a girl on his trip, their pr manager— he was even quite fond of her… so why the hell was he having a panic attack in his room alone? well, the same reason he cried most nights. luke.
michael had gotten down on one knee in a mock proposal to luke this afternoon after one too many beers and luke faked enthusiasm for the camera. you see, everything was fake to all the on lookers but michael so desperately craved that it could be real.
luke and michael used to not get along, they hated each other, but that was just because michael had a huge crush on him in school— michael blamed it on luke being a stuck up, cool kid but it was really all michaels deep remorse for falling for the most popular kid.
it also didnt help that luke was a boy… a good christian boy at that, internalizing his own sexuality for the grace of god. so, luke pushed down all his desire deep into the back of his mind, for the sake of getting into heaven.
that was until michael wormed his way into his life. michael was annoying and relentless, at first; forcing his way into lukes life with the promise of furthering the career luke was trying to jumpstart with his youtube covers.
michael was, unfortunately, right. with michael’s help, lukes covers reached farther and wider, gaining the attention they deserved. michael had the knowledge, and friends, to make lukes dream and reality… something luke would never be able to repay him for.
once gigs started to get booked and songs started being written, michael and luke were forced closer. luke had to get over his distain for the color haired boy who was obnoxiously loud and always clinging to him.
luke and michael learned that things were so much easier if they would drop the facade that they hated each other. so they did. they became inseparable, really.
michael would cuddle with luke in the early days of the band, when they didn’t really have enough money yet to earn them all separate hotel rooms. michael would sit too close to luke in interviews and listen way too intently for lukes answer of who he would date if he was a girl.
at first it was just… harmless. stolen glances at each other across the room, hands brushing, laughing too loudly at the others joke.
but things got more complicated as time progressed.
glances became longing stares, meaningless quips at each other became dares, hands didn’t just brush anymore, they gripped each other tightly.
then came the parties— the drinking, the drugs. inebriated, horny teenage boys. the confessions. the kissing. the touching.
the things they felt for each other coming to a head. it wasn’t something either of them could hide anymore between trash talk and mean mugs thrown in each others direction.
luke wasn’t supposed to like a boy. michael wasn’t supposed to like luke.
this toxic relationship continued into their early twenties. going on tour together only fueled the desire shared between the pair but as soon as both boys landed at home, all feelings were shut off. abandoned.
luke blamed everything on the fact that they were just young, horny and all crammed onto a bus together for three quarters of a year. jet lagged and overworked to the point of exhaustion. so touch starved and craving human connection.
but that wasn’t true.
michael yearned for luke in the off seasons, everything he ever felt for his friend, piercing his chest like a knife. michael craved luke so desperately that his ribs physically ached when they were apart, a dull roar underneath it all.
luke missed michael, too, when they weren’t together. but under the watchful eyes of his parents and god, luke had to act like the admiration he had for michael was nothing more than brotherly love.
but… eventually, luke started dating. and the pain michael felt seeing luke with a new girl every other time change, hurt michael worse. so, michael tried to date, too. but nothing ever compared to the way luke would hold him and mumble sweet nothings until they fell asleep in each others arms.
they were each others safety net when they were miles away from home. flings with their girlfriends never lasted due to the relentless taunting by their fan base. michael was secretly glad for bitchy teenage girls picking apart their relationships.
michael and luke had tried to have a conversation about what they could be way too many times. luke always having some excuse about why they couldn’t be together— religion, fans, fame. all of it was bullshit.
everytime they would drink together, the pair would find themselves making out or holding hands or whispering i love you to each other. it was pathetic, really, that michael ever let himself believe that he and luke could be happy.
so, michael was trying to persevere, taking luke’s words to heart. believe that they could never be a couple despite how badly he wanted that.
the stares became glances again. the hand holding subsided. the false sentiments left in the folded sheets of hotel rooms, scattered across the country.
michael stayed loyal to luke and the band, despite it causing him immense pain to even be in lukes proximity. saving face for the sake of the band… for lukes dream. michael wouldn’t dare jeopardize the life that luke had worked so hard to create for himself, for them, over his deplorable crush.
michael was always seen as the rebel loner of the band so he leaned into that title. michael distanced himself from the group, not participating in parties and locking himself away to play games, for the benefit of his career.
it wasn’t necessarily untrue; michael was a loner back home he just somehow managed to make a friend or two and get the fuck out of the black an white town he was raised in.
when the boys proposed a get away trip, after the release of their third studio album, and the last leg of their tour, michael thought it might help with the depressive thoughts that seeped through all the wrinkles and ridges in his brain, consuming his every waking thought.
that was, until, despite the fact lukes girlfriend was on the trip, luke got way too drunk and settled himself way too close to michael. like he used to…
michael thought he could deal with luke fucking someone else, someone he should’ve, as long michael occupied the space in the back of lukes mind. which he did.
luke couldn’t get over michael. that’s why he pushed things a little too far, crossed boundaries he put in place, when he got cross faded. luke was good at taking things too far. making a mess of things.
thats why, after a few drinks and maybe a line of cocaine, luke had pressured michael to fake propose to him, confess his feelings. luke, selfishly, watched as michael sank to his knees in front of him, his heart ponding against his sternum.
someone captured the moment on camera, luke wasn’t even sure who they were… so many people were on this trip. but the shutter of the camera had sent michael into a spiral. michael had stormed off, leaving everyone confused but it didn’t stop their party, nonetheless.
except for luke. luke knew what thoughts were crossing the back of michaels mind. he always knew what lingered in the dark corners of michael’s brain. it was usually him.
so, luke found his way back to his own room, waiting for michaels call. luke protested when his girlfriend wanted to come with him, reassuring her to stay in the resort and party with her friends. that he was just tired and needed a moment of peace.
as soon as the phone rang, luke answered. luke could hear michaels labored breathing on the other line, knowing michael had been crying. luke was already making his way across the cabana, not waiting for michael to explain his reasoning for calling.
luke didn’t knock on michael’s door, either, he forced his way into the privacy of michaels room. michaels head didn’t even lift when luke entered the room, a shaky hand still pressing the phone to his ear.
michael choked out sobs as luke settled into the mattress with him, wrapping him in sunburnt, overly warm limbs. luke tried to tame the animalistic cries ripping their way out of michael’s chest with soft, gentle strokes of his bright red hair.
michael shook, mostly in anger, at the fact that luke knew exactly how to make him melt. michael didn’t want luke to be his comfort, anymore. michael needed this awful, torment to stop. michael needed to be free of the burden of loving luke.
“luke,” michael finally croaked, his voice utterly wrecked from sobs. michael’s eyes searched desperately over luke’s face, blurry from tears. “i need you to be honest.”
lukes blonde eyebrows furrowed as he looked down at michael. “about?” luke asked, his voice soft and gentle, coaxing. michael hated the way luke sounded right now. too tender for his own good.
“us.” michael was vague on purpose, wanting a certain reaction from luke. michael reached his hands up to hastily wipe tears from his sensitive eyes, so he could focus on luke.
a soft scoff came first, “what about us?” luke immediately got defensive, his grip on michael tightened, but not because he wanted him closer.
“tell me you don’t feel the same way about me that i do you.” michael challeged, phlegm thick in his throat. a lump forming to choke him out.
“i-“ luke started to argue but sighed in anguish instead. luke closed his jaw tightly as he loosened his grip on michael. luke unwrapped michael and pushed himself out of the bed, frustrated by the fact they were going to have this conversation once again.
michael watched luke pace the length of the room, over and over, knowing luke was grappling with his own thoughts. luke shook his head and let out a chortle, annoyed and discontented. this only infuriated michael to fill the silence.
“all this time, i have given you all of me but you’ve never been able to reciprocate.” michael spat in luke’s direction, causing the lanky boy to stop in his tracks.
“you’ve always been too fucking scared. you never had the guts to fight for us. i would’ve.” michael gestured into his chest, angrily. michael was seething, hands shaking as they waved.
“it wouldve been so easy for us to fight for this.” michael lashed out, tears rolling down his face again, outraged. michael’s fists hit the mattress as he threw his temper tantrum about their relationship. or lack there of.
michael’s eyes darted back and forth over luke’s face. “it’s so obvious that we love each other.” michael’s voice cracked. michael reached his hand out to luke, his shoulders shaking violently, wanting some form of comfort.
luke stared down at michael’s hand that was extended to him. luke wanted to hold michael until all his broken pieces fused themselves back together. but he couldn’t. “we don’t love each other.” lukes tone was firm, trying to convince them both. luke’s pain from his own words was throbbing in time with his heartbeat.
michael looked up at luke through tear filled eyes. “are you sure about that?” michael challeged luke, his voice breaking. michael searched lukes face, blinking tears out of his eyes so he could focus on luke’s micro expressions he had come to know all too well.
luke had a tell when he lied, a twitch of his jaw, a dimple. “yes.” luke replied, tone flat, eyes emotionless. michael could tell luke had dissociated. michael knew luke was lying through his teeth. the wound luke had formed in michael’s heart all those years ago was raw, blistering and inflamed, now, at luke’s words.
“i’ve been falling in love with you, all these years, but, if you don’t feel the same,” michael rose from the bed now, his knees threatening to buckle under his weight, weakened. michael stepped to stand toe to toe with luke, feigning indifference. “go.”
lukes jaw twitched in discomfort, his eyes filling with tears. luke’s eyes pleaded with michael, darting back and forth between the stormy green. luke rubbed his fingers anxiously at his side, thumb and forefinger sliding against each other.
luke couldn’t open his mouth, it was like his jaw was wired shut. if lukes lips parted, he knows animalistic cries would force their way out from the depths of his chest. so, instead, luke nodded subtlety to michael.
michael and luke stood toe to toe, eyes searching each other, waiting for someone to break first. someone to say apologize. someone to admit fault. michael felt resentment building in the pit of his stomach the longer luke stood in his room. michael’s face tightened up, his teeth clenching and grinding against each other in white hot rage.
michael pushed against lukes chest with flat, strong palms, making the taller boy stumble backwards. “go, go, go. go!” michael repeated with every shove of his palms against lukes broad chest, adrenaline coursing through his veins. “then go!” michael shouted, tears falling off his chin.
luke didn’t move of his own accord, just let michael bash his small fists into him. tears streamed down lukes face, now, at the realization that he was going to lose the one person he loved most in the world, all because he was too scared.
“why don’t you-“ michael choked on his cries as he shoved luke again, vision blurring, ears ringing. a suffocating pressure with no sharp edges pressed on michael’s chest, making it hard to breathe. “why don’t you go?!” michael shouted through sobs. “i’m not who you want, so fucking go! get the fuck away from me.” michaels threat had no fire despite his rage.
luke sighed in remorse for not speaking sooner. luke hated that he was the reason for this tragedy. luke knew that he couldn’t take anything back, now. luke had officially broken michael. luke would never be able to get them back to the place they once were.
“go!” michael shoved lukes chest again, pushing him towards the door, angrily . luke took a step back, his own shoulders shaking from his silent cries. “go, go, go.” michael repeated with every shove and step, pushing luke into the door of his room, carelessly.
michael looked up at luke as he had him pressed against the door, desperately. “why couldn’t you have left sooner, you selfish fucking moron?” michael fell into luke’s chest, craving some form of solace, his tears gathering on lukes teeshirt.
luke resisted the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around michael. luke tipped his head up to the ceiling, his jaw wobbling at the thought of leaving michael in this room alone. luke closed his eyes and breathed through the panic rising in his chest, clawing at his throat.
luke’s arm reached behind him, his hand finding the doorknob. michael heard the click and pulled himself away from luke, feeling pathetic for ever even leaning into him for comfort. like he usually did.
michael took a step back, a soft scoff escaping his plump lips, letting luke open the door. michael could see the guilt written all over luke’s face, pained by the agony he caused himself. “go.” michael whispered, his voice thick, hateful, bitter.
luke listened, his heart breaking as he looked at the boy he loved, sobbing on his behalf. luke was regreatful for the pain he caused michael. luke felt like someone had pierced all his nerves with a hot knife as he as ducked out the door to michael’s room.
michael leaped forward to shove the door closed, not caring if luke was still halfway in the threshold. michaels fingers worked to lock luke out, forever. michael slid down the door, his cries echoing off the floor, the walls.
luke stood in the hallway with his chest heaving, panic strangling him. life was so cruel. if michael was a girl, it wouldn’t have even been a question in lukes mind to love him so effortlessly. luke winced at every sob that ricocheted off the walls.
it was bittersweet… but at least they had gotten to love each other.