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The year was 69 After Birth. The sky was red, and the Earth was under heavy meteor rain. All water sources had become beyond acidic. The only forces to be found anywhere were the governors of mankind: the Anarchists. Having strict rule over all the activities of the people, they made sure no one stepped out of line. Surely, there would be someone brave enough to defy their rule and free the world. Enter Sonic, a wanted international criminal charged with extreme masochism and unsafe homosexuality. He had just saved a baby from a scary-looking crib in a house near his, and he had safely deposited it in a federal facility nearby (the county prison). A few days earlier, he’d seen a man holding a sign on the side of the street, obviously trying to bait in unsuspecting victims. Since Sonic couldn’t read, he didn’t know what was on the sign, but it looked evil. He beat up the guy and let him die in a ditch. He did many good deeds like this without even being asked, and as far as he could tell, he was a hero. This time, though, he was on the run from Chaofficers: the Anarchist law enforcement.
Sonic had been cornered in an open plains area. There was one officer within a 100-mile radius of him, and another following close by, just out of that range. Weighing his options, Sonic decided to go all-in. He didn’t have much time: either he stayed there with no consequences, or he’d escape the situation using the stored-up power inside him. The best weapon at his disposal was a combination of his two most useful muscles: the larynx and the pituitary gland. KA-KARROT! He took one ste🅱️ and exploded on the spot. The Champagne were foiled. They couldn’t arrest a man who didn’t exist. Sonic’s noble plan had worked perfectly.
It was then that Shadow realized he was in heaven. “Why didn’t I go straight to hell? I’m obviously a fag.” he asked a random guy. Piccolo answered, “Fags don’t go to hell. Only Trump voters and white people.” Then they fought and Piccolo won, dealing the finishing blow to Shadow and killing him. He didn’t go anywhere when he died. After all, where does one go when he dies in heaven?
It wasn’t long before the world started to fall into order without Shadow. THE LORD OVERSEERS OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE GALAXY saw this and said, “WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Oh WHY DID SHADOW HAVE TO DIE?” THE LORD OVERSEERS OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE GALAXY decided to revive him twice as powerful to bring chaos back into the world. They would call him... 🅱️ETER SHADOW. 🅱️ETER SHADOW woke up in a poorly-lit lab somewhere, covered in a new set of spandex full-body armor. He rose from the operating table he was on and crushed a nearby human with his thighs alone. Emperor Palpatate, who happened to be standing nearby, was pleased with his power. “Now, 🅱️ARK SHADOW, you will be visited by three spirits of his hateful and the other one of those little heaters for my phone.” “What the fuck?”, 🅱️ARK SHADOW said through his mask. “Sorry, I had a stroke.” Extra Pulp said, straightening his robe. “The first spirit, known as--- 🅱️ARK SHADOW, I must tell you something…!” “What?” “You… are your own grandfather!” 🅱️ARK SHADOW fell to his knees and shouted “NOOOOOOOOOO!” like an unpaid prostitute. Suddenly, METOL SA🅱️IK crashed through the South-Westernmost county in Delaware, Oregon, and ste🅱️🅱️ed fourth to challenge 🅱️ARK SHADOW. With the force of 10,000 Antarctica, METOL SA🅱️IK 🅱️lasted xxX_🅱️aRtH/️️️🅱️eTeR_sha🅱️ow_Xxx to o🅱️livion. After METOL SA🅱️IK a🅱️sor🅱️ed 🅱️ARK SHADOW, he transfor🅱️ed into 🅱️UPER SONICO, sur🅱️assing her creators.
THE LORD OVERSEERS OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE GALAXY NOTICED HER RAPID ASCENT UP THE METAPHORICAL LADDER TO GODHOOD, AND CHALLENGED HER TO A ONE-ON-ONE BATTLE AGAINST ALL OF THEM. 🅱️UPER SONICO AGREED, KNOWING THAT DEFEATING THEM WOULD ALLOW HER TO RULE OVER ALL LIFE AND DEATH. ON MAY 🅱️TH, THE DAY HAD COME FOR THE FINAL BOUT. THE LORD OVERSEERS OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE GALAXY KICKED IT OFF WITH A KICK, BUT MISSED BY A FEW MILES AND HIT ALL HUMANITY, CAUSING INSTANT EXTINCTION. 🅱️UPER SONICO TOOK HER TURN AND HIT THE LORD OVERSEERS OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE GALAXY RIGHT IN THE FIBER-OPTIC. AS THE LORD OVERSEERS OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE GALAXY REELED BACK IN PAIN AND GRATUITOUS FANSERVICE, 🅱️UPER SONICO STRUCK AGAIN WITH A BLOW AT THE HYPERBOLA. THE LORD OVERSEERS OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE GALAXY, FIGHTING THE URGE TO VOMIT, JUMPED IN THE AIR AND DID A SOMERSAULT. THIS WAS A FATAL BLOW FOR 🅱️UPER SONICO. IF SHE DIDN’T DO SOMETHING SOON, SHE WAS GONNA LOSE ALL HER CHROMOSOMES. IN A DESPERATE FINAL ATTEMPT TO TAKE OUT THE LORD OVERSEERS OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE GALAXY, SHE DID A DOUBLE-TAKE. THAT WAS ENOUGH! THE LORD OVERSEERS OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE GALAXY FADED INTO OBLIVION AND THEY WERE NO MORE. WITH NO ONE LEFT ON TOP, 🅱️UPER SONICO REIGNED SUPREME FOR 1 MILLISECOND AND DIED FROM EXCESSIVE CHROMOSOME LOSS.