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This can’t be happening.
Winry runs down the long dusty trail leading to her childhood home with the telegram still clutched tight against her chest. As soon as she read it she had to get away and she’s run all the way back from town. Her right side burns like a knife is being twisted in it and she can hardly catch her breath, but none of those things matter. Right now she almost wishes the pain in her side really was from a knife ending this world of torment she’s apparently cursed to live in.
How can this possibly happen to her again?
Her thighs burn from exertion as she makes it over the small hill and finally spots the place that once was her happy home. For a little while it was happy again, but now it’s nothing but an empty shell. Granny went to join her mom and dad a little over a year ago and now that she’s without—
No. No, she can’t think that way. It can’t be true. It CAN’T! But the crushed paper in her hand reminds her just how wrong she is. Tears burn her eyes and she runs faster even though each step makes her lungs ache with every gasped breath. But what does that matter now? Her entire world is dashed at her feet, shattered all over again by a military that’s determined to destroy everything she’s ever held dear. Pinako was the only one who went peacefully, but the result was still the same. She’s alone and this time she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be able to recover. How can this happen again?
Winry bursts through the door of the shop she took over when Granny’s health started failing, though that wasn’t the main reason she came back here. If she’d tried hard enough she could’ve convinced Granny to move in with her in Rush Valley. There really wasn’t anything left for them in Resembool with Al in Xing and Ed back in the military with the General. But coming back here meant she would be closer to Ishval and closer to the one person who’s made her life right again. That’s why she needed to be here. That’s why she’s eked out a living in a tiny town when she could have her own business in Rush Valley with many apprentices fighting for her attention. But none of that mattered if she could somehow be closer to her.
Winry stops just inside the doorway and even with a single scan of the front room she sees her everywhere. She sees them curled up together under a blanket on the small couch or cuddled in front of a fire on a cold winter’s night. She sees her cleaning her guns at the kitchen table or watching intently as Winry uses the same space to work on a special automail project she couldn’t leave in the shop. Her favorite book is still on the table by the living room chair, dog eared and worn but loved all the same. To think she’ll never pick up that book and smile over the top of it at Winry again….
“No. No, no, no, no, NO!” Winry screams out her anguish and tears the paper in her hands to shreds. It’s not like she needs to read it again. The memo was short and specific as it tore her world apart and she knows she’ll never get those fucking words out of her head.
Assassination attempt. Ishval.
General’s guard killed.
General minor injuries.
There’s only one person who’s always at Mustang’s side. It may not say her name, but Winry knows, she knows it had to be her. But that’s not even the worst part, the part that’s twisting her up inside in a way she’ll never be able to forgive herself for. The damn telegram was dated two days ago. Two fucking days ago, and she didn’t even know. She couldn’t even tell.
Winry cries out in anguish and stumbles her way into the kitchen. How could she have been carrying on for two whole days while the love of her life was on some cold table or dead in the ground somewhere? How could she not know? All those years she worried about Ed and Al she always believed if something really happened to them that she’d know, that somehow the universe would let her feel something about the ones she loved. But apparently that belief was nothing but a bunch of crap! Riza was dead and she didn’t even KNOW!
She needs to do something, anything. She wants to break and destroy, to throw a wrench or something to vent her anguish. The compulsion is overwhelming, the same way it always is, and she just needs to act. Her eyes scan the kitchen for what she doesn’t know until suddenly she spots it. Winry crosses the room to the drawer she never opens and jerks it open violently. The hand gun she never touches, the one Riza made her learn to fire once, is still sitting in its place where she swore she’d always leave it. Winry’s always hated guns, even though she knows they’re Riza’s world and she told her she’d never use it. Why would she need to when she had Riza?
Winry snatches up the perfectly maintained firearm and nearly drops it. She always forgets how heavy these things are. Her hands run over the foreign metal and it’s only when she unlatches the safety that she realizes she’s shaking. What is she doing? She doesn’t really know, but as she slides the weapon into her right hand it suddenly feels right. It’s death and destruction, right at her fingertips. It’s the embodiment of everything that’s taken the ones she loved away and it’s too much. It’s all fucking too much!
Winry spins, her hands awkwardly coming together over the gun just like Riza showed her and screams as rage fills her. She turns toward the kitchen wall filled with pictures she and Granny added to over the years and her mind goes blank. So much loss, so much pain and she screams again as her finger finds the trigger over and over. The sound is deafening in the small kitchen but she can’t stop as glass shatters and paper tears. It’s complete and utter destruction and she keeps pulling the trigger until the clip empties and tears dry on her face.
“WINRY!”
That voice. It can’t be. Her ears are still ringing but there’s no question what she heard. Winry spins around, arms still out stretched holding the gun and her eyes open wide with shock. It can’t be. Has she completely lost her mind? It can’t be.
“Riza.”
Her entire body shakes at the beautiful sight before her that can’t be real. It just can’t. Her hands tremble harder and the gun slips from her fingers and clatters to the ground. She has to be seeing things. This can’t really be her standing in front of her still wearing her full military dress. Tears slide down Winry’s face because that’s not how she’d picture her. That’s not how she sees her in her mind. Why would she see her this way now? Is it possible…?
“Win, oh God.” Riza moves, the first indication she might not be a mirage, and carefully slides the gun out of the way with her foot, another indication this could really be her. Then she comes forward and Winry chokes on her own tears when she’s wrapped up in the only embrace that’s made her feel safe since the death of her parents. Her tears fall freely as strong arms, flesh and delicate metal wrap around her and pull her close. “Win, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m so sorry.”
She doesn’t know why. She doesn’t know how, but she doesn’t care right now. Her life hasn’t come to an empty, shattered end and she clings to the woman in front of her as if to let her go would cause her to lose everything. And it would. She knows without a doubt now there’s no way she can stay sane without her. She’s made it through so much and she knows she’s a hard, tough woman, but without Riza…she doesn’t know how much more she’d want to try.
“Win, I’m so sorry. I knew when I saw the release.” Her arms tighten around her even more and Winry hiccups on her tears as Riza’s hand strokes over her hair. “Did you not get Kain’s message? He sent one right after….”
Winry shakes her head even though she’s only half following the words. Physical touch is all she’s processing now. The hows and whys don’t matter. Not yet. Now she just needs Riza, to press herself against this amazing woman and know she’s real and not some crazy fantasy. She didn’t dare get her hopes up, even though she wasn’t mentioned by name because she knew if she did and she was wrong it would destroy her completely. It nearly did anyway and she’ll never tell her that when she first picked up the gun it almost wasn’t the wall she shot. That fact alone is rocking her to her core and she can barely think, much less form words.
“It’s alright, Win. I promise.” Riza tries to slowly pull back but Winry clings to her even tighter. It feels like she’s falling apart and only Riza’s touch can keep her together. A cool metal hand touches her hot, wet cheek and she lets out a shuddery breath. “Win, please, look at me.”
For a moment she can’t. She can’t do anything but press her face to the crook of Riza’s neck, but once she catches her breath she forces herself to pull back just enough to look into her worried, amber eyes. Comforting, smooth fingers caress her cheek and ground her more than she thought possible. This is her Riza and from all she can tell she is okay. Riza’s eyes cloud with emotion and her brow furrows as she whispers softly, “I’m okay.”
And that’s everything Winry needs to hear. She leans forward, closing the tiny distance between them and presses her lips against Riza’s soft ones. She can taste her own tears in the tender touch but she doesn’t care. Riza’s here and alive. Their lips part in unison, deepening the comforting kiss as one, and Winry finally feels the tightness in her chest loosen. Riza hugs her tight and Winry responds in kind as they cling together in the only way that makes sense. It’s all about comfort and reassurance and when the kiss finally breaks off she rests her cheek against Riza’s shoulder, the rough wool of her blue, military coat scratching Winry’s raw and tender skin.
“I thought I lost you.” Riza’s arms tighten around her again at the words and Winry clings back just as tightly. Her voice is still unsteady, but at least the tears have finally stopped. She takes a deep, shuddery breath then finally, slowly pulls back to look at her lover’s face. Worry, concern and guilt lace her beautiful eyes and Winry wants to make it all go away. She cups her face with both hands and kisses softly over her lips, cheeks, eyes, anything she can touch.
“I’m sorry,” Riza whispers and Winry shakes her head as she runs her calloused thumbs over Riza’s sun kissed cheeks.
“Don’t. It’s not your fault. You don’t need to be sorry.” Winry kisses her tenderly again then reaches down to squeeze her right hand. “The telegraph office in Resembool is far from as efficient as it should be. You couldn’t know.” She runs her thumb over the back of Riza’s hand and as her mind finally starts to work again she remembers the lines of the message. Someone was killed. At least, she thinks they were, and didn’t it mention Mustang was injured too? Until now she couldn’t get past her own grief. Is Ed okay? If the General was hurt she can only imagine what Ed must be doing to the town. “Riza, what happened? Are Ed and Mustang okay?”
Riza sighs and nods slowly. She glances over to the floor and Riza doesn’t even have to look to know what’s bothering her. She squeezes Riza’s hand once more then releases it when Riza pulls away and kneels down to pick up the discarded firearm. “Roy and Ed are fine, or they will be.” Riza checks the gun over with efficient movements and there was a time Winry knows the attention she’s giving it would’ve bothered her. But she’s a sniper. Guns bring her comfort and doing something so familiar is probably as calming as when Winry rechecks automail she knows doesn’t need it. Riza walks over to put the gun back in the open drawer Winry took it from then turns around to face her again.
“The General took a bullet to the arm but he’s already recovering. As you can imagine Ed will see to that.” Winry nods and lets out a relieved sigh and smiles slightly. She’s well aware of how protective Ed can be. If Mustang is really hurt she almost feels sorry for what he must be going through now, though, as amusing as that thought may be it only partially answers her questions.
“What about the rest?” Riza look turns grim and Winry doesn’t miss how she’s no longer meeting her eyes. “Riza, what happened? The telegram said that the General’s guard was—”
“It was an unexpected assassination attempt in what should have been a secured area.” Riza’s voice grows harder and it’s obvious she’s angry at something that wasn’t done the way she wanted. Over the years Winry’s learned to read her well and she doesn’t look guilty, just angry. “The guard with him, Nathan, he was young and not as experienced as I would have liked. It shouldn’t have happened the way it did but he held his post and—”
“And it could have been you!” Winry’s words are shrill even to her own ears and she doesn’t miss how Riza flinches back. That’s why she wasn’t meeting her eyes. She knows if she’d been the one with Mustang…. “It would’ve been you! Wouldn’t it? If you’d been the one with him it would have been—”
“You can’t know that, Win.” Riza finally turns her eyes toward Winry and the few feet between them suddenly feels like miles. “I’m more experienced. I could have—”
“You would have protected him! Just like before.” Winry motions to Riza’s automail left arm and nearly regrets it when Riza’s face falls. But she doesn’t. It’s true. Riza would die for Mustang and they both know it. “That could have been you. And next time you may not be the one coming home to give me the news!”
“Win, please.” Riza moves toward her but Winry has to turn away. She can’t see that sorrowful look in her eyes that changes nothing. Winry knows she’s sorry, she always has been every time she’s had to follow duty and walk away. The only problem now is sorry may not be enough. “Winry….”
Riza’s hand rest on her shoulder with the obvious intention of turning her around, but she doesn’t. Instead she just keeps it there, an entreating touch, but not demanding. She knows Winry much too well and even now it surprises her how much better Riza knows her than Ed ever did. But it still doesn’t change one important fact.
“I can’t do this anymore, Riza. I can’t. Soon enough you’ll be walking away again, leaving me here waiting and worrying and I can’t do it. Not anymore.” How long has she wanted to say those words? It seems like more than half her life. She’s always been here, waiting, hoping, praying nothing happened to the ones she loves. But now it’s different. Riza’s more and she can’t stand by and watch her walk away again. Winry feels the hand fall from her shoulder and hears the soft intake of breath behind her, but she has to do this. There’s no other way.
“Win, please….” The next words are even softer and Winry looks over her shoulder just in time to see Riza’s amber eyes shining with unshed tears as she speaks. “I can’t….”
And she knows. Winry’s always known and for the longest time that stinging rejection hurt so bad it was almost too much to live with. It was one thing for Ed to breeze in and out of her life, but it’s always been different with Riza. She understood her, even from day one when she was nothing but an angry girl Riza understood her and saw her for what she was. She still cherishes the day Riza walked into her shop back in Rush Valley and changed their lives forever. It’s the reason she has to do this. There’s no other way.
“I know,” Winry says softly and turns to face her completely. Riza’s eyes widen in obvious sorrow but still Winry holds firm because she understands her better than Riza probably even realizes. She’s known for a long time now exactly what her duty to Mustang and the military really means. It defines her, it’s her mission in life that she can’t do without but it has absolutely nothing to do with how much she loves Winry. It took a while, but one day when Winry was laying in her arms and listening to her softly murmured stories filled with excitement she couldn’t hide, even if were about something that should’ve been mundane, Winry finally understood.
Asking her to leave the military would be like someone asking Winry to never touch automail again. That’s why she’d never take it away from her. To do so would make Riza not Riza. Sure she’d be safer and finally be able to be with her and her alone. But she’d lose a part of herself that could never be replaced. Winry understands that better than anyone because she’s already faced it. She faced it when she couldn’t leave Rush Valley due to her booming business then later when she returned here to care for Granny before her death. She had to do those things even though they took her from the woman she loves. And that’s exactly why she needs to do this now.
“Win, please….” Riza’s voice is shaky, broken in a way Winry’s never heard and that’s when she realizes she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t know. “Are you saying…that we…that us….”
Winry closes the distance between them in an instant and reaches up with both hands to cup her face. Tears instantly spill down Riza’s cheeks and Winry brushes them away with her thumbs as she leans closer to touch their foreheads together. Why is she always so bad at this? She presses a tender kiss to Riza’s lips and doesn’t miss the soft whimper she makes. How could she possibly love her more? That fact alone solidifies her decision and she knows it’s one she’ll never regret.
“Of course not.” She kisses her softly again and smiles as her thumbs glide over her cheeks lightly. “I’m saying I can’t watch you walk away again.”
“But….” Riza pulls back, confusion and anguish clearly in her eyes. “Win, I told you, I can’t….”
“I know, Riza.” Winry reaches out and brushes a stray lock of hair out of her eyes then glides her hand down her cheek. “I’ve always known that and that’s why…I’ve decided to come with you.” Riza gasps and Winry smiles slowly. “The military does still accept civilian contractors, right?”
To say Riza looks stunned is an understatement. Hope sparkles in her eyes even as she shakes her head in denial. Winry expected this, but it doesn’t matter. Her mind is made up. Any potential unstable area or any place with lots of soldiers stationed is always in need of good automail mechanics. And besides, it’s about time Riza didn’t have to travel so far for her own maintenance.
“No, Win, you can’t. You don’t need to do that. I know how you feel about the military, how you’ve always felt.” She reaches up to take Winry’s hand in her cool, automail one and gives it a light squeeze. The delicate touch warms Winry inside and she’ll always be proud she could make her whole again. Now it’s time to do the same for herself. “I can’t ask you to do this for me.”
Winry grins and laughs softly as she tugs her closer again. “You aren’t. Riza, this isn’t just for you. It’s for me.” Riza’s eyes lock on Winry’s and her eyes narrow with suspicion. Winry knows the look well and she smiles back so she can see Winry’s not trying to deceive her. “This is what my parents did, remember? They weren’t part of the military either, and I’ve come to understand…they did what they did together because they felt it was right, just like I do.” Riza tilts her head skeptically and Winry reaches for her other hand as well and squeezes them both. “You’ve taught me a lot about soldiers, Riza. More than you know, and even if I don’t always agree with the military I know that there will always be people, soldiers like you, who need people like me. The fact it means I’ll be closer to you is only a bonus.”
Riza’s eyes widen and in only the space of a breath Winry sees the change. She believes her. She understands just like Winry knew she would. It’s been so hard and lonely here in Resembool without Granny and even with the times Riza came here to be with her it still wasn’t enough. For a while she thought it was a need to return to Rush Valley, but she really wasn’t looking to train more apprentices or make a name for herself. She’s done that. All she needed was to find a way to make a difference and now she knows she has and it’s all thanks to this amazing woman. Without her she’d have never considered working with the military but now, in her heart, she knows this is what she was always meant to do.
“You really do mean it, don’t you?” Winry nods and the smile that breaks out across Riza’s face takes her breath away. It’s taken a long time for them to get here but now that they are Winry couldn’t ask for more. Yes, this choice could one day put them both in danger, but like her parents must have felt, it’s a risk she’s willing to take with the one she loves by her side.
“Yes, I do. Now, tell me….” Winry’s eyes sparkle mischievously in a way she knows only Riza has ever seen. “How long do we have before you need to head back?”
“I managed to get two days this ti—”
“Good. That means we have a good day and a half before we need to start packing.” Winry shoots her a devilish look Riza instantly returns as Winry tugs on her hand and turns for the stairs. It’s been an emotional ringer of a day and right now she can’t wait to curl up in Riza’s arms with nothing at all between them. Then she plans on taking full advantage of having the house all to themselves for as long as they can.
“That sounds like a plan to me.” Riza follows close behind as they take the stairs and her soft, happy laughter causes Winry’s heart to lighten even more as she looks back at her. “You realize Ed will probably be pouting for weeks when he hears about this.”
Winry laughs and shakes her head even though she knows Riza is probably right. “Yeah, he’ll probably think I’m just doing it to check on him.” Winry stops as she reaches her bedroom and turns to wrap her arms around Riza’s waist. “But it’s high time you got to have a little fun off duty as well. He and Roy will just have to deal with the fact you won’t be taking all the extra shifts anymore.”
Riza laughs and slides her arms around Winry as she backs her into the bedroom. She kisses her lips then kisses a trail down to her neck as she actually giggles. “I do like the way you think, Win. I always have. About time those two learned their place.”
Winry laughs as they hit the bed and a peace unlike any she’s ever known washes over her. It’s been a long time since she’s felt she’s done something so right and even though it will be a huge change for her, she’s looking forward to it. She presses her lips to Riza in a sweet kiss full of love and tenderness and she can’t wait to finally begin a life with her because together, there’s nothing they can’t do.