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This can't be happening, not again Hany thought to himself he wished he had stayed unconscious instead of scoring another own goal in the span of four games the rest of the game was a haze to him his body could barely take it he had been through hell those past 90 minutes but he didn't care about that all he cared about was not losing...not having to carry the burden of taking away a whole country's happiness with one dumb mistake, denying his teammates the win they truly deserve...he forgot every time he saved his team from a goal that would have guaranteed their loss, every time he got knocked down trying to save them from an inevitable bad ending...all he could remember now is that one wrong goal he scored, every bad scenario went through his head in the span of half an hour he started thinking about how he'd be done for if they lost, how would people react, how would his coach react and most importantly how would his teammates react...he couldn't help but think how would Mostafa react..this is the second time he had to try to prevent a shot from his own teammate, he'd seen everywhere online how people are praising him, how they think he's one of the best goalkeepers in the world cup he was worried that he would be the reason people would start criticizing him instead...he couldn't prevent two goals from his teammate...the same teammate, he couldn't take the guilt..all those thoughts were consuming him that he could barely hear the referee's whistle declaring the end of extra time...penalty shootout, either a good ending or his worst nightmare, he trusts his teammates, he fully believes they all could easily score...he also trusted Mostafa to block their opponents' goals but deep down he still had some doubts, nothing is certain what if something unplanned happened and they didn't win? He didn't wanna think about it, all he could do was close his eyes and pray with everything in him that they make it...that he doesn't carry the guilt of robbing his country the chance to win its first knockout match for the rest of his life, time passed in slow motion he didn't realize what was happening until his teammates started cheering and hugging each other...they won...he doesn't have to be buried in his guilt for the rest of his life...he should be happy, relieved..then why does he feel suffocated? He followed his team to the changing room everyone was dancing, celebrating their very first knockout match win, he tried to join them he really did but he couldn't shake the uneasy feeling of shame, failure, disappointment what made it even worse is how Mostafa clenched his jaw whenever he looked his way, he could tell he was mad...why wouldn't he be? This is the second time he made a joke out of him, he had every right to be furious.
"So that's it then, huh? Every time I'd score a goal you'd make it even by scoring an own goal?" Emam said to him laughing, he knew he was joking but he felt his guilt growing stronger.
"Yeah sorry about that hopefully that's the last time." he said with a smile that didn't really reach his eyes hoping Emam wouldn't notice, thankfully Emam was too euphoric to notice anything other than his teammates celebrating he just just laughed and went to join them and Hany was left again with his thoughts he barely noticed his teammates' celebrations getting quieter when he looked up he found himself alone, he took a deep breath and pushed himself up to change, he can feel sorry for himself all he wants back in his hotel room as he was about to take off his t-shirt he heard footsteps behind him...it was the last person he wanted to see right now, his captain...his friend..his role model he knew he must be disappointed in him, he didn't wanna see the look on his face, he thought he was a failure he just couldn't take the thought of Salah thinking that too.
"You okay?" Salah asked.
"Yeah yeah I'm fine just tired." Hany said avoiding eye contact.
"You didn't celebrate with us."
"Yeah as I said I'm tired." Hany didn't mean to be rude he never does he just needed to end this conversation before his body betrays him and he breaks down.
"This is about your goal, isn't it?" Hany felt a lump in his throat, he couldn't even bring himself to respond cause he knew the second he does he wouldn't be able to stop his tears "do you have any idea how many times you saved our asses today?" He still didn't say anything he just looked down in silence "if this is the price of you performing as good as you did today then please score an own goal every game." Hany could hear in his captain's voice that he was smiling, he knew he was joking he just couldn't bring himself to crack a smile "can you at least look at me I feel like I'm talking to myself." Hany finally looked up he could feel tears running down his cheeks as much as he tried to 'man up' and stop them he couldn't "okay look you can cry as much as you want you have every right to be angry at yourself but at least listen to what I have to say, okay?" Hany finally nodded "good...do you have any idea what you went through today? You literally passed out on the field and you still sacrificed your own health cause you knew we needed you, you could have easily asked not to continue the game but you didn't so if you're gonna forget all of that just because of one stupid mistake then you're an absolute moron" Salah said smiling.
"I disappointed everyone, I disappointed our people, I disappointed our coach, I disappointed our team and I disappointed you." Hany said with a heavy heart.
"You didn't disappoint me neither did you disappoint anyone, people forget, do you think anyone care about what happened in the game? No they don't all they care about is that we won, people are celebrating everywhere in Egypt it's all over social media, you're a big reason for this happiness, enjoy that, allow yourself to be proud of that...believe me I'm proud to be your captain." Salah's words had a big effect on Hany, he needed to hear that from his captain, he needed the reassurance and he needed to know he's not a failure so it was no surprise when he impulsively gave him a hug, Salah smiled and patted him on the back "now would you please stop feeling sorry for yourself and come join us?"
"Yeah yeah okay I'll get changed and follow you." Hany said finally managing to smile Salah gave him a nod and left as Hany finally took off his t-shirt he was interrupted.
"Sorry I thought no one was in here." Mostafa said and was about to leave when Hany stopped him.
"Wait! Can we maybe talk?" Mostafa didn't respond he just moved closer to Hany and kept looking at him, his eyes betrayed him and moved down Hany's body but he managed to get himself back in check "I'm sorry." Hany said softly.
"For what?" Mostafa asked, no reaction shown on his face.
"For what I did out there, for my goal."
"It's fine." Mostafa said calmly.
"No it's not you're clearly mad and you have every right to be so please don't do that...don't dismiss me shout at me, call me names I don't care just don't do that please...don't lie to me." Hany's tears started rolling down his cheeks again but this time it was more intense, more raw...more pathetic.
"Okay fine you want the truth? Yes I'm mad I'm fucking furious." he said with a clenched jaw.
"I know I know and I'm sorry I'm so sorry I know I'm a fucking failure but please forgive me I don't- I don't want you to be mad at me...I can't take it, please." Hany said crying uncontrollably, his vision was blurry he couldn't see Mostafa's reaction he just hoped it wasn't disappointment.
"You're a fucking dumbass, you know that?" Mostafa shouted "you really think I'm mad at you for a dumb goal?" Hany sniffled.
"Then wh-why are you mad?"
"Because you don't know when to stop...you never did..do you have any idea how I felt when I saw you passed out on the field? I felt so fucking helpless...I couldn't even come to check on you...do you have any idea how fucking painful that felt?" Mostafa kept shouting, it was clear he felt frustrated he didn't wanna hurt Hany but he couldn't control his emotions anymore.
"I-"
"You're what? Sorry? Do you think that's what I need? An apology? God you're so infuriating...you know what made me fucking lose it? You insisting to keep playing...you know selfish that is? Putting yourself in danger just so we don't lose? You think a stupid game is more important than your life?" Hany wiped his tears and finally saw Mostafa's reaction it wasn't disappointment not even anger...it was helplessness, he looked helpless "I-" Mostafa's voice started cracking "I can't lose you." he said not shouting anymore "I can't." Hany was left speechless not knowing how to react, all this time he thought Mostafa was mad at him for the goal but he read the situation all wrong, he felt even more guilty now he can't believe he made him feel that way...he had to continue the game with those feelings he was alone with his thoughts in front of the net trying his best to do what he had to do, he couldn't take a break, he had to keep going for his team, for his country..Hany couldn't comprehend how hard that must have felt nor did he want to.
"I'm sorry." it was all Hany he could say.
"Stop apologizing." Mostafa shouted again.
"I'm sorry."
"I said stop!"
"I'm so-" before Hany could get the word out of his mouth he felt Mostafa's lips on his, he didn't realize what was going on at first but when he did he kissed him back, he knew what they were doing was wrong but he couldn't bring himself to stop, he didn't know that was exactly what he needed, he never realized it, always dismissed his feelings cause it can't be, he can't have feelings for his teammate...for him...it's not possible...not allowed...then why did he feel all his pain fading away the second their lips touched?
"I'm sorry." this time Mostafa was the one apologizing "I shouldn’t have done that." but he couldn't help it Hany looked so vulnerable standing there half naked with tears covering his cheeks "let's pretend this never happened." he was about to leave but Hany grabbed his hand.
"No please...please don't go." Mostafa looked back at him "do you really regret it?" He asked and Mostafa shook his head slowly "then please don't say that, I don't wanna pretend it never happened...do you?" Mostafa shook his head again "good..good..look I don't care what happens when we get out of here I just wanna cherish this moment for as long as I could...can we please do that? Can we stay like this for a while?" Hany said pleading with his eyes.
"Oh screw it." Mostafa cupped his face and started kissing him again this time more intensely like he was trying to remember every inch of his mouth cause he knew this might be the last time he tastes him "I love you" Mostafa mumbled "I love you too" Hany said back with tears in his eyes.