Work Text:
Context: this happens after the events of March of the Oni (og ninjago season 10)
The music was loud. The party had been going on for three hours at this point, they needed some joy. It was past midnight, but they didn’t care about the noise they were making as they were in a flying boat high above the city.
Lloyd had been partying a bit before he silently left the other ninjas. He often didn’t really feel like amusing himself. The last months had been… Tiring. Between the story with Harumi, his father, and the Oni… He often needed some time alone to process everything. He was leaning on the fence on the edge of the ship, lost in thoughts while looking at Ninjago city from above. All the small lights from cars, windows and streetlamps were mesmerizing. All these lights that so many times threatened to shut off and never turn on again.
He didn’t say a word as Nya silently joined him on the edge of the floating boat, although he appreciated the company. They grew closer after the events with Garmadon and Harumi, when they almost only had each-other. Lloyd wasn’t sure if he would have survived everything without Nya. Actually, he knew that he wouldn’t have. These kinds of things were hard to say out loud, but Nya understood him without needing words. So she looked at the city with him, lost in similar memories.
---- About one year ago ----
Lloyd was wide awake in the middle of the night. He had rarely been this tired, but he didn’t want to fall asleep. Because then, he would have to wake up and live through another day. And he really didn’t want to. Not in this shitty basement with smells of trash. Not in this city where everything was falling apart. Not in this life, where his beloved father was actively trying to destroy him, where he was powerless, where the first person he ever liked violently betrayed him, and every one of his mistakes were just staring back at him. Not when every day was a fight for freedom and life, far away from most of his friends and his master and uncle. Everything hurt, like a knife was constantly stuck in his back, everyday getting a bit deeper. He was feeling it even when the resistance was around him, even when they where training. It just became more discrete but the pain was always there. The more he tried to move away, the more violent the sensation got.
He was trapped.
A car passed in the streets contrasting with the silence of the night. A mouse squeaked in the walls. Nothing new. That’s just how sounded like, now. Lloyd was on the upper floor of the garbage men’s basement, leaning on the fence and looking down at the ring on which he was training everyday. The view made him slightly sick but he couldn’t get himself to move.
All his memories where blurred together in his head, and swirling around him with a constant uncomfortable noise. The snakes, Morro, Harumi, his father, the ninjas, his family. Everything was... disappointing to him, like all of his life had only been a succession of bad pointless events. The light he had carried, giving him hope, that he could feel so vividly before, was gone. And with it, all sense of right and wrong, and all trust in himself. Now everything in his mind felt like it was covered with a dark cloth. Everything that had happened recently was just too much, they were the events that finally broke him. He was vividly conscious of it, but at the same time he didn’t want to heal.
All of these memories and sensations constantly boiled down to one thought : it was all his fault. He was bad, wrong, and he would always fail. Why did people trust him so much, when he didn’t even had the strength to get up in the morning ? It didn’t make sense. They should follow someone strong, like Nya or Skylor. How could he ever trust himself to save Ninjago if deep down, he couldn’t even gather the strength to want to try ?
Lloyd didn’t realize it at first, but his nails starting digging in the skin of his hands. When he noticed, he kept digging them deeper. The pain was strangely comfortable, in a way. It felt right, like he deserved it. The confusing thoughts and feelings weighted on him a bit more, slowly suffocating him. He wanted to cry but couldn’t. He wanted to scream but hated himself for it. It was like there was no way out, like he would feel like this forever. Most days, Lloyd could keep his dead above the waters. But right now, it felt impossible. A twisted voice in his head kept screaming to him how much of a horrible, stupid, useless person he was. So he started to believe that he deserved to hurt.
He needed to stop this. Every second started to feel worse than the previous, how far could this sensation go ? Lloyd slowly walked to the bathroom with a strange mix of gut and despair twisting his guts. He knew he shouldn’t do this, but the pressure was to heavy. And the twisted voice in his head whispered him that he deserved to get some off, even if this was the only way. So he opened the drawer and took a small, shining blade. The thoughts were so heavy and loud. It became obvious to him that he couldn’t live with them a minute longer. It wouldn’t hurt much, Lloyd told himself. It wouldn’t be enough to really hurt him. It wouldn’t even be noticeable. Maybe he wanted it to be noticeable, to his pain to the people around him, but he couldn’t let himself realize that. All that he knew, was that somehow he deserved it.
~~~
The morning sun was shining through the windows at the top of the basement.
Lloyd was staring at the vivid red marks on his arms with a blank mind. He felt a wave of shame and rapidly put his sleeve down as he heard someone coming in his direction. Lloyd’s head hurt, he managed to sleep but not enough. Nya walked by and softly smiled at him when she saw him, and Lloyd suddenly felt a tight knot forming in his guts. She put her hands on her hips and slightly tilted her head, looking at him.
- So, ready to train today ? Nya started. She scratched her head. I… Know it’s hard to get in the mood but… We’ll go slowly, alright ?
Lloyd swallowed his saliva a bit loudly as he felt even worse.
- Y… yeah, He answered, I’m ready.
Lloyd’s voice soundly slightly determined at the end of his sentence. Nya seemed to appreciate that as her smile grew brighter.
- Alright… She said with a defiant voice, now show me what you’ve got !
She got in a fighting posture, prepared to receive an attack. That’s slowly ? Lloyd thought, although he wasn’t surprised : it was Nya after all. So he took a deep breath, prepared himself to fight, and ran to the water ninja.
The fight wasn’t their best one, after all they just woke up, but it was dynamic and, Lloyd admitted it, not unpleasant to move his body. To this realization, that bad sensation in his guts grew stronger, making him slightly nauseous. He knew what this was about ; he was feeling terribly guilty. How could he hurt himself, hidden from everyone else, when the person he considered his sister was every day tirelessly trying to make him feel better. Even if he felt sad and lost, it wasn’t like him to act this way.
Nya noticed the subtle change in Lloyd’s mood.
- Is something wrong ? She asked, with a concerned tone.
The guilt crushed Lloyd and he gave up on trying to find some convincing lie to throw at her. He couldn’t do anything else than stare at his arms, even if they were covered by his green clothes, he knew exactly what it looked like below. He put one of his hands on his opposing arm and then just looked at the ground, feeling defeated. He heard Nya’s slight gasp. He heard her moving. She understood what happened, didn’t she ? Of course, she was so smart.
Nya started speaking slowly as the walked to him.
- Lloyd. It’s... it’s alright. Everything has been… Difficult and I… I can’t really imagine…
Lloyd sometimes hated that his emotions were so obvious to others. But this time, he felt more stupid than anything. He started to be angry at himself, but not like last night. No, more like he wanted to give himself a good punch in the face so that his brain-cells would connect again and he would stop acting like such an idiot. He wasn’t alone in this dammit ! He couldn’t let everyone down. And whatever this voice was trying to convince him of last night must be wrong.
- I know. Lloyd admitted, cutting Nya’s struggle with words, and he marked a pause before finally gathering the courage to look up to her. I’ve been having a… a… a harder time than usual.
Nya looked at him with compassion. She wasn’t the best at comforting others, but her experience in life taught her that usually, the best thing to do is in these situations is to listen.
Lloyd took a second to remind himself that her empathy did not mean pity. That she only wanted to help him.
- Sometimes… I feel like I just can’t. He continued. Really, like I can’t to anything. Everything just… Hurts. It’s like… I’m actively working against myself. I’ve never felt like that before.
The words were difficult to put out at first, but as he kept speaking he started to feel lighter and lighter. Before Nya could answer anything, he finished :
- So, uh. Thank you for being here. I mean it. I… I… I won’t give up on this. He put his head up and showed room filled with resistance members who were preparing for another difficult day. Really, I won’t.
Nya hugged him.
After a few seconds, Lloyd let himself relax in her sudden embrace.
- I’m… I’m not feeling good as well. She admitted, with a trembling voice that Lloyd never heard from her before. I… We… This is the hardest we’ve ever been through, isn’t it ?
As she stepped back too look at him, he noticed her eyes shining despite the small smile she was harboring. How could he be so blind.
But then, her soft expression transformed into her usual unimpressed look.
- But seriously, I’m here for you Lloyd, really. She squinted her eyes and pointed her finger to his chest. And I’m watching you.
He couldn't help but chuckle softly.
- I understand now. I’m sorry… for making you worried. And for how… I didn’t want to hear everything you tried to tell me. Lloyd admitted with a small smile. I… I do stupid things sometimes.
They looked at each-other for some time, not really knowing what to say.
- You’re growing, young master. Mistake’s voice startled the two ninjas.
She took a look at both of them before continuing.
- It might not be visible on the outside, but inside you, it’s growing. She pointed her cane to the green ninja’s chest. The flame of life that you carried on was never gone. It was only hiding. And I know that you realize it now.
Lloyd smiled brighter, not really surprised by her insights anymore. Then he looked at Nya, and for the first time in his life, he felt extremely grateful that he had her as a sister.
---- Present day ----
Lloyd had been deep in his thoughts for weeks, digging and digging, putting things in order, and pitying himself quite a lot. Everything he’d live left a mark on him that wouldn’t go away easily. It was hard, but now he knew : he was not alone. And that changed everything. That made a difference between people like Harumi and people like him.
- You know, Nya, Lloyd started, I think I need some change.
Nya looked at him with a suspicious face.
- That’s something I didn’t think I’d heard from you, she said.
Lloyd smiles and takes some time to breath and admire the view before continuing.
- You’ve all been telling me this, and I admit : you’re right. I need a vacation.
Nya laughed slightly
- Haha, yess ! She screamed. I’ve already got some ideas. Wait, I’m telling the others !
She ran back to the party and jumped in Jay’s arms. She started telling things to the other ninjas that Lloyd couldn’t hear from here. He took a last glimpses at the city. The television tower was right below them. That’s were he fought his father. He will never forget this day. But this day was in the past. Now, he needed to think about the future. And maybe it could be brighter than he imagined before.
So, he joined the party again.