Work Text:
Early Quiet, Year 3
Instance looked at Solana, fidgeting uncomfortably in the chair facing her. She wasn’t much of a people person, and especially not that good with kids, but Solana wasn’t hard to read. She was in profound distress. Hard to blame her.
Instance went over her file. It’s long, for a twelve-year-old. At age ten, she suffered cranial trauma during the wormhole crossing. Less than a month after her release, she’d been hospitalized again after experiencing delusions and panic attacks. A year later, she had started claiming to be “reliving her life over and over again”, expressing great anxiety regarding the future. She had, at the time, accepted to receive antipsychotic treatment. It didn’t work, but some of her anxiety and general emotional irregularities waned thanks to therapy with Congruence and general rest, at least for a time.
That same year, in late Wet, she accidentally poisoned Tonin. Correction: she was deliberate in dosing his blep tea with sleep medicine – the accident was almost killing him. When probed as to why, she broke down saying she saw him die in her dreams. A month later, during Glow, she ignored evacuation directives and almost died in the Engineering Wing, brutally maimed by the same beast that killed Professor Hal before her eyes. Her parents reported to Instance that she later said she “just knew he’d be in danger”.
Instance gauged Solana again. It was evidently taking her great effort to not start crying.
“I know this is not…comfortable for you. But we’re going to have to resume treatment. Try some stuff out. I have received authorization from your parents to do so.”
“…Instance?”
“Yes?”
“…it can’t be real, right? My dreams…”
“No. It can’t.”
“So why do I keep seeing them? I- I- I think I saw professor Hal die, and then he DID die, and- and- and- and what’s the point if I can’t stop it? Dad says it’s like, something about feeling in control, but I don’t! I just feel like I’m running out of time, and everyone’s gonna die, and- and- and-“
“I don’t really know the exact mechanism you’re going through, but-“
“You gotta make them go!”
“…we will, don’t worry.”
“Please, you have to. I’m scared to sleep, I can’t even tell which ones are bad anymore, and- and- and even if they’re real, I don’t wanna see them! It’s awful and scary and- and- it’s EVERYWHERE! And all the time!”
She had fully broken apart crying, by now. Instance knelt down to her level, putting a hand on her shoulder.
“We’ll figure something out.”
Mid Quiet, Year 3
Sol was lying in the medbed. It wasn’t super confortable, because she had all those…thingies. White sticky thingies, on her head, with a cable that goes to a machine. Couldn’t remember the word. Thing that monitors the brain. Solana’s memory was…fuzzy. Sometimes she kind of forgot what day it was. What some words were. Things that happened not too long ago. It’s been like that since…hard to tell. Instance told her she had a big operation, recently, and that’s why her mind was all weird.
Apparently, she had been doing really, really bad as of late. Something about awful dreams that were making her super scared. She vaguely remembered being scared, but not about what. And she didn’t remember any dream she had. Weird.
She felt…fine, she guessed. A bit hard to focus. A bit tired. A bit…disoriented. Nothing too serious. Honestly, she was mostly just bored. But apparently, it was very important she stayed under observation until it’s sure the process went okay.
Her mum and dad had been visiting her. They looked very relieved. Solana was curious about how bad she must’ve been doing to put them in such a state. Her dad had told her details on what she had been going through. Something about thinking she saw the future, or past lives, or something like that. And apparently that mostly meant bad stuff. That felt…vaguely familiar? But kinda nonsense, anyway.
She was starting to recover some recent memories. She remembered Professor Hal’s death. She didn’t like to think about it. It made her very sad, and…shaky, inside.
Instance said this brain thingy she did should leave her a bit weird until she had stabilized everything. But presumably, eventually it’ll all be good and normal-
Mid Wet, Year 5
Solana was so hungry. It took her determination to not chow down on whatever she found in the Valley of Vertigo. Just tag it, grab it, bring it to the depot. And her latest find was this weird…well, she initially thought it was soil, but it smelled very weird. Like cake, almost.
…
She got a little…weird sensation at the back of her mind. Couldn’t put her finger on it.
Ah well. She took a sample out of that weird fungus. If she had time to kill by the xenobotany lab, maybe she can get something out of it? Could be enough to-
Late Wet, Year 5
Her dad held her tight. She couldn’t stop crying. Worse, she was still fucking starving.
And now her mom was gone.
She couldn’t do enough. She was just so tired, strained by hunger, limited by time.
Glow, Year 5
There was an awful ringing in her ears. All of her body hurt. A horrible drum-beat from the Faceless’ steps ran through her, making it worse.
She regretted opening her eyes.
Kombucha was dead. Broken like a twig.
Early Quiet, Year 6
She felt so useless.
So many were dead. Everything she ever knew was broken. Everything her mum built.
…for some weird reason, it felt familiar. She couldn’t pinpoint where that feeling comes from.
She just spent most of the month crying.
Early Pollen, Year 6
It felt like the Helio’s arrival should have made things okay. But Solana still felt so hollow inside. At least some of the new people were nice. But she’s been having issues opening conversations, as of late.
Her dad wasn’t looking better in Pollen, by the way. Famine took its toll on him, so his constitution was as weak as ever.
…should be fine, should be fine, should be-
Early Pollen, Year 7
She was sitting outside the medbay. Still, stiff, eyes wide open.
Instance walked out, rubbing her neck. She looked sorry.
“…he’s gone.”
Solana hugged herself, growing stiffer, digging nails into her arms, trying to master the sobs welling up in her throat.
Useless, useless, useless-
Vertumnalia, Year 7
Solana didn’t attend. She joined Dys on the rampart.
She was done. She was just…fucking done. It sounded like nothing when people tried to comfort her. Her quarters felt ashen and hollow.
She’d been going on expeditions a lot, as of late. It made her feel normal, somehow. It didn’t feel like bouncing around holes and carcasses of places where people she loved should have been. She has been spending time in Engineering, too. Helping in the medbay. Maybe If she’d done that earlier, her father would still be here.
She didn’t sleep at home much.
Mid Dust, Year 8
It felt like she should have grown back up. But she still felt empty inside, so often.
She didn’t speak to a lot of people. Only Tangent, because she was in Engineering a lot. And Dys, because…Dys felt right. Dys felt like he understands. Dys made sense.
Also, she talked to Sym. Encounter of a lifetime. He was weird, and a bit creepy, and yet…so kind, in ways that matter. She could have used him, before. It was like the comforting abnormality of Dys, but with actual comfort skills. She felt better when she’s with him.
Early Wet, Year 8
Solana wasn’t stupid. She knew she was depressed. Things were stable, and yet, she…she felt static. Sluggish.
She had an idea, however. She’d contemplated the possibility of tinkering with her DNA, as of late. She’d figured out how – not that difficult, mind you. When checking her own genome, she noticed she was compatible with the Absorbent Brain augment.
She figured, maybe if she altered it ever so slightly, as to not only increase her ability to intake new information, but also…repair some neural pathways. Could help with her depression.
Early Quiet, Year 9
“Instance?”
“Yes, Solana?”
“…I think I’m having dreams again.”
“What? What kind? Since when?”
“…last Glow. Bad ones. I think I dreamt I was a monster. Eating the walls, dying to rifle fire.”
“Shit. How’s your waking mood? Your anxiety?”
“I…I don’t know. I feel weird. Very weird.”
“Hmm. Take notes of anything that feels abnormal, with dates. Could be a fluke event, but…we might as well be cautious.”
Late Quiet, Year 9
“…hey, Instance? When I was twelve, and I had that…that really bad time. What exactly did you do to make me feel better?”
“Oh, I guess I never came around to explaining the whole procedure, uh? Well, are you familiar with the Absorbent Brain augment?”
“I am.”
“I, essentially, implemented the opposite of that. Something that cordoned off the sections of your brain related to dreams, preventing your conscious mind from taking in the mess that was spewing from it.”
“Hm. Interesting.”
Instance knew Solana had been tinkering with her DNA, but not exactly what exactly she had done.
And Solana was definitely not about to tell her now.
Mid Pollen, Year 9
Solana woke up in the Wormhole Observatory. Her head didn’t hurt anymore. Kind of a miracle, all things considered. Given what she’d just saw.
Time…so fragile, so…scattered. Everywhere. All at once.
She told Dys everything. No point hiding things from him. Dys understood.
And while explaining it, putting it into words…something struck her mind.
…she remembered that…that feeling of…great mass of time, infinite times the same thing, over and over again…
That was what her dreams had been like. Before Instance’s treatment.
…they were real. They were actually real.
Dys understood that too.
But a horrible thought crept through her mind.
Early Dust, Year 9
“Are you sure you should be back here, sugarbug?”
Sym tried to reason with her. Interfacing with the Observatory didn’t do her wonders last time. Well, she was fine afterwards, but it was still a grueling process.
“I have to check something, Sym.”
She had found herself dreaming again, since last time. Whatever process her modified DIY brain augment had started, that thing had catalyzed it. And…and…
And she thought she dreamt of her parents.
She couldn’t take the thought out of her mind.
Sym didn’t manage to dissuade her. She got all the way down in the center of the Observatory. The journey hurt a little, but nowhere as much as last time. Getting down on that strange slab, even less so.
She felt…something unlock in her. She had that same feeling of seeing everything, but much shorter, nowhere near as potent. But she still recognized…something.
She sat up on the slab, her eyes wide.
“What’s wrong, sugarbug?”
Solana didn’t answer. She tried to get back up, but she instantly tripped. Sym got to her side, but she still didn’t register his presence. Some part of her vaguely felt his hands on her arm and shoulder, but that’s it. The rest of her consciousness could only feel a burning heat in her throat and lungs. Quakes going through her limbs. A strange dizziness taking over her. The outside world was ceasing to exist – it was only HER. And her thoughts.
“Solana. Tell me what’s wrong.”
She started hyperventilating, but managed to utter:
“I…I…I remember how it was before.
I was terrified. Petrified. I was seeing so much, all of it was awful...
I just wanted it gone. Even if it was true…after Hal, I thought I couldn’t stop it…even though I did stop Tammy and Tonin…
I was drowning. I just wanted it gone.”
“...your future-sight? What do you mean-“
“My real future-sight. Not the crumbs I’ve been having as of late. My memories.”
“…”
She brought her hands to her hands, clawing at her hair. Her eyes were darting widely, unable to focus on anything.
“I…no, no, no, they’re still…still crumbs, now. Only that thing works in…making me see something specific. And…and…”
“What did you see?”
“…they lived. In other…lives. Mom…dad…”
“Ah.”
Two images no amount of treatment, lackluster focus, or distraction would ever make her forget. A gaunt, hollowed out Flulu, lying in the dirt like a dead tree. A rotting, prismatic-scarred Geranium, barely holding on long enough to hold her hand.
Sol started crying.
“…it is unfortunate that you’re then stuck in this timeline, sugarbug. But I’m sure-“
“I killed them.”
“What?”
“They lived the other times because I knew what to do. That must be it. I- I- I must’ve known, somehow, how to process that stupid spongecake, how to…I’d have known to take Shimmer seriously, I’d have…I’d have…I’d have known. If I kept my dreams.”
Sym grasped the gravity of the situation. Of what Sol was saying. He immediately pulled her into a hug, as she continued crying. She was completely limp, now. It was a miracle she still mustered the focus and effort to wail:
“Mom…dad…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…I…I…”
Sol had told Sym what had happened to them. He had been one of her sole confidents and source of comfort, as of late. He chose to endorse that role once more:
“It wasn’t your fault, sugarbug. You couldn’t have-“
“I COULD HAVE! I could have if I hadn’t been a fucking coward! If I hadn’t…all these other versions of me figured it out! But I was too weak, and scared and stupid, and now, and now they’re dead! Because…I wasn’t strong enough.”
He let her cry in her arms for a few minutes before attempting anything. To let the tears run out. To let her turmoil calm down. Just a little. By the end, she was all curled up, trying to make herself so small, retreating from everything. Her breath was still hiccupped.
“…it’s not your fault. You were a hurt child, saddled and burdened with too much. Who didn’t get helped in the way she really needed. It never should have been your responsibility to bear. Or your mistake to make. It’s not your fault.”
Her voice was barely above a whisper:
“…it doesn’t matter. They’re dead because I didn’t save them. Doesn’t matter how you cut it.”
“It’s a lot to ask of a child, don’t you think?”
“The other Sols did it. But I guess I’m just the screw-up.”
“…you know, I don’t always like my future-sight either. And I don’t have to deal with anything like what you had to. I don’t know if I would have done much better.”
“…”
“It’s not your fault, all right?”
Mid Quiet 10
“Are you sure, sugarbug?”
Dys’s metamorphosis had already began – he was in his vat, his biology being slowly broken apart by the goo, figuring out what made him tick, what made him himself.
Sol was standing next to a second vat, eyes lost to the void.
“I mean…I’d love to have you as part of us. I’m quite fond of you, and I can’t guarantee Noctilucent isn’t going to…wrap up with the colony eventually, even with you inside it. So I would love for you to join us. But that’s not a light decision to make.”
“…Sym…I’m so tired. I’ve been dragging myself for years. I feel so empty. Aimless. If I go back…I’m gonna die, I think. Burn out, or…just get more and more hollow until I’m no longer a person. Way before Noctilucent does anything to me. I need to change. I need to be better.”
“Be better? This isn’t…about your guilt about your parents, is it?”
“…maybe. But beyond the question of guilt and responsibility…I hurt myself, that day. I let them hurt me, when they should have helped. It’s not much more their fault either. They didn’t know what they were doing. And…I don’t think any amount of time is going to heal the damage. I need to change. I need to change, or I’ll just rot.”
“…well. Maybe this will restore your future-sight, yes.”
“It’s not just that. It’s a part of it, but not just that. I need to heal. I need to be made whole again. I need to live.”
Sol took a deep breath, and stepped into the vat.