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“I can see you standing there.”
Akito’s feet shifted backwards, surprised at the quick recognition from Tsukasa. Something had been.. off.. about him lately, as if something was stirring inside of him, waiting for something to happen.
It weirded Akito out. Of course Tsukasa wasn’t the most unexpected person to see this behavior from, he was already odd—a generous term in Akito’s opinion—so most people could discard his change in manner as something typical. But Akito couldn’t manage it. They’d been “friends”, or more acquaintances, for years now and he could most definitely filter out Tsukasa’s expressions by now. This one was unlike the rest. Most people could process his face as being upset, but the slight emptiness behind his eyes spoke thousands more. On normal days, even when upset, Tsukasa always had that spark behind his eye that was able to entice anyone.
Akito continued to stand silently, processing what to do next, as the shade from the building remained engulfing him, contrasting his complexion against Tsukasa’s even more.
“God you’ve been so hyper-aware lately,” Akito shuffled next to the bench that Tsukasa was eating lunch at.
He didn’t respond.
What is going on? Akito glanced away to avoid staring for too long, following by sitting down next to Tsukasa, keeping their usual distance.
Tsukasa typically stirred up conversations, but similarly to the rest of today, he hadn’t said a word aside from the initial introduction.
“So uh, you have a show soon right?” Akito asked, mouth half full with food. He had to make some sort of conversation right? From most of his experiences, the main thing Tsukasa would do is talk about his shows and all the random stories of him preparing and recollections of things that happened backstage (Normally being followed by a cheerful invite that Akito typically rejected unless someone else went with him. He couldn’t bear to be seen at one of Tsukasa’s shows alone, it would be too obvious).
Tsukasa loved talking about his shows, or so Akito thought until he saw the pure dread washed over Tsukasa’s face. Damn it, Akito mumbled to himself as Tsukasa nodded and continued to eat his lunch silently.
That for sure struck a chord, Akito thought. Maybe it has something to do with why he’s acting so oddly.
They both didn’t say much. Akito had already fucked up the conversation once and that was enough for him to back down and not risk provoking Tsukasa even more; but, he needed Tsukasa to say something. He couldn’t watch Tsukasa slowly eat himself alive and drown in his thoughts while he was sitting right next to him. He had to do something, even if that was not letting Tsukasa run off to be alone. Even if he couldn’t get Tsukasa to cue anything on how to comfort him, he decided he would continue to sit there and spend his time searching for ideas on how to help.
Most of his time thinking was entrapped by the silence of the roof at lunch hour. Most people were inside with their friends, catching up about their weekend encounters or dreading what faces them in the next class. In fact that’s what Akito was planning to do today; he had heard rumors of a surprise vocabulary quiz for his next period, however, his plans had clearly changed.
The clattering of the wind against the messy wire fences drowned out the sound of Tsukasa finishing up his food, leaving specific aspects of it completely untouched. Akito’s mind wandered, again searching for reasons and explanations. What’s the point of packing food you aren’t going to eat? There must be some logical explanation for it. Both of them said nothing as the time passed, it didn’t seem like there was anything to say.
The bell rang.
Akito watched Tsukasa give a quick sigh of relief, assumingly not having to confront this anymore. His eyes panicked as he watched Tsukasa pack up his things, ready to leave whatever he was facing behind once again. The wind swung out to engulf the silence besides the clanging of putting lids back on containers from the lunch Tsukasa barely ate.
Akito didn’t know what to do. It felt like he was so close, so close to making Tsukasa feel better, it was just a single moment away. Even if he couldn’t get Tsukasa to speak, or even regurgitate things in his mind verbally, he at least wanted him to not have to silently suffer alone. Especially sitting in a crowded classroom where more thoughts would predictably bleed in. Tsukasa stood up, grabbing his bag while keeping his eye directly on the roof’s exit door.
That’s when he decided to advance. On a quick whim, he latched onto Tsukasa’s wrist before he could manage to pack up anymore of what he had outside his bag. “Tsukasa,” he said directly, “skip your next class”.
“What?” Tsukasa visibly snapped back mentally to process what Akito had just said.
“I said, skip your next class.” Akito restated
“I heard you the first time,” Tsukasa grimaced, “the ‘what’ was more like ‘what the hell are you talking about’”. Tsukasa tried to shake away, but Akito wouldn’t loosen his grip.
“It’s not like you’ll miss anything important, finals aren’t for another month,” Akito tried to reason. “Plus, you didn’t finish your cheesecake.”
Oh.
“Are you seriously asking me to skip class so you can snag some of my cheesecake?” Tsukasa sneered even more, he clearly didn't want to handle Akito’s excuses anymore.
“No!” Akito exclaimed, realizing how his last “reason” sounded, as if it was dumbing this whole situation down to his own personal gain. “No, I-“ He paused. What should I even say in this situation? He stumbled in his thoughts, replaying all the possible outcomes of the multitude of responses and reasons he could give. “I… I need your company.”
Oh.
“Oh,” Tsukasa glanced away again, he clearly knew what this was about. Of course it wasn’t Akito who needed company right now, it was him, even if he didn’t want to admit it.
Still facing the exit, Tsukasa fell silent as his wrist stopped pulling towards the same way as his eyes.
“Okay.” Tsukasa met Akito’s gaze back as he gave in. “But don’t take this as an agreement that it’s okay to skip classes, I’m only doing this because you’re my underclassman.”
He paused.
“And because you need someone right now.”
Akito’s heart choked a bit at that statement. He wasn’t sure if Tsukasa was fully getting the jist of what he was trying to infer.
He sat back down as Akito released his grip from his wrist, this time a bit closer to the boy.
The chatter of the students in the hallways below seemed to cancel out the deafening repetition of the air conditioning units clanking on the roof and sheer wind bouncing off the wired fences. Yet, Akito was still rummaging in his thoughts on what to say. Maybe it was best to say nothing since everything else he had managed to ask seemed to push Tsukasa further away from him. It seemed silence was the best remedy in this situation. Although Tsukasa had typically faced most of his complaints with loud gestures and extravagant ideas, this problem seemed to strike something much deeper within him, explaining the needed silence.
…
“Akito,” Tsukasa mumbled as he shifted his hands back to fiddling with the lids of what he hadn’t packed earlier.
Akito hummed to cue he was listening, anticipating to hear what Tsukasa was about to mutter.
“Do you think—“ He hesitated, clenching his fists in the fabric of his pants. He choked a little bit on his breath, “Do you think you could ever forget me?”
Akito’s eyes widened at the sudden confessional question. What? He thought, trying to tie in all the possible reasons for Tsukasa’s statement. In a sense it was to understand where he was coming from better, but he wasn’t sure where to place the spawning point for all this mental humidity. Maybe it was something recent, a fight with a troupe member perhaps. Or maybe it was something that had been building up for a long while, only breaching the public eye now. Either way, Akito just knew he wanted to help. Whether it was words of consolation or just his presence, he wanted Tsukasa to know he wanted to help.
“I don’t think I could forget you even if I tried.” He scoffed a little with his response. In reality, it was a dumb question to Akito. Tsukasa had played a prominent role in his life ever since starting high school, the very first day his presence haunted Akito as his laugh echoed the walls, disturbing the presumed peace.
Every single emotion he’s ever registered could resonate with every aspect of Tsukasa. Ranging from hate to fear and eventually to love, he’d felt them all for Tsukasa at some point in his life. How could he forget someone who is, in aspect, everything? Not that he’d ever admit that part though.
Tsukasa froze, his pants slowly unscrunching from the tension of his hands. If Akito was one thing it was honest, and Tsukasa knew that best.
“Even if I wasn’t loud?” He sulked.
“I mean yeah, you don’t have to be loud to be annoying.”
Tsukasa smiled a little bit, moving his hands to mess with each other instead of his pants. He glanced back down, unsure of what to say next. It was somewhat out of the blue, and the last thing he wanted to do was burden Akito. His processing of emotions were unconsciously being displayed on his face, his lips curling then flattening as his eyes darted around the frame of the floor.
Akito, of course noticing this, recognized he may have to say more than that to get the idea that he could remember Tsukasa as more than just some bother of a classmate that he happened to eat lunch with.
“But don’t act stupid, I’ll remember you for more than that.” Akito hindered on what to say next, this for sure was not a good time for a full on confession. “I can easily remember you in lots of ways.”
“I’ll remember your kindness,” Akito stated. “I’ll remember all the times you gave me mercy when you really shouldn’t have.”
Tsukasa was still looking down, slowly crunching a fallen leaf that had wandered onto the roof from a nearby tree.
“I’ll remember your forgiveness,” Akito smiled. “I for sure couldn’t forget that, I’ve been a pure dick to you at some points but you still let me sit here with you. Not many people allow that so leniently."
He watched Tsukasa’s breathing slowly level out, he watched the leaf slip out from under his foot and continue its journey across the city.
“I’ll remember how you’ve helped me, not just through tutoring but how you allow me to recover from the day up here during breaks. Additionally, the way you’ve helped my friends, especially Toya.”
Tsukasa finally tilted his head up a bit, no longer staring at the ground but instead at whatever resided in front of him.
“Like it or not Tsukasa, I don’t think anyone would find you easy to forget, especially me. Even just looking at the stars… I think of you.” Akito mumbled the last part; but, Tsukasa caught it anyways, smiling at the remark.
“Really?” Tsukasa leaned back to rest his spine on the back of the bench, no longer hunching over. His eyes still darting around the horizon, but eventually meeting Akito’s gaze that had been on him throughout the whole event.
There was a small grin on his face, but it wasn’t the typical smug one. It was genuine, and somewhat hopeful, which nobody really saw from Akito. Tsukasa was happy to be the one seeing it.
Akito was feeling something similar. The expression on Tsukasa’s face was completely different from what he had seen on the roof half an hour earlier. It was relieving to see. Though Tsukasa obviously hadn’t fully eliminated the internal thoughts he was facing, Akito seemed to have reassured him at least a little bit.
Tsukasa exhaled again, seemingly letting go of all the tension in his body. Akito could see it then, just how exhausted he looked. It seemed as if whatever had been eating him alive had been doing it for years, fatiguing him more and more each day. Finally, he threw head back up to the sky, taking in all the sunlight that he’d been ignoring beforehand.
“Hm, that wasn’t very star-like of me, was it?” Tsukasa sighed, feeling some of the weight get lifted off his shoulders.
Akito snorted, the dumb gestures returned sooner than he thought they would. “I’m sure all future stars traversed through some shit like you are now.”
Tsukasa gave a short exhale through his nose, “Yeah, I guess so.”