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Andrew woke up from his sleep alone. This wasn’t uncommon as some nights he needed to sleep alone, but he knew he went to bed with Neil last night, so being alone wasn’t right. Andrew knew that Neil had been off the last few weeks so decided he should go look for him .
Andrew left his bed and began to look around the dorm for him. The living room and kitchen was empty, which left Andrew confused. Neil’s shoes were still at the door which meant he wasn’t at the roof so he had to still be in the dorm. Andrew decided to continue searching the apartment and saw the light from the bathroom shine from under the shut door.
Andrew carefully placed his ear to the door to listen for anything. Unfortunately, he heard nothing which was worse than hearing whatever was happening in there. Andrew decided he couldn’t just wait for Neil to leave the bathroom and instead had to go in.
Andrew knocked on the door cautiously, making sure he wouldn’t wake Kevin, though that was next to impossible.
“Neil, are you in there? Can I come in?” Andrew said quietly, trying to keep the worry out of his voice.
He placed his ear to the door again and this time heard heavy breathing this time. A relief, as at least he knew that Neil was alive.
“Yes ‘Drew. You can come in” Neil finally says. Andrew notices he sounds breathy and alarmed. Andrew had heard him like this before, when he had a nightmare about his father.
“Ok, I’m going to open the door now” Andrew says as he reaches for and turns the door handle.
The first thing Andrew noticed was that Neil was facing away from the door, curled in on himself like he was protecting himself. The next thing Andrew noticed was the knife on the floor next to Neil, with blood on the blade.
Andrew walked further into the room and closed the door, giving them both privacy to deal with whatever Neil needed. Andrew began to start circling Neil when he was stopped by what he saw.
Neil’s arm was covered in cuts, all over, reminding him of the cuts that used to cover his own arm.
Andrew bends down and moves the knife away from Neil and sits down next to him. He saw that Neil was cupping his arm close to himself and was looking into space, almost looking like he didn’t really know what was happening. Andrew knew this look, Neil had shut down.
“Can I clean your arm, yes or no?” Andrew said calmly next to him. All he was met with was a nod, knowing he wasn’t going to get words from Neil right now, that was enough.
Andrew took Neil’s arm in his hands and inspected the damage. Some of the cuts were deep, but he wouldn’t need stitches and Andrew wasn’t worried about his losing consciousness. Andrew wetted a towel and began to clean the wound, only dabbing, never swiping, not wanting to pull the marred skin.
“What happened Neil” Andrew asked while he finished dabbing away the blood. It took a few moments before Neil could bring himself to answer.
“I had a nightmare” was all he answered, but Andrew knew he would elaborate.
“I saw my mother, and how much she had to hide the pain in that car before I noticed she was dying. Then I saw my father and the lessons he used to give me about how to use his knives. I saw him come here, and he hurt the team while he made me watch, he even made me help. Then he… he hurt you” Neil said while fighting the tears begging to be let free.
But the time he’d finished talking the tears had begun flowing and full sobs racked his body.
“You know that isn’t true Abram. He’s dead, they’re all dead. And you know if anyone had been hurt that it wouldn’t have been your fault. But they weren’t hurt. They are all fine. I’m fine and safe, with you” Andrew said, trying to ease the picture his nightmare left in his head.
Andrew opens a cabinet under the sink and found some bandages that he could wrap around Neil’s arm for the night. He also found some disinfectant, cringing when he thought about the pain that would bring on raw cuts.
He placed a small amount on a new towel and carefully began dabbing it against the skin with as little pain as possible, but he knew it would be excruciating, all that alcohol over his arm.
“Why’d you do this Neil. You could have woken me up and we would have gone to the roof” Andrew said while unrolling the bandages.
“I needed it out of me. That tension, it was all I felt and I needed it out. I needed to be punished for the danger I brought to this team.” Neil responded frantically. His eyes widened and darted everywhere, like adrenaline had hit him in tenfolds.
Andrew let him cry while he finished bandaging his arm and placed his hand on the back of his neck, in an attempt to bring him back to the present. This seemed to shock Neil and the moment Neil felt his hand he whipped around to Andrew’s face. Neil appeared to be hyperventilating but Andrew didn’t want to touch him any further without asking and he wasn’t sure if Neil was able to comprehend words. However, this thought disappeared when Neil asked him a question.
“Hug, yes or no?” Neil asked in between sobs. Even now in this state, he wouldn’t touch Andrew without permission.
Andrew answered as quickly as possible, knowing what he needed. “Yes Abram, anywhere”.
Neil all but flung himself into Andrew’s lap and clung to him like he would float away if he let go. All Andrew could do is hold him just as tight and rock him into comfort. As Neil’s sobs began to die down Andrew moved his hand up into his hair and began to stoke him.
Once Neil was left in shaky breaths Andrew decided they should both head back to bed, despite knowing he wouldn’t get any more sleep tonight.
“Abram, we should head to bed now, you need rest” Andrew said in the softest voice he could muster. All he felt was the soft nod of Neil on his shoulder, while still clinging to Andrew.
Andrew knew Neil wouldn’t be able to get up in this state, so had to carry him to bed, and getting in after him. He let Neil sleep next to the wall so he could have something against his back, and also so Andrew would know if Neil left the bed again.
Andrew went back to stroking Neil’s hair and tucked him in against himself again. While Neil couldn’t see him he lets his emotions take over him. He let a few tears loose but wiped them away before they could touch Neil.
“Neil, I need you to let me do something. I need you to let me take you to Abby and Bee in the morning. You know you need help with this and while I cleaned them, we need to make sure there not infected.” Andrew said quietly, not wanting to spook Neil but knowing that it needed to happen.
“Ok” was all Neil responded before tucking in his head and finally falling asleep.
Andrew kissed his head one more time and closed his eyes attempting to get some sleep, but it never came.