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Castiel could only look at himself in the mirror. The attire felt thick on his skin. He tried to adjust the neckline, yet it stayed tight around his throat. He felt his heart thud against his chest thinking of what is going to happen in the coming morning. He tried to pull on the outfit again, not wanting to feel the suffocating feeling.
Soon they were going to grab him for him to sleep within the cleansing room. He was listening for his mother, making sure that he looked his best for when she came for him. He felt his fingers fidget on the bottom of the shirt, it was as tight as the neckline. He should stop the movement, he was ready.
He knows what is to happen, but he couldn't stop himself from worrying. He has not seen it gone wrong, his brothers have been sure to tell him of the stories. He didn’t know if he should be more grateful it was Metatron assigned to him instead of Naomi. He doesn’t feel grateful about it in the first place.
When he heard the steps, he straightened out. He knew the sound wasn’t his mothers, she was good at being light on her feet, she was hard to hear when coming. When the door opened to see Gabriel’s face, he tried to look more confident than he felt, knowing that Gabriel would tease him for such an easy ritual.
“Is mother to come and get me?” He asked.
He watched, and he thinks he finds hesitancy in his brother's face. Gabriel was hard to read, but when he is expressing anything but jokes, then Castiel finds it easier to gauge onto his feelings.
“No, she is still busy setting up the room.” He seems to consider his next words, “Feels a bit like the Truman show, doesn't it?” Gabriel does a small smile as though he doesn’t find his joke that funny.
“I haven’t seen that one.” Castiel responds. He feels like he should have known what he was referencing as his brother’s face falls a bit. “Maybe we could watch it after tomorrow.” He tries to fix the situation.
Castiel could hear grief in Gabriel’s voice when he said, “Yeah Cassie, that sounds good.”
Castiel could only shake his head at the nickname. Angels were not supposed to have nicknames, it deviates them from God. Castiel was already a deviation, as his mother likes to remind him. Cassie is closer to his original name than Castiel.
He glances back at the mirror, and feels like he still doesn’t look ready. “What are you doing here Gabriel?”
“I just wanted to say goodnight. I remembered that Lucifer did it for me before Naomi chopped me up.” He comes up behind Castiel in the mirror, but Castiel keeps his gaze away. “Remember, no matter how scary she is, she’s going to do no more harm than a sliver on the neck.”
“Naomi isn’t doing mine.” Castiel states, “Did you not know that?”
“What do you mean Naomi isn’t doing yours?” His voice was harsh, making Castiel's eyes snap to his in the mirror.
“I got assigned Metatron. Mother says that he has better chances in fixing what is wrong.” He expects a response, Gabriel always has something to say. Yet when he watches Gabriel in the mirror, he seems to be stuck in thought. “She said it was my chance to be healed.” Castiel adds on.
That got a response from Gabriel, as his hand snapped to grab Castiel's shoulder. Castiel tried not to flinch back, but it happened anyway. “You don’t need to be healed Cassie.”
“Yes I do,” Castiel argues back. “If this can fix me-”
“Castiel,” Gabriel says and he forces him to face the shorter man, “You need to ask for Naomi.”
“Mother has demanded Metatron.” Castiel says, as if it would change anything. He was shocked when Gabriel cussed under his breath. “I will be fine Gabriel.
He knows that it is tradition for Naomi to do this. She has the cleanest precisions with her markings. When a punishment goes around, she is the one that most beg to go to. She has a type of care with her punishment, she does not want to harm the vessel for an angel.
Her cuts go deep, but they come out clean. For Castiel’s smaller punishments, he would get her, as she would spend time as a lecturer for him to understand why. Why he had made a mistake, and how it will run him further from Cassiel. When he heard of Metatron for the ritual, he knew of his messy techniques, but he knew that Naomi wouldn't be there to peer down on him once more.
The look of his older brother's face was not helping his nerves. Castiel knows he was raised differently than his brothers, as he is not one to be an Angel at all. They prepared for him as an Archangel only to be disappointed in the end. His brothers were all older than him, most were out of the house before he turned school age.
That did not help his mothers attention, as she feels that she can save Castiel from his own demise. As others were free, Castiel made sure to be what his mother would want, in any hope that he could be changed. All it drew was for his brothers to have a lack of faith and for his mother to push harder.
“Is there something that I should know about Metatron?” He asks as a way of voicing his own concern.
Instead of an answer, Gabriel’s hands went up to his hair. Castiel was getting too tall for his older brother to do it comfortably, so he ducked his head down slightly. Gabriel was smoothing out his usually wild hair. Castiel never thinks to fix it. When Gabriel is done, he turns back to the mirror.
Now he looked right.
“It will be alright.” Gabriel said behind him. “I’ll see you tomorrow Castiel.” Castiel only watched as his brother left him alone in the room again.
He couldn’t stop his hand from going back to his neckline. It still felt too tight.
----
His mother comes through the door about an hour after Gabriel left. Castiel doesn’t mention his older brother visiting him, as he thinks it is against tradition. He couldn’t mess up this ritual. His mother came up to him and set both of her hands onto his arms.
“My little Castiel,” Her voice was soft and her smile comforting, “I am hoping this works for you.” One of her hands moves up to his face, as she cups it slightly. Castiel has to stop himself from moving towards the gentle touch. He only kept his eyes on hers as she seemed to take him in. “You did your hair,” it comes out like a joke for her.
Cas let himself give her a small smile. She is always a kind mother, only having to punish him when he deserves it. He wishes that he could be a better son for her. That he was like the rest of his brothers. After tomorrow, maybe he could be. “Is the room ready?” He asks.
“Yes,” Her smile falling a bit and her eyes dropped from his face. “I just wanted to take you in.” She then lets her hands drop from him, and he misses her touch. He misses the warmth of her smile. He wonders if he could have kept it a bit longer if he wouldn’t have spoken.
She slowly walks him through the house. The cleansing room within their house was in the basement, a place that Castiel never enjoyed. He remembers on the thirteenth ritual, when he spent the night there before he was sent into the woods and he developed pneumonia. They almost had to cancel, but he refused.
He really thought he could be cured if he went through with it that time.
He knows his family thinks that he can be cured with this one as well. As if his drops of blood out of his neck will cure the poison he was born with. He does not feel as confident as them. He thinks that whatever made him the way he is was already too deep to get out.
He watched as his mother carefully opened the door, letting him walk in and staying right outside. She couldn’t come in after him as that would make the room unclean without her attire. He took in the damp room, feeling the cold gather into his bones. He wishes that he had more layers than the singular shirt.
As if that could be the one thing that could warm him up.
He glanced back at his mother as she still stood at the door. Usually if their punishment permits cleansing, which most of Castiel's did, she was quick to shut the door. As if she couldn’t stand to face Castiel and his own doomed life.
But now she seemed to hesitate to close the door. She is just watching him, and her face still holds so much emotion. Castiel wishes that he was permitted to have contact with his mother, that maybe his touch could warm her as hers did to him. She seems to only take the sight of him for so long as she sighs and shuts the door with no more words that, “I have faith for you.”
Castiel tried to ignore how that sent a pit into his stomach knowing that he would not be cleansed. The basement always seemed to make him colder instead of healing. He went to the corner that he winds up going to every time. There was a window that shines in, making it a bit warmer than the other parts of the room.
He had to remind himself that it was only for a night. It wasn’t a punishment, he was going to be healed.
----
It was still dark out when he heard noise outside the door. Castiel was not putting effort into trying to sleep, instead letting himself listen to his own breaths. Every once in a while he would get up so his legs wouldn’t go numb. But the noise, it got his attention.
It wasn’t morning and to be cleansed before the ritual states that there should be no disturbance to those within the cleansing room. Castiel tried to make himself still as he heard the lock to the basement give. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Castiel was supposed to make his mother proud.
This was his chance for redemption.
As the door opened and he heard footsteps into the room, he knew that he had failed. His mothers hope for nothing, he was glad he never got his own hopes up. Castiel knew that he would never be cured.
He tilted his head towards the shadow, and it was easy to tell who it was.
“Cassie? You awake still?” His older brother asks, as if Castiel didn’t just move. “I need you to come with me bud.”
Castiel didn’t give him anything as he sighed and refocused his gaze back to the window. Thinking if he could ignore his older brother, maybe Cassiel could forgive him for not being clean. He knows it will not work that way.
“It’s tomorrow,” Gabriel’s voice was light, “I told you I’d see you.”
Still avoiding his gaze he replied, “Most would wait till after the ritual.”
“No can do,” He heard Gabriel get closer, “We gotta leave now, get up man.”
Castiel didn’t get up, thinking that if he could just ignore him that maybe Gabriel would leave. Never speak of this and no one had to know. Gabriel seemed to not like that method as he came closer and grabbed Castiel’s arm. Castiel snapped it away from him, “This isn’t funny Gabriel.”
“I’m not here for fun and games. This wasn’t part of my plan either, but I gotta save you.” His older brother's tone started to become aggressive.
“I don’t need saving. I will see you tomorrow.”
“Cassie,” Gabriel tried to grab for him again, but Castiel just backed away from his once warm spot, “Please come with me.”
Castiel ignored him again. He didn’t need to say anything else. He felt anger rush through him at Gabriel ruining this for him. He doesn’t understand, Gabriel wasn’t cursed. Gabriel never needed saving.
“Castiel, you’re going to come with me either way.” Gabriel gets close again, and Castiel finally meets his eyes, glaring back at his eyes. He watched his older brother study him. He didn’t give anything, something that he knows he is good at doing. His brother finally seemed to give in as he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “Fuck you make this hard.”
“Does that mean you’re going to leave?”
“No, that means I’m dragging you out of here.” Castiel was going to laugh at that, but his older brother basically lunged at him. He was stuck at an advantage due to Gabriel standing, so when he slammed Castiel against the ground he froze for a second.
“You can’t drag me out in this position," Castiel gasped out, blinking a couple times to clear his head. His brother seemed to agree with that conclusion, so he started to shift, but Castiel used that to his advantage as he basically threw Gabriel off of him. Castiel set himself into a better position. “I don’t understand Gabriel, what is the purpose of this?”
“I will tell you later, right now you just have to trust me.”
But Castiel doesn’t trust him. He just tackled him a few seconds ago, and now he is expecting him to leave. To go where? If he leaves now, his family will never forgive him, he can never follow through with the ritual. Even if Gabriel brings him back, it would be too late as he lost the trust.
He remembers the look in his mothers face as she said that she had faith for him. How she believes he could be changed. When he shakes his head as a response to Gabriel, all he is thinking is that he could make her proud.
Gabriel doesn’t take that as an answer as he lunges for Castiel again, but Castiel was prepared as he trapped his brother beneath him. Gabriel doesn’t look shocked when looking back up at Castiel, but he doesn’t mind, hoping this is snapping him out of his stupid plan.
When Gabriel snaps his head towards the door, Castiel thinks they got caught. If they did then that would mean that whatever Gabriel wanted was screwed but so was Castiel’s ritual tomorrow. Or well in the morning. Castiel turns to look at the door, expecting to find their mother, only to be met with an empty door and a prick in his neck.
Wide eyes looked back down at Gabriel, who had a sly smile on his face as he pulled out the syringe.
“What is that?” Castiel asks, grabbing Gabriel's lowering hand as if that would undo whatever it was.
“I told you that you were coming with me,” He pulled his hand out of Castiel's grasp, “It’s just some sleepy time meds.” Castiel didn’t feel tired. He didn’t feel sluggish that comes with medication. He tells that to Gabriel, but he already seemed to know that. “I know, didn't want to do too much.” He didn’t even look guilty. “We just gotta wait a couple minutes.”
He seemed content waiting, but Castiel wasn’t. It was either wait for the drugs to start and for Gabriel to take him, or for him to go to mother and beg for forgiveness. He likes the second option more. They couldn’t blame him for this mistake, they could look past this.
He hopes they can.
Castiel quickly gets to his feet, but Gabriel must know of his plan as he grips the back of his shirt and pulls him down. The already tight shirt basically cuts off air in his neck if he didn’t relent. He wanted to think it was him relenting and not that his legs lost balance.
He looked over at his brother, trying to not let the panic show, he knows he fails as Gabriel's smug face falters. “Gabriel please,” He begs, “Let me stay.”
Gabriel tried to touch him, but Castile still had strength to shove his hand away before he could even think of how that was him initiating contact. He wasn’t supposed to do that. His eyes widened in apology, but his mouth said “Don’t touch me.”
Gabriel nodded as he set himself back, but he did not move further back from Castiel. It’s a reminder that he will grab him if he tries to leave. Castiel is stuck either way and all he can do is wait for the drugs to take its course. Gabriel said it would take a couple of minutes, he wonders how long that would be.
He is paranoid about what he is losing within the time. He wishes for a clock to pay attention to. He can’t feel his legs, but is that just because he's stuck sitting on the hard ground and not able to get up. He shivers, is that because of the cold room or that his body is not thermoregulating as fast.
Gabriel is talking from his spot, about what he grabbed from Castiel’s room, how he knows of the books that he has hidden from his family. The little souvenirs from thrift stores, but Castiel is losing focus of the conversation. He doesn’t know how long it has been, but the sinking feeling in his own body is enough to know that it is coming.
Gabriel seems to see it too, as he braves to reach out to Castiel, and Castiel’s hand lags for a second too long before trying to get it away. Castiel’s own breathing becomes erratic. “I don’t wanna go,” His voice was breathy. From panic or from loss of control, he doesn’t know. “I could be cured. I don’t want to be ill anymore.” It doesn't stop Gabriel as he starts shifting Castiel up, and bearing most of his weight as he tries to get his feet under him.
Castiel may not want to leave, but he also doesn’t trust his brother enough to not let him face plant into the ground. As Gabriel led them forward, Castiel can’t even fight him anymore, stumbling next to his shorter brother. “I just want to be saved.” He continues to ramble. “Why don’t you want me to be better?”
Gabriel seemed to be too concentrated on making sure Castiel doesn’t fall that he doesn’t answer Castiel’s question. Castiel just wishes that Gabriel did give him stronger drugs. Maybe then he didn’t have to be awake to see what could have been slip out of view. Climbing up the stairs, he hopes that maybe his mother hears his footsteps thudding up each step.
She never does.
Gabriel is gasping in exhaustion after carrying most of Castiel’s weight, and Castiel could barely keep his eyes open as they get to the car. Castiel wants to let the sleep take hold, maybe he was just sleep deprived in the basement. He hopes this was all a dream.
As his brother shoves him into the passenger seat, Castiel could see the back seat filled with bags through his half-lidded eyes. He knew this was real. He ignores the empty feeling that takes control over him, ignores how he knew that he was ill-fated from the start.
He could feel his older brother put a soft material between his head and the window, but it didn't change anything. Castiel has failed his family, and it was Gabriel's fault.
----
Castiel’s brain was foggy as he awakened, but clear enough to remember what happened. The sun is shining through the front windshield right into his eyes, showing that it is morning.
Meaning that it is too late for the ritual.
His head is still against the window, but he lost the cushioning between. He wonders how long he was out for. He swallowed hard, his throat felt dry so there was no relief. He blinked a couple times, trying to orient himself, but it was hard when there were the fast images of the trees they were passing by. Next he tried his fingers, they still were slow, he felt like his brain took too long to compute the information to his limbs.
It explains his little thoughts as his brain decided that he needed to leave the car, so his arm sluggishly moved towards the door handle to pull open. It moved yet stayed close. Castiel blinked a couple more times, adjusting himself. He hears a voice next to him but it is a bit muffled.
He turned his head, his hand slowly moving down from the handle, and stared at Gabriel who was peering at him like he expected an answer. Castiel didn’t know what the right answer would be so he continued staring. “What?” Castiel asked, his voice thick with sleep.
Gabriel sighed beside him. “I wanted to know your slick idea of leaving the moving car.” His voice was still muffled and Castiel thinks his ears are clogged. He wonders of the elevation change that they went through when he was asleep.
“Where are we going?” He said instead of answering.
“Montana,” Gabriel focused back onto the road, but Castiel didn’t move his eyes from him. “Doing a straight shot so we still got about ten hours.”
Castiel knows he should be angry, but his vision is still blurry and no matter how many times he blinks it isn’t clearing. Seeing the fast movement of the trees makes his head hurt and his body nauseous, so he decides to close his eyes.
He could do with more sleeping.
----
When he woke up again his head felt much clearer. He looked through the front windshield again, the sun now midway up into the sky. He wonders how long he slept for, if the drugs were out of his system.
“Buddy boy is awake again,” Gabriel’s cheery attitude came from beside him. “You feeling better?” Castiel tried to respond, but his throat was so dry that nothing came out. “Right dehydration, got some water in the back.”
Castiel looked into the back, and he saw all the bags again. He felt the anger from when he was first set into the car. Whatever Gabriel had decided to do, it has ruined Castiel’s life. He decided to forgo water and settled into his seat more, hoping he could sleep again to forget it.
Gabriel seemed to take notice of Castiel's petty technique and stopped paying attention to the road to reach behind to grab the bottles. Castiel watched as the car swerved on the road. The road was pretty busy with mid-day traffic, and when Gabriel finds the bottle and looks towards the street the car barely misses going into the opposite lane.
“Gonna kill us,” Gabriel mutters as if it was Castiel’s fault he was swerving. He threw the water bottle onto Castiel.
Castiel ignores him, only grabbing the water bottle, but doesn’t open it. He doesn’t feel like drinking it. No matter how scratchy and dry his mouth feels, he could withstand it.
Gabriel turns the music louder, basic radio songs, but Castiel wasn’t paying attention, he kept his mind blank as he watched the scenery go by. He wishes that he was tired still, but his body was wide awake.
He wanted to know what Gabriel was planning, wanted to know why he was even involved. Would he go back and why would Gabriel take him away? A thought came into mind on how Gabriel might be saving his family by taking away Castiel.
Was he going to drop Castiel and leave?
Castiel ignored the way that his throat clogged up more and he felt his heart thud. It felt like he could feel his tight clothes again. He tried to swallow but it got stuck at the tight neckline, why would they give an attire that was too tight.
He could feel his breath pick up slightly and he tried to pull down at the shirt to clear his throat, but it wasn’t working. He was going to get stuck wearing this outfit in whatever spot Gabriel drops him off in.
He kept silent in the passenger seat, willing his breaths to stay quieter than the music, hoping, praying that Gabriel doesn’t hear him.
It felt like forever before Gabriel stopped the car, he pulled into a simple Gas-and-Sip, but didn't hop out right away. Castiel has been taught not to fidget, his body is one to be kept still, but it was hard to keep control as he faced the building in front of him.
Gabriel passed some money onto Castiel's lap, staring at him expectantly, like he expects Castiel to go inside. Castiel doesn’t want to go inside. He knows the trick, he knows that once he is in there, Gabriel will drive back home.
Castiel doesn’t think he could find another way back home after how bad his thirteenth ritual was.
Gabriel seemed to see his hesitancy, “Go and get us some drinks, I want a slushy.” It doesn’t make Castiel leave the car. As angry as he is at his brother for making him fail Cassiel, he doesn’t want to be alone. He seemed to get the hint that Castiel would not leave the car as he sighed and grabbed the money back.
Castiel stayed in the car, picking at his shirt. No one was there to see him move, and he kept his eyes in the windows to make sure that Gabriel didn't leave the store without him noticing. After what felt like forever, he got nervous thinking that he escaped his gaze.
He stepped out of the car, and headed into the store nervously to look for his brother. He couldn’t have left Castiel. Castiel didn’t want to be here in the first place, this was unfair. He finds his brother by the slushies and walks straight over.
“Would you like cherry or coca-cola?” Gabriel asks, noticing Castiel creep up. Castiel still doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want any drinks from Gabriel, or in general. Gabriel seemed to answer for him as he filled up the slushy cup with cherry. “You gotta change out of those clothes, you look like you’re a part of a cult.”
Castiel slightly shakes his head, “We were a family,” his voice husky with dehydration. It scrapes off of his vocal cords. He can feel Gabriel's eyes on him, but Castiel continues to watch the slushy mix go round in circles. He doesn’t want to look at the man who betrayed their family.
“Still gotta change. No more Bill Brown for you.” If it was a joke, it went over Castiel's head. Gabriel took note as he adds, “Friday the thirteenth, neck got slit. Man, me and you are going to watch so many movies.”
“I would prefer to go back.” Castiel looks over at his brother, “I don’t want to be a part of whatever idiotic idea you have in your head.”
“You’ll thank me later Cassie,” He lays his hand onto Castiel’s shoulder, “Go get changed, your clothes are in the blue suitcase.” Gabriel walked off to go and pay for the items, and Castiel followed.
He still didn’t trust Gabriel to not leave him.
Gabriel didn’t seem to need to mention it, and when they settled back into the car, he left without trying to get Castiel to change again. If Castiel had no voice over anything, he can at least choose what to do with his body.
----
They reach a crappy motel in Montana around five, Gabriel complains that the motel is too expensive for the run down place, and Castiel keeps quiet. He knows that Gabriel can ramble all he wants, but he can tell it is getting strained when he gets no response back.
“We gotta go and eat. Find a cheap place nearby and change. Imma go shower and you better be ready when I’m out.” Castiel can see his hesitation of going into the bathroom, like Castiel could escape while he showers.
He can’t even drive.
Castiel also knows that if he goes back, he will never be accepted again. He knows that it is bad, but he doesn’t want to go back in fear of his punishment. If Naomi had gone rough on him before when she was nice, he couldn’t imagine what he would get for this. Thinking about the punishment makes his back ache as if he is already preparing himself.
He thinks of his mothers face, how if he could never go back she will blame herself for not trying enough. Maybe she should have been more harsh than she was, then Gabriel wouldn’t try to help him, seeing what his mother has seen in Castiel from the start.
He does decide to change, the white clothes getting too tight to be bearable, still feeling as if he can’t breathe right. He opens up the blue suitcase and sees some clothes from his room. They were crammed in there as if it was a rush, he wonders if Gabriel even wanted him here.
He pulled off the shirt and put himself into a long undershirt with a sweater over, letting the warmth cover him. He felt more clean like this than any of his short attire could. His brother clearly didn’t think of what to pack as most of his pants were not the ones his mother prefers him to wear, so he slips on one of his work ones.
He eyes the full water bottle that his brother left in the room. His mouth was still dry and his head was starting to ache, but he didn’t feel as if he deserved the water. He deserved some type of punishment for this escape.
He almost thinks to pray to Cassiel, apologizing for his brother's mistake. He is still willing, he could still be good. But even he knows that that will not work. Cassiel should never be forgiving to him. They deserve a better vessel than whatever Castiel was.
He doesn’t find a restaurant, and Gabriel grumbles about it as he pulls out his phone and quickly finds one. Castiel was going to tell him to go on his own, but the feeling that he will be abandoned takes over as he follows Gabriel out.
When they got there, he didn't pick anything to eat, he didn’t feel that hungry, and he didn’t feel that he deserved to eat. Gabriel decides against that and orders him a burger that Castiel still decides to avoid eating.
He doesn’t know why Gabriel is trying. They were never that close. When he was young Gabriel would find him fun as it was an easy target, yet the older he got the less and less he saw of his brother. Gabriel being an Archangel and Castiel being cursed didn’t help the situation as his mother tried to stop the spread and keep Castiel contained.
Clearly it didn’t work.
Castiel couldn't remember the last time he was one on one with Gabriel other than before he was sent to the cleansing room. It would make no sense to take Castiel when there was no bond there in the first place.
Yet here they were, Castiel gazing thirstily at water he refuses to drink and Gabriel eating his pancakes like they were from Heaven.
After Gabriel is done eating and Castiel takes no hint to take any nutrients, he asks for a box and walks out and Castiel keeps close behind, but he feels his head get dizzy. Gabriel’s pace is fast for a short man, and Castiel feels his head pound with each step. He wonders if he should have drunk the water or taken a bite of the fries.
The smell of the food in the car made him nauseous, and he closed his eyes to try and stop the pounding in his head. “You know Cassie,” Gabriel’s too loud voice comes from beside him, “You’ll feel better if you take care of yourself.”
Castiel ignores him, even when he puts the music at ear blasting levels. Even as he tries to talk over it, making his head hurt more. His brother can be obnoxious but Castiel can power through. He ignored the way that he stumbled a bit when getting out of the car, and followed Gabriel back into their room.
He didn’t say much as he went straight to the bed, not wanting to change, and laying down ready for sleep to take hold again.
----
Sleep does not take hold, and Castiel stares up at the ceiling, his head pounding and every swallow burning. He looks over at the bathroom, knowing he could go and fill a cup of water, he could cleanse his throat, but he doesn’t get up. It wasn’t until he took a breath out of his mouth that catches something in his throat that made a raspy cough come out.
And another.
Then another, until it turns into a fit. His dry throat has no saliva for lubrication as it feels as if something is stuck in there and it will not come out. Each cough bruns and his head shoots jolts of pain. He tries to sit up but the coughs are making it difficult.
He doesn’t know when Gabriel appeared in front of him, he just knows because he feels hands on his shoulders helping him sit up. It helps clear up his airways, but his head hurts where he doesn’t want to balance it up, it hits his brother's shoulder when he leans forwards. Gabriel doesn’t stand there for long as he leaves where Castiel wasn’t ready and jerks forward.
He catches himself, but keeps his eyes closed as opening them seems to be a pain. He feels a couple seconds later as Gabriel lifts his hand and places a cup into it. Castiel wants to reject it so badly, he doesn’t deserve the cleanse, he still needs to be punished. His body seemed to think differently as it lifted his hand up to his mouth and he felt cold water go down his throat.
Castiel doesn’t like the cold, but for once he felt relief.
He tries to chug the drink, but Gabriel pulls it back responsibly saying to take smaller sips. Castiel is nothing but a dog, so he listens. “Can’t believe I saved you, just for you to try and take another way out.”
“You didn’t save me,” Castiel rasps out harshly.
“You saying you wanted your neck slit?”
“If it would have cured me, then yes.”
“It wasn’t going to fix you Castiel!” His tone turns sour, which shocks Castiel as it never has before, “Don’t you understand, you’re always going to be like this. Just cause you get blood loss doesn’t mean it is going to make you a righteous vessel.”
Castiel takes another sip of his cup, hoping that the clogged feeling in his throat was just another bout of dehydration. It didn’t help as his voice still catches when he says, "I know.”
He heard Gabriel sigh, ready for him to walk back to his bed or out the door. As much as Castiel doesn’t want to be alone, maybe he should be. “That’s not what I meant.” Gabriel says, obviously trying to fix it. It doesn’t work.
“I know.” Castiel responds instead. He has learned that it is best to agree with those above him. He doesn’t want to be punished by Gabriel.
“Cassie,” He comes back with his nickname, “You understand why I had to take you?” Castiel doesn’t respond. He doesn’t think he could. “They weren’t trying to cure you, you were going to die.”
He says it with such conviction that Castiel could imagine believing him. He doesn’t. His mother may be harsh at times, but she believed he could be saved.
“Metatron is not one for that procedure and every time he does it the kid ends up mute or dead. Don’t you understand Cassie, I was trying to save you.” Gabriel’s voice was getting desperate. Castiel almost felt bad that he believed that this was him saving Castiel.
“That means that the vessel is not strong enough to hold an angel,” Castiel reasons back.
“Bullshit. Those kids don’t deserve to die just because they are not fit for an angel. You do not deserve to die.” Castiel finally looks up at his brother, he wonders what he sees back. He wonders how he can see him as someone not cursed but to be saved. He wonders why his mother never thought of him like that.
“Me and you,” Gabriel starts again, “We are going to go and travel so they cannot find us. We are going to live. You are going to get a GED and we will find a college for you to go and do whatever science shit you have been into since you were five. Do you understand me Castiel?”
“You weren’t planning on me being here.” Castiel looks back over to their bags, Gabriel clearly planned for one. “I can figure it out on my own.” He didn’t want to be a burden was what he meant to say and Gabriel seemed to catch on.
Gabriel only laughed at that, as if it could be funny. “Go and grab your burger, we gotta watch the Truman show before it hits twelve for me to keep my promise.”
Castiel kept his eye on Gabriel as he went to grab the to-go container from the minifridge, as if he would dash out the door realizing that Castiel wasn’t meant to be there.
He never did as he pulled out a CD case and put in the movie in the almost broken DVD player. He never did as Castiel resented him off and on from the start of their three year road trip. He never did as they settled down into a crappy apartment they could afford and Gabriel got a job at the college Castiel was planning on going to.
Castiel never thought he could be saved, but he is glad his brother had faith for the both of them.
----
He was glad until he and his brother were walking by the campus cafe. His brother decided to walk to the college for the day, meaning that unless Castiel wanted to break traffic laws he had to as well. Castiel was looking down at his email, he knew that he should be emailing Dean about meeting up for the project, it has been multiple days and there has been no communication.
He had Gabriel look over the email, making sure it read as a normal person and not the formal writing that his mother taught him to write like. As nice as it is to communicate with professors, he finds his lack of friends due to the fact that he could never be ‘normal’ in their eyes.
Gabriel was right and even leaving the Fallen, he was never cured, but he has lived with it for so long it did not matter.
He felt the loss of his obnoxious brother beside him, and he glanced over. His brother had his face up to the window and looked like a creeper. “Yo,” Gabriel calls out, “Did you say your partner was Dean Winchester?”
“Yeah, why?” He asks, walking towards his brother.
“He’s ordering coffee, I recognize him from one of the drama classes I oversaw.” Castiel glances in the cafe trying to see what his brother saw, but still doesn’t know who he is looking for.
Gabriel grabbed his face and geared him over to the man at the front of the line, “Tall, dirty blonde and freckles for days man. Go and talk to him instead of emailing.” He basically starts shoving Castiel towards the door, and as much as Castiel tries to fight back there is no use. He swears his brother has unnatural strength.
So when he gets shoved through the door, he can already feel strangers' eyes peering at him, his skin gets the bad feeling of warmth, not the comforting warmth of sweaters but the feeling of doing something wrong. He swallows hard and tries to act natural and even when people go back to their conversation he still feels the heat.
He finds the man that Gabriel was pointing him towards and heads straight towards him. He doesn’t realize that he is too close till the man bumped into him while turning around. Ignoring his comments he asks, “Are you Dean Winchester?”
Taking a deeper look at the man, Castiel could only feel warmth off of him, even following him and correcting the mis-use of his name, he could only see how beautiful the other man looked. If Castiel had to explain him it would be a spring day with his green blazing eyes and sun dusted hair.
Castiel may still find it hard to be with others, but he can tell when a person does not like him. He has seen it many times growing up. He knows that after a few second conversation with Dean, that the other man does not in fact like him.
It was strange knowing that a man that is the embodiment of the sun and warmth that Castiel seems to crave can tell within the small amount of time that he is not deserving of it.
When he dashes out of the door and back in step with Gabriel, he ignores the heat rising on his face as his older brother teases him at his entrance. He wishes this quarter will go over fast, to not hurt his pride even more with the other man.
For the next eleven weeks he learns how that wish will never come true.