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They’re gone.
It took him a moment to process it. As soon as those two walked out the door, he knew they wouldn’t come back in. And while he would enjoy a lovely dinner with their families that evening, that wouldn’t change what just happened. At the end of the week, he’d be the only one going back to school.
They’re gone.
This shouldn’t have been a problem. He knew it was going to happen eventually. Just like last year. He was the youngest of the five; he was going to be the last to leave. This day has been coming for a long time.
He just wasn’t expecting it to hit so hard when it did.
Before graduation, the promotion occurred. His seniors decided that Maito would be the next Vice along with another regular, Takahashi-san, as the President. And he was honored that he could be trusted to help lead the club until his own graduation. But hearing who his partner was going to be made him realize something: he didn’t know Takahashi-san that well.
He was a respectable person and a talented dancer, but as for who he was, Maito couldn’t say a thing. He spent most of his time with the Presidents, both inside and outside of school. And it’s not like he could try and make up for it right now; Takahashi-san already made plans for Spring Break.
He was sure he was going to be okay. He told everyone he was going to be okay. He couldn’t stop that this was happening, he had to be okay. But despite everything, he did something he hadn’t done in a long time: isolated himself and danced his feelings away.
He wasn’t going about a certain method or routine. He just went with the flow. If he needed to get low, he’d get low. If he needed to flip, he’d flip. He just needed to move, let the feeling consume him until he reached catharsis.
But he was going and going, on and on, time slipping further and further away, to the point where he reached exhaustion before anything else and he landed breathlessly on the ground. As he listened to his own breathing and the continued beats from his phone, his chest hollowed out.
It was quiet.
There were no scouts trying to get him to join a program. No prodigies wondering why he chose to dance here. No hyperactive randos trying to learn his moves.
No friends just trying to see if he was okay.
His parents said that the truest of friends would stick with him the longest. At least for them, he knew that to be true. They had a mix of friends from different periods of their life. Why shouldn’t that be the same for him? Tsukimiya-senpai still talked to him from time to time. He still managed to see Kouga last year. Gaku-senpai still wanted to spend time with him. Natsume-senpai was the one who invited him to dinner. Why shouldn’t it be the same?
It’s not like Tsukimiya-senpai only really talked to the group chat. Or that the amount of times he saw Kouga he could count on one hand. Or that it was going to be harder to see his seniors since he has yet to graduate. Or that none of his seniors’ plans for the future involved him.
None of those plans involved him.
He thought petting his cat would help. Apparently not.
He needed to take a walk.
But that didn’t stop the thoughts.
Natsume-senpai and Gaku-senpai wanted to stick together, and he thought that was a truly great thing. But because of that, he became an accessory to their relationship. “Together” didn’t include him. No matter how much he enjoyed their company. He was sure it would be proven by the end of the year. And it was so hard for them to see Kouga at all last year. It was going to be even harder now that he was the Vice, he knew. And Tsukimiya-senpai has yet to come back to Japan. Would he ever?
Dammit. Of all the people he managed to make friends with, why did it have to be those four? The ones that truly cared about him were going on to live their own lives without him.
Without him.
Without me…
The concept kept bouncing around in his head. Everything was happening without him. Whatever his friends were doing, they were doing without him. And it wasn’t just them either. Takahashi-san didn’t seem too interested in hanging out with him. Pado hadn’t shown his face since they gave up the Stella Braces. Asabuki-senpai graduated. Yuriya graduated. Nemu…
Nemu was in his grade. He was still in school too. A different school from Maito. And was refusing to compete this year because he couldn’t do it without his brother. A respectable choice. One that meant Maito wouldn’t see him backstage anymore. One that meant as soon as they graduated, Nemu would probably start dancing with Yuriya again.
Without Maito.
He hadn’t felt like he was in middle school in so long. He didn’t think he would ever feel like that again, and yet it never seemed so close. His friends were getting further and further away from him.
Is this what he was fated? A talented, hardworking, friendless life?
Surely not. He got out of it before.
Then why is he returning to it?
Maybe he didn’t grow as much as he thought he did.
As everyone thought he did.
He found himself under a bridge, where the air was still, but the river flowed constantly. The water never cared what the air wanted.
He took in this still air, eyes stinging. He took in more. And more. And more. Was he greedy? Is that why his vision was blurring? He didn’t care.
He was alone.
So he screamed. A wail so loud anyone who heard it would’ve thought he was dying. It would add up, considering tears were streaming down his face. But that wasn’t enough. No, not for Maito. Even though his shout was long, it wasn’t enough for Maito. So he took a few breaths and screamed again. More tears came out.
And it still wasn’t enough.
He breathed again; let out another cry. But his legs wouldn’t support him anymore and he fell to his knees, voice fading. Maybe he was dying. Because after that, he grabbed what remained of his chest and sobbed to himself, not having it in him to scream anymore.
“Maito-kun?”
He let out a noise at the sound of Natsume-senpai’s voice, falling back to look up at his frightened face.
“W-where…” Maito started hoarsely. He cleared his throat and tried again, “Where did y-you come from?”
He watched his senior’s eyes soften in what looked to be concern. “I saw you on my walk. You didn’t respond to my calls.” Then Natsume-senpai lowered himself to the ground, briefly reaching for Maito, then retracting his hand. “What’s wrong?”
Maito whimpered. He looked away, clenching a fist into the gravel beneath them. “It’s nothing.” he cried. He’s not sure why he bothered lying. Natsume-senpai saw him breakdown. It was too obvious of a lie.
But Natsume-senpai was quiet. Quieter than normal. Maito turned back, fear that he wasn’t actually there being dispersed at the sight of Natsume-senpai sitting next to him, staring silently. If he had anything to say, he was keeping it to himself. Yet, meeting his eyes helped Maito realize why he tried lying at all.
Maito wiped his tears away, elaborating, “It’s nothing you can help with.”
Maito only stared at his knees as he heard Senpai hum. Maito let him figure it out as the tears continued to pour out. “You know,” Natsume-senpai started unexpectedly. Maito looked back to see him staring at the sky. “Even if that’s the case, it’s okay that you feel the way you do.” He looked down to his knees, rubbing them briefly, then looked back at Maito. “You’re allowed to feel the way you do.”
And Maito whined, vision blurring once more as he started to hyperventilate. He didn’t understand why those words made him feel this way, but he decided he was right: it was okay to let them. He jumped over to Natsume-senpai, pulling him into his arms. “I already miss you!” he cried into his senior’s shoulder as the hug was reciprocated. “I miss all of you!”
And he continued to cry after that. He’s never done this before, and he wasn’t sure how Senpai was feeling because of it. But for Maito, despite everything, he could feel his heart return to his chest. He wasn’t sure why it did, but he liked that a friend was there when it happened.
“I see…” Natsume-senpai said as Maito continued crying. “I’m here now, if that means anything.”
Between his cries, Maito let out a small laugh, squeezing Natsume-senpai.
“It means everything.”