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When he told everyone , they had made him promise to wait one more week. He'd agreed, knowing they deserved this much after always being there, ever since he lost a part of his soul.
The goodbyes had been longer. No one was willing to let go.
Now it was a bit past three. It hadn't even been 10 minutes since everyone left, yet he was upstairs, a pill bottle in hand.
-
Sava knew he'd loose Bezz from the begining.
Maybe because he'd understand that in the end, Sava wasn't all that. He didn't deserve Bezz.
Maybe it was because of his own fuck up. Sava had been in enough realationships to know he sucked as a partner.
Maybe Bezz would fall out of love.
There were so many ways things could end, yet he never would've thought he'd end up loosing him to a sick joke of the universe. He never thought the would would loose one of its best people to brain cancer, yet it had.
And maybe it was just sava, but the world had lost its colour too. It had become dull and nothing or no one could ever change that for him.
He'd thought about ending it before, but always ended up remembering the promise he made to Bezz, that he'd be there for Celestino, that he'd (try to) move on.
Though it was different now. It had been over thirty years.
People moved on, yet he never did. He continued living, yes, but he never found the feeling Bezz used to give him again.
It was only and idea at first. They were all invited at the ranch for the usual gathering. All the accademi kids came, their partners, kids, even pets.
It came unexpectedly.
He was sitting on the porch with Vale, when he suddenly muttered that he'd thought of killing himself.
Vale didn't fight him on it.
He might not have baisicly raised him since he was a teen, but they had gotten familiar over the years. He knew nothing was ever the same for him, and he never thought it would be, even told him as much.
Of course he had understood. He'd almost lost Marc too, but they had gotten lucky(don't get him wrong, he loved both Marc and Vale and would never wish anything bad on them, but he'd been really envious during that time).
The thought had hung over them for only a sevind longer, enough tume fir vale Vale to adk him if he was sure or if he had any regrets, which he didn't.
He'd told the rest when they were leaving.
He didn't expected the most supporting expressions, but he also didn't expect the pity.
No one begged him not to (which he was very grateful for), but, in between tears and hugs, they had asked him for one thing, one last gathering.
He accepted.
Just like today, the hugs had lingered , but eventually everyone left to go home.
He'd gone to bed as soon as he reached home, but as sleep started to consume him, he felt something on top of him.
How could he have forgotten?
Looking down, he was meet with a dog.
If he dint know better, he'd think it was Rubik.
But he did know better.
He still remembered the day Rubik had died. It had felt as if another part of Bezz was ripped from him with force. And only 2 years after him.
The house was lonely and he'd adopted another dog, one that looked like Rubik, needing the stability he missed.
Now he didn't really know what to do. Of course he couldn't leave him there, so in the end , he had decided to bring him to Bezz's mom, and also tell her.
It took him 2 days to mentally prepare himself for this conversation.
After bezz had died, she'd told him that he lost a son, but his other one was still alive and deserved to live happy life.
What followed was a number of awkward dates she had set him up with, but it didn't take long for her to realise he wouldn't want to be with anyone. Still, she keept mentioning names of some nice boys and girls.
Telling her was hard. She cried, begged him not to, said he still had his life. But eventually, all she could ask was did he really want this, and he didn’t have to answer for her to understand.
All she'd asked of him then was to say hello to her baby boy, tears still running down her face, which was blanketed by despair.
The week had passed quickly.
He also went to his family to tell them, and while there was a look of sadness in his mother's eyes, most looked indiferent.
They had never accepted the fact that he was in love with a boy after it was announced, and he didn't bother to make them understand.
At least they had had the decency to wait before voicing their dismay.
He couldn't wait for Saturday, but at the same time dreaded it.
In the end it had gone fine.
As they were about to leave, the first to hug him was Marc.
Marc was his own age, and not so much older than the accademy boys, but he felt older than he was or even looked.
At some point they had started to call him mum, since he fussed so much about everyone.
Now, when they all had a problem, it was Marc they would go to. It felt like he understood better. He was a comforting presence in all their lives.
He remembered him being a constant presence after Bezz had died.
To say the truth, Sava had always wanted to be as strong as Marc, and right now he wasn't, but hoped the others would understand.
Vale came next.
After all the joking,he was finally an old man.
He knew he had seen a lot during his life. Had become a legend, gave people so many oputunities, swallowed his pride, got the love of his life back, saw all of his kids settling down,and as he put it , would see his second kid leaving forever.
He knew he had become close with the accademy, but every time someone there considered him like family, he swore a part of his soul would melt.
Then came Marzia.
To him, it was crazy how much she'd grown.
She remembered meeting her for the first time when Bezz had introduced him as his boyfriend. She was so young back then, and now she was almost 40.
Along the line, he had taken the role of favourite uncle, which meant they were really close.
He still remembers when she used to call him, to scarred to say something to her parents, and now here she was, hugging him and crying.
Then came the academy boys.
Pecco, Franky, Luca, Fabio, Andrea.
He'd grown fond of them, seeing them more like brothers thh anything else.
And Celestino.
God Celestino.
After everything had happened, in a way, they became each others comfort person. He didn't replace Bezz, no one ever could, but he did become the closest thing possible to what Bezz was to Cele.
He was the one who saw Cele falling in love with his partner, the one who got the frantic calls, filled with doubt, if they didn't say yes, if marriage wasn't the best idea.
He gotten call when little Marco was born.
God, the news was wonderfull.
He remembers crying the first time he meet him, Cele throwing him knowing looks.
Then Celina.
He wouldn't have imagined having a kid, yet here he was.
It feels like yesterday when he went to the hospital after Celestino had had to get surgery.
He was fine but you can't blame sava for being worried, the crash had looked horrible.
Yet, there he meet someone that ended up changing his life.
She had been so small, premature birth the nurses had said. Both aprents dead.
She lost everything, and yet, she was barely a couple of hours old.
The next few month had been paperwork, hospital visits, and then he had taken her home.
His baby.
He loved their life, but he was very selfish too, always wishing marco was there too.
Whenever he didn't know what to do, when he was tired, stressed, when they were really happy, or it was a calm morning before school, when she won her fist race, there, close to the happines that engulfed him, always stood the thought 'Marco would love this, would love her, would be so proud'.
He would often talk about Marco to her. At some point they ended up rewatching his seasons in Aprilia, and Sava would end up crying after each race.
Though the first time he talked about them as a couple was when she had asked him one morning about how love felt.
She'd been 16, and while it wasn't her firat crush, she had felt different about this.
Sava had understood and told her about them.
The beginning, all the happy moments, how they would make up after fights becouse they couldn't stand to be apart, how the world seemed brighter, full of colour, how life had ment more than ever.
Then she'd had her first break-up.
That night she sneaked into his room, and for the first time ever, Sava had told someone about the hopelessness he had felt, the heartbreak, and the hate towards the world when Marco was taken from him.
He also mentioned to her that they had gotten married , something he never told her for some reason.
And now, as she was looking at him through a blur vision, he swore he was someone else's eyes looking at him.
Those sad eyes that folowed him during Marcos last few weeks.
For the first time, he was rethinking his decision, but as selfish as it was, he felt as if living one more day would make him go crazy.
The goodbyes had lasted over an hour, and he hated himself for that.
At some point he thought it was a mistake telling them, he should have just done it, but the thought of abandoning them scarred him.
He made a promise, he wasn't going to take back his word, so the lest he could do was give them the chance to say goodbye, like Bezz had.
-
The bedroom felt the same as it did in the past 30 something years, undeniably cold.
The pill bottle was almost shining under the bright rays the moon reflected.
He took it in his hand.
He stared at the bottle in his hand. One pill. Two. Three. Four... The numbers blurred together.
Then, sava just laid in bed, closing his eyes one last time before an eternal sleep would consume him.
-
Sava was never really a big romantic that thought love was the answer to all the world's problems.
He grew up hiding who he really liked, never really feeling like himself.
But he had been introduced to many, MANY romantic thought by his cousin, who bless her, didn't realise Sava couldn't care less about the fact that she had a crush on the new guy she had meet.
He heard her gushing about crushes and love and soulmates so many times that he couldn't count. It seemed stupid almost.
Shed told him that he would understand someday, as if love would come and sweep him off his feet.
He'd also spent hours listening to stories of soulmetes, especially the Greek one, where Zeus had to separate soulmates into 2 different people cause they were too powerfull or something.
He'd never understood, but he had tried to.
As stupid as it was, he yearned for someone that made him feel like that.
And his life must be the biggest cliché, becouse just as he was told back when he was still a scrawny teenager, he immediately understood all the stories when he meet Marco.
They had been much younger at that point.
Sava, just as every Italian rider, was invited to an event at the ranch.
He was simply happy to be there at first, but then his eyes keept darting to this kid, and he would force himself to look away, becouse no lorenzo, that IS A KID(Bezz had laughed his ass of when he'd told him that, and once he took a moment to breath, he noticed the glare Sava sent his way. Still laughing, he gently took Savas face in his hands, kissing him softly, and in his usual tone, told him " Amore, I was 20, definatly not a kid")
They keept meeting each other a couple of other times.
Bezz made it to motogp. Then he joined Aprilia, and they were teammates, and it didn't take long for them to get...friendlier that with the rest.
It had started off as just a friends with benefits situation. It was convenient fir the both of them. Yet sava forgot the words he'd told one of his friends that had been sleeping with someone. That it would eventually stop being casual. That the strings will be attached. That it would blow in his face.
But lucky for him, it had went fine. Yes, the whole casual thing had lasted a good 3 weeks, but they had been very happy together.
After Jorge came back, they had less time to spend together in person, but they called every time they could.
Late nights were now filled with quiet conversations about their future, break mornings were domestic, finally getting to wake up together, limbs tanged, and the heat almost as unbearable as the thought of being mere inches from the other(almost).
Suddenly, Sava understood every love song. All those people who wrote poems talking about finding another half, about a person becoming your entire world, about a feeling too big to fit into words, about finding home in another person, about knowing someone so deeply that they became a part of you(as sappy as all of that sounded).
Bezz had become his whole world, and all it took for him to become that were 2 years.
If, in the beginning, he knew this is how it would end, he'd stay away.
Sava never enjoyed the pain, but now, he was willing to go through hell and back just to get 5 more minutes with the man he loved more than anything.
Marcos death had felt different.
It had felt as if his soul was getting ripped out of his body, trashed, and put back bleeding while half of it was missing.
He can't count the times he cried so much he ended up puking his guts out.
He couldn't count the times he looked at couples in the street, in movies, in the tv, and wished it was them.
He can't count the amount of times he'd wished it was him instead of bezz, but the thought would turn sour as soon as it came.
He couldn't do that ti Bezz.
He'd rather have took his pain, but not leave him. Never leave him. He could handle the loss, or at least try to.
And now that he had? It's something he'd wish on no one, especially not Bezz.
-
He woke up hazy. It didn't take long to register what had happened, what he had ended up doing. The realization sat heavy in his chest, but before he could even fully understand it, one thought crossed his mind.
Why was he awake?
Was this how the afterlife was? Not what he expected, it still looked like his bedroom, just...brighter somehow, even if the light was off.
Before he could get up, a soft voice, one he had missed like soneone misses a lost limb , spoke.
“Ciao, campione.”
At first, he thought the pills werent enough.
Maybe this was another sick joke of the universe, making him dream of this, and lose it just as he wouke up.
But something felt different to the many dreams of those dark eyes, curly hair, and almost shy smile. This one felt real somehow, and he couldn't explain why.
He was actually dead, and differently from the dream he felt when Marco had died, all he felt was relief.
"Ciao campione " his voice felt almost shaky, laced with warmth, and love, and relief, and , and...
He was sure what had happened was real.
It wasn't a dream, or we'll nightmare, becouse he knew them well.
Losing Bezz had felt like a nightmare.
And God, had he wished it was, sk he could wake up soon, scarred, and his boyfriend, very much alive and well, would be there to comfort him. He'd lay his ear next to Marcos heart, and fall back to sleep listening to his steady heartbeat.
But it wasn't a nightmare.
Bezz was there. His Marco was there and he looked alive, and he suddenly didn't care about the posibility of the pills not working, and , if he was still alive and simply dreaming, waking up would feel like getting stabed .
But it was real. Marco was here. He was with Marco, finally, after so,so long.
Bezz started walking towards him, too slowly for his liking.
He couldn't move, frozen in place, as if a breath too heavy would ruin the moment. And then Marco embraced him.
For a second, Sava forgot how to breathe.
Then, the voice spoke again.
"Why did you do that?" He sounded sad, something Sava had learnd to hate. Marco should never be sad, especially not after everything.
"You promised you would have moved on"
He was pouting at that. Sava knew that Bezz would have hated the thought of him with another, but he also knew his boyfriend would hate the thought of him being sad more.
He sighed. They would probobly get the chance to talk about that, but right now didn't feel like a moment for a talk. Insted sava settled for a soft i missed you.
"I missed you too, God knows I did, but I didn't expect you here so soon"
"Well , I'm pretty sure I promised you at some point that I would be hard to get rid of , didn't I? " That had gotten a chuckle out of Bezz.
He had forgoten how easily it was to fall into their usual banter. The joking, the laughing.
Even when Bezz was in the brink of death, he keept joking, making him laugh, it had almost felt normal uf they didn't take the surroundings into account.
A hospital is hardly a place that makes you laugh.
Bezz had noticed that his mind went to wonderland( it had become like a joke between them at first. Every time bezz was distracted, sava would ask him how wonderland was, though he hadn't thought of those memories in a long time now)
"How's Peter Pan darling?"
"Oh shut up"
Bezz opened his mouth, clearly ready to ask what was wrong, if the slight frown told him anything.
Sava didn’t let him.
He stepped forward and kissed him. It was soft, innocent. It was a quick moment, not enough to make up for the lost years, but they had all the time now. Finally.
And when they pulled away, Bezz just looked at him with that familiar expression, somewhere between surprised and amused.
Sava still felt guilty for leving everyone behind, but he was willing to live with the feeling for as long as he got to embrace his love, his husband again.
They would all eventually join them too, and looking at them from up wasn't the worst thing ever.
He would have loved to be with Marco while alive, to experience all that life had to give alongside him, but since life had diferent plans, they got to be together in the afterlife.
He remembers that at Marc and Vales wedding , a drunk Jorge had gotten up and made a tost to the two assholes who couldn't be separated by death itself, and looking back, maybe they weren't the only ones.