Work Text:
They had been playing with the rope for far too long; Yone pulled, held on tightly, and Kayn followed him, but then the tension suddenly decreased and one of them would fall, the opportunity they were pulling on would return to the starting point and the younger one would lose his way, like a bat incapable of emitting sounds, like a dog without a sense of smell, he would once again find himself running in circles. But then at some point he would feel the rope begin to exert tension once more, little by little Yone would pull it again, cautiously, but Kayn would react eagerly, clinging to it and losing his composure, his strong hands seeking to pull as hard as he could, regardless of whether the fiber began to hurt his skin.
He pulled, and then Yone once again took a step back. He was at a point where he no longer understood whether he should hold on or let go, he could not comprehend what was happening, but he was so tangled in the rope that at the slightest movement, he could only pull, waiting for Yone to grant him a tiny bit of mercy at some point; one more look, a kiss or a caress, any sign could be enough to unravel the knots that were slowly imprisoning his body, squeezing his heart.
—You’re causing too much trouble. —his boss was sitting in front of him and pointing at him, accusing him of being irresponsible, a headache, a pain in the ass—. You’re supposed to sell. Not… fight with the customers!
—It’s just that—
—I don’t need your excuses, Shieda —the white-haired man interrupted him without giving him a chance to justify himself—. I just need you to sell. Can you do that or would you rather find another job?
Silence reigned in the office for a second, Zed watched him, waiting for an answer. With those reproachful eyes, this was not the first time an altercation had occurred because of him. During that last week, he had been more “rebellious” than usual and therefore, his boss had been calling him into his office more and more often to put him back in his place, after all, he was an adult man even though he had only turned twenty-one not long ago.
—I can do it.
—Good. Then go. —Zed let his back fall against the backrest of the chair and looked incredulously at the boy with the two-toned hair, no matter how much he pressured him, Kayn never cut that braid that made him look informal in a job where his appearance spoke too loudly.
Shieda got up from the chair and left the office with frustration stuck in his chest. He was not going to justify his actions, because he did not really care what Zed—or anyone else—might say to him, so he walked down the hallway illuminated by warm lights and shoved his hands into the pockets of the high-waisted pants that did not suit his style. His shirt was too neatly ironed and his tie was too tight. Zed demanded too much from a young man who still clung to baggy pants and graphic T-shirts.
He left the hallway when he came across the stairs that would take him back to the building’s sales floor. The space was narrow and the white walls seemed to reflect the lights, making it look much smaller, perhaps that was why he moved away so quickly when, upon stepping onto the landing in the middle of the staircase, he found himself face-to-face with the owner of his deepest concerns. His eyes immediately traveled toward the unmoving face of the man who was several years ahead of him; sharp features, narrow eyes, thick eyelashes, and hair as dark as the universe tied in an immaculate ponytail.
Neither of them said anything. They simply moved around each other in the small space, as if touching were a sin for which they could burn. Kayn unconsciously sought to look at him a little longer, but he quickly lost sight of him when Yone continued climbing the same stairs that he was going down. His heart was beating rapidly, his entire body had tensed within a matter of seconds upon seeing him and a knot settled in his chest, he was unable to stop it, not even to greet him, and it was not that he did not want to, he simply could not.
He remained motionless on the stairs for a few seconds, hoping to be called, but the older man’s voice never reached his ears and that only made him walk down the stairs with heavy legs. Under his breath he muttered five hundred thousand insults and his frown was evidence of the inability he suffered to pretend to be normal.
—Remind your face that you’re happy —the voice of one of his coworkers could be heard when he finally reached the sales floor, he remained standing among the pieces of furniture displayed for exhibition—. You’ll scare all the customers away like that.
—I wouldn’t mind if they went to hell —Kayn grumbled as he looked at those who were looking at prices and models, he easily recognized who wanted to buy and who did not, he disliked people who only came in to look, they wasted their time and the time of all the other salespeople. If they didn’t have money, they could go to hell.
—Don’t be like that —Alune scolded him under her breath.
Kayn sighed heavily before softening his expression. He took his hands out of his pockets and adjusted his tie, he had told Zed he could do it and he would, because he made too much money at that job and did not want to lose it for anything in the world, so he smiled charmingly because he knew that a boy like him could easily attract customers. He spent the entire day doing what he knew how to do, he did not have much experience in the field but somehow managed to sell far too much, perhaps he was simply too handsome or maybe he just… had a way with words
The time to leave arrived along with the sun setting, and the warm night welcomed him into its arms as he followed the sidewalk that took him away from his work area. He tugged at his tie until he loosened it and unbuttoned the first button of his shirt while thinking about how well the day had gone, he would get a good commission at the end of the month and that would allow him to indulge himself in something besides saving, it was the best job in the world or it would be if it weren’t for Yone’s conflicting presence.
As he walked, he caught sight of Yone’s Toyota Yaris passing by out of the corner of his eye. He avoided looking because he didn’t want to seem desperate and held himself back even when he was desperate to catch his gaze. He pretended not to notice as he tugged at his shirt to pull it out from inside his pants and thus have a little more freedom, but his heart lost control when he saw the vehicle stop, he fought not to look, continued walking along the sidewalk and glanced at the bus stop a few steps away.
—Let me drive you.
Kayn felt his stomach turn over, Yone’s voice crossed his ears like a danger alarm, accelerating every cell in his body, coming within a step of making him lose his mind. He would give anything to hear him whisper right against his damn skin, but it seemed that longing was simply going to remain just that, a childish yearning, like that of someone who dreams of the existence of dragons and mermaids.
—Now you want to talk to me? —Kayn looked from where he stood toward the inside of the car, the open window allowing him to see the older man’s face, shadows and lights playing across his pale skin.
—Yes —Yone frowned in confusion.
It worked. Kayn walked toward the car and forcefully closed the door after getting into the back seats, remaining at one end while his two-toned gaze met the dark eyes watching him through the rearview mirror, between the light emitted by the streetlamps and the darkness inside the car.
—Do you have something to say to me? —Kayn asked sourly, feeling too watched.
—Nothing —Yone looked away before starting to move the vehicle, he had expected the other to sit beside him, not to keep his distance by going in the back.
—Then go to hell.
The older man said nothing, simply drove because what the younger one said did not affect him. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about Kayn, he simply understood his attitude and although he couldn’t argue in order to portray him as a good boy, neither did he have him pegged as some kind of idiot. He understood that things weren’t being easy for Shieda, because he was precisely the one holding the situation back. He was attracted to him, to his surly attitude, to his heterochromic eyes and that aggressive vocabulary, he was dying to put his hands on him.
But he didn’t want to play with him. He didn’t want a minute, or a night, or an hour, he wanted more and understood well that rushing things would not end well. He wanted… to court him with patience, with care, and Kayn, on the other hand, seemed desperate for a quick fuck. The thing he wanted least was to hurt him, but he wasn’t stupid, much less a child, he was realizing the situation. But how could he communicate it clearly? Even for him, stopping his heart was difficult.
He could have caught him on the stairs.
He could have asked him to sit beside him.
He could look at him more often.
But he simply held the rope from the longer end. He had not yet become tangled in it the way Kayn had, and saw everything from a more patient point of view, even when his most recurrent desire was to bury himself between those elegant hands. If he were not so strong, he would have fallen into those narrow lips months ago. He was dying with want, his ears burned, his mouth went dry and his stomach clenched so hard he wanted to vomit, because he knew the other’s urgency and was afraid of taking too long. Where should he begin? If he took one step, Kayn ran six.
—This is it, right? —Yone asked when he finally reached the apartment complex where he had dropped the younger man off other times, stopped the car and turned slightly to look at the other.
He only managed to see the other figure abruptly getting out of the car before returning to his position and looking straight ahead. He sighed in frustration, because he understood both his own point of view and Shieda’s, he knew why he was angry, he did not need him to tell him and even so, he wanted to take a little more time… to get to know a little more about that boy with the smug smile, and even so, he turned off the car’s engine and got out at a quick pace to follow him through the night.
What if Kayn quit before they got anywhere? In the same hurried way he had become hooked, he could become disillusioned, he could leave without even trying it. He had gone so long without going on dates that he had forgotten that those kinds of things could happen. He was seeming disinterested, perhaps too much so.
—Kayn! —he called as he advanced, following his steps, looking at his back marked by the white shirt. The way his incredibly long braid fell, creating that contrast against the uniform that sought elegance—. Kayn!
He didn’t need to be a genius; anyone else would have simply continued on their way, turning a deaf ear to his calls, but Shieda stopped and turned to look at him with that naive hope in his eyes, with that expression that sought to appear disinterested even when it was clear that he was only waiting for one damn romantic scene. A kiss, a confession, or a simple caress on the cheek. Yone was no longer sure whether that had been a good idea. How do you deal with overwhelming intensity? With that fire he radiated, with the fervor Kayn couldn’t hide.
Yone moved forward. With fragile legs, with his heart in his hands and affection shining in his eyes, his gaze far too frank, anyone with experience in romance could have noticed the affection reflected in his pupils, but Kayn was not at the same point, he was only just learning to understand something that sought to go beyond impulsiveness and for that very reason, Yone did not know how to walk, whether firmly or cautiously, a single movement was enough for the younger man to lose his composure, like an animal tangled in barbed wire, under the adrenaline he kept pulling and only managed to hurt himself. Then any sign would be one more wound.
—What is your problem? —Kayn complained as he took a step back, even when all he expected was for the older man to pounce on him, he was incapable of seeing it, he was still looking for physical proof when the truth was that, to the other man, that did not define the situation.
Others would make empty promises, offer simple caresses, but Yone wanted to give him the moon, not just… swear it to him.
—Are you following me now? —Kayn frowned as he raised his hands, pointing at the dark-haired man who had stopped just under two meters away from him—. What for? Are you going to kiss me or are you going to ignore me again?
—No.
—No what?! —Kayn felt his frustration rising like the fires of hell. He didn’t understand what the hell he wanted. Did he like him or not? And if he did like him, why didn’t he act? What was he afraid of? What the hell was he waiting for? He only wanted to find the knot that kept him trapped in that dreadful tangle. A kiss, a confession, or the brush of their hands.
—I’m not going to kiss you.
Kayn let out a displeased whine, inexperienced, petulant. He couldn’t understand; if Yone wasn’t going to kiss him, what the hell was he doing in front of him? Like that, with those black eyes and that expression that made his heart turn a thousand times over. What was he looking for? What did he want? He would have already punched someone else in the face, but with Yone he simply couldn’t, because the only thing he craved was proof, a tiny glimmer that would feed his hope.
—Because I want to go beyond a kiss —Yone remained where he was. Feeling the nighttime breeze, illuminated by the streetlights that lit up the avenue—. I don’t want just caresses, Kayn. I want love, the kind you water, the kind you build on foundations of steel.
Silence surrounded them, cars passed behind them and they looked at each other, Yone waiting for an answer, while the younger man simply stared at him as if he were some kind of magical goblin that had crawled out of the sewers. Foundations? What the fuck was he talking about? This wasn’t some damn construction project! They weren’t going to build a fucking building! He was trying to get him to be his boyfriend, he wanted to kiss him, go on dates, hug and hold hands. Build? Water?
—Pff —was the sound he made as he held back the laugh that rose from the mockery. His point of view was completely different and his smile only grew before he burst out laughing as if the older man had told the funniest joke in the world.
Yone looked at him without understanding what he was laughing at. Was he making fun of him? He had just confessed his feelings and the younger man simply seemed to be having fun as if he were some damn clown. What joke had he told him? He felt embarrassed, his cheeks inevitably burning, and he frowned as he shoved his hands into his pockets, waiting for the brat standing in front of him to stop laughing.
—Build? —Kayn questioned once he could finally form something beyond laughter. His mismatched eyes settled on the face now avoiding his—. Love isn’t built, it just happens. If you’re making up this many excuses, maybe you don’t like me as much as you say you do.
Yone felt annoyed.
What did Kayn know? With that arrogant look, with that attitude still marked by the naivety of someone who had only just begun to live, he didn’t need to think too hard to understand the younger man’s point of view. He too had thought that way once, and that was why he tried to understand him. He didn’t want to get angry with him, but it was also true that he had no obligation to teach him the way he believed was right. Because he had learned over time that falling in love was not the same as loving; desire was only the beginning, but you did not sustain a relationship with caresses alone, you did not draw the future with the same stroke you used to write the present.
—Maybe I expected too much from you —Yone opened his mouth only to vent the anger that had risen all the way to his uvula—, but in the end, you’re nothing more than a brat.
His tone sought to strike back. For a second, he simply forgot the maturity he was supposed to have gained; for a moment, he lowered himself to Kayn’s level, to his lack of patience, to his inexperienced understanding of bonds beyond the romance that flowed through fairy tales. Because that seemed to be Kayn’s view of all of this. Kisses and that’s it? Caresses and nothing more? That wasn’t love. What Kayn wanted were butterflies in his stomach; what Yone was looking for was the feeling that came afterward.
Living together. Familiarity. Being a team. Choosing each other even when caresses were no longer enough, staying by each other’s side after arguments and apologizing even when they would rather carry their pride all the way to the end. Kayn thought about what he felt in the present; Yone was looking for something to hold on to until the end.
—Immature —Yone said before the younger man could refute him—. Impatient and naive! What do you want? Do you want something serious or are you simply infatuated? Because if a kiss is what you want, I can give you one!
—I-
—I can hold your hand! —he didn’t let him speak, because he was angry, because over the last few months he had wanted to take his time, get to know him and let himself be known, but he had realized how inexperienced the other was—. I can put you in my bed if that’s what you want and fuck you like you expect! But do you only want that? Do you really not want anything more?
It hurt him. He knew that putting it that way was a mistake, but he hadn’t thought about it until he was finished. When he saw the expression on the other man’s face, when he felt that his shoulders no longer weighed him down and that he no longer had that knot rubbing against his chest, he could only hope he hadn’t made too great a mistake. Because after all, Kayn was not immune to his words or actions. He had noticed it from the beginning, from the first time they exchanged glances, there had always been attraction, the flame that burned them, the rope that choked them.
Silence flooded over them and Kayn was no longer looking at him.
—I just… want your affection —Shieda murmured.
Yone looked at him, his gaze traveling over that dejected face, and sighed wearily. He hadn’t expected that answer; it made his stomach turn in a second, and dealing with Kayn’s inexperienced fervor was so complicated. He didn’t want to lead him down the wrong path, he didn’t want to become one hundred percent of his world, and the bicolored-haired boy still had a lot to understand. The age difference wasn’t too great, but it wasn’t insignificant either.
He had to grow. Experience. Learn.
—I don’t want to tie you to me yet.
He declared, but nevertheless moved toward him and cautiously wrapped his arms around him. He felt his body tense, the heat emanating from him, and the scent that entered his system like a rebellious breeze. He understood, and for that very reason he simply held the rope cautiously, taking small steps, trying not to become tangled in those knots Kayn had formed while trying to move forward. Many would say there was no great difference, but Yone, as the older of the two, knew there was.
They saw things differently.
Kayn longed for fervor. Yone sought stability.
—It’s complicated.
One of his hands caressed the strong hair, the other clung to the other man’s back to pull him closer against his chest. He rested his cheek against the other’s forehead and felt the tension in Shieda gradually begin to lessen, until he simply allowed himself to be held and raised his hands to cling to him as well. He heard him sniff his shirt like an idiot and smiled silently, aware of all the inexperienced gestures the other man might make.
—You’re the one making it complicated —Kayn accused as he lifted his gaze to look at those eyes in which he had lost himself. He felt as though his hands were tied and his legs tangled—, when it’s so simple to just… move forward.
—I want to know where we’re going —Yone looked into those eyes, one amber and the other crimson. They held that gaze so common in a twenty-year-old; it was pure instinct, all promises, all dreams—, that way we can be more than a month or a year.
—What difference does it make? —Kayn frowned and pulled away, but Yone captured him again, holding on with a little more eagerness. It was the first time they had been this close, and the warmth was better than he could have imagined—. If it’s meant to be, it will be, and if it isn’t, then we’ll just hate each other in the end.
—That’s exactly what I don’t want —Yone murmured, his fingers brushing aside the blue lock that had escaped and fallen across the other man’s face. It was so difficult for him to resist now that he had him in his arms; he didn’t know how he was going to let him go—. If I’m going to take your hand, I don’t want to have to let you go afterward.
He proceeded cautiously, trying to protect them. He didn’t want to hurt Kayn, and he didn’t want to hurt himself either. What if they fell into that greed? How would he stop afterward? Letting him go could be his own end. He didn’t want to be selfish, but it was even difficult to restrain his own hands, his schemes and his vehemence; he felt the heat in his body simply from sensing his fragrance. How could he let him go if he failed? He was afraid.
—Then don’t —Kayn didn’t fight the hold, he simply got what he wanted: Yone’s gaze, his touch, his undivided attention. Yone was looking only at him, with that intensity that threatened to suffocate him mercilessly; he wanted that vigor, that hunger—. You don’t have to let me go.
—What if you leave anyway?
Kayn looked at him because he was seeing something he hadn’t been able to see before. He understood the distance a little better; Yone was running away, like a dog with its tail between its legs. He was scared because he had probably experienced the painful side of affection. Now he could see it, the depth in his eyes, the way he searched for his lips with his gaze, the eagerness with which his hands held him back.
He could see how the rope was tightening around his throat.
Kayn didn’t know what to answer, because he could have made fun of him, but he didn’t. He simply raised his hand to the other’s face; beneath that neutrality, it was now easy to find the most terrified man. The more Shieda tangled himself up, the less rope remained and the tighter it squeezed his neck; that was why Yone continued to keep him from pulling any further.
—Today I’m just going home —Kayn teased anyway, pressing his lips into a line, pretending he hadn’t just said what had come out of his mouth. His hand lowered slightly.
Yone sighed heavily and simply leaned forward until he rested his head on the other’s shoulder, wondering what the hell he had done to get himself tangled up with that idiot.
—Don’t say cheesy things like that again.
—Shut up —Yone hid his face in the black hair, pretending he hadn’t just said the most embarrassing thing of his life while trying to explain something that would have been easier to address with the truth.
—We’ll water feelings and foundations.
—Shut up —He had gotten himself into this mess.