Chapter Text
Growing up maybe didn’t go how Kou wanted but he never complained.
The straight path already carved by his older brother seemed the right thing to be loyal to.
His family had a good economic position so he never really needed anything that was out of his reach, none of his parents really cared about the money spent as long as their kids didn’t complain about something not monetary.
For Kou, the concept of loving and feeling loved seemed out of his hand.
Seeing how his father sometimes refused to look at him was one of the most disheartening sensations he has ever felt, he didn't know why but since he was born things had always been like this between him and this man.. but at that time he still had his mother even if she always took his husband’s side.
He just can’t get himself to hate her, unlike with his father.
His parents and their lack of touch and closeness led to their kids lack the feeling of belonging and feeling cared for.
Love, apart from being a noun is also a feeling, and since he doesn’t understand it nor have it he is fucked up in brief words.
Why does he crave something so bad he doesn’t know the feeling of?
But anyway, he thinks it’s a total waste of time and thinking, instead of hanging out with a girlfriend he could be sleeping or maybe playing games.
Not being in his hand didn't mean he never tried to reach out for it, don’t get him wrong:
At home he decided it was a failed mission already, the only idea of trying to search for any feeling or care in his parents was quite unbelievable.
So then, in that case, he paid attention to the pretty girls in his class once in a while to see if any of them caught his eye and he could finally feel normal and in place for once in his life.
He has never loved anyone romantically and liking girls as a boy was the normal thing to do.
He had an internalized feeling of impending doom every once in a while and every time his mind told him stuff about maybe not liking girls this feeling grew in his chest, which hurted physically as if his heart was too big for his body.
Maybe something is wrong with him and he can’t just put his finger on it.
Every time he sees him his heart skips a beat unconsciously, as if his body knows something his brain refuses to speak up about while arguing with his own heart.
Every time he has a conversation with him, eye to eye, his body feels like it is inside a microwave and he feels like he is going deaf just by looking at his beautiful face at any moment, plus his sweat glands go crazy with just a small interaction.
Now, he couldn’t hear music like a normal person anymore because every song that goes through his ears is a reminder of him, as if he has been put on a spell he couldn’t get away from.
That boy is the prettiest guy ever.
Mitsuba Sousuke, a classmate of his which isn’t very popular either, was undeniably attractive at least for him and also gay, of course he knows it.
It's not like this guy tries to hide it anyway.. His hair is pink! How can he not be gay?
Kou feels like a piece of shit and the worst person on earth when he thinks this way, it makes him feel old and close-minded, like his father, and somehow with also a conservative ideology he despises.
Thinking about this leads to a bittersweet feeling in his throat which reminds him of how horribly he was raised.
Out of all the things he can hate, the one he decides to hate on is love even if he really tries not to.
How can Sousuke keep up with his life being like that?
He does everything like a normal person, studies, hangs out with classmates and.. he is still gay!
Minamoto admires him for that, not because he has deeply rooted thoughts about liking the same gender (...) but because he can’t understand why Sousuke doesn’t think liking guys as a guy is the end of the world.
It is not like Sousuke presents himself saying his name and giving the fact that ‘he is gay’ but you just know it when you look at him. Kou is quite fed up with his own stereotypes at this point but his mind doesn’t know how to work otherwise.
Why couldn’t he just get over this?
He feels quite jealous about him, he also wants to feel as free as he does.
The blond just wants to feel comfortable in his own skin.
He doesn’t paint his nails.
He doesn’t have ‘girly’ hobbies (he cooks but because no one else in his house does).
He has liked girls in the past (?)
He doesn’t paint his hair.
He doesn’t have delicate features.
He’s not sensitive at all.
He doesn’t dress feminine.
This was a matter of fact on his own words, Kou Minamoto, the middle son from the Minamoto lineage, is, in fact, not a homosexual.
Do his friends also have these kinds of conversations with their own selves?
He can’t really imagine Yoko and Satou interrogating themselves like this.
I mean, it is totally not odd trying to prove yourself wrong about something YOU feel but yeah they might just not experience this kind of contradictions, he doesn’t think they usually fight about brain or heart.
Sometimes he really thinks about the topic of people casually making out with the same gender but still being obsessed with the opposite on a daily basis and denying the allegations.
Isn’t making out quite a serious thing? Feeling someones’ pulse by kissing their neck, tasting their chapstick from their own lips and then laying down smiling at each other and whispering how much you love them sounds REALLY precious and intimate.
He wouldn’t like to do that with someone that didn’t mean a lot to him.
Why is he thinking about this anyway? He ‘of course’ doesn’t want to make out with a boy nor has he had his first kiss yet either, all that is.. quite scary.
When he imagined his future there was always a woman there, and that thought made him wish he didn't get to reach adulthood, never.
All those years of being forced into social norms were catching up to him, maybe Sousuke wasn’t raised like him so that’s why being a boy kisser was not the end of the world through his eyes.
He imagines his days being quite boring, him arriving from work and saying hello to his wife who has dinner ready even if he didn’t ask for it and then at night they would just lay down on their shared bed and if he was lucky they wouldn’t kiss or make out because only thinking about being intimate with a woman made him light-headed.
He is a bit scared when he thinks about it because he just can’t bring himself to think about declining his wife’s request because then maybe she would think he’s one of those or that he’s asexual which, still, is on the queer spectrum.
Not that getting close to a man didn’t gross him out too but if it was Sousuke then he would do whatever it takes, and most importantly, happily.
But he just can’t bear the fact of having a seat reserved for Teru in his wedding and him not being there because the person he is marrying is a guy and that’s ‘unacceptable’.
Neither does he know Teru's opinion about this subject but he always imagines the worst.
The only thought of him sleeping in the crook between Mitsuba’s collar bone and neck did alter something in him, as if he wanted to bury in his blankets and only think about it for the whole night while kicking his feet and waiting for the sun to rise so that he could see him in class again.
Him caressing his lover’s cheek, stroking his pink hair and telling him how much he loves him was, in simple words, the picture he wanted to portray when thinking about his future, this did make him want to grow older unlike the other image.
Can’t gay people just stop liking the same gender?
Little does he know that it just doesn't work like that.
It would be an unpleasant statement for his father finding out his son is.. this way.
He couldn’t sleep tonight and instead decided to go through a few forums just to solve some normal doubts about his last statement of ‘not being a homo’, just to support the idea that he was super straight and in love with some female out there, just hadn’t found it yet.
After a few checking of sites that offered conversion therapy (he thinks this might work for him) he decided to check for more legal sites where real people talks about themselves instead, hopefully making him open his eyes and realize how gross it is to be thinking about being with a man while being one.
‘If you’re specifically looking for this kind of forums you might be queer, and that’s okay’
A post in a twitter thread stated.
Maybe, just maybe, people who don’t have these feelings don’t look for ‘how to stop thinking about a boy’ or ‘how to have a crush on a girl’.
Just an advice though, it was just a stranger in a social app.. that maybe had gone through something similar before getting into terms with themselves.
Enough internet for tonight, he turned off his phone and sat down in his bed, closing his eyes and intertwining his fingers.
‘God, if you’re out there and you see me, please put me in the right direction and if you don’t want to do that then send me a sign or maybe take my life soon enough so that I can’t do that myself first’
He was never a religious person but sometimes when things aren’t well the only thing you have left is to pray and hope for the better, hoping he was not going to be burnt alive in that exact moment for having those thoughts about the same sex.
Nevertheless, being a homosexual is not ‘the wrong path’ neither makes him a worse person than he already thinks he is.
Within 15 minutes and almost on the verge of dozing off, Kou’s phone buzzed.
He checks it, it’s late so it’ll be weird if it was someone he knows is texting him.
If this was a sign from the heavens and above it was either:
- A) A conversion therapy email
- B) A text from his father
- C) Something that maybe proved his feelings weren’t odd.
He squeezed his eyes shut and inside his head he made a countdown.
‘3,2,1..’ And opened his eyes hoping for the best.
Just so you know, if you flip a coin to make a decision and you feel unsatisfied with the result from it then you have made your choice already.
‘HOLY!’ He yelled in his room, hopefully Teru has not been awakened by this.
Beforehand, sorry God for saying such a word out of something not so saint.
A text message from, prepare yourself:
THE ONE AND ONLY SOUSUKE MITSUBA!
You know, in tests, answer C is always the correct one.
Yes, the same boy with feminine features, magenta eyes and pink hair which Kou can’t stop thinking about.
Maybe he was not so normal about him and not everyone wanted to do those things with one of their friends but whatever he was feeling was making his body temperature rise and his face flush inevitably.
You just don’t casually wonder and fantasize about doing all these things with your friend.
He despises thinking about the fact that he might be queer.
Am I bisexual? I mean I do find some girls cute but he wouldn’t like to carve a hole inside their heart and sleep inside of it for eternity unlike with Sousuke who with he did want to.. but isn't liking both things the exact definition of bisexual?
But hey! Let’s stop thinking about gay people's mortality rate and instead let’s see what the pink haired boy has to say.
📸:
Minamoto-kun!
I text you so late because I’m going crazy over searching for my math book and since I sit behind you in class I was wondering if you have 2 books by any chance!!
Sorry for asking so late.
In fact, the blond is not really sure whether he has it or not but checking wouldn’t harm anyone.
He jumped out of bed kneeling in front of his backpack and to his surprise he did have 2 math books, what a marvelous coincidence… You know what? This might be a divine chance God has given him to get close to his true self! or Sousuke just wanted his math book.
🦁:
Hii
I do have 2 books! I’m sorry I must have taken it by mistake, I’ll give it to you tomorrow
Did his ‘Hii’ sound too.. girly? He doesn’t want Sousuke to think he’s one of them too.
He is not queer (...) so he doesn’t want to hint that to Sousuke..
Kou, apart from being a little piece of shit was also a person with so much internalized homophobia and prejudices (led by his father) which could flood the entire world, if you couldn't tell.
The pink haired boy reacted to his message with a heart and it made Kou’s heart stop for a second.. or his heart to almost jump out of his chest.. How about both at the same damn time!?
A new search was made in his phone after this awkward conversation:
Can a 14 year old die from a cardiac arrest sudden
is conversion therapy legal in Japan
how to talk with a guy
Am I gay quiz
Seriously, he does have an issue with conversion therapy because his dad always used to bring the subject up when he saw someone holding a rainbow flag in the news or people from the same sex holding hands, slurring comments like ‘back in my day those were treated so that they could be normal!’ as he took another sip from his beer.
All the feelings stuffing in his chest made him feel as if the walls from his room were approaching all of a sudden, his heart beat too fast and his ribcage felt too tight and small for his incriminating heart.
And it was not because of the message he just received anymore.
Am I not normal then?
The only brief thoughts he has about putting something inside somewhere were driving him mad, it was unthinkable to be doing such things with someone (neither man or woman).
He just wants to say ‘I love you’ to Sousuke on a daily basis and hold hands with him and also stroke his hair and maybe give him small kisses when no one was looking and also if he was lucky have a sleepover with him and then maybe make breakfast for the two of them the morning after.
Kou Minamoto, the middle son from the Minamoto lineage, is, for instance, not so normal about this boy.
Am I fucked up? Or maybe he’s just 16 having a sexuality crisis in a homophobic household.
Kou Minamoto is a piece of shit and he knows that for sure but to make things worse he has committed a horrible crime.
He definitely had a heart, a tell-tale heart which couldn’t keep secrets from himself.