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He could have loved her.
He does love her.
It feels strange, loving someone after spending just a few short days with someone, with half of that time spent loathing her. But, holding Jyn Erso in his arms, he loves her.
He doesn’t know how long he felt this way, when exactly his loathing melted away to respect and that blossomed into the incredibly strong feeling of love he felt for this woman. It had only hit him mere moments earlier, leaving the communications tower, when he realizes just how beautiful Jyn is. How hadn’t he noticed?
Holding her in his arms, he doesn’t know how things could have been, if they had been different. He has only exchanged scarce few words with her that don’t involve rebellion, the empire, hope. How would they have interacted, had they survived, grew old together. What would they speak of, with no war between them? Would she have wanted this too? Feeling Jyn cling to him, feeling her body pressed to his, he just knows that she’s feeling the same too.
Cassian had been fighting for the Rebellion all his life. He had done terrible things, some he regretted and some he didn’t, all with the hopes of making the galaxy better. That was all he cared about. Part of him felt at peace with this - he had done his part, now it was up to others to continue the fight. But another part of him wanted so much more.
Jyn made him feel human, in a way he hadn’t in some time. For so long, years perhaps, he felt like a cog in the machine of the Rebellion. He had resented Jyn’s comments about him being a stormtrooper, resented her. But the reason it hit deep was because it was true. He lost sight of himself and Jyn, wonderful, miraculous Jyn, reminded him of what he was fighting for, reminded him of the man he was.
He had no idea if everyone would have taken the actions they had without Jyn being there. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe he’d be alive, though alive in the shadow of the empire. But he’d be alive without truly living. The past few, fleeting moments, as destruction was near, were the only ones he could remember feeling alive.
“Thank you,” Cassian rasped, as the light came closer, and closer. He had so many things he wanted to say, so many words that went unspoken. But no words, no phrase could be closer to what he truly felt.
“Cassian,” Jyn replied, and they were gone.