Work Text:
Jessica Dubois-Johnson was waiting for her Metro train to arrive when she saw them. The tired employee walked away from the ad he was installing, advertising a new space exhibit at the Air and Space Museum. It featured a painting by a local artist of the crew aboard the Project Hail Mary.
Dr. Olesya Ilyukhina.
Commander Yao Li-Jie
Dr. Ryland Grace.
The artist depicted them in warm hues of yellow, ranging from a nearly orange mustard for the shadows to a pale butter yellow for the sunshine. They were posed reaching up to some far-away star, halos of light behind their heads, like angels.
The three faces barely anyone knew before they sacrificed themselves to save humanity. The Earth’s heroes. The unforgotten deaths.
Jessica felt her fists curl inwards. She tried to avoid mentions of the mission, but they still sometimes snuck up on her. Her heart pounded, and her skin prickled.
Thankfully, the mural was soon blocked by the incoming train. My brother should be up there, she thought indignantly to herself as she stepped on.
*********
The two of them were always close. Sure, they bickered and fought like most siblings, but they always had an unshatterable bond. Their mother used to joke about them having telepathy, but the truth was they understood each other so well, they could read each other effortlessly.
Ever since they were kids, Martin was obsessed with space. Most children had their interests, but Martin’s was more of an obsession. He insisted on an astronaut theme for every birthday party, covered his ceiling with glow-in-the-dark stars, and insisted that, one day, he would leave the atmosphere and fly to space. Most adults figured it was a passing phase, but Jessica knew that they were wrong.
Growing up near Houston, NASA was part of everyday life. They went on field trips to the Johnson Space Center, where Martin would bombard the tour guide with questions about everything. Jessica, terrified of heights, was more interested in animals than possible aliens.
While she studied veterinary medicine, Martin, always an overachiever, earned his doctorates in physics, biology, and chemistry. He devoted himself to preparing his astronaut application. He worked overtime to earn enough hours, wrote three research papers, and nearly got LASIK so his eyes were 20/20 without correction. Unfortunately, he wasn’t selected for training. Jessica was sitting with him as he received the news. Jessica had never seen her brother sob like that in her entire life. When his tears stopped, she saw a determined glimmer in his eyes.
Despite the disappointment, he ended up working at NASA’s biology research center in California. Martin soon became the top researcher and head of the laboratory. He received medals and awards, but he still talked about going to space one day.
Jessica became a veterinarian and moved to Washington, D.C. Texas had a place in her heart, but she needed something more than a small town in the South could give her. It was hard starting over, but she was able to start her own veterinary practice. She had always had a fondness for animals, and caring for them was difficult but rewarding. She fell in love and got married to a man with kind eyes and a love of foster kittens. Even though life hadn’t gone according to plan for the siblings, they were content.
It was around Christmas when Martin announced to his family he was going on a suicide mission to space. Jessica and her husband had flown in from DC, and Martin supposedly came from California, but his flight came from Germany. They had all gathered around for slices of warm pie with cold French vanilla ice cream. “Jingle Bell Rock” was playing from the Bluetooth speaker. Suddenly, Martin stood up, cleared his throat, and said he had some big news.
“You finally got a girlfriend?” Jessica laughed. Martin joked that he was married to his research and had never had much luck in the romance department. She told him he might need to tone down the space décor in his condo. Martin answered that they could take his vintage NASA posters from his cold, dead hands.
Martin shook his head.
“No, I’m finally going to space.” Despite him announcing that his literal childhood dream was coming true, his face was serious.
“What’s on your mind, Marty?” Their mom asked, “I’d think you’d be jumping and dancing?”
“Well, there’s a catch. I won’t be coming home,” Martin answered.
“Huh?”
“I’m under a lot of NDAs, but it’s a one-way trip. I can’t say more than that.”
Everyone fell silent. The rest of dessert was deadly silent. All Jessica could hear was the clanking of cutlery and the carols shifting from “Santa Baby” to “Blue Christmas”. The bite of pie felt like paste in Jessica’s throat. She had her own personal announcement, but it seemed to be off the table now. No one talked beyond excusing themselves to go watch the game or get another drink and disappear. No one wanted to be surrounded by the concept of death during Christmas.
Martin left the table silently, and Jessica followed him. He went back to the childhood bedroom and sat on the twin bed. She sat next to him.
“Why can’t you wait a little longer? You probably can become an astronaut and still come home,” she asked him.
Martin sighed.
“I don’t know if there’ll be a next time, Jess,” he said solemnly. “I’m going to tell you something, but it can’t ever leave this room.”
Jessica nodded.
“Ok, bring it on.”
“Have you ever heard of the Petrova Line?”
“The petro what?”
“The Petrova Line. It’s this line of bacteria that is coming for the sun. If we don’t stop it, it’ll block out all the light and cause mass famine. We found a star that wasn’t affected, and we’re traveling to find out why. The problem is it’s really fucking far away from us! Even with the best technology, it’ll take a decade to reach it. We’ll fly out, gather info and fly it back. We won’t come home, but we’ll save the Earth.”
“Why can’t someone else do it?”
“They called me specifically. I’m the best scientist that they can send.”
She groaned.
“Fine,” Jessica said. “I was planning on telling everyone this at dinner, but- you’re going to be an uncle.”
Martin stared at her, speechless.
“Wait, really?”
“Yes, you dingbat. Don’t you want to meet your new niece or nephew? You know if you leave, it will destroy Mom and Dad. It will destroy me.”
“I’m keeping this planet alive, so your kid doesn’t have to deal with mass famine and wars! Even if I can’t meet them, I kept them safe.”
“I still don’t see why you want it so bad! You aren’t alone, Martin. It’s selfish to think you can fly up to space and die without hurting anyone!”
“Jessica. You know why.”
Jessica had no words left in her. She started to tear up.
“I just… I don’t… I can’t be an only child!” she cried, feeling pathetic. She knew it was probably the hormones, but she couldn’t control it. She had never lived in a world without her brother. The thought of losing him hurt like hell. Martin pulled her into a hug as her body shook with sobs.
“I don’t want to leave everything behind, but the world needs me. Tell them about me and how I wanted to keep the earth safe,” Martin said reassuringly. “I’m doing this for you.”
“But it still hurts,” Jessica said softly.
“I know.”
After what felt like hours, Jessica wiped her eyes.
“Fine, you can go. Just do one thing for me.”
5 months later
Being 9 months pregnant sucked. Jessica was tired and cranky, and she constantly needed to pee. Her scrubs barely fit, and giving exams to large dogs was impossible. She was grateful for her break time, and the bag of salt and vinegar chips she packed was calling her name.
As she crunched on the chips, she started scrolling on her phone mindlessly. She had set up an alert for Martin’s space mission, Hail Mary, but news was sporadic and vague. Jessica had to keep it a secret what her brother was doing. Nobody in life knew except for her husband and parents.
He was occasionally allowed to send (heavily censored) letters to them. He was always upbeat, discussing some biology stuff that was being taught by G, which was redacted with thick, black bars. He apparently met another scientist, whom he called AS for privacy reasons.
She was funny, he said, and smart. AS had a knack for learning and loved singing Paramore songs at karaoke, especially “Misery Business.”
Jessica wrote letters telling him about work, life, and his unborn niece. She didn’t know if her letters were censored or even made it to him, but it still felt important.
Suddenly, her phone started ringing. It was her mom. Jessica was confused by the call. Her mom never called her during her work hours because she knew Jessica couldn’t answer most of the time. She clicked accept and held the phone up to her ear.
“Hi, sweetheart,” her mom said with her thick Southern accent. She sounded somber and Jessica felt a shiver.
“What’s going on, Mom?” She asked, nervous about what she’d hear. Her mom stuttered for a second before speaking.
“It’s about Martin. I just got a call from the space agency.”
“Is he launching off?”
“No, Jessica, he’s gone.”
Even though she was at work, Jessica let out a blood-curdling scream.
Martin, her brilliant, kind, and slightly annoying brother, was dead.
********
Project Hail Mary launched the day Martina Dubois-Johnson entered the world. Despite being 2 weeks early, Marti was born strong and screaming. The minute Jessica saw her for the first time, she was in love.
Jessica hadn’t realized it at first. She didn’t have the TV on in her hospital room and her phone was still sitting in her bag. As she rocked Marti in her arms, her husband, Paul, was texting the pet sitter about the foster kittens’ feeding schedule.
“They launched the ship,” he said gently, trying to ease the blow. It had been only a few days since Martin’s death, and the spaceship her brother was supposed to be on was the last thing she wanted to hear about.
The agency didn’t even allow them to talk about the death. Jessica had to pass off her scream of seeing what she thought was a snake. She had to keep pretending at work like she hadn’t heard such horrific news.
“They sent up some guy named Ryland Grace instead,” her husband read aloud. Jessica crinkled her face. The government acted like her brother didn’t even matter. Maybe he never did to them.
***********
They refused to disclose details regarding his passing, but the agency told them it was an accident. Jessica immediately went into crisis mode. The agency, after multiple calls, finally agreed to fly her brother’s ashes back to the United States. Since she lived in D.C, Jessica agreed to pick them up from the airport. So, 3 months after her daughter was born, Jessica headed to the airport.
She arrived at Dulles early in the morning to wait at the gate for the plane’s arrival. She sat in one of the uncomfortable seats with her overpriced coffee and waited like Martin was just going to step off the plane. An older woman walked over and sat near her.
“Are you waiting for someone?” she asked softly.
“Yeah,” Jessica nodded. “My brother.”
“Me too,” the woman said. “I’m here to pick up my daughter, Annie. Can I wait with you?”
Jessica didn’t exactly want to sit with a stranger, but she impulsively agreed.
The two of them made awkward small talk. They talked a bit about the weather and sports before switching to discussing the people they were waiting for.
The woman’s name was Dana, and she had driven from Maryland to get here. Her daughter, Annie, had a PHD and created her own protocol during the research. . Dana mentioned her daughter’s accomplishments with pride. Annie loved Diet Cokes and overly complicated board games. She loved pop punk music in general, but her favorite band was Paramore. She hated scrambled eggs and dudes who didn’t take her seriously. She sounds fun, Jessica thought to herself.
Jessica told her about her brother. She kept it lighthearted, not trying to make the older women feel bad. She told her about his obsession with space, his one-track mind, and his insane collection of space-themed décor. Even though she was deep in the swells of grief, Jessica almost forgot for a minute that he was gone.
“You know, I think my Annie would like your brother.”
“Same here.”
They talked for so long, Jessica didn’t notice the suited figures in front of her until one cleared his throat. They looked like the agents from that Will Smith movie, she thought. One was a man with pale skin, freckles, and close-cropped red hair; the other had olive skin and her dark hair slicked into a bun. They both wore military dress and had scowls on their faces.
“I’m Officer Ortiz, and this is my partner, Officer Miller,” the woman introduced.
“What’s your name?” The redhead barked at Jessica.
“Um… Jessica Dubois-Martin,” she said, trying to keep her voice calm.
“What’s your relation to Martin Dubois?”
“I’m his younger sister.”
“And you?” Ortiz pointed to Mrs. Shapiro.
“Dana Shapiro. My daughter is Annabel Shapiro?”
The man nodded.
“Follow me,” Miller said as he ushered them out of their seats. The officers guided them to the cargo area. Jessica was confused about why Dana had to come as well. Wasn’t she waiting for her daughter?
As they entered the crowded warehouse, Jessica scanned the room. The two women were led to a 10-foot-tall shelf. Jessica could see a small black urn sitting next to a large metal container the size of a fridge. The minute Dana saw the container, she went pale.
“ANNIE!” she sobbed. “Oh, Annie,” Dana said, running her hands across the cold metal. Jessica felt a pang of empathy. She was grateful she could shield her parents just a little. Imagining losing her own daughter made her stomach churn.
The cargo employee picked up the urn and gingerly handed it to Jessica. It was lighter than she expected. All that remained of her six-foot-tall brother could fit in this tiny urn.
“Are they usually this light?” she asked.
“We couldn’t identify all of Martin’s remains. We could only confirm his head, torso, and his left leg. The other remains were too burnt,” Ortiz answered with a hint of sympathy.
“That makes sense,” Jessica said, not fully processing it. All she could think about was how the urn’s weight felt like Marti’s when she was born.
After a few minutes alone, the officers gave them duffel bags containing their relative’s possessions and guided them back to the main terminals. Dana had gone silent. Jessica turned to Dana.
“I’m sorry,” Jessica said. “I didn’t know that’s why you were here.”
“It’s ok, darling; I didn’t know your reason either.”
“I was kinda pretending he was still here.”
“Me too.”
*****************
Twelve years later
Jessica stepped into her home. She had spent the better part of the day removing socks from the stomach of a St. Bernard. She was tired and felt gross.
“I’m home!” she called out as she took off her work clogs.
“Mom!” Marti called out from the other room. Even though seeing the poster dampened her mood, Jessica put a happy face on for her daughter.
Marti was working on her homework in the kitchen. As soon as she heard her mom’s footsteps, she turned her head.
“Mom, you know what day it is?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” Jessica said teasingly. She mimed forgetfulness, pretending to think.
“It’s my birthday!” Marti giggled.
“Of course!” Jessica said, as if the idea had just come to her. “Dad’s bringing home pizza tonight and then we can open family gifts.”
Marti’s birthday party was last weekend at the trampoline park. Even though she had opened her friend’s gifts of nail polish and stuffed animals, the gifts from family were always opened on the actual birthday.
Her husband arrived home carrying two pizzas, one pepperoni and mushroom, the other plain sausage. As they ate their pizza slices, Jessica watched her daughter.
Marti was twelve now, closer to a preteen than a kid, all arms and legs. Her hair was styled in bouncy twists, and she wore her favorite lavender shirt. She had started her growth spurt, probably going to be tall like her uncle, but she didn’t share the same interests.
Marti would rather chase a soccer ball than do a science project. She was confident and bold, refusing to let anyone dull her down.
Despite their differences, Jessica sometimes saw the twinkle in Marti’s eye that Martin would get when he talked about space. She hoped that her daughter would keep it.
As Marti opened the gifts from her grandparents, who spoiled her rotten, Jessica felt a twinge of sadness. Marti’s birthday was always hard for her, even though it had been more than a decade.
Marti didn’t know the full truth about her uncle. She knew her Uncle Martin was dead, of course, but Jessica and her husband decided to try and shield her the best they could.
For almost ten years, Jessica had to keep the circumstances around Martin’s death a secret. 2 years ago, however, anonymous hackers broke into the European space agency, revealing to the world that her brother’s death wasn’t a car crash like the government made her say, but an accident covered up so the public wouldn’t question the Hail Mary project. The government finally acknowledged Martin and a fellow scientist, Annie Shapiro’s deaths, but it didn’t make Jessica feel any better. It felt like an old scar reopening.
“Is it uncle time?” Marti asked, jolting Jessica out of her thoughts.
Jessica nodded.
“Yeah, it’s time,” she said, pulling a USB drive out of her pocket.
*********
When she and her parents sorted through Martin’s possessions, she found a small flash labeled “Jess’s kid” in his neat handwriting. When she plugged it into the computer, she found 22 video files, 21 of them labeled 1-21 and the last labeled “for Jess”. She clicked on that one, and her brother’s face appeared on the screen.
Her breath stopped in her throat as the video began.
“Hey Jess!” Martin said cheerfully, waving at the camera. “I held up my end of the deal. I’m bulk filming these guys so you have enough for the kiddo ‘till she’s 21. Thanks for texting me that it’s a girl right before this,” he laughed.
“But seriously,” Martin continued. “I’m sorry I’m going to miss out on her. I’m sorry for doing this. I know you won’t agree with me, but I hope you can forgive me. You’re a good sister, Jess, and I know you’ll be great at the mom thing. Love you.” He waved goodbye and reached to turn off the camera, leaving her laptop screen black.
************
As she clicked on the twelfth video, Marti settled down to watch as her uncle appeared on the screen, dressed in a space camp shirt.
“Hey kiddo! Maybe you don’t want to be called that anymore. You are 12 now! 12 for me and your mom was…. interesting. I don’t know if she’d want you to hear this story, but once when I was 15 and she was 12, your mama wanted to dye her hair…”
************
That night, Jessica was sleepless. As her husband snored softly next to her and Marti slept down the hallway, Jessica couldn’t settle her mind. She stared out the window at the faint stars. She secretly wished that even though he didn’t reach the stars while living, his spirit made it.
Jessica watched the sky her brother loved so much and drifted into a restless sleep.