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Riyo's ceiling fan circled above her as she stared at it blankly, long hair curling around her where she lay. Her sheets were soft, but she could barely feel them over the nothingness. Something similar to turmoil was thrumming under her skin, but she had no way to let it out. She didn't really know how, not in a healthy way.
She blinked once. Twice. A third time.
If she ever showed her face, her true face, would everyone in the Cleaners be scared of her? Would they think she was weird? Riyo knew what it meant for someone to be “odd” or looked at as strange, even in a place as lawless as the Ground. She had gathered that it wasn’t particularly good.
So she made sure to mimic Enjin as closely as she could. He had saved her after all. Smile at people, start conversations, be honest (but not too honest!), always try to solve issues without violence.
That last one had been a steep learning curve. She had lashed out at Zanka more times than she could count when they were younger, always on edge around him, scissors level with his neck more than once at the slightest transgression. Riyo knew the quickest ways to end a life; she could’ve taken his easily at any point. Zanka himself wouldn’t even have realised what happened. Trust was a foreign concept to her. It still was more often than not.
But she didn’t. She calmed down, Enjin taught her how to relax around him, and she and Zanka became friends. Or…at least she hoped so. Were they friends? If anyone were to ask Riyo, she would affirm that yes, she and Zanka were friends! Really good ones! She would have killed Jabber for him if she had been allowed to. But if somebody were to ask Zanka the same question…what would he say? If he said they were friends, would he feel like he was lying?
Would Eishia feel like she was lying? Sweet, kind Eishia Stilza, the people pleaser who talked with Riyo, and walked around busy shopping districts with her, and followed her to cafes to eat treats on occasion. They were so different, and yet Riyo was drawn to her, wanted to be her friend. But Eishia deserved a friend who was more normal and knew how to act like a real person. Maybe Riyo should fall back from her a bit; it would be for the best, right?
And then there was Rudo…
Riyo was interested in him but more in the sense that he made her curious as opposed to anything else. She had a strong feeling that he was just like her. Missing the part of himself that made everyone else a “human”. But it seemed like Amo needed him more. Riyo would be lying if she said she wasn’t envious of how easily they had managed to fall into the same wavelength. What did it mean to be able to understand another person like that? To understand others at all.
Maybe if she knew, she’d be able to care about people the way she wanted to. Maybe they’d even care about her back and she wouldn’t feel so hard to reach.
And a human; what was that? Sometimes, Riyo wondered if she really was one. Maybe she belonged somewhere far from here, somewhere away from the Sphere and the Ground and all the chaos of her daily life. Somewhere far beyond the world where she currently resided. “Aliens”, they were called; she had seen that in a book before. Maybe that meant her.
Riyo grasped a lock of her hair and tugged it lightly. She needed to calm down, but once these thoughts started, they were always so, so hard to stop.
Because the truth was, losing her humanity (whatever that may mean) didn't really matter to Riyo. She was already aware she was a monster. It was just…what would everyone else think?
Would Eishia and Zanka even be able to look at her the same? She pulled on her hair a little harder, using both hands now.
Would she still be able to talk to Rudo? Or Tomme? Another slightly harsher tug, more so than the previous ones.
Would Corvus, someone she looked up to so much, send her away? After she had finally found somewhere she felt she could belong? More tugging.
And then there was Enjin. He was the one who had been able to convince her not to kill anymore. She wanted to be just like him. She had to. Because if she didn’t…who could she be? Herself? What a laughable thought. That couldn’t happen when Riyo had no idea who she was.
The girl curled up on her side now, tugging at her roots but barely registering the pain. Her breathing was getting shallow as panic started to rise within her. After another harsh pull, she finally let go and hugged herself - it was the only way to stop herself from screaming. Riyo’s eyes were squeezed shut as she tried to shut off the noise in her brain, failing miserably.
She was scared.
It hurts.
She was sad; she was lonely.
It hurts.
But it wasn’t as bad as it once was, right? It wasn’t as bad as it could be, right?
Riyo curled up into an even tighter ball. Anything to stop her from crying. Tears were a weakness, and she couldn’t afford to let them out over something as meaningless as her feelings. When did her emotions start getting so out of control? Maybe this place was making her soft.
Was that really so bad?
Maybe it would be better if she found a distraction. But, what could that possibly be? She had no goals, no motivations, nothing she really wanted out of life except to…belong, she supposed.
“Somewhere to belong”.
Somewhere she wasn’t forced to break down parts of herself until she felt nothing; not that that bothered her. Humanity was a useless thing. Yes, she had no need for it (so she told herself). She couldn’t relate to others in that regard.
It was what made you you, wasn’t it? It was what made Zanka strive to rise above his self-proclaimed mediocrity, what fuelled Rudo’s rage against the people of the Sphere. But Riyo felt close to nothing. Sometimes she looked at them and wondered what they saw her as. She hoped her mask was strong enough to disguise how fraudulent she was.
Riyo sat up slowly. The fan hadn’t stopped turning yet the room felt stuffy and too small. Were the walls always this close?
She crossed her legs and put her hands over her face, holding that position for a little while. When she removed them, she wore a bright grin as if nothing was ever wrong. A knock came at the door but she didn’t get startled. She just kept smiling, mind already drifting to somewhere safer like when her next fashion magazine was getting delivered.
“Yo, Riyo! You in there?” came Enjin’s voice, muffled by the thick door.
She slid off her bed and padded towards the door, swaying slightly.
“Hello!” she chirped as she opened it.
“There we are! Huh? You okay?”
Riyo’s face gave away nothing.
“What’re you talking about? I’m good.”
“Hm,” was Enjin’s only response. With no warning, he shot his hand out and ruffled her hair, ignoring her furious squawks.
“You’re totally messing up my hair!” she whined, batting his hand away. A few giggles slipped out despite herself.
“That’s better!” Enjin said, clearly proud of himself. “You’re the only brat I haven’t bothered today.”
Green eyes rolled in mock irritation. “Thanks for gracing me with your presence.”
“Yeah, that's right, be grateful!”
He was about to leave but stopped as if he’d just remembered something.
“You know, you should probably go see Eishia. She looks a little bored.”
Enjin disappeared down the corridor but Riyo stayed rooted in the doorway to her room for a moment longer. She stepped back inside to slip her boots on before heading out, steps slightly rushed (though if anyone asked, she’d deny it).
Maybe she could keep pretending to be normal for a little while longer.
She would rather not lose her home just yet.