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John's hands fidgeted with his sleeve. He couldn't look at Dozer. He was being patient. He was doing everything right. And still, there was the thought in the back of his head that said "You can't do this. Not when He's watching. Not when He's so close to you." He isn't normal. He will never be normal. And with a person like Dozer? If you can even call him a person. No, absolutely not. There’s nothing about him that John could justify, nothing about this situation that was right in His eyes. He would be disappointed.
His mind continued to think about God, the years that he’s spent building up this relationship, the years he’s spent relying on Him for what to do. There have been times where John got too reckless. Times where he's set his faith aside just to feel something in the moment. There were times he went numb, times he'd spent hours crying, begging God to forgive him. Telling Him that he was trying. And in this moment, the guilt of betraying Him again for his own pleasure overtook John.
John put his hands on Dozer's chest, pushing him away. The room fell into a sudden, uncomfortable silence as Dozer processed what just happened. His look of shock, almost hurt, turned to worry in an instant upon seeing John’s face. He looked scared. No, he looked terrified. Dozer immediately shot up, his hands hovering in the air, unsure of where to be. His mind started to race immediately. Did he come on too strong? Did he do something wrong?
"Hey, hey... What's going on? Are you okay?" Dozer started, his voice soft and careful, a way he only spoke with John throughout their relationship. A special softness reserved for the very man who managed to alter who he was, what he stood for. The same man who was now shaking with fear.
God, how John hated how soft he got. But how he loved it. Dozer made him feel special. Dozer held him through everything. Every panic attack, every fit of sobs he lost himself in. He doesn't deserve his comfort, he doesn't deserve these kind words. He got himself into this, and it’s his job to get out of it. Difficult or not.
“No, no! I’m sorry, I’m okay. Really. I just…” He trailed off, his voice getting quieter with each word. How would he ever explain that being with him felt… wrong? Like enjoying a moment with him felt impossible, because he felt such a strong urge to get out of it?
Dozer didn’t buy it one bit. He’s seen how John shuts down before, he’s seen the anxiety consume him. And yet, he’s been complicit about it for so long. He’s convinced himself that John will grow out of it. That this is a temporary challenge for them. But time and time again, as John retracts as soon as Dozer gets too close, as his eyes glance to the necklace he hasn’t taken off in years, Dozer understood. This wasn’t something he was able to wait out.
His hands didn’t move fast. They weren’t rough. They simply held John’s wrists before he could stand up and run away, anchoring him to this moment. To Dozer. He was trying to show John, not through words, but through touch that he was okay. That everything would be okay.
He sighed, his grip loosening slightly, leaving John enough space to pull away and leave if he wanted to. “John.” He whispered, the softness morphing into something that was more like desperation. The want to understand John, the want to help him through whatever was hurting him, the need for him to finally be comfortable.
John’s heart was racing, pounding so hard, so deep in his chest, that he felt like it might burst out of him. It felt like a weight, a reminder. He felt the cross dangle against his robe, a hand moving out of Dozer’s grasp to hold it. It was a means to ground him, a way to connect with Him, to ask for guidance. But the comfort he would always feel never came. He never came.
“I don’t know what’s going on with you,” he said, his eyes moving from John’s face to his fingers wrapped around the necklace. He seemed so… frantic. As if he was trapped, and that necklace was his only way home. He looked back up at John’s face, watching his eyes, his breathing, trying to figure out the best thing to say to him. “I’m not upset when I say this. I want you to know that. Okay?”
A few seconds in silence passed, the room growing heavier which each of them. Then, a shake of John’s head. It was small, almost imperceptible shake. A no. A no? Then, John pulled his hands away, quickly standing. His mouth opened, and no words came out. He couldn’t explain himself. Not like this.
Dozer's eyes went wide, his body moving quickly before he could stop it. He reached out, taking hold of John's hand, gripping tighter this time. He couldn't let him go, not without being told what happened, not without calming John down, not without understanding what's been hurting him this whole time. Not just today, but throughout their entire relationship. The running, the silence, the uncertainty was killing him.
“John, wait! Please, please, just wait.” Dozer’s voice came out louder than he expected, cracking on the word ‘please’. He had never felt this much emotion, let alone for another person. “Please, I.. I just want to know what I did wrong.”
John froze. The words “what I did wrong” echoing through his mind. A wave of dread washed over him, his body stopping all of its movements, leaving a weak, numb feeling deep inside of him. No. No, no, no. This wasn’t Dozer’s fault. Not at all. This was his own fault. He got too close. He got too scared. And now Dozer, the only person who had bothered to try to understand John and what was going on in his mind, the only person to treat him genuinely, thought that John running from him was his fault. It stung. But John knew that he made it seem like that, and he needed to fix it.
“Oh, no.. No, Dozer. Not-” John stammered, moving towards Dozer with a gentle urgency, one that he hadn’t possessed before. His hands moved to cup Dozer’s face, looking into his eyes. John was tearing up now, his expression riddled with regret. “Not you, love.. Never you.” Was all he could whisper, his thumbs brushing Dozer’s cheeks softly. He felt so guilty. He should’ve dealt with it. He shouldn’t have pulled away. He loves Dozer. As much as he could, at least. He never did anything to make John uncomfortable.
He lifted his hands off of his face, moving to the clasp of his cross. John didn’t want it on. It was too connected to Him. It was too much to bear. So he took it off, gently setting it to the side, before putting his hands back on Dozer’s face, giving him a soft, reassuring smile, despite the fact his hands were still shaking.
The act of John setting his cross aside for Dozer may have seemed like devotion to anybody else. But Dozer knew how important John’s faith was. It was his way of life. His driving force. To disconnect with it simply to experience an act of physical intimacy with Dozer felt like a stab to his heart. Was he that bad that John had to let go of the thing that makes him a person just to be with Dozer?
Without a warning, John’s lips hit Dozer’s. It was soft and cruel. Almost like a curse. It wasn’t the kiss Dozer had been hoping for. It wasn’t comfortable. His eyes stayed open, moving from John’s face, an expression of contentment set upon it, to the cross laid out on the space next to them. He didn’t feel righteous, he felt evil. Like a part of John had left with that necklace. Like the man he loved was different now that he wasn't tethered to his faith.
If only he hadn’t pushed. If only he had accepted John’s anxiety, and not felt like he had to fix it to get what he wanted.
He wanted to push away so badly, to tell John over and over that he was sorry, and that he had never meant to do this to him. Dozer didn’t know what he was apologizing for, just that he meant it.
This moment would haunt him forever. Through every future interaction, through every attempt at healing.. There would always be “that time that you took off your cross to kiss me”.