Archive of Our Own

The new method of communication between the Miraculers really came in handy, the way it allowed them to call on each other even when they’re detransformed. And it was especially useful in situations such as this, which Marinette considered a huge important critical emergency. 

It was convenient, too, maybe even lucky, that her superhero partner just happened to have the exact same body type and size as her girlfriend. 

And so this was how the passersby of Paris find their city’s protector duo on a rooftop overlooking the Eiffel Tower that golden, akuma-free evening: Ladybug, face scrunched and tongue slipped out, extending a measuring tape against her partner’s body; and Chat Noire, a little lost but amused, holding out her arms this way and that according to her lady’s instructions.

“And you need my measurements because…?” Her small smile turned into a smirk, eyes becoming even more catlike as she did. Ladybug groaned inwardly, bracing herself for the bullshit that’s absolutely going to come out of her mouth. “Appreciate it, but I like my meow-gical suit well enough, you know. You don’t think I look paw-some already?”

Right on. “Shut up, Kitty-cat. It’s not for you.” She jotted down the numbers in her notebook and went back to work. 

“Then… why do you need—ow!” Chat Noire yelped as Ladybug accidentally stepped on her foot.

“Oops! Sorry, sorry! It’s for my girlfriend, okay?” 

“Ah, your girlfriend. Things are great with her, I hope?”

It’s her turn to jolt. “YUP! Things are suuu-per perfect with my super duper perfect girlfriend! We’re going sooo… steady. Yup. Ha-ha.” 

That was a surefire way of convincing her partner that everything’s okay, but just to be even more foolproof, she shifted the topic as she circled the tape around Chat Noire’s waist, “How about you and your girlfriend? I’m sure you guys are doing great, too.”

Breath warm on Ladybug’s cheeks, Chat Noire hummed, “Yeah, we are. She’s amazing, I love her.” She didn’t have to look up to know that her kitten was smiling. It warmed her, too.

All necessary measuring was done, but Ladybug lingered on, playing with Chat’s belt-tail as she said, softly, “That’s awesome. I’m happy for you, you know.” 

And she meant it. She did love Chat Noire. In more ways than one, once upon a time. A vision of a white-clad pair of brides and odd-looking but well-loved babies flashed before her eyes, and she shuddered, shaking it out of her head. They didn’t talk about that. It wouldn’t work out anyway, not like that painfully beautiful hallucination, not without a catastrophic consequence. Another kind of white cat suit appeared before her, and she froze. No, no no no—

“Hey, are you okay?” Chat Noire asked. 

She shook her head again. How did she even get there? Point is, she loved her partner, and she wanted her to be happy. God knows she wouldn’t have treated her well. “Yeah, yeah—I’m fine.” She stepped backwards and rolled up her measuring tape. God, she really needed to get her head in order.

“You haven’t answered my previous question, M’lady,” Chat Noire said.

“Huh? I told you, it’s for my girlfriend.”

“But why would you need my—oh, is she a fan of mine? Tell her I’m honored.” She bowed.

Ladybug rewarded her with an eyeroll. “Pfft, no. I’m making her—I MEAN, my friend! My friend makes clothes, so I commissioned her a dress for my girlfriend, but I want it to be a surprise, and I had her measurements, but I forgot where I left them—I mean, of course, I remember the numbers, because I’m an amazing girlfriend, but I just wanted to make sure, you know, in case I got them wrong. Because I’ve got to make this right. And I can’t re-measure her, because it would ruin the surprise, and then I remembered that your body size is similar to hers! So I thought, I’ll just get Chat Noire’s measurements, because it would be more or less the same! And it does! In fact, it matches precisely what I remember, so. You’re my lucky charm for this problem. Thanks, Kitty.” She smiled, patting Chat’s shoulder. 

“I see,” Chat Noire murmured, brows furrowed in thought. “Still doesn’t rule out the probability that she’s a fan, though. Oh, I bet she’d be thrilled if you told her we’re exactly the same size! Wait, you can’t do that, ‘cause then she’s gonna ask you how you know that.”

“Yeah, not a chance, silly. She’s more of a Ladybug fan anyway,” she retorted, smirking.

“You think so? Even though I run faster than you, and always win at tag?”

“What? You don’t always win, how is that even releva—”

“You’re it!” Chat Noire knocked her shoulder and zoomed off with her stick and a giggle. 

Ladybug feigned a dismayed gasp. “Come back here, you sneaky cat!”

So now this was how Parisians encountered them: chasing each other with the entire city as their playing field. 

It was nice to just hang out with Chat Noire. Her partner. Her best friend. Running around Paris, watching the sunset together, watching Chat Noire laugh like it’s the freest she’s ever been. Just the two of them, like old times. 

It seemed her partner was giving her grace—which, honestly, Ladybug thinks she gave too much, more than she deserved—because she asked no difficult questions Ladybug had to shoddily dodge, didn’t bring up their current enemy, the much-cleverer new holder of the Butterfly, and said nothing about their superhero duties and the ever-looming threat that awaits them. Ladybug guessed she was feeling nostalgic, too. 

The sky was a mix of pink, purple, and blue, and they were sharing a bag of chouquettes from Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie and cracking jokes, stupid jokes like how the colors of the horizon were just like the flag that represented them, and Ladybug could breathe properly for the first time in a while. 

In fact, it didn’t occur to her that she’d been holding her breath. Now that she was, albeit for an ephemeral moment, unrestrained, she thought: yeah, isn’t everything that happened lately a little bit too much burden for a fifteen-year-old to bear? Wasn’t this the way she should be living? Wasn’t this the way she had lived before?

Not that her current life was completely burdensome, no. It would’ve been, if it weren’t for Alya and Adrienne. God, Adrienne—sometimes she still couldn’t believe she actually loved her. She’s wonderful, and she kissed her like she was starving every time, but there were many things that Marinette—Ladybug—has kept from her. Things she couldn’t tell her. Alya, too. And although it wasn’t like she could tell Chat everything, at the very least, being Ladybug side-by-side with her was a kind of concealment that felt freeing instead of like she was being shoved along with a bunch of thick, heavy blankets inside a cramped closet that could explode at any time. Maybe it was the mask and the way it liberated her from having to make a lying face, but mostly, Ladybug knew, it was the company. 

She had to keep things from Chat, too, but it was for the best. It had to be. She had to believe it, or she might crumble. 

“Beautiful night, isn’t it, M’lady?” Chat Noire glanced sideways at her, then turned her eyes back towards the sky. 

Ladybug stood abruptly. “It’s night already?! I didn’t even realize! Fuck, I gotta—bug out!” 

With the whir of her yo-yo, she was out of sight, and their night was over.

────୨ৎ────

She lost the measurements again.

It didn’t matter; she memorized it. The problem was that she had slipped the ripped notebook paper with the measurements written on it inside her diary, and if someone took it, what else could the thief have taken? What secret could they have uncovered? She frantically searched her room, vision blurring and blood rushing in her ears.

“Maybe you put it in your other diaries,” Tikki said, trying to soothe her.

“No, Tikki, I’ve checked them all. Ugh! Why am I so incompetent?!” she shrieked as she rifled through her schoolbooks, her desk, anywhere that could prove nobody had gone through her things. 

“You’re perfectly competent, Marinette. Calm down,” Tikki replied. “You probably just left it somewhere. Even if somebody did come here and found out about your secrets, you’ll take care of it. Everything’s going to be fine.”

Fine. Yeah, totally. Fine like the patterns for Adrienne’s surprise summer dress that she had cut incorrectly due to her focus waning progressively day by day. (She’s gonna have to redo that.)  Fine, like the way she almost couldn’t finish the design because she had come across one of Gabriel Agreste’s works when she was looking up inspiration, startling herself. Pencil falling to the floor, she had frozen as an image of that stone-rigid, bespectacled face loomed over her, its cold voice taunting: You’re a good-for-nothing. Your designs are worthless. You are worthless. You don’t know what’s good for Adrien. Only I do. 

“You don’t!” Marinette had insisted. “And that’s not her name. You did nothing but destroy people. You ruined everything!”

Just like you, the apparition had flatly responded. 

“No! Shut up! You’re gone. You’re not going to ruin my passion. You’re not going to ruin my life and Adrienne’s! Go away!” 

Yeah, everything’s super fine.

A small, soft sensation on her hand pulled her back to the present. She looked down and met Tikki’s gentle eyes. 

“Marinette, breathe,” she said. “Just focus on what you can control for now. Okay?”

Marinette managed a small smile. “You’re right, Tikki. Thanks.”

She stood up and looked around her awfully chaotic room, scattered with school papers, fabric, and clothing patterns. Well, no use trying to clean it up when her mind was just as much of a mess. She needed a break. After uttering the magic words, Ladybug swung out the window and zoomed through the cool air. The evening wind fanned her face, and she slowly felt relief spread throughout her body.

She didn’t know when exactly being Ladybug had become a respite, an escape from her civilian life. The responsibilities of the former had been considerably heavier. Still were. But her duties were systematic, controlled. Someone gets akumatized, transform and make sure no one sees, evacuate citizens, call reinforcements if needed, lucky charm lucky charm lucky charm, purify akuma, miraculous ladybug, give magical charm to victim, bug out. But in Marinette’s life, anything could happen, and she wouldn’t always know how to respond correctly. Adrienne could request her to draw a picture of her late father in his “true” image, a persona that never existed. Nathalie could shoot her a threatening look every time she got even remotely close to telling the truth to her girlfriend. 

Someone could frame her as a cheater. Adrienne could break up with her. She could get akumatized. 

As she swung around the city, Ladybug noticed a familiar black figure perched on top of a building and paused. Discreetly, she climbed onto the same roof and snuck up behind her partner, whom, as Ladybug got closer, she realized was whistling a tune she knew well. It’s one of the soundtracks to Ultimate Mecha Strike III. 

“Not singing about the little kitty all alone without her lady anymore?” she greeted, startling her.

Chat Noire shrieked, losing her balance on the edge of the roof before Ladybug gripped her arm and pulled her back up. She smiled upon realizing who caught her. “Well, I’m not alone anymore now, am I?” 

“That’s true,” Ladybug said, just as she noticed a splash of pale cream over Chat’s chest. She looked at the cat’s hand, where an empty ice cream cone sat in her grip. “Oh, no! I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were eating ice cream.”

Placing her empty hand on her chest, Chat Noire whined, “How cruel you are, M’lady! Ruining my purr-fectly delicious ice cream… It’s awful! You stained this one-of-a-kind suit! How am I supposed to clean this up?”

Ladybug played along, gripping Chat’s shoulders and letting the top of her head sit on her partner’s chest. “Forgive me, Chat Noire! I didn’t know your suit wasn’t magical! Oh, what if the stain won’t go? You’re gonna have to stop being a superhero! You can’t save Paris looking like that. What a shame!” 

“I see how it is. You want to be the sole hero of Paris! Is this how you treat your partner, Ladybug? After all we’ve been through? You want the glory all to yourself, huh?”

Oh. 

Ladybug looked up, feeling as though she had been struck by lightning. It must’ve shown on her face because the mirth left Chat Noire’s eyes, replaced by a look of concern. She opened her mouth, but Ladybug cut her off before she could get a word in.

“Of course I don’t. That’s not how this works,” she declared, voice slightly shaken. Is it her entire body that’s trembling?

“No — I know, M’lady. I was just jok —”

She knew, she knew it was a joke, so why did she feel this unquenchable something growing in her chest, sprouting up her windpipe and forcing her to throw up words, anything, anything to convince Chat Noire that she’s wrong? She had to get this straight, that she never, ever meant to leave her in the dark, that she wished, oh she so terribly wished —

“— you had been there with me! Then we could’ve won! We could’ve found a way to stop him from — maybe I wouldn’t have to keep —”

Huh. She didn’t even realize that. But she guessed she did wish her partner had been there, this whole time, subconsciously. She’d put up a brave front back then, fighting against Monarch, perhaps too much to the point where she believed it too. 

She felt Chat Noire’s hands on her shoulder, her worried face tinged with confusion. 

“You did win, Ladybug,” she said gingerly.

Ladybug steadied her breath. “You’re right, I did. What I mean is… I didn’t want to fight him alone. I did all I could, but it was — I was… It would’ve ended better if we were together. There’s no me without you, Chat Noire. And I know it’s not your fault, but —”

Slender arms wrapped around her, enveloping her as she sniffled. “I’m sorry, Ladybug… I’m sorry you had to face him alone. I’m really, really sorry…” 

She could feel the anguish, so earnestly bleeding into Chat Noire’s voice, and it tore her. 

“No, it’s okay. I just…” She heaved a sigh, wiping her eyes. She just what? Wished Chat carried half the weight she’s holding? Wished she could take half the blame for her failures? Wished Gabriel Agreste had never told her to lie to his daughter? What selfish demands. “You know I wouldn’t even be able to face him if you hadn’t been by my side this whole time, making me believe in myself, in us. So please don’t say that I’d ever want to do this alone —” She chuckled weakly. “Sorry, I know you were just kidding. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. This is stupid…”

“It’s not, M’lady. It’s okay. I’m sorry too,” Chat said, a smile in her eyes as she looked into Ladybug’s. 

They stayed that way for a couple of seconds, until Chat’s vision went lower. “Oops, now you got ice cream on your suit too.”

Ladybug looked at her chest, where a twin blotch lay, mildly glaring against her red-and-black uniform. A beat, and their laughter bubbled out in tandem.

“Come on, let’s clean this up. I’ll buy you another one. Is this André’s?”

“Nah, I got it at the grocery store. André’s is good, but you know… I’d rather not fight another giant ice cream monster again.”

“Don’t let him hear you say that.”

────୨ৎ────

The akuma couldn’t have come at a worse time.

She was in the middle of sewing Adrienne’s dress when Nadja Chamack’s voice blared from her computer speakers, announcing the akumatized villain who, as she spoke, was climbing up the stage at the TV studio. Sliding her swivel chair closer to her desktop, Marinette tried to get a closer look, but the villain seemed to be constantly shape-shifting. One moment, they had long, dark curly hair and bright eyes; the next, they were a tall, bearded man in a suit. They kept changing, too fast for Marinette to properly see all of their forms, but she thought she noticed them turning into a few celebrities in split seconds. She groaned, mourning the loss of her precious time to work on her project. Not wanting to waste any more time, she transformed and headed to the TV station swiftly. 

The villain wasn’t causing any harm, so the people at the studio weren’t panicking as much as they were curious. Still, Ladybug had to get them out of the way just in case. Just as she was about to tell them to evacuate, the villain’s voice boomed over the room. 

“I am Pleaser! From now on, I’ll be everyone’s most beloved! No one can ever say they don’t like me anymore!”

“Everyone, get out of here calmly! I’ll deal with them,” Ladybug exclaimed. 

She made for the doors, but Chat Noire was already there, holding them open as she bowed at the crowd coming out and chimed, “This way, please. Thank you very much.”

“Great timing, Kitty,” Ladybug called out. 

“Of course. We’re just linked like that,” she replied, winking. “So what’s their deal?”

“I’m not sure yet. But it seems that they’re turning into who somebody loves the most? Oh! And there are many people here, so that’s —”

“—why they’re shapeshifting, because everyone loves different people,” Chat grinned, completing her thought. 

Ladybug smiled back. “Right.”

True to her prediction, the villain renewed themself in slower intervals now that the crowd had thinned. She rushed over to the figure before realizing it was a bad decision, for their hair started to turn blond and their irises green. Adrienne! Promptly, Ladybug darted to the side, hiding behind a pillar surrounded by cables. 

“Chat Noire! Don’t let yourself be in her line of sight; she can turn into the person you love the most and jeopardize your secret identity!” 

“Got it!” Once everyone was safely out of the room, she extended her stick and leaped onto the bars in the ceiling. “But how are we gonna capture the akuma? Where even is the akuma?”

“I’m not sure yet,” Ladybug replied. 

“What’s wrong, Ladybug? What are you scared of?” taunted the villain in a honeyed albeit a little distorted voice. She could hear their footsteps coming closer. 

She peeked from the pillar to find the villain in a… a blurry state, was the only way she could describe it. Only their outlines were perceptible, and even that was glitching. She thought she saw angel wings protruding from their back, but they quickly disappeared. Their hair kept changing lengths and shapes. There didn’t seem to be an object that could contain the akuma.

“Why don’t you want to see me, Ladybug? I’m sure you’ll love me! Everyone does!”

“Eh… It’s debatable,” came that cocky tone Chat Noire specifically used to provoke her opponents, causing Pleaser to stop in their tracks and look up.

Thanks, chaton! Keep distracting them! “Lucky charm,” she whispered. A rather large ring appeared in her hands, shaped strangely similarly to Chat Noire’s miraculous. Is this related to her? Ladybug glanced up at her as she stealthily crawled the bars of the ceiling towards the stage. She looked back down at the band, which was large enough to put something through… like a cable. 

“You know, you don’t always have to be loved by everyone. Just being yourself is enough!” Chat remarked. 

“What’s the use of being myself if nobody likes it?” the ever-changing villain countered, chasing the cat’s voice.

“Then you might be surrounding yourself with a bad crowd. Good friends love you just the way you are.” 

“No they don’t! My whole life I’ve had to keep pretending to be someone else just for other people to like me. No one likes me the way I am! Now I don’t have to pretend anymore because I am who everyone loves the most!”

“But you’re sacrificing your identity by doing that. Who are you now, when no one’s around?” Ripping the curtain with her claws, Chat Noire dropped it on Pleaser, who was standing right below it, before jumping down herself. The akumatized victim scrambled to get the curtain off them, but it was too large.

“Smart move, Chat Noire!” Ladybug scurried out of her hiding spot, grabbing the cable around her feet before dashing towards Pleaser, who turned to face her upon hearing her voice. Sliding through an opening where the curtain was slightly lifted from the floor, she wrapped the cable around her opponent’s body, fastened it against them with her lucky charm, and came out the other side. That way, Pleaser was immobilized without being unable to breathe due to the thick fabric being closed around them. 

Now what? 

“Why are you trying to stop me? Don’t you see I’m not hurting anyone?” they demanded. Their voice was glitching even more, ringing a different pitch in every split second. 

“You’re hurting yourself, that’s what you’re doing,” Chat Noire said, standing in front of their curtain-covered figure with folded arms.

“What do you mean? This is the best I’ve ever been in my entire life!”

“You know, I once used to think the way you do, too.” Chat’s voice was suddenly somber. 

Oh! I get it now, Ladybug thought. She needed Chat to keep distracting them. Keep talking, she mouthed towards her partner.

“What?” she hissed back, her randomly grim expression turned questioning.

Ladybug slapped her hand against her forehead. “Just keep talking!” she whisper-shouted, gesturing an opening-and-closing mouth with her hand.

Chat caught on and raised her thumbs. “Uh, right. Where was I? Oh, I used to be like you. Well, I never wanted to please everyone, just my father. But I thought if I just kept obeying him, he’d see me as a good son one day. But he never did.”

Something about what she said didn’t really click, but Ladybug had another, more important thing to think about. The lucky charm had simultaneously helped her immobilize Pleaser and told her to get her partner to keep them occupied, but for her plan to work, she needed another stroke of luck. “Lucky charm,” she muttered again, finding a pair of scissors in her palms. Perfect. 

Quietly, she cut the excess fabric of the curtain into a small strip. She was about to signal to her partner to pull the curtain off Pleaser’s body when they piped, “Son? I thought you were a girl,” causing Ladybug to stop in her tracks. That’s what her brain didn’t register. She looked up at the Chat, who was scratching the back of her neck sheepishly.

“Uh, yeah. Guess the cat’s out of the bag now. I’m trans,” she said, letting out a chuckle. “I’ve been a girl superhero from the start, but my civilian self didn’t dare come out for a long time. So when I’m detransformed I presented as masculine, even though I didn’t like it. I only came out a few months ago. It was because of my friends’ and my girlfriend’s support that I was able to do that.”

Ladybug was stunned, heart unceremoniously heavy. Her partner had been keeping that for a long time, and she didn’t know? Of course, there was no reason for her to know that, especially if it risked her secret identity, but she upsettingly wished she could have been there for Chat Noire when she had been carrying that by herself, lifted a little of her burden. Maybe even helped her become more confident and true to herself. She was struck by the hurtful realization that she barely knew anything about her partner despite knowing so much.

“My father hated it if I wasn’t exactly how he wanted me to be. But at the times that I was, it still wasn’t enough.” Her face lacked its usual brilliance, replaced by a raw, sorrowful countenance. “What I’m saying is… the people who love you for you, they’ll love you. The people who don’t, well, there’s nothing you can do about them. It’s not worth changing yourself into what would please them. You’ll just lose yourself in the process.”

The room was quiet for a long moment. It wasn’t until Chat raised her eyes at Ladybug, eyebrows lifted, that she realized her partner had stopped talking and was waiting for her next move. 

Right. She had a plan. She raised the strip of fabric she’d cut, braced herself for a leap, and nodded at Chat Noire. Catching on quickly, she pulled the curtain off of Pleaser as Ladybug swiftly tied the piece of fabric around their head, successfully blindfolding them. They were still glitching, although considerably slower than before.

“We have to get them to reveal their true self so we can destroy the akumatized object,” she told Chat, who nodded as a response. She shifted closer to face their blindfolded foe. “Chat Noire’s right, Pleaser. You need to start loving and accepting yourself for who you are. You can’t always make everyone happy, but you can make yourself happy. What if you tried visualizing your best version of yourself, what you want to be, instead of what other people expect from you? I know you can do it.”

Gradually, they started to solidify, materializing as a dark-skinned young woman with long hair sitting in neat, small braids. A film camera hung from her neck. It seemed to have taken a lot of effort, because she started breathing heavily. Chat Noire put her hand on the woman’s shoulder. “It’s okay,” she assured. “It won’t be easy, but you’ll be okay.”

Ladybug, moved by the view and still reeling a bit from her partner’s earlier revelation, smiled tenderly. Chat looked up at her. “Are you crying?” she asked.

“What? N—” She wiped her eyes, feeling the wetness in her hand and cheek. Huh. She glanced back at Chat, who looked like she was holding back laughter.

“What’s so funny? It’s normal to be touched at a moment like this! You’re so weird,” she grumbled, holding back the rest of her tears.

Chat raised her palms. “No, it’s okay! I just wanted to lighten the mood. You care about me, don’t you? That’s so sweet.”

Oh, Ladybug was going to hit her. They would’ve bickered some more if it weren’t for a figure rushing through the door out of the blue, stopping in front of the akumatized victim before putting his hands on his knees, panting. 

“Zara! I finally found you,” he exclaimed.

Zara gasped. “Lucien?” 

The man kneeled in front of her. “Yes, it’s me! Listen, Zara, I’m sorry about earlier. I like you just the way you are, I promise! I reacted weirdly when you told me you wanted to be a filmmaker because, well… I just didn’t expect it. It’s a side of you that I’ve never seen. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you can’t show all of yourself to me, but trust me, I’d love to see every side of you,” he perorated, stunning everyone in the room.

“You… do?” Zara asked.

“I do! Listen, uh, hi, Ladybug, Chat Noire.” He looked at the both of them. “Thank you so much for you guys’ help. May I, um, take the blindfold off? I just want to show her that I love her just the way she is. I promise she won’t turn into anyone else.”

The heroes looked into each other’s eyes and nodded at the same time.

“Of course,” Ladybug said, removing the fabric covering Zara’s eyes. 

To everyone’s delight, the young woman didn’t change her appearance. Lucien grinned and stood up to hug her with a sob. She followed suit, releasing herself from the grip of the new Hawk Moth and setting the akuma free from her camera. Ladybug caught it with her yo-yo, purifying it before letting it roam free.

“Thank you,” Zara said to the pair of heroes. She looked back at the man in front of her. “Thank you to you, too. I’m so grateful to have you as a friend.”

Lucien gave her a teary-eyed, gentle smile.

Ladybug narrowed her eyes. “I’m sensing some more-than-friendly feeling between you guys.”

The pair blushed concurrently and laughed, and she and Chat Noire joined in.

She offered her fist towards Chat, who responded in kind with a bright grin on her face. “Pound it,” they proclaimed together.

They made sure everyone was safe and the TV station could continue operating smoothly before sitting at their usual hangout spot overlooking the Eiffel Tower. Legs hanging off the rooftop and knees touching, Chat Noire looked ethereal in the sunset glow, with her fair shoulder-length hair drifting softly in the wind and sparkling eyes that reflected the view in front of them in an emerald hue. 

“I’m sorry, Chat Noire. I didn’t know,” Ladybug started.

The cat turned her head towards her, eyebrows raised. “Hm?”

“That you’re trans. And were closeted. I would’ve done my best to support you.”

Her best friend laughed softly, covering Ladybug’s hand with hers. “It’s not your fault, M’lady. My girlfriend and friends give me plenty of support. I’m okay now,” she said with a beam.

Ladybug managed a smile back. “I wanted to say that… if there’s anything bothering you, or just anything you’d like to get off your chest, you can tell me. Anything. I’d love to help.”

Chat Noire smirked. “Even if it meant revealing my secret identity?”

“Well, no!” She giggled. “You can just… speak in codes, or something! I’m just saying, I’m here for you as a friend.”

Chat’s smile turned gentle, thankful. She looked back towards the expanse of their city, bustling with life and bathed in golden light. There was a long pause before she murmured, “You should take your own advice sometimes, Ladybug.”

Well. That kind of hit hard. “Oh… Ha-ha… You’re right.” She rubbed the back of her neck.

“I’m not trying to force you to say anything you’re not ready for. But I hope you know that I’ll always be here for you, too. I’m sure your family, friends, and your girlfriend are as well. Whoever you are under that mask, I know that you’re special and loved.”

Ah, classic Chat Noire. Why’d she have to go and say things like that? Ladybug pulled her in a hug, and they buried their faces in the crook of each other’s necks. She breathed the familiar scent of her partner, some expensive perfume mixed with traces of sweat and a tinge of old cheese. It was comforting, the way it never changed. 

“Thank you, chaton.”

“Anytime.”

────୨ৎ────

This time, she didn’t forget patrol. 

Not because she was cognizant of her duty, exactly, but because once again, she needed a break from being Marinette, and it happened to be at the time that she and Chat Noire had agreed on to rendezvous regularly. Though calling it ‘regular’ would be an overstatement. She had missed it so often that Chat hadn’t even bothered to leave her reminder messages anymore. It was during the early weeks of her becoming the Guardian; she had treated her partner really awfully back then, she knew. Still, Chat had been kind, and like easy-level puzzles, they fell into a rhythm in which they watched out for supervillains whenever they had the spare time. Sometimes it was just her, other times it was just Chat, every so often it was both of them; it wasn’t something they really communicated on, just another one of the occasions where they complete each other without saying anything. Their set schedule had long ago been abandoned, yet at times like this, she held it close to her heart. Even though it wasn’t kept the way it should be, it was still a promise, one of the many they held between them: to have each other’s backs, to defeat the butterfly villain, to always be friends despite everything.

It was hardly the first time she arrived at their designated spot to find it empty; still, her heart sank a little. She was probably busy right now. After all, she had a girlfriend too. Thinking of the word ‘girlfriend’ brought her thoughts back to Adrienne, and all the ways she was hurting her. She could feel it again, the panic; the way it seeps from the ends of her fingers and toes and spreads out throughout her body, slow and fast all at once. She took a deep breath, trying to get a hold of herself. Her eyes swept across the expanse of golden-lit rooftops and skyscrapers, then towards the asphalt and greenery, looking for something for which her powers could be of use. 

She had been over at Adrienne’s; she had wanted to show Marinette her favorite anime. They were snuggled up on the sofa in front of the TV, leaning on each other comfortably, when Adrienne offhandedly brought up the letter. For a split second she imagined that Adrienne knew, that the letter wasn’t from her but from her late father, and she had stiffened. She had tried to be subtle and casual, but of course Adrienne had noticed and asked her if she was okay. In a state of panic, she had blurted out some excuse about her parents needing her help in the bakery and left abruptly. She had regretted it immediately once she was out the door, but going back in would have been weirder, so she snuck into an alley and transformed.

The truth was simple: she couldn’t take it anymore.

She couldn’t take another second of lying to her girlfriend. Yet she was too afraid to take the risk of revealing the truth; not so much of how Adrienne would react but of her own state of mind when it happens, when it all burns down. She was vulnerable to akumas, she knew now. Thus she became confined in the in-between, never sure of what to do. Every choice, including the choice to not choose, led to pain.

She was scanning the city from the top of a building when her head knocked against something firm; she blinked and Chat Noire’s chest was right in front of her eyes and looked up to find her partner’s face staring back at her in bewilderment.

“Chat Noire! Since when are you here?”

“Um, like thirty seconds ago. I called your name five times already.”

Ladybug blinked. “Oh! Sorry, I was… distracted.”

The sight of Chat brought a sinking feeling in her chest. Here was another person she couldn’t lose, another one she might if the truth was revealed. She was laughing, looking at her with eyes so bright, so full of awe, like Ladybug was the sunlight itself. I’m not, she thought, it’s you. It’s always been you. She felt her vision going blurry. 

“Looks like the both of us are on patrol today. Wanna race to the — are you okay, M’lady?”

Oh god, not this question again.

The waterworks came without warning. It’s too bad it had to happen in front of Chat Noire; she had anticipated it the moment she was out of Adrienne’s mansion, but she didn’t expect that other people would be there to see it. 

It started as soft sobs, gradually getting heavier and louder despite her efforts to hold it back, and Ladybug, not knowing what else to do, covered her face. She would like to run and free Chat from worry, but it was too late, yet she couldn’t stay here either. Everything felt wrong, the bones in her body were sticking to each other in all the wrong angles, and her internal organs felt like they were screaming to be set free. 

Chat’s hand touched her shoulder and she flinched away. She uncovered her face to see the glint of hurt in Chat’s eyes, which only made her feel worse. Yet what came out of her mouth was a shaken “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.” It was a firm, intimidating voice Chat rarely used aside from reprimanding naughty children. She put her hands back on Ladybug’s shoulders, both of them now, and said, “You’re obviously not.” 

Ladybug didn’t know what to say to that. 

“Ladybug, didn’t we promise to tell each other if something’s wrong?”

“I know, I know, but this — I can’t —”

“You know you can tell me anythi—”

“I can’t take it anymore!” Ladybug screamed. “It’s too much. I can’t do it anymore…”

She felt her partner’s hand on her shoulders pushing her down, leading her to sit. She did without resistance and continued sobbing into her palms. 

Chat’s gentle voice broke through the sound of her sobs. “What is it, M’lady?” 

“It’s…” For a moment, she considered telling her the truth. Oh, how badly she wanted to. “... the dress.”

“The dress?”

“Yes, the one I — my friend — is making for my girlfriend. It’s not good enough, I think… I think she wouldn’t like it. I think she would hate me. I don’t know what to do if she hates me, Chat Noire. I love her more than anything else in the world,” she said.

“Of course she’s going to love it, Ladybug. I’m sure —”

“No, you don’t understand!” Ladybug cut her off. “It’s — sorry, I spoke too much. Please, don’t worry about it, Chat Noire.” She stood up, rolling her yo-yo.

“But —”

Ladybug was already flinging herself towards the next building. “I’ll see you later!”

She let out a deep sigh as she slung across the city. That was close. She couldn’t let that happen again. She knew she was a hypocrite — asking Chat Noire to confide in her when she couldn’t do the same — but in her case, there were big risks. 

Yet there was something else she felt at that moment, a relief that trickled into her like sunlight on a room with its door slightly ajar. She landed on her balcony, transformed back as she dropped herself down the trapdoor, and went to her sewing machine.

────୨ৎ────

It didn’t take long for her to finish the dress, since she spent nearly all of her free time on it.

The handiwork was a halter mini dress; a patchwork of black fabric, lightly textured with subtle floral patterns, an assortment of plaid — dark green, purple, and red — and a little bit of denim. It was short at the front, but the sides flowed to the knees, light and swishy. Adrienne had mentioned being interested in wearing more grungy-style clothing, and she thought this would be the perfect surprise. She looked at her creation, satisfied. She only needed to add the final touches: a red fabric rose to attach on one side of the halter neck, and her signature embroidered on the inside of the dress. 

“I’m ninety-nine percent done!” she exclaimed, lifting the dress to show Tikki.

“It looks amazing, Marinette. I’m sure Adrienne will love it,” Tikki said, caressing the dress. “What do you think she’d wear it with?”

Suddenly, an assortment of anxious thoughts attacked her. She started pacing around her room, blathering, “Oh, no! I forgot to think of how she’d style it! Oh my god, I’m so stupid. What if she doesn’t have anything to match it with? The bag… Accessories… Shoes… Do I have time to make them all? Well, it’s okay, she can borrow mine. Wait, no, her feet are bigger than mine. She can’t borrow my shoes! Do I even have anything that fits this style? Her dad must’ve left her a lot of his designs. But what if she doesn’t want to wear the stuff her father made because of the bad memories with him? But she might, now that I, well. Falsely painted him in a good light… Oh, everything’s my fault. I screwed up again. I’m never going to give her this dress! I’m never going to — ow!” A sharp pain attacked her forehead as she slipped over a spare fabric and fell. She could hear Tikki zooming closer and lifted her head with a groan.

“Marinette…” the kwami started, face expectant.

“Focus on what I can control… Yes, you’re right. She would love it. She would still love me. She would still love me, right?”

“That’s you still trying to control the things you can’t.”

“Ah — you’re right! But you see how I got when I thought she didn’t love me anymore. I’d gotten akumatized! This is the one thing I have to control.”

“But you can’t. No matter how hard you try,” Tikki said. Watching Marinette’s face morph into a horrified expression, she tried again, “Okay, think of it this way. Has Adrienne ever shown or told you that she doesn’t love you?”

“…No,”

“So there’s nothing to worry about! You’ll finish the dress, and you’ll give it to her, and she’ll love it, and she’ll still love you!”

“I know, but…” 

It wasn’t about the dress anymore now, is it?

“Hm?” Tikki stared at her.

“Nothing, it’s okay. Thanks, Tikki.” She kissed her little head.

Marinette breathed in. She sat back in her chair, took her needle and thread, and started sewing the delicate fabric flower onto her girlfriend’s dress.

At some point, everything circled back to the truth. She couldn’t escape it. A little harmless dress turned into a reality she had kept away from someone who deserved to know it. She would give it to her, and Adrienne would hate her. And then her life would be over. And then the whole world would be over, for she holds its fate in her hands.

She knew she had to loosen up a bit. Please be as kind to yourself as you are to others, Alya had said. But how? How, when she was such a screwup that everything she touched turned into a bomb? How, when she’d been entrusted with big responsibilities and failed every time? How, when she couldn’t even be honest with her girlfriend?

But… What Tikki said was true as well. Adrienne always loved her and never showed any sign that she would stop. Always understanding. Always gentle. 

But what about later, when she found out her girlfriend had been keeping a monumental secret from her this whole time?

Again… It wasn’t within her control, no matter how much she tried. 

Her thoughts would’ve kept going on in circles like a tangled thread for a long time, but it was interrupted by a loud cry from outside her window. She put down her work and went over to check; as expected, it was the kids at the park near her house. Marinette looked closer to see if there was any problem. The park was, unusually, quite packed, but a crowd of both kids and adults had formed near the merry-go-round. Her eyes zoomed in on the carousel until she spotted a bright red ball on its roof.

“It seems someone accidentally threw the ball up there. We should go there and help,” Marinette said to her kwami. “Tikki, spots on!”

She made quick work of the whole thing: dashing in, grabbing the ball, and landing on her feet. The crowd cheered around her, and one particular child raced over, shouting, “My ball! My ball!”

Ladybug smiled, handing the kid his ball. She was ready to get going and continue finishing the dress when a familiar voice said, “Fancy seeing you here, M’lady.”

She glanced up to see none other than her partner, walking over and waving coolly at the onlookers who gasped in astonishment upon her sudden appearance.

“Kitty! What are you doing here?” she greeted warmly. She felt slightly guilty to act like their previous encounter didn’t happen, but Chat Noire was putting on her usual beam, so she guessed that it was fine, that it would just be another one of the weird things between them that they’d never address. “It’s alright, this kid’s ball just flew up on top of the merry-go-round. No akumatizations.”

“I know. I saw.”

“Okay… Then what are you doing here?”

Placing her elbow on Ladybug’s shoulder, her bright green eyes looked up at her from behind her graceful eyelashes. “Just wanted to see you. Can’t I?”

Yep. She’s really back to normal. Ladybug snorted and rolled her eyes, pushing Chat’s nose with a finger. “Really? These ancient flirtations in this day and age?”

“Ancient? How old do you think we are, M’lady?”

“I don’t know. According to Egyptian texts, I’m over 5,000 years old. What about you?”

“I mean, I have nine lives —”

“Ladybug!” a juvenile voice rang over the park, causing both the superheroines to turn their heads. An angry child was stomping over, and another one, whom Ladybug had given the ball to, was on his tail. 

“What’s going on?” she asked.

The kid pointed to his friend holding the ball. “That’s mine! Why’d you give it to him?”

Ladybug blinked. “Oh, I’m sorry. He told me it was his. If it’s really yours, you can take it back.”

“But it’s mine!” both the children claimed.

“Uh… Okay…” She took turns looking at them. How was she supposed to know who really owned the ball?

Chat Noire spoke up. “Look, guys, it’s not cool to lie. Let’s be nice and honest to each other, okay? Whose ball is that, really?”

“Mine!”

Yeah, this was not working. She needed to defuse this now. She squatted down to be on eye level with the kids, and said, calmly, “Even if it’s not yours, everyone can play with the ball, alright? We can share and take turns playing with it.”

“Like you and Hawk Moth with the Miracle Box?” 

…Whoa. Her heart stopped beating for a second there.

“Hey,” Chat Noire snarled. 

“That — that’s different. It’s not —” Ladybug stood up, shaking the sudden lightheadedness out of her skull. “Anyway! You can share the ball, okay, guys? Playing is more fun when you’re together! Being kind and honest to our friends is cooler and makes you happier than doing everything alone.”

The boys looked at each other, anger a little subdued. 

“Besides, without the ball, there are still other fun games to play, you know? I mean, hah! Who even likes playing ball anyway? That’s soooo…. O-oh…” she trailed off, realizing she’d made a mistake, because they turned their heads simultaneously and glared at her, fury coming back in full force. 

She thought they were going to gripe at her, yelling objections about why playing ball is the best kind of game in the world, and she would’ve let them. But their faces fell, turning dejected, and they started crying.

Ohhhhh my god. This is not good. They’re vulnerable to akumas…

Before she could react, a pair of adults approached, presumably each of the kids’ parent or guardian. They brought ice cream with them, soothing the children immediately, and set them aside, far from each other. The adults shot Ladybug a look, and she couldn’t tell if it was accusatory or one of pity. As she glanced around, she became aware that most people had been watching the scene, but they went back to their businesses when they realized Ladybug was looking back at them.

She sighed, running a palm over her face. “Ugh… I can’t even handle little kids.”

Chat Noire barked a laugh and set one hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay. At least they’re not angry anymore. Anyway, mind taking a stroll around the festival with me? It’s why I was here in the first place, you know.”

Ladybug took her hand off her eyes. She hadn’t realized it before, but apparently, there was a celebration at the park, a mini festival of sorts. The people of her neighbourhood set up booths and shared an assortment of food, from soups to salads to desserts. Only now did she spot her parents, spreading a wide table filled to the brim with myriad kinds of pastries. She remembered now; they’d told her about some fair that they were going to take part in — she hadn’t thought much of it, for they attended many events — the invitation to which she’d hastily rejected for the sake of her important project. They waved at her, beckoning her to approach, and she almost reacted as energetically as her father did when she remembered that she wasn’t, recognizably, their daughter. Lowering her hand bashfully, she scooted closer to their stall. 

Sabine handed her a plate of fragrant macarons. She could discern each flavor from the smell alone. “Here you go, dear. Eat up.”

Ladybug hesitated to accept the gift. “Oh, it’s okay, Ma’am. I didn’t… I mean, those kids, I failed —”

“What are you talking about?” Sabine smiled. “This is for you, because you’re here.”

“Um…”

“See all the people here?” Her mother gestured to look around. “We’re having a potluck to celebrate the fact that we are all here. Nothing else! Everyone can join in, no matter who they are and what they did or didn’t do.”

“I — I see.” She roved her eyes around the park, watching adults mingle, teenagers laughing, children playing, and everyone sharing food. She smiled at Sabine appreciatively. “It’s a great event you got here, Ma’am.”

“Well?” she held out the plate closer to Ladybug. “When I said everyone, I meant everyone. You too, Ladybug. This isn’t Heroes’ Day or anything, when you’re expected to do something for other people. You don’t have to do anything to deserve these.”

Chat sneaked up beside her, a movement she wouldn’t have felt if they hadn’t spent so much time together. She landed her eyes on her partner, who offered her half a sandwich with a grin so laid-back, a gesture so casual as if it was a fact that they shared everything together, that they were each other’s other half. Which they were, until Ladybug pulled herself out. Or pushed Chat Noire away. She didn’t know anymore.  

Suddenly she felt like she was about to cry. She took the plate of macarons and the sandwich half with a smile. “Thank you very much.” 

Ladybug and Chat Noire went up to a nearby roof overlooking the festival, bustling with pleasant chatter and bathed in golden light. They ate in comfortable silence for a while.

“I missed you,” Ladybug blurted out. 

Chat Noire jerked, but her initial surprise altered itself into a smug smirk. “Am I that irresistible? You know we both have partners.”

“I’m serious!” she cried, suddenly feeling a little embarrassed. “I just feel like we haven’t been hanging out much until recently, aside from our… job. Not that we have to or anything, I just —”

“I understand.” There was that gentle smile again. It made her look even more beautiful. “I missed you, too, M’lady.”

That felt like encouragement. She thought of the scant sunlight she felt the last time they talked. “I’m… sorry about the other day.”

Chat gave her a despondent smile. “I can’t lie, it hurts to know you don’t trust me.”

“No, no, it’s not that. It’s just… It’s risky to tell.”

Chat Noire stared at her, then at the city for a long moment. Ladybug almost thought their conversation had ended, when Chat said, “I know, it’s not easy to be a superhero. It’s a huge responsibility.” She fixed her eyes on her palms. “This power… It would be bad if it fell to the wrong hands. And even now, I’m still not sure if I’m the right one to wield it.”

Ladybug gazed at Chat, unsure of what to say. She stared back, then said, “It feels too much sometimes. You know I love this job, but it can get heavy sometimes, right?”

Ladybug nodded. “Do you think… If I’d gotten akumatized, would you hate me?”

“What?” Chat inquired at the sudden question, brows furrowed. “First of all, I could never hate you. Second of all, you, getting akumatized?”

Ladybug felt small. “Well… Who knows, it might happen.”

Chat Noire shifted closer. Large, leather-clad hands tenderly cradled her face. “Then I’ll help with everything I can to de-akumatize you. You have my word.”

A sense of deja vu overtook her as she sat there, cheeks in her partner’s grasp, her partner who was looking at her with bare determination. There was something else behind those green eyes, something… she wouldn’t name and think into existence. It reminded her of when — wait, has she ever done this to her? No, it was Adrienne. It was when — oh.

I’m begging you, Marinette, answer me. 

You don’t need to fix my heart, Marinette. It’s already mended. 

Oh.

Adrienne did help her out of akumatization, didn’t she? 

She did. And she would do it again. It was the same for Chat Noire. Ladybug had never been alone, and neither had Marinette. The two people she loved most in the world would be there to catch her if she fell. She’d do the same, too. She’d done it once. 

She dashed forward, arms coming around Chat’s neck to pull her into a tight embrace. 

“M’lady?” Chat Noire stroked her back in soft, comforting motions.

She was so tired of shouldering this alone. Oh, she was so very tired. 

She lifted her head. “Chat Noire… I’m sorry. I’ve been keeping a lot of things from you. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that… I just feel like I have to do everything by myself so I wouldn’t have to burden other people. But…”

“But,” the ends of Chat’s mouth turned up, soft and reassuring, “you can’t do this on your own, too. That’s what I’m here for, isn’t it?”

Ladybug managed a nod. She hoped with all her might that she was making the right decision. “I… lied to the world. What they know is a different version from what happened. Monarch was defeated, but… he was… I know who he was.”

Chat Noire gasped. “You do?”

“Yes.”

“Who…”

Ladybug gulped, felt the tips of her fingers shaking again. Chat Noire spotted it and took her hands. “It’s okay. Take your time.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I don’t fully understand the picture yet, but I’m sure you have a good reason for lying.”

“I’m… not so sure about that.”

“Ladybug, you’re always trying your best to protect other people. Even if you make mistakes, I know you did it with good intentions. And you’ll find the solution. Right?”

“Right,” Ladybug said, breath shaking. A memory of a feeling fleeted towards her, the tremendously, excruciatingly good sensation of laying yourself bare in front of someone you love and know loves you, of letting go of the reins and letting yourself free-fall into the chasm, succumbing to the chaos that was inevitable anyway. She had felt like this when she had told Alya her secret identity, and more recently, when she had revealed to Chat how she wished they had fought against Monarch together, and when she had brought up the dress and all the emotional baggage that came with it. Now, wind in her hair, Chat’s shoulder on her face, she remembered, and she decided, “I’ll… I’ll trust you more too. I promise. I’ll tell you what really happened. Maybe not now. But I will.”

Chat Noire’s smile was blinding, and it dawned on her that it wasn’t just the joy of being someone Ladybug leaned on, but for the fact that Ladybug might try to lean on somebody at all.

Then Chat said something unexpected. “Okay. Now jump off this roof.”

Ladybug started. “What?”

“You said you’re gonna trust me more. Let’s do a trust fall. Jump off this roof, and I’ll catch you.”

They stared at each other, pure silence hanging between them for a few seconds, before Ladybug burst out laughing and Chat followed suit. “What is wrong with you? I already know you’ll catch me. I’d catch you, too. We’ve done that a million times!”

“Well, this time we’re not fighting supervillains. This is a friendship test. You have to jump just for the sake of it.”

“Chat, I don’t have the time for this. I need to —”

“So you don’t trust me.”

“Oh my god, fine.” Ladybug stood up, tiptoeing on the edge of the rooftop with her back facing the view. She detached her yo-yo from her waist for good measure, throwing it at Chat, who caught it with a smirk. She smirked back and, leaning against the air, flung herself off the building. 

The wind blasted in her ears. Ladybug didn’t, even for a fraction of a second, believe that her body would touch the ground. True to it, Chat Noire caught up to her and caught her, one arm on her shoulder and the other on the back of her knees. Smiling, she looked up at her kitty. “Did I pass the test?”

“With flying colors. As expected of M’lady.”

“Why, thank you.” Letting go of her partner’s hold, Ladybug planted her feet on the grass. “Well, I’ve got an important project to work on, Kitty. I’ll see you soon?”

“I can’t wait.” Chat Noire bowed ostentatiously. 

Giggling, Ladybug flung up her yo-yo, letting the string wrap around a nearby chimney. Pulling it tight as she got ready to soar up, she took one last look at Chat Noire. As she waved her goodbye, there was that sharp pang again in her chest, something she had felt for some time but only now dared to admit to herself: the despondence over the fact that she would never know who it was behind that black mask. Upon the stars that dotted the golden backdrop of her partner’s smile, she wished that they at least knew each other in their civilian lives.

That night, as she secured the final stitch onto the fabric, Marinette scanned the dress, feeling greatly satisfied and relieved. She had poured all her love into the dress, crafting it with inexhaustible care as if it was a sacred ritual. And she felt that it was sacred, her affection. Not just for Adrienne, but for everyone else she had ever cared for. Created something for. The clothing was made with Adrienne in her thoughts every step of the way, and in the process, as well as the result, it gave something back to her. That’s the power of creation, she thought. It’s a cycle of love and life, wherein the efforts she puts into it return to her in vigor. In the love she’ll infuse her next works with. In the love people give back to her. Maybe that was why fate selected her to possess the godly power to create. Maybe, she wondered, she was fit for this after all.

And like clothing, a relationship isn’t built on a single thread. It’s a collection of complications sewn together, sometimes falling apart and frayed at the edges, but always holds the possibility of being repaired. 

The golden thread of the embroidery glinted in her hands. Unlike her other designs, on which she only signed her name, this one read:

Pour ma chérie.

– Marinette