Chapter Text
[Before you is someone you can only describe as an eccentric scientist. Their back is to you — a long dark ponytail cascades down a beat up lab coat, and they're hunched over something on a folding table.]
—(Hello?)
Hmm? Oh, hey! I was wondering when you'd come by. Come here, come here! I think you'll find this rather interesting.
[They beckon you over excitedly. The table is littered with small styrofoam cups, all labeled in the same messy handwriting with names like "Raging Bulldog", "Wizard's Hurrah", and "Gnome Party". Each contains a small amount of dark powder and a wooden coffee stirrer.]
—(What is all this?)
You'll see, you'll see.
[They fiddle with what looks like a strange metal candle for a second before spout of blue flame appears. They let out a sharp, giddy laugh and look over the array cups.]
Hahah! Excellent! Now, let's see… Do you have any preference?
—(Electric Mountain.)
Good choice! So, what is your hypothesis for this sample?
—(Uhhh… fire?)
[Their nose wrinkles in poorly concealed frustration.]
Well that is certainly… a hypothesis. We might as well test it anyway!
[They use the coffee stirrer to scoop out a tiny amount of powder and hold it over the flame. There's a bright flash of yellow fire and white sparks.]
Ah! Incredible!
—(…?)
[They turn off the fire and turn back to you with a flourish.]
Well, while your hypothesis of "fire" wasn't technically untrue, the more accurate answer is sodium and, surprisingly, aluminum! Or as the English say: aluminium.
—(That's a lot of words and a lot of fire. What is going on here?)
Ughhh, fine, fine. You selected the cup containing the contents of the firework named Electric Mountain. My hypothesis was that it would contain sodium compounds. Yours was fire. We burned a sample to test its composition and the results were that it burned yellow and white, which indicates that it contained sodium and aluminum compounds. Isn't that fascinating!
—(You're breaking open a bunch of fireworks and setting them on fire in my house? Is that even legal?)
Don't worry about it. There's not even enough gunpowder here to do any serious damage… Probably.
—(Could you at least tell me who you are so I know who to blame when my house burns down.)
Oh, was that not already obvious? My apologies! Galileo Galilei, Manifestation of the Scientific Method, at your service!
—(Scientific method?)
Of course! I am the process by which one can explain the world around them via measuring aspects of objective reality. From your perspective, I believe you recognize me in the form of a telescope or any thermometer without medical or culinary use!
—(Oh, cool. Can I date you?)
…Why would you want to do that? You don't know me.
—(No, but I can see that you're hot and smart. Isn't that enough to want to know you?)
Eheh… Look, I'm flattered, really, and I'd be happy to get to know you if you want to come back, but I'm just not in the business of dating strangers…
—(Get to know you it is then!)
…Right.