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Lan Xichen has never thought of himself as a coward.
So it was to his greatest surprise finding himself hidden alone in the farthest corner of the hall on his brother’s wedding.
As a recognized head of Lan family in public eyes he was supposed to be in the center of action, entertaining guests, keeping up the mood with his smile, taking care of smooth running of the event. And he was ready to take the task on himself as always. Xichen spend whole morning terrorizing the hell out of stuff hired to help with celebration: evaluating the food appearance, checking on music sound, rearranging flowers in the vases - everything should have matched Lan Zhan high standards.
At least it was what Xichen has thought. Right in the middle of storming between the rooms, all wind up inside cause the desserts were half an hour late and the vocalist of invited band grew noticeably more drunk with every break, Lan Xichen heard an unfamiliar melodic sound of laughter. Turning abruptly on his heels he stared at his brother now almost giggling like an young maiden from something his newlywed husband was whispering to him.
They both looked stunning in white suits, like two matching pieces of art - each holding his own value to himself but complementing the other in the most perfect way possible, gently underlining their spouse’s brilliance. It was nothing like a physical similarity between Xichen and Wangji, which was obvious from the first sight, but if you spend a moment watching through it, under the shadows of their long lashes a look in each brothers’ eyes was telling how far from alike were their personalities.
Xichen tried to remember if they always had been like this, but his memories of childhood with Lan Zhan were foggy and uncertain, sometimes he wasn’t sure if part of them were merely his dreams. Every time he focused on recollecting their parents faces or on his own perception of himself at the time Xichen felt a strong urge to run away from it, to avert his gaze and to occupy himself with any other task available. Lately he was getting really bad headaches after going through old photo albums, searching for nostalgic pictures with A-Zhan for the wedding. He stared at some shots for long minutes with growing unease, cause he couldn’t remember at least smallest detail about the place or time, when it was taken. Xichen would thought he was developing an early dementia, but he still learned new things quickly and could recite long verses by heart. The memory betrayer him only at the moments when he looked in the eyes of young Lan Huan on the album pages and couldn’t connect anything in himself to this happy smiling boy.
The smile seemed to become his emblem inherited together with the material belongings after their parents' death. The more Xichen smiled - showing gratitude to adults that helped them, receiving condolences from people he has never saw at their house before, comforting his younger brother at his grief - the more closed and frowning grew Lan Zhan. As if they were two balancing forces, that could support each other from falling only by moving with increasing speed at opposite directions, while connected by inseparable bond, that drew them back together.
Xichen's expression grew even more sour as he once again regretted about never being wholly sincere with Lan Zhan. He couldn’t bring himself to talk with brother about hard things. About bad things that happened to both of them. His heart shattered to pieces every time he saw Lan Zhan shading quiet tears suddenly in the middle of dinner or walking in the park, where they used to go all together.
Xichen wanted to hug him, to let him cry on his shoulder, to tell him that A-Zhan has all the right to be sad and that world is cruel and he should never hide how he feels in front of Xichen. He really wanted to, but words have stuck in his throat as he was trying to speak them out loud and his body froze on spot when he tried to reach his hands to sobbing Wangji. Xichen felt himself on the verge of tears too, he wanted to scream and fall to the ground and curse out loud every damn god who made his brother cry like this.
Through the paralyzing rage, Xichen felt that he couldn't afford himself getting emotional. If he let out his grief, he wasn't sure if he would be able to hold himself together. And who will support Lan Zhan than, if he fails, if he crashes out. Xichen wasn't his slightly older brother now, his gaming partner, or even his friend. He was the only grown up responsible person, who really cared for Wangji's well being. He couldn't let anyone else in this position. He must stay strong.
And so he smiled softly, ignoring the cramping pain in his chest and without looking Lan Zhan directly in the eyes, Xichen said calmly some nonsense like: “You should not cry Lan Zhan, it will be alright, you need to think about the future and try to became a respectable and capable young man, as your parents would wish for you.” Your parents. As if they were no longer theirs. As if Lan Zhan now hold “the privilege” to be orphaned child, who lost his family, while Lan Xichen was some stranger, who supervised him without being personally involved on any level.
It seemed time has stopped for Xichen, while he was looking at Lan Zhan laughing sincerely, holding Wei Ying with one hand around his waist, while the smaller man has laid his head on Wangji's shoulder, looking at him like he would trust Lan Zhan with his life anytime. Xichen watched guests giggling softly at the sight of beautiful happy couple, everyone chattering lively, people randomly starting dancing here and there.
He felt suddenly sick. Sight of world continuing to spin, while he had lost control of it, has broken something inside Lan Xichen. Everyone has been visibly enjoying the evening even when things were organized poorly from his own view. Everyone was alright with it. Lan Zhan was alright without Xichen doing his best to satisfy his needs. It seemed to Xichen that he had not seen his brother with his own eyes for ages, even though they have met almost every other day. Like yesterday he was still a small boy, with a request for consolation in his eyes and now in a moment he became an self-sufficient adult, capable of supporting people he cared for.
Unlike Xichen himself. Unlike Xichen, who only learned how to hide from pain - his own and that of others. Who only leaned how to wear a mask instead of healing and moving on. What could he taught his brother, when he himself was still a broken child, who had no clue how to live in the grown ups' world.
Lan Xichen hadn't noticed when his hands started to tremble or when the air grew so stuffy. He felt once again unable to move from his spot, like his body didn't belong to him anymore, like he was seeing himself from above unable to interfere.
That’s why he hadn't catch a moment when Wei Ying's eyes wandered to him and observed worryingly for a moment, before he has turned with serious expression to say something to his husband. Lan Zhan twitched promptly at the direction of Xichen, then stopped, looking at Wuxian once again making sure it was alright for him to stay unattended for some time - Wei Ying only nodded slightly, and softly pushed his partner away.
Xichen has only came back to his senses, when he heard Wangji voice near him:
"Xiongzhang" - eyes full of deep concern. Lan Zhan has been calling him for quite some time already, growing more anxious of Xichen's state. Everything seemed to be going just fine, Lan Zhan couldn't wrap his hand around what was going on with his brother.
The wave of panic hit the first jade. Just great, Lan Xichen, now you were ruining their wedding by crashing out over there, distracting the groom from enjoying his special day. Just how more miserable could have he become in front od someone he was responsible for.
Tears welled up Xichen's eyes, while he stood there unable to say a word, gulping for air, feeling dizzy and vulnerable with his emotions overcoming him completely.
Wangji has had no time to think about it further. He crossed the distance between them and hugged Xichen firmly, not letting him to push away and escape. But even the weight of pressure and feeling of warmth didn't help to bring Lan Xichen back. Calling him by courtesy name or title seemed to have no response either. Lan Zhan hadn't recall ever calling his brother by his birth name before. And it's not like they weren't close enough for it, but somehow respect always came first in his thoughts and feelings. It was something in the way Xichen positioned himself - not in arrogant style - but as someone responsible for resolving all the conflicts, all the troubles, no matter who was the cause of it. And now Lan Wangji decided it was time to break a glass wall of cold respect, even if shards were going to ricochet at both of them.. they would have time to take care of these wounds later.
"Huan-ge"
Xichen gasped under his breath, instinctively hugging Lan Zhan closer, feeling himself smaller then usual, not above but right beside his brother. The sudden feeling that he may dare to resolve the grip of responsibility for a second and allow himself... allow Wangji to take care of his problem was overwhelming. It was so good it hurt, cause it was hard to believe he was worth of it.
It hurt to think he could have done it so many times before.
Lan Zhan has always being around and more than capable to take at least a fraction of his worries for a long time already, if only he could have found a strength to ask without his voice being shaking from hidden and suppressed anxiety. What he was even afraid of? That Lan Wangji will reject him? Think he is weak? Laugh at him?! - like, seriously? But the shame and fear started to build up in him at so early age, it seemed to be a part of him, that he has never even questioned, if they were real or just product of his insecurity. He felt that if he ever stopped to consider this horrifying presence at the corner of his subconscious he would simply break, it will strike him like a tsunami and he will never make it to a surface. And he wasn't quite wrong about it, cause he felt the ground sleeping from his legs slowly. The only thing different from his expectations was his little Lan Zhan, standing steadily, supporting him like it was the simplest, most obvious task to do, no questions asked.
Wangji was meanwhile silently observing and processing the reaction his words produced. He felt like at first Xichen started breathing even more unevenly, sharp short inhales causing him to tremble slightly, but after a several moments it started coming back to normal, Lan Huan softening in his hands, almost lying on him with his whole weight, breathing in and out deeply, only several teardrops falling silently at Lan Zhan's shoulder. He wondered about the tension, that Xichen has carried inside him for so many years and how he managed to stay always so upright, gentle and easygoing from outside. Turns out his brightly smiling brother has had a ticking bomb inside of him all this time and Wangji was glad at least he was here just in time to suppress the explosion with his body.
So when the honeymoon is over, Xichen is immediately invited for a tea to Lan Zhan and Wei Ying new home and two brothers have long talks about their childhood, learning together how to recognize all the hidden feelings they have not understood or knew how to express while growing up, because there was never a safe space where they could have been just children, who get to know about world around them by making mistakes and being a mess, who know they have their parents to hold them up if they fall.
Wei Ying is insisting that Lan Xichen absolutely must come more often, because he is the only one, besides Lan Zhan, who looks right drinking tea from their new super fine set of china, or else he will need to send it back to Nie Huaisang, rather than watch it collecting dust in the cupboard. Xichen only smiles gently at the obvious excuse, but accepts the invitation.
And when A-Yuan is born, Lan Xichen is amused to find that this time he is not responsible adult, but rather a favorite funny uncle(despite his attempts to look composed and give a good example to little nephew). He spoils baby with sweet treats and expensive gifts, Wuxian never missing a chance to scold him jokingly for being suspiciously kind, can it be Xichen wants to steal the love of little radish from his parents.
It's Xichen's house, where teen A-Yuan keeps running to when they have minor quarrels at home, and they always find a peace at each other company. Lan Xichen shows him photos of his father, when he was child and for the hundred time retells the story of how his parents has met. He is the one, to whom A-Yuan confess about his first crush and when Wei Ying eventually finds out about this, he cartoonish-ly gasp in disbelief, holding hand to his chest, like if having a heart attack: "Can't believe I nursed a snake in my bosom". Xichen smiles and his smile is genuinely warm this time, nothing like the mask he has been carrying around for so long.