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If he were still on Earth and still a teacher, Rylan Grace often mused, he could have written a whole guide for college freshmen on living with eccentric roommates in a tiny dorm. And if he did, rule number one would be, Don't make assumptions.
Don’t assume that your roommate has the same eating habits as you. Don’t assume that they’ll sleep when you want to sleep, or on anything resembling a reasonable schedule, or let you sleep without making any noise, or without making a lot of noise. Don’t assume you have the same study habits, or that those study habits can be done in the same tiny room at the same time, or that their study habits won’t annoy the heck out of you and vice versa.
And most importantly, do not ever, ever, assume anything about their sex life.
Rylan Grace was very good at giving advice. Unfortunately, he was often very bad at taking it.
“What’s the first thing you’re going to do when you get to Erid?” Grace asked late one evening. The day’s travel and scientific work was finally done, and he was about to bed down for as good a night’s sleep as one could get crammed into a tiny berth on a spaceship hurtling at 95% the speed of light.
Rocky, who didn’t need to sleep quite as often and took the opposite shift in any case, was tinkering in his tunnel with what he’d explained to Grace was a wire sculpture of Adrian. It was the most detailed sculpture Grace had yet seen him make, with the wires so finely layered and looped that they seemed to form contours and textures—clearly a labor of love.
“Hmm…hug surface and declare never leave solid ground again,” the engineer mused. Grace chuckled.
“You’re getting the hang of earth humor.”
“Yes. Rocky be very confusing to other Eridians after four years living with strange alien.”
“For real, though, what’s your first goal once you’re home? After seeing Adrian and your kids, obviously.”
Rocky sat up straight, as if startled. “Kids?”
“Yeah, y’know, your children? Offspring? Why, what do Eridians call them, hatchlings?”
“Why Grace think Rocky is parent, question?” Rocky replied, apparently nonplussed. “Rocky not have children.”
Grace blinked, bewildered, and sat up to get a better look at the alien. “I thought you said Adrian was your mate?”
“Yes, this part correct. Human memory having problems again, question?”
“No, I just– you guys lay eggs, so that’s mating, right? So how can you be mates if you haven’t, y’know, mated?”
Silence fell. To be precise, it fell as flat as the question. Grace realized approximately two seconds after the words had left his mouth that in the heady rush of scientific inquiry he’d just asked something extremely personal on both of their planets—and, if Rocky’s sudden dead stillness was any indication, even more personal on Erid. “Sorry, that was—uh, I was just thinking scientifically, and–”
“Rocky already explain Eridian reproduction to Grace,” Rocky interjected, and now he sounded nervous, watching Grace (or, well, listening) with visible wariness in his posture. “Two mates lay eggs, put in incubator. One egg absorb other, hatch when juveniles ready to survive outside world.”
“Yup, no, I got that, sorry. I just didn’t want to assume- sorry, that was personal, I shouldn’t have asked. Sorry.”
They sat in silence for another long, awkward beat, before both let out simultaneous sighs, Rocky venting hot ammonia as Grace pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, okay, we’re both men of science. We knew this conversation was coming.”
“Not need have conversation,” Rocky suggested uneasily.
“What, you want to do a puppet show?” Grace said dryly; the Eridian visibly recoiled.
“No!”
“Well, then…” He trailed off as Rocky tapped his legs awkwardly on the floor. “Look, if you really don’t want to talk about it–”
“No, Grace correct, need talk about it,” the Eridian groaned, reluctant. “Scientific duty.”
“I mean, you’re right, you’ve already spelled out the basics for me. Your species reproduces from two parents and is hermaphroditic, right? All individuals produce both male and female gametes? I can figure it out from there…probably…”
“Typically, yes. Some rare exceptions.” He clicked his fingers together. “And…answer Grace’s first question…”
The scientist waited patiently, realizing he was about to hear something that would normally be extremely private information. When nothing else was forthcoming, he decided it was time to cut this Gordian knot. “Look, Rock, I taught middle school science, okay? I’ve given the sex talk, like, a dozen times; anything you have to tell me about Eridian biology, I’ve probably told something similar to a bunch of giggling preteens. Heck, I’ll explain anything you want to know about human sexuality first if it makes you more comfortable! But there’s nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s just the facts of life.”
Rocky ducked his thorax, as if subconsciously trying to make himself smaller, but at last relented. “There is…process, for remove eggs from thorax,” he began, tapping his thumbs and sounding like he would rather be talking about anything else. “Can do for self, but is…nicer, when mate helps.”
“Okay, see? There’s a process,” Grace said, gesturing with his hands to show it was no big deal. “Nothing embarrassing about that.”
“Also…sometimes, when no egg to remove…mates still do,” Rocky confessed, the sentence dropping off into a mortified near-whisper at the end.
“Okay…so then it sounds like you guys do sometimes have sex, or your version of it, for fun instead of just procreation. And that’s why you and Adrian are considered mates even though you haven’t reproduced,” Grace reasoned. Rocky let out a little moan of embarrassment. “Come to think of it, on Earth the only species that have sex for recreation are the more intelligent ones, so I guess it’s logical that a sentient species like Eridians wouldn’t be so different from humans–”
“What?!” Rocky exploded, startling the scientist. “Humans same?! Then why Grace ask so many questions, make Rocky feel like 🎶?!” He was clearly upset enough to forget to add the question note to the end of his sentences, and Grace couldn’t fully repress a laugh.
“Pervert?” he guessed, adding it to the computer. Rocky fumed, literally; there were little transparent heat waves coming off his vents. “I’m sorry, Rock, when you said your species hatched from eggs I just assumed your reproductive lives looked more like the egg-laying organisms on Earth. I shouldn’t have done that.” He hadn’t known it was possible for a spider-creature made of rocks to cringe, but Rocky was definitely cringing. “I take it sex is a pretty private topic on Erid, huh?”
“Is not on Earth, question?” Rocky said, incredulous.
“I mean yeah, but it sounds like not quite as much.” The Eridian wobbled his legs in embarrassed exasperation. “You guys really don’t like to talk about anything involving your stoma, do you?”
“Human ask such embarrass questions,” Rocky groaned. “No teach manners on Earth, question?”
“Okay, okay, sorry. Jeez, for a scientist, you’re a pretty squeamish guy, Rock.”
“Rocky not scientist, Rocky engineer,” his friend grumbled. “This conversation perfect example reason.” He jabbed a claw at the human: “When Grace reach Erid, Grace ask Adrian all questions!”
“Why Adrian?”
“Adrian is biologist. Answer all Grace questions about Eridian biology! Rocky not involved, Rocky done!”
“You never told me Adrian was a biologist,” Grace said, intrigued. “Is that how you guys met? Doing science stuff together?” Apparently relieved to be back on safer ground, Rocky bobbed. “You’ve been together a long time, right?”
“Yes. Together long time. But no offspring,” he added for emphasis. “Still mates, but no family yet.”
“I mean it’s a personal choice,” Grace shrugged, but Rocky quickly corrected:
“Misunderstand. Rocky and Adrian want family, but…not good timing.”
“What do you mean?”
There was a pause, and Grace wondered again if he’d overstepped his bounds, but it seemed that Rocky was just thinking of how to phrase it through the translator, because when he began speaking again his tone was wistful instead of embarrassed: “...Rocky meet Adrian at work, for government space science thrum. Adrian space biologist; study, think about alien life. Like Grace. Adrian very smart, much smarter than Rocky. And kind, beautiful. Rocky think, never have chance. But Adrian like! Not know why. Rocky lucky, lucky, lucky.”
“Out of your league, huh?” Grace grinned.
If Eridians could blush, Rocky would have been. “Not know phrase, but—yes, understand. Rocky and Adrian become mates; most Eridians mate for life. Rocky happy, so so so happy… Time pass, Rocky and Adrian decide to start family,” he admitted. “Finally feel…ready.” Grace watched him, not interrupting. This was the most he’d heard about Eridian domestic life in, well, ever. “But…then, Petrova Line discovered. Suddenly, all Adrian and Rocky do is study Astrophage and build Blip-A. No time for family. Big emergency.”
“Oh, I get it. You’re saying she’s an astrobiologist like me, and you’re an engineer for the space program, so you guys must have both been on the project,” Grace realized.
“Yes. When ship ready, ask for volunteers. Rocky and Adrian both decide, family can wait. Rocky and Adrian two people. What matter happiness of two people if billions starve?” Grace found himself dropping his gaze to the floor, remembering just how differently he’d calculated that same equation himself. “So, Rocky and Adrian both volunteer…but only Rocky chosen. Rocky go, Adrian stay behind on Erid, study astrophage problem more.”
“That…must have been hard.”
“At time. Now, Rocky grateful. Adrian safe. Maybe… maybe someday…” He trailed off. Grace leaned back against the bunk, looking up at the ceiling.
“What’s it like? Having a mate, I mean. I’ve had some girlfriends but, y’know, nothing…long term….”
“Hm? Grace want mate, question?”
“I mean, kind of a moot point now. Probably not a lot of humans on Erid for me to settle down with, right?”
“Humor. But yes, Rocky understand.” Rocky hummed. “Difficult explain, what is like. Grace mean ‘in general,’ or just Rocky and Adrian?”
“I guess just for you guys? Since that’s your own experience.”
There was a beat of silence, and he glanced over again. Rocky was turning the little figurine over in his hands. “...Adrian is Rocky best friend,” he said softly. “Miss. So bad miss. Adrian only person ever really…understand Rocky.” He tilted his thorax towards the human and added ruefully: “Before Grace, Adrian only person who even like Rocky.”
“Oh, uh, c’mon, I’m sure that’s not true–”
“Rocky knows Rocky annoying,” he said bluntly. “Many people tell,” Grace winced.
“Okay, you can be a lot, sometimes, sure.” He looked up again at nothing, which was easier than looking at his friend even though he knew Rocky could still see his expression just fine from the other side of the room. “But at least you were close to someone. I wasn’t annoying to people, I was just…kind of a loner, I guess.”
“What about students, question?”
“Okay, yes, my kids liked me. But they weren’t my peers, they weren’t—I wasn’t ever able to, y’know, make real friendships with people. Let alone a real relationship. I…I had friends on the Project, sort of, but I still kind of kept people at arm’s length. I know I’ve got a temper and I’m selfish, and I figured if anyone ever saw past the ‘cool teacher’ persona they’d realize that, and…”
Oh, god. Was that why he liked teaching so much? Grace reflected with a deepening sense of depression. He couldn’t hack it with adults, so he got his socialization from a bunch of easily-impressed kids? Early on after waking from his coma in the Hail Mary, he’d had a terrifying moment while trying to put together his identity where he had wondered whether his natural affection for children, plus the fact that he was a middle-aged unmarried childless man living alone in an apartment, might have some unsavory implications.This felt like a repeat of that moment, except a lot less horrifying and a lot more pathetic.
“Why Grace so quiet, question?” Rocky spoke up, sounding just as depressed as Grace felt.
“It’s nothing,” Grace muttered, but Rocky shuffled closer in his tunnel, and he sighed. “Maybe…maybe that’s why I liked teaching. Adults were too complicated and might call me on my crap, so I hung out with a bunch of kids. Like a sad little weirdo,” he mumbled. Stratt had said as much when she’d come to recruit him away from Grover Cleveland, after all—and before Rocky, she and Carl had been the closest relationships he’d had to, well, anyone in a long time. Which was a whole other kind of sad.
Rocky seemed surprised by this admission, given that he was quiet for a moment, but then decided aloud: “No, incorrect. Grace enjoy be teacher.”
“Yeah, but–”
“Grace enjoy teach Rocky about Earth science and culture, and Rocky not juvenile,” the Eridian pointed out.
“Sure, but that’s because you ask great questions and you’re actually interested in what I have to say, and yeah you’re a little annoying sometimes, but you’re also funny and fun to hang out with, and– oh,” Grace realized. His best students, the ones he’d liked teaching the most, had been not so different from the ever-eager, ever-curious Rocky. “Okay, so maybe I’m not a horrible misanthropic monster…thanks, Rock.”
“...Grace mean all that, question?”
“Huh?”
“About Rocky fun be around.” The Eridian sounded shy. “Grace…enjoy Rocky company? Question?”
“Sure, most of the time. I mean we’re stuck in a tiny tin can in space, it would be weird if we didn’t sometimes drive each other crazy. But yeah, bud, I like you. You’re…probably the best friend I’ve ever had.” Oh, what was he saying, probably? Rocky was definitely the best friend he’d ever had. Which said a lot of things about Grace, not all of them good, but not all of them bad, either.
Rocky chittered, amused. “Yes, understand. …Thank you, friend Grace. That…is good hear. -And answer other first question: first thing Rocky do, after find Adrian, is introduce Adrian and Grace.”
“It’ll be my honor. It must be hard on you two, being so far away from each other,” Grace offered. “Especially since you can’t tell her you’re okay. I’m sorry.”
“Yes. But…not so hard anymore. Now that Rocky is not alone.” They sat in a companionable quiet for a moment, before Rocky suddenly perked up. “Oh, Grace explain human reproduction now, question?”
“Uh– hang on, bud, you sure?” Grace said, sitting up and giving the alien a look of wary surprise. “Like I said, I’m totally willing, but there’s a lot of…leaking.”
“Rocky adult! Have mate, do science! Rocky can handle it,” the engineer said dismissively.
“Alright, if you say so…”
It took only about five minutes before Rocky was shrieking “disgust!”s and abandoning the conversation entirely with a declaration that human biology was an evolutionary mistake, leaving Grace to chuckle alone in the room behind him.
As he lay back down in his bunk, he found he was smiling at the ceiling. It seemed impossible, but somehow—lying there in a hyper-engineered would-be coffin, hurtling towards a planet with a fully unbreathable atmosphere, with only a singular crewmate of an entirely different species for company—Ryland Grace realized that he was the least lonely he’d ever been.