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V watched on from a distance amongst the snowdrifts. Alone, just out of reach. Just like she always did.
It was a clear night, a rarity on the surface of a planet ravaged by two separate core collapses. A night among the moon and starlight. A chance to get out of the bunker and enjoy the quiet as friends.
V scoffed, crossing her arms. Yeah right, “friends”. The purple twerp had insisted V tag along, even though she’d tried to refuse. No doubt embarrassed to go on what was so obviously a date. Not that N realized his idea was absolutely prime date material. The sweet, simple boy probably did genuinely think he was just coming up with something the three of them could do as friends. No. V was certain that N would never willingly drag her along and make her confront all… this… It wasn’t in his nature. Careless? Yes, often. But intentionally cruel? Never.
She gazed upward, watching the two as their fight took them higher. They'd invited her to join them, and V had made her excuses. Said she was low on battery and didn't feel like having to go find oil if she pushed herself.
So she waited down below, alone, watching as the couple became silhouettes against Copper 9's ringed neighbor. They flew close together, holding hands as they twirled around each other in an aerial waltz.
Yeah right. Totally not a date, V thought, her inner voice practically spitting the words. It was gross. She hated it.
For a moment, a rising heat filled her chest, feeling the familiar sting of jealousy and bitter resentment. It was a part of her that she knew well, the part of her that wanted to hate Uzi for taking N from her. The part of her furious at N for running off with that annoying—
V gritted her teeth, forcing the feeling back down, burying it deep enough that it grew numb. It wasn't fair to Uzi to keep resenting her like this. She didn’t hate her. Not anymore. If anything, she should be thankful. Glad that N had found someone who made him happy. Someone who looked out for him in the way she— V… hadn't. Not in a long, long time. Not in the way that truly mattered. N deserved…
N…
V hated how much it often hurt to think about her fellow Disassembly Drone. The way her core ached, the longing she still felt for the sweet, kind, dumb boy. He had never changed, still the same drone he'd been at the mansion. That was probably why it felt this way. Looking at him was a constant reminder. Of their past together. What could have been.
That's why it was so easy, wasn't it? So easy to cling to that dream. Even as it remained out of reach. Denied.
You did this to yourself, V reminded herself. No one denied you a damn thing. No one but you. You have no one else to blame.
That was the truth, wasn’t it? She’d had years to be honest with N. To tell him how she truly felt. She’d known… known that through all the memory purges Cyn had inflicted upon N, he’d still held feelings for her. She’d had so many chances to be open. To rekindle what they’d had before. She could have—
It was your choice. It was always your choice, V thought, letting the words of judgement wash over her. She felt the simulated sensation of tears welling in her eyes. She hated the feeling. It made her feel weak. Like the helpless, timid drone she’d been before. The one who’d been forced to become the callous creature she was now just to survive.
V closed her standard eyes. It was a futile gesture; the sensor array on her head remained constantly active as long as she was. Nor did it change much, through all of the changes Cyn forced upon her body, the broken lenses she had as a worker drone remained. A sick joke, more likely than not. One she'd learned to compensate for with the additional “eyes” all Disassembly Drones had.
Additional, unblinking, always active eyes. Always seeing everything. Eyes that forced her to watch on against her wishes, taking in every moment of N's and Uzi's dance across the darkened sky. All while she was left here. Alone.
She wrapped her arm folded tighter around herself, hugging herself as if huddling against the cold she barely even felt.
Cast out in the cold.
Alone.
V took in a long, rasping breath, letting the freezing air cool her internal components. She tried to focus on the planet's moon, letting its image fill her mind and block out everything else. It was so similar to Earth's, she could almost pretend she was back there. Home. Before everything with Cyn. Before all the pain. Before… this…
V sat at the lip of the roof, sobbing as she stared through blurred vision at her broken glasses; the crackled glass reflected silver in the moonlight.
It had been an accident. She hadn't meant to drop the wine glass. She didn’t mean to slip like that. She hadn't meant to stain the carpet and—
She sobbed harder, reliving the moment. She'd been so sure she'd been going to die. She'd seen Tessa's father kill the other workers for less. If it hadn't been for Tessa intervening, she would have. Instead, she got away with just some broken glasses while Tessa took the punishment for her, getting locked away in her room again.
So she'd retreated here, half blind. She needed to be alone. To get away before she ruined anything else.
It was her fault. She got Tessa in trouble with her mistake. She was so useless and clumsy and completely—
“Hey, you doing okay?”
V jolted in surprise at the voice, fumbling with her glasses. She frantically snatched for them before they could fall, sending herself off balance. She began to slip, losing her perch on the rooftop, falling—
Hands seized her, pulling her back to safety as she was greeted with the smiling face of another drone. Even through terribly blurred vision, there was no mistaking who the features belonged to.
“Whoops, easy there, buddy. I got you,” N said, settling her back down onto the roof.
“I'm sorry, I…” V shook her head, burying her face in her hands to hide her embarrassment. “It was an accident and I…”
She didn’t even know if she was referring to nearly falling off the roof or her mistake earlier. She was always doing this. She couldn't get anything right…
“It's okay. No harm done,” N assured her. She heard movement as N sat down next to her. A moment later she felt him reach out and take her hands into his, gently peeling them away from her face. “I just wanted to check up on you. J told me what happened. Are you okay?”
V sniffled, shaking her head.
“You want to talk about it?”
Again she shook her head.
“V… come on. I know you feel like you messed up, but it was an accident. I'm sure Tessa doesn't blame you, and you know how her folks get sometimes.”
“But she got in trouble because of me,” V sobbed.
“Yeah, because she cares about you. Me and J too. That's why she's always looking out for us,” N told her.
“But I—” V tried to argue.
“—didn't make Tessa do anything she didn't want to. She didn’t want to see you get hurt,” N interjected before she could resume her spiral of self-loathing. “So instead of going on about who's to blame, how about we just try to do what we can to look out for her too. Repay the favor, you know?”
V nodded slowly. I… I think I can do that… can't I? She sniffled, trying to cling to that resolve. She wasn't sure if she really could… well, she wasn't really sure she was good enough to do much “looking out” for anyone else. But N was right, wasn't he? She owed it to Tessa to at least try.
N slipped one hand free from hers and reached into the pocket of his suit. He fished around for a moment before producing an unbroken pair of glasses. Gingerly, he placed them upon her face.
V blinked, seeing his features clearly now. While he was still smiling, now she could see the obvious worry in his eyes.
“Where…?”
“Just because Tessa's locked up in her room doesn't mean she didn’t realize you'd need your spare,” N explained. He shrugged. “J smuggled them out. Asked me to bring them to you.”
“Asked? Are you sure?” V inquired incredulously. Despite how terrible she felt, she couldn't help but clock the oddness of the phrasing.
“Well… ‘asked’, ‘told’, ‘demanded’, ‘threatened’, they're all just words, and they basically mean the same thing, right?” N laughed, shrugging again.
Despite herself, V couldn't help but join with a small laugh of her own. Now that sounds a lot more like J, she thought.
Her laugh faded quickly, replaced by more sniffling as she again felt the same ache deep in her core, this time overwhelmed by N's concern and how sweet he was being and—
Why? Why's N always worrying about me so much? He always looks out for me and… I don't deserve it…
“Are you okay?” N asked, noticing V had started to cry again.
“No, I… I mean yes, I-I'm, okay.” V wiped her face with the fabric of her maid outfit. There were no actual tears to mop up, of course, but drone AI was based so heavily on human behaviors that the action itself often had the desired effect. In this case, forcing her display to stop showing tears. “Thanks, N. You being here means a lot. You know that… don't you?”
“Of course. I love being there for people. Especially for those I— care about. Haha!” N laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.
V wondered at that for a moment, only to swiftly bury the thought. She was certainly just reading too much into things. He definitely didn't mean to suggest—
V turned her attention skyward, gazing up at the full moon overhead. It was a clear night, a rarity for the often rainy region the Elliot Mansion had been built in. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, revealing the full expanse of space beyond.
“It's a nice night, isn't it?” N said. He was gazing upward now too, taking in the sight alongside her. “You don't often get to see this many stars.”
“Yeah”, V agreed. She always wondered what it was like, out there, among the stars. She knew of humanity's colonies, of course. That was the purpose for which the vast majority of worker drones were manufactured. Those like her, N, and J made here on Earth were the minority: created to act as servants or office assistants.
She wasn't made for that purpose: to go out there. She knew her whole operational life would be spent on Earth. It's foolish to dream otherwise. Yet, every time she gazed into that night sky, she couldn't help but dream.
“Do you ever think we'll go up there?” V asked, the words leaving her before she could stop them.
“Huh? You mean the moon?” N asked.
“Yes. Well, no. I mean out there. The moon, other planets, the stars. Do you think we'll ever get to go?”
“Huh, I don't see why not. I guess I just never thought of it before,” N answered. “Is there any reason why—”
“No, never mind— It's stupid of me to think— We're workers, we don't get to decide…” she trailed off, blushing in embarrassment at voicing the dumb, foolish dream. Why did I say anything? Now he'll think—
“Hey, I don't think it’s dumb,” N assured her. “I think it’s a great goal to have. Maybe Tessa will bring us up there. Or if not, I dunno, I'm sure you'll figure something out.”
“Do you really think so?”
“Of course, silly. I believe you can do anything you set your mind to.”
N smiled at her gently. He reached out, slipping a hand around hers. Her hand moved involuntarily, intertwining her fingers with his. V's display showed an even larger blush now, mirroring the flushed cheeks animated on N's visor as well.
“W-Well, I-I,” V stammered, glancing away. “If I go, y-you'll come with me… right?”
“Of course. I'll always be there for you.”
V smiled through her blush. Still too embarrassed to meet the other drone's gaze, she looked upward instead, staring at the moon, large and bright overhead.
He is always like this. Always looking out for me, V thought, realizing it wasn't just Tessa whom she needed to help repay the favor. She needed, no, wanted more than anything to keep N safe. To look out for him the way he did for her. To always be there for him. No matter what.
“Thanks, N.” V acted on impulse, one so strong it overpowered her fear. She leaned over, giving N a small kiss on the cheek.
V jolted back just a quick, realizing what she'd done. She stared, eyes wide and hollow, every circuit of her processor feeling as if they were on fire. N too stared back, visibly in shock, his mouth working wordlessly as if struck dumb.
For an instant neither moved, blushes again displaying across their visors. Then, in unison, the two looked away, thoroughly embarrassed by what had occurred.
That had been foolish, V knew that. But despite everything, it had also felt… right. To give some gesture to let him know how she felt. Of how much N meant to her.
No matter what happens, I'll take care of you, V promised silently. That was her vow. No matter what happened, she'd protect him. Whatever it took… she'd do it for him…
V blinked her eyes, feeling the simulated tears flowing freely as the unbidden memory faded.
Back at the mansion, N had always looked out for her, no matter how many times she messed up. That was why… why she'd sworn to do everything she could to always protect him. No matter what.
Protect him? Yeah right, that's a good one.
She'd tried. She'd thought— She'd truly believed she'd been doing what she needed to. That by putting as much distance between them as she could, she could use that newfound persona of an unfeeling monster as armor. Use it to shield N from all the trauma and horror of their reality. Sever the emotional attachments Cyn could use to manipulate him. Keep him in the dark and in blissful ignorance.
She'd thought she'd known what was best for him. She knew better now. Instead of protecting him, she'd left N isolated: emotionally alone and at the mercy of J’s near-constant mistreatment. He'd needed someone to be there for him. To be the emotional support and anchor he needed. Someone to hold him close and tell him it was okay. That he was loved and wanted.
She hadn't been able to give him that because she was a coward. So afraid of him being taken from her as everything else had, that she'd ended up losing him herself. If only she'd been braver. If only—
You can't keep doing this, V. You can't keep dwelling on what could have been, V told herself. She laughed, the sound half a sob. You made your choices. It's too late now. N's found someone who was there for him when you couldn't be. He's moved on, and you have to too. You need to let go.
V squeezed her eyes shut, letting the sensation of her displayed tears wash over her. It still hurt, her very core aching as she watched on. But maybe that was okay. Better to feel that pain than eternally cling to a dream of what could have been.
Maybe someday she would be able to live with that.
Her optical sensor array caught the movement in the distance before she heard the crunch of boots in the snow. She didn’t turn, threat detection processes immediately marking the approaching being as safe. A normal worker drone. Unarmed.
V opened her primary eyes, continuing to stare upward at the night sky. Soon the approaching sound of footsteps was joined by the soft, rapid-fire synthesized blips of a touchscreen keyboard, giving away the drone's identity. Not that V hadn't already figured that out: the clarity near three-sixty-degree vision her head-light-eyes provide meant that she didn’t need to even turn to see such things.
“Hey angsty-trauma-bot. We out here brooding as usual or something?” Lizzy asked. The sound of her footsteps ceased as she came to a stop beside V, though the beeping clicks of her phone's keyboard continued unabated.
V gave no reply, continuing to stare up at the moon.
“That bad, huh?” The sound of texting ceased, the worker looking up from her phone for the first time since she'd gotten there. She followed V's gaze, up to where N and Uzi were still flying.
“Ah, gross,” Lizzy noted. V could practically hear the eyeroll as much as she saw it. “You wanna talk about it?”
V closed her eyes again, taking another breath to cool off her core. “Not particularly.”
A short burst of key presses followed. The phone in V's pocket buzzed. No doubt some sort of reaction image or meme to try to cheer her up. She'd look later.
“You know you don't have to tag along on what's so obviously a date, right?” Lizzy told her.
V wondered how Lizzy had known all that. She doubted Uzi or N told her anything. Was the situation that painfully obvious?
“I know…” That was all V could manage.
“Then why do this to yourself, idiot? You can just say no instead of hurting yourself,” Lizzy told her. “Masochism much?”
V grumbled, trying her best “threatening murder drone” glare. The worker remained unfazed, remaining put. V didn't really mind, honestly. She would have regretted it if Lizzy had left then. She was tired of being alone.
V felt an arm hook around hers, a head coming the rest against her shoulder. V inclined her head, guarding the sudden display with confused uncertainty. “What are you doing?”
“Keeping you company, duh. If you insist on torturing yourself, better you don't have to suffer out here alone,” Lizzy explained. She rolled her eyes. “—and because I'm a good friend, even when you're an idiot.”
“I— Thanks. I mean, I guess…” V felt herself blush, quickly turning away before the worker noticed. She wasn't good at this. It had been so long since anyone else had really cared about her. Anyone besides N. This was unfamiliar territory. She didn’t even know what this was.
What were they? Just friends? Something more?
It seemed like coming to terms with her lingering feelings wasn't the only thing she had to sort out right now.
But perhaps unlike her grief over what may have been, this dilemma wasn't so bad, for it was something in her future. Not a dream of the past of what couldn't be.
Besides her, Lizzy lifted up her phone, holding it out in a gesture V knew all too well. V sighed, rolling her eyes even as she acquiesced to the unspoken demand and posed for the selfie. There was a flash, and V blinked, her optical array rapidly adjusting to the light.
As Lizzy pulled her phone away, V caught a glimpse of the screen. She couldn't help but notice that in the picture, without meaning to, she had been smiling.
Author's Note: So doing something a bit different here this time. First time writing something for Murder Drones that's not Nuzi centric, as I wanted to explore V's character a bit and have her reflecting on past EnVy and how things turned out. Because, yeah, a lot of how things panned out were due to V's choices. Not to say this makes V a bad person: a lot of it was a direct response to her trauma and fear of Cyn, but it doesn't change the fact that she did make the choices that caused her and N's relationship to never really pan out. Plus this is also a great opportunity for me to get some practice writing V before I jump into my planned long sequel fic. Which incidentally, I have a poll running over on tumblr for getting some feedback on the ideas I had for the title of that fic. Not exactly asking people to vote for what title to use, but more so narrow it down to like the top 2 or 3 from which I will pick which to go through.
On a related note, about a month ago I posted a WIP scene from that upcoming longfic over here on tumblr if anyone wants to check it out. Consider it a little preview that I'd love to get people's thoughts on. And its even topical due to the new official short that dropped yesterday, because said WIP is also "Jangst". Which, can I just say, oh my got I feel so vindicated by that short that so many of my (and the fandom at large's) headcanons and interpretations for J as a character got more or less confirmed by that video. It makes me even more excited to really get the ball rolling on that story, since the short has fueled my desires to explore those ideas even more!
But enough yapping, let me what you think. Constructive criticism is very welcome, its the only way I can continue to improve as a writer. I am going to both get started on my planned longfic now as well as I plan to participate in Nuzi-Week this coming September, so be on the lookout for that!