Chapter Text
The sun almost glistened as Ollie Bearman stepped out of his HAAS. Except it didn’t, since he was in England. A small, quiet sigh escaped his mouth as he removed his helmet then balaclava. Immediately, thoughts streamed into his head. His race was mediocre at best, but he managed to pass a few cars towards the last 15 or so laps. Bearman had gone into the pit twice, falling slightly behind each time. Still, he had gained advantages after he did.
Ollie’s race to the average fan or even a commentator at Silverstone would be adequate. Even more so than that, according to certain people, maybe. But it wasn’t about his performance, it was about someone else’s.
Ollie bit his lip, his stomach twisted as he turned right towards the other drivers and back towards the track.
There, just as he expected a Mercedes pulled into the area, and Ollie’s heart fell. He could already sense it before the camera’s turned to Kimi. The media was going to have a field day with the driver’s performance, and that would just make it worse if anything.
The wheels came to a complete halt and a saddening feeling clung to Ollie’s skin like slime. Even the way the car was moving reflected the driver’s emotions inside. Bearman’s mind cascaded with one disturbing thought after the other. A P16 for Ollie would be bad, or according to some people, just out of average range. But for Kimi Antonelli? Toto Wolff’s newest star? It was downright awful. Awful in a way that even the most casual of casual fans would shiver at. Ollie knew that Kimi felt this race couldn’t have been any worse.
Ollie’s gut did another horrible somersault as he watched Kimi stay in the car. The stagnant look of the whole scene was like a horror movie—or an old black and white film. Bearman could feel the emotion coming from the car even standing a few yards away. The other drivers in the area tried to pay no mind to Antonelli to be polite, but Ollie couldn’t look away. Not with his boyfriend obviously hurt.
He should look away, if anyone got any idea of them. Well… that would just be the worst case scenario. But..it was just too hard. Everything was in slow motion for Bearman, the camera’s, the podium attendees, everything. But his boyfriend seemed to be even slowly. Not in a blissful way, in a way that seemed to keep Ollie frozen for far longer than he should have been. None of this was fair.
Almost by a miracle a few moments later Ollie felt a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t have to turn to realize it was Gabriel. George was celebrating his 2nd place victory and Esteban would’ve casted a larger shadow. Only 3 drivers on the grid knew about Kimi and Ollie.
“Come on mate, you’re staring.” Ollie turned slightly, watching Gabriel frown. His soft brown eyes moved in a knowing way. His tone was slightly urgent, but caring in a very Gabi way. Oliver hesitated, but turned away once he watched Kimi wipe his tears. His heart shook at the image. Still, he could either stare in a heartbroken way, or let it go and find his boyfriend later. Ollie turned away. It was logical, after all.
A deep, sinking feeling fell onto Bearman’s figure. He stopped himself from slouching, but his overwhelmingly neutral face and wrecked glint in his eyes didn’t help. Still, he followed Gabriel loosely like a ghost, watching the top 3 walk into the cooldown room.
Ollie could sense the crowd behind him growing, they had opened the gates. He did a few breathing exercises, gaining his composure. Sadly, he would have to wait to talk to Kimi. Right now, hundreds of fans were lining up. Even if Bearman didn’t want to, he would have to wait.
Ollie turned around in a practiced manner, smiling for the crowd.
…
Despite promising himself he would stick to signing fan’s hats and shirts and whatever else there was to sign, Ollie just couldn’t.
Every moment drawled on him with a slight sense of urgency, as if Kimi would’ve ran off the grid in the meantime. Obviously, Ollie knew George and Toto wouldn’t allow that, but nothing was impossible. That thought definitely didn’t make it better.
After signing, filming videos, and whatever else, Ollie would remember what had happened just minutes before. The Mercedes slowing down. The cameras following the car. Kimi obviously crying. It was crazy to ignore it, and Bearman couldn’t.
Mostly because he knew Kimi. Ollie knew him well enough to know he was sobbing before the camera’s reeled in. Ollie knew Kimi was stricken with shame before his front wing was even changed. Many people didn’t notice, but Ollie was observant. He noticed little things, and he noticed them before others did. And, of course, Ollie was always observant around Kimi. He couldn’t not be.
So after a very brief post-race interaction with fans, Ollie slipped out of sight, away from any cameras. Just to be careful, he moved on an unusual route towards the Mercedes garage. The winding course he set would be very shocking for any fans to calculate, and if any of the paddock dwellers asked, he’d just apologize and run off. Ollie always knew exactly where it was and exactly where Kimi liked to be in it. The first part all drivers and people in the paddock knew, but the second not so much. It felt special, but right now, that thought was nowhere to be found in Bearman’s head.
At last he reached the Mercedes garage. Ollie followed the perimeter of the building and reached a small side door. He rung a camera doorbell, waiting patiently for someone to answer. This particular spot of the garage’s exterior was hidden away from the rest of the paddock. Ollie was very glad for the cover, especially now. Even just one video would cause rumors, Ollie knew.
Bearman tapped his foot on the paved ground impatiently. It followed no particular beat, but had a concerned tone behind it. It felt like ages, but finally the door swung open.
Toto Wolff didn’t look surprised to see Ollie. Ollie and Kimi had trusted Toto enough to inform him about their relationship. Most of the time Kimi opened the door, but Ollie was anything but shocked to see Toto open it. He already suspected his boyfriend was moping in his room at the garage.
Toto moved so Ollie could step inside, he did so immediately. Ollie wasn’t aware of his slightly winded look, but Toto knew by his slightly concerned facial expressions.
“Where is he?” Ollie huffed. The tone wasn’t rude, just urgent. He already knew where Kimi would be, but Toto gestured forwards anyway. Ollie rushed towards the room and called a quick ‘thank you,’ back to Wolff. Bearman wasn’t there long enough to see his affirming nod.
Ollie came to a slow halt as he approached the door. He took a strong breath despite the worry in his heart and gave the door his signature knock. 3 drawn out knocks, a pause, 1 drawn out one, and then three short bursts. His initials in Morse code.
A shaky breath came from behind the door. His heart sank, realizing Kimi probably didn’t have much energy to say ‘come in’, let alone let Ollie in. The sound his sigh was loud enough to be on purpose, so Bearman took this as his cue. But to be careful, he opened the door slowly.
Kimi didn’t look up, but he knew Ollie was there now. Ollie shut the door lightly, making it over to the bench Antonelli was moping on. He was still wearing his helmet from the race. Bearman slowly sat down next to him, offering a hand in Kimi’s lap. Kimi merely pushed it away, gesturing towards his back. Ollie placed it on his boyfriend’s back, rubbing slow circles into his spine.
They didn’t speak for a while—maybe twenty minutes or so. There was a mutual understanding of silence that felt necessarily. Ollie just continued to rub circles onto Kimi’s back and shoulders. Kimi merely sobbed silently, it slowly calmed down after a while. Once Kimi’s sobbed turned to slow, fragile breathing, Ollie took off his helmet and balaclava for him.
Ollie knew not to speak first, so Kimi did. “I should have stopped the race earlier.” Were the first words he mustered.
Ollie tilted his head, his curls falling slightly. “You put up a good fight,” he pushed as much meaning into his words as he could. “It’s not like you to stop fighting, Kimi.”
That was certainly true. And Ollie knew his boyfriend well. Kimi, however, just gave out a heart breaking sniffle. Ollie frowned.
“Don’t you get it?” The Mercedes driver let out weakly. “I-it’s not enough.” Ollie opened his mouth, but Kimi raised a shaky hand to silence him. “I’m just—what’s even going on? My car gave out on me, and I fell so many places.” Kimi began to weep again. Ollie kept circling his back. “I don’t care if I’m the best, it’s never good enough for my luck.”
There was a long pause of silence. Ollie debated what to say.
“It’s not about luck.” Ollie muttered. Kimi had looked up at him now, a little hint of surprise on his face. Ollie continued. “And you are the best, but it’s not the luck that’s hurting you.”
Kimi looked like he appreciated the criticism. Ollie knew the luck. “What is, then?”
Ollie turned away, then promptly looked back. “It’s your confidence.”
Kimi’s eyes went wide. “Babe, I am confident!—“
Ollie stopped him. “You are, but not in the way I’m trying to explain.” He watched as Kimi regained his curiosity. “I got sent back so many places, right?” Ollie said. “And you did too, but I regained them because of confidence. Still, it wasn’t your fault that you didn’t do so well, it was your car’s fault.”
Kimi nodded. “Yes, sure.” He moved Ollie’s hands into his own.
“It was your car’s fault,” Bearman politely corrected. Kimi rolled his eyes, but he nodded again anyway. “Before the race, I always check everything on my car at least once.” He explained. “It helps me get ready for the race and be extra confident. In myself, my abilities, and my car’s abilities.”
Antonelli narrowed his eyes. “So… what you’re saying is that I should check my car before the race?” Ollie nodded.
“Exactly.” He beamed.
Kimi’s shoulders lost some tension. “And.. how is this different from normal confidence?”
That was kind of a hard one. Ollie shrugged. “I dunno, I guess checking everything just helps me.” He zoned out for a moment, thinking. “Think of it as like—uh, a scale, your scale is at its highest when you feel the most confident.” Kimi nodded. “You don’t really have to check everything like I do, but you can find something to help you focus, keep yourself alert and in turn realize problems earlier.”
Kimi raised a brow. “This analogy is shit, babe.”
Ollie laughed. “I know, I know—“
A second later, the door to the room creaked open. Ollie stiffened, eyes wide as he watched it. Immediately, he pulled his hands out of Kimi’s and widened his eyes. Before it could open, a yell came from down the hall.
“Kimi is still in there!” The voice yelled. Ollie immediately recognized it as George Russell.
Despite the fact Russell didn’t watch Bearman trek towards the Mercedes garage, he knew. George was calculated like that, and he knew just where Ollie would go after the race.
Of course, George wasn’t just yelling at the person because Kimi was inside. He was stopping him because both of them were there.
A few moments later, the door swung open and George Russell walked inside. He smelled of champagne and looked very alert. Despite his podium, he wasn’t all blissful and excited. He was logical and in his almost parent-like headspace.
Immediately, George shut the door, locking it this time. Ollie must have forgotten.
“Ollie,” George breathed. “Remember to lock the door next time.”
Ollie nodded, forcing himself not to roll his eyes. “Of course.” He crossed his arms.
George’s eyes softened when he noticed Kimi, almost in a maternal way. Of course he immediately noticed the dried tears on his cheeks and his reddened face. He had calmed down, but that didn’t mean George would think he had.
Russell rushed over. “Are you alright?” He gave Kimi a pointed look, cuffing his cheek for a split second. After he did, he immediately began rubbing his cheeks to remove the tear stains.
“Yes, I’m—“
“That wasn’t your fault, Kimi,” George continued. “Honestly, I can march up to any of those morons who—“
“I’m fine!” Kimi called, pushing George’s hand away. George stood back. “I know it wasn’t, I know George.”
Russell huffed. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay,” he turned to Ollie, giving him a respectful glance. George walked towards the door. “Don’t make too much noise! Lock the door!”
“Ew, mate!” Kimi scowled, his face scrunching up.
Ollie glared. “Get out please.” He let the last word hang rather disrespectfully. George laughed.
“I’m joking.” He shut the door, not before pointing to the lock. Ollie got up and immediately locked it after.
He sat back down and watched Kimi for a moment.
“Thanks for the tips.” Kimi clicked his tongue, drumming his fingers on his thigh. Ollie smiled.
“Anytime.”
A beat of silence passed, then,
“Can I get a hug?” Kimi asked.
Ollie went in before replying. “Of course, sweetheart.”
…
The week before Spa was sort of uneventful if anything. Ollie had been going from workout to meal to break in rotation for most of the days. Or at least until Thursday.
Thursday was when Ollie settled in his hotel room—or, Ollie and Kimi’s hotel room.
For the past few races Kimi had been begging to share a room with the Haas driver, each time he had said no, but because of Silverstone, Ollie couldn’t.
Ollie was glad to share a room, don’t get him wrong! But the whole thing just felt all together too risky, for the media and their grid mates to see. That’s why he decided to set strict conditions for the hotel and transportation to it. Kimi nodded to everything he said, all together just really excited to stay with his boyfriend.
The first rule was that the couple would have to stay in a separate hotel from their grid mates that didn’t know about their relationship. This was common sense to Ollie, but Kimi was a little annoyed about it. The Mercedes driver said it was excess and that their relationship would be hidden without it, but Ollie ensured that it wasn’t that simple. Bearman’s intuition definitely played a huge part in that. He knew that no one was catching on really after their apparent ‘breakup’ but he still wanted to be sure. Especially since there were a lot of nosy tendencies, especially with the younger drivers. Ollie had already caught Arvid sneaking into the Haas garage one time many times for his liking, and Franco wasn’t far behind Arvid’s record.
The second rule was that both of them had to make sure the media didn’t follow them anywhere close to the hotel’s location. Paparazzi was definitely harder to deal with, but with different routes in plan for the hotel it was easier to escape the cameras and yelping voices. Now more than ever Ollie was glad the paparazzi had been quieter with him, but that really never stayed the same. God, Ollie was sometimes horrified of paparazzi. What would happen if a stray camera caught a shot of them? Holding hands? Kissing? Bearman would never forgive himself.
The third in final rule tied into the second mostly. It was that the hotel had to be smaller than normal and sort of hidden. Kimi wasn’t so happy about the lack of supplies this might mean, but Ollie still assured this rule was possibly the most necessary. Maybe even more than the 1st and 2nd. The niche location of a hotel meant fewer room and fewer people, as well as an almost guaranteed that the pair wouldn’t be tracked.
Once Thursday arrived, Ollie got to the hotel and acquired the room key from a very bored-looking middle aged woman. He thanked her before walking upstairs. Fifteen minutes later Kimi arrived, looking far less nervous than Ollie. The whole way to the hotel Bearman looked over his shoulder a lot, checking for cars or people following him.
The actual hotel was small and hidden on a small off-road in the Belgian woods. It was a cabin-type building with no elevators and an almost motel format. Ollie didn’t expect much from the rooms, but he hadn’t seen them yet either. The building wasn’t too far from the track, so Ollie expected to see many fans in the rooms. Surprisingly, Bearman hadn’t seen any yet, only some older Belgian locals and non-Motorsport tourists which were probably the hiking type. This was obviously a huge relief, but it didn’t make the driver any less superstitious.
Ollie leaned against their room door, watching as his boyfriend waved, walking down the hallway towards him.
“This place smells like rain.” Kimi said, strangely enthusiastic for the words he uttered. Ollie snickered.
“Its rains here quite a bit, huh? That might be something to do with it.” Bearman replied. He passed over the extra room key to Kimi, who pocketed it immediately.
The Mercedes driver shrugged. “This place is actually a lot nicer than I thought it would be.” He sounded genuinely surprised, and he was right. The carpet had a cute woodsy design that fit the feel of the place and everything in it was high quality and homey. Ollie was satisfied with this, and it seemed that Kimi was too.
Still, they hadn’t seen their room yet.
Ollie swiped the room key and it opened in a singular try. The thing itself had a few scuff marks, but it was the welcoming type of use—honey like the rest of the place.
The room was in the standard hotel layout. Bathroom to the left, small kitchen to the right, and king size bed, desk, TV, and closet after a short walkway. The decor was very on point with the rest of the place, sticking to the hiking forest theme. Everything supportive in the place was wood, including the bed frame, dresser, chairs (with some fabric on them), and even the coffee maker. Ollie also smiled when he noticed the air con unit at the window.
Kimi shut the door and Ollie placed his hands on his hips, beaming at the space around them. For being an almost complete hidden hotel, it was pretty damn nice.
Antonelli raced over to the bed, dropping his suitcase on the right side. “I’ll take this side!” He called, grinning back at his boyfriend. Ollie nodded, dropping his own suitcase on the left side. To be fair. That was their normal set up.
For the next hour or so Kimi sat there switching through channels on the remote and Ollie stared at his phone, checking media for anything suspicious. He sighed with relief when nothing came up. His plan was working.
“Do you think anyone else on the grid is dating?” The question came out of nowhere, but Ollie turned to his boyfriend immediately.
Ollie hadn’t really given that much thought. Most of the grid was either dating someone, married, or a mysterious bachelor that really wasn’t as mysterious as the media said they were. To be fair, if anyone was dating each other, they would either be really obvious about it, or keep it under lock and key. There was no in between. With Ollie being so focused on him and Kimi, he doubted anyone else was doing something like them. Especially since they almost all had female partners.
Bearman traced Kimi’s forearm with a shrug. “I don’t think so,” he answered, brown doe eyes flickering to his boyfriend’s face. “Why do you ask?”
Kimi hesitated before responding, a glimmer of something unrecognizable passing through his eyes. Ollie watched it for a moment thoughtfully before he spoke. “I’ve noticed some things about these two drivers,” Kimi shrugged, like it wasn’t a big deal. “I think they might be together? But one of them already had a partner, so probably not.”
Ollie studied him for a moment. “Which drivers?” It was the obvious question to ask. Ollie assumed that everyone on the grid would be straight, but apparently Kimi thought otherwise?
Kimi didn’t respond immediately, the same strange glimmer passing through his eyes. Then, he smirked. “You should try to figure it out.” Kimi beamed at the idea.
Ollie gave Kimi a look. He didn’t exactly want to do that, but, well, Ollie was curious now.
Still, he waited a minute before speaking again, trying not to seem too desperate. “Why can’t you tell me?” Bearman asked.
Kimi smiled. “It’ll be fun. Just look out for them.” A pause. “You’re observant, hm?”
That didn’t exactly sound ‘fun’ to Ollie as Kimi described it, but it wouldn’t be boring, either. He thought for a moment before he uttered another word. Ollie was definitely observant.
“Please?” Kimi must have noticed the skeptical look in his eyes. “This way, you’ll see what I see.”
Ollie gave his boyfriend a look. “Alright, but if I don’t get it by Sunday, could you tell me who you suspect it is?” Ollie asked.
Kimi tilted his head. “You’ll get it.” He paused. “No promises, okay?”
Ollie knew he couldn’t persuade his boyfriend anymore. He let out a breath—almost more like a sigh. “Alright, sure.”