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Another mid-July thunderstorm was washing down the stained-glass windows of the Thorburn house. Jay was the only one awake, with Matt asleep on the bunk below him, Jared tucked away upstairs. This was how most nights were going ever since Jay had erased the "Don't" from the whiteboard. The days were normal, the two of them fluttering around the living room, bouncing ideas off of each other, walking up Dufferin to catch the 501 streetcar east to get to the Rivoli, their usual shenanigans. But the nights were when everything would come back to hit him, especially during these summer thunderstorms.
Jay turned over in bed, throwing the comforter to the side. His chest was starting to feel weightless, the way it often did when he started thinking too much about the long-term consequences of the time travelling he had done just a couple of weeks ago. What about that time they were walking down Queen West in the rain, back in '08, without umbrellas? Matt had said something about how people should realize how beautiful this is, they shouldn't carry umbrellas...How could they have been so stupid? Granted, there wasn't a thunderstorm that night, but the risk of lightning is always there. Or they could have gotten sick. Jay hates getting sick, and then they'd have had to take cold medicine, and maybe Matt wouldn't have --
Another crack of thunder jolts his mind back to 2025. This new 2025. The Matt he had just been reminiscing about in the rain, hair sticking to his forehead like a wet dog, didn't even exist anymore. The Matt that was quietly snoring on the bottom bunk wasn't the same Matt. He was so close. He was still Jay's. But it wasn't quite the same. In the last couple of weeks since fixing the timeline, Jay had started to feel a little weightless sometimes. Everything was fine during the day, but at night his mind would race, his chest felt hollow, and he felt as if he would start floating away to different timelines if he didn't find something to keep him tethered to this new timeline. He had to stick with it. The alternative would be to tell Matt everything, how he had betrayed him, pretended not to know him just for a taste of fame, how Matt had sacrificed himself...and that just wasn't a conversation Jay felt he could have yet. How would Matt react? There was nothing he could do about it, anyway. Maybe he just needs time to adjust. Find a way to keep himself from floating back to his old life and stay in this new one. Find something to tether him here. But the tether was too short, just like the cable that night --
The image of Matt holding the cable stabs him in the heart. He sits up in bed and presses his hand to his chest, heart pounding. Everything's going to be fine. That didn't happen to Matt. Well, this Matt.
The thunder gets louder; the storm is getting closer. The sound of the water gushing down the roof reminds him of the water flowing in the sewer tunnels. Does Matt even remember that? Did they do that in this timeline? His heart skips a beat, speeding up. He can feel the weightlessness getting stronger, pulling his heart into panic. It reminds him of the Goldeneye tournament, how sick he felt and how fast his heart was beating. Did that happen in this timeline either, or is it just another burden Jay will have to bear on his own? Everything Jay thinks of to try and ground himself makes his mind race even faster. He remembers a trick his doctor told him when he was a kid, when his mother had taken him to get his anxiety sorted out. Count 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, et cetera. Jay tries to count the movie posters on the wall. L'Aventura, the Passion of the Christ, The Big Short. Wait. Jay doesn't remember The Big Short being on the wall before. Another small difference in this timeline. Does it really matter? No. But it's not helping him calm down. Okay, 4 things he can hear. Thunder. Rain. Matt's slow breathing. His heartbeat hammering in his ears. This is not helping. Jay stays there, sitting up, hand pressed to his chest, trying to breathe through it. If something doesn't change, he can tell a full panic attack will be on its way soon. He tries to ground himself with the pressure on his chest but it isn't enough.
The thunder makes Matt stir below him. Jay freezes; he doesn't want Matt to see him this way. Matt yawns, gets up, and sleepily stumbles to the window to see the rain. Jay wants to pretend he's asleep, but Matt turns around and sees him before Jay has a chance to lay back down and hide. A poorly-timed lightning strike illuminates the room for a second, and Matt catches a clear glimpse of the panic in Jay's eyes. "Bird? Holy smokes, are you okay?"
He quickly steps toward the bunks and lays a hand on Jay's shoulder. "What is it? Is it the storm?"
Well, that is technically part of it. Jay shakily nods his head, afraid to speak in case his voice cracks. "Y-yeah."
"Why don't I get us some warm milk, huh?" Matt turns toward the kitchen, and the thought of letting him near the appliances during a storm gives Jay another strike of pain, so he grabs Matt's arm. "Don’t go!" He doesn't care if Matt thinks he's being a baby. He can't lose this Matt too. Matt turns back, hands up in surrender. "Whoa, uh, okay. What do you need?" His eyes drift to Jay's other hand, still pressed against his chest, trying to steady his heart. He meets Jay's eyes and sees tears forming. He hasn't seen Jay like this in years. He repeats himself in a whisper. "What do you need?"
Jay breathes in, shakily. His voice drops even quieter than Matt's. "Can you just...c'mere? For a minute?"
Matt's shocked. Jay has, for as long as they've known each other, always shied away from touch. Pulling away from hugs first. Always shoving Matt's arm off his shoulder, shifting away on the couch when their legs were too tightly pressed together. He must be in pain if he's *asking* for physical contact. Matt doesn't hesitate for a second. "Oh man, of course Birdie. Lemme climb up."
He climbs up the side ladder, sits at the foot of the bed. Before he can say another word, Jay pulls him in tight and Matt can't believe how much his Bird is shaking. He runs a hand up and down Jay’s back, trying to soothe him. "What can I do?"
Jay's heart is still beating way too fast, the weightless feeling still there. Jay wraps him in another hug and squeezes tight, never wanting to let go. He’s never shown Matt this much physical affection, but you know what, maybe this timeline was the place he could start. Maybe it would help. Matt eases the two of them down so they're more comfortable, because sitting on the top of a bunk bed isn't comfortable for long. "I'm here. Just tell me what you need."
Jay swallows. "My, uh, my heart is...uh, beating way too fast. I can't get it to slow down." Matt sighs in sympathy. "I'm sorry, Bird." He doesn't know why Jay's feeling like this, but he knows what to do. He gently puts his hand on Jay's chest, right over his heart, and right away he feels the pounding beneath his fingers. Poor Bird. All this from a storm. "Yeah, I can feel it. Yikes, it's almost as fast as it was during the Goldeneye tournament."
Despite himself Jay almost laughs. So that had happened in this timeline too. "Almost."
"Let me try something." Matt gently applies more pressure to Jay’s chest, trying to soothe his panicked breathing. "Does that help?"
The moment Matt pressed against Jay's chest, something in Jay's ribcage loosened. Oh. There it was. The tether that would keep him tied here. It's Matt. That's all he needs. That's all he's been looking for. Jay took a deep breath in and out, his first deep breath in hours, chest loosening up. "Y-yeah. Thanks." Matt's relieved. He doesn't know what's hurting Jay, but they can figure that out later. "Of course, Bird. I'll stay as long as you want."
That nearly undoes Jay. I'll stay as long as you want. It hits him right where it hurts. It’s the exact opposite of how Jay had acted in his original timeline, always wanting to escape his life, his Matt. Maybe this was chance to get another try with Matt, even if he wasn't quite the same Matt he grew up with. Jay's heart started to slow down, with Matt's warmth and weight pressed against it. He squeezed Matt harder in thanks. He'll stay with Matt, here, in this house, in this timeline, as long as Matt wants from here on out. It’s the least he can do.