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“Hey, Kiyoko?” Yachi asked.
It was a crisp night, and the pair of children were laying on the grass of Kiyoko’s backyard, watching the infinite stars twinkle above. They were so pretty, even prettier when they were reflected in Kiyoko’s eyes.
“Yeah?”
“Do you think we’ll be married when we grow up?”
Kiyoko snorted, rolling on her side to stare at Yachi.
“What kind of question is that? Of course we will.”
“Yeah, but…” Yachi hesitated, hands fidgeting with her shirt. “What if you find someone else?”
“I won’t. I’m not that evil to run away and leave you alone with your mom, Yachi.”
Yachi let out a shy smile. She reached out to Kiyoko and grabbed her hand.
“You promise?”
Kiyoko smiled. “Promise.”
Kiyoko pulled Yachi into a hug, and they fell asleep moments later, right there on the grass, tangled in each other’s arms.
—
-19th of October, 2018-
Yachi flopped onto her bed. It was exhausting dealing with a bunch of, dare she say, manchildren with a passion for volleyball.
She opened her socials, scrolling for a while before she saw a post that made her pause.
It was a reel Kiyoko posted, the content of it being her with her boyfriend, Ryûnosuke.
The caption read, Happy 3rd anniversary.
Yachi’s face remained carefully impassive when the reel ended with Kiyoko kissing Ryûnosuke on the cheek.
Her thumb was frozen, forcing her to watch the reel again and again.
Right. She and Kiyoko were just friends.
That’s what both of them (or just Kiyoko) agreed on.
That’s the label that makes it okay, the box they both fit into so no one has to explain anything.
Maybe Kiyoko thought, after so many years, that their childhood confessions and promises were just ‘puppy love’.
But she didn’t know Yachi still meant every word she said.
That Yachi’s younger self was trying to show her how much she loved her in her own childish way.
She and Kiyoko are just friends.
But the I love you Kiyoko says to her when it's late and they're both tired and the walls are down.
That part is real.
It doesn’t come with a body attached.
Kiyoko means it, she never said things she didn’t mean. Just, not in the way Yachi desperately needed.
Yachi’s the one Kiyoko tells things to.
The one Kiyoko calls when she can’t sleep because her brain won’t shut up.
Yachi knows her fears; she knows what Kiyoko’s childhood was like.
Yachi knows the version of them that doesn’t come out at volleyball meetings, the raw one, the one that laughs and cries and says stupid things.
And she’s also the one quietly rotting away in bed, phone dangling in her hand, watching Kiyoko kiss someone else.
Yachi’s face still remains unperturbed, however her body betrays her. Her neck is tight, her jaw is locked, and she can feel it clicking when she tries to relax it.
She knows that Kiyoko’s happy now, with her boyfriend.
Yachi should be happy for her. And don’t get her wrong, she’s trying to be.
Yachi has tried, oh she has tried, to let go of her feelings. But apparently, her heart never gets the memo.
…it should count as self harm to continue to love someone when you know there’s no hope for them reciprocating. Ah, Yachi swears she’ll die from her stupid feelings someday.
It’s always there, this quiet, hollow aching that extends to her bones, and it only grows whenever Kiyoko is near. Especially if Ryûnosuke’s there with her.
Yachi groans, throwing her phone somewhere on the bed. Curse her for being a hopeless romantic, there’s no saving her anymore.
Yachi hates it. Why does her heart still yearn for Kiyoko, despite her already moving on?
…Yachi never really did well in letting things go. Even in childhood, the one time a friendship bracelet given by Kiyoko went missing, she was inconsolable. She cried for two days straight before a kid next door found it lying half hidden in the dirt, and gave it back to her.
Nowadays, she attempts to distance herself from Kiyoko when possible. To preserve the friendship they have left, and to not fuck everything up for all them by accidentally letting slip the three words she was never meant to say to Kiyoko.
Usually, when Ryûnosuke and Kiyoko are together in the same room as her, Yachi excuses herself after a few minutes and leaves the scene. Her go-to excuse is nearly always ‘just tired’.
Kiyoko texts Yachi a little later asking if everything’s okay, every time without fail, and Yachi always just stares at the screen for a bit before she types—
Yeah, just tired.
Kiyoko doesn’t get why Yachi’s weird about it.
Kiyoko doesn’t know she’s the only person in the room for Yachi.
Kiyoko never knows.
Yachi’s the only one who knows what she’s watching, and she’s the only one who knows it's not supposed to hurt this much.
But it does. It hurts in a way that doesn’t have a name.
Yachi hates her inability to let things go.
...Yachi has no name for what she is to Kiyoko.
She's not a partner. She’s not nothing either.
Yachi’s just the person who knows everything except what it feels like to be kissed by Kiyoko.
And she’s always been the one standing across the room trying to look like that’s okay, but it’s not and she doesn't know how to tell Kiyoko without losing what she has.
—
-11th of November, 2021-
“...You may now kiss the bride!”
The crowd applauded and cheered vigorously. Yachi only smiled faintly and clapped along.
After all the joyful screaming had died down, the buffet session commenced.
Out of the corner of her eye, Yachi could see Kiyoko politely dismissing the people trying to congratulate her, pushing her way through the crowd to get to Yachi.
“Hey, Yachi.”
Kiyoko looked absolutely radiant today, the dress she wore only accentuated her looks, making her look like an angel that had drifted down to Earth to bless the mortals with her beauty.
Yachi took a deep breath before fully turning to face Kiyoko, the brightest smile she could muster plastered on her face.
“Hey, Kiyoko!”
Kiyoko smiled. “I just wanted to thank you for being there for me all the way. You’re the best friend I could ever ask for, you know that?”
“Haha, yeah..” Yachi’s smile faltered imperceptibly, just for a second, before it was tugged back on.
Focus, Yachi. Today is Kiyoko’s big day, you can’t ruin it for her just because you’re a girl who’s emotionally constipated over her. Pretend for her, it’s just for a few more hours.
“...you alright?” Kiyoko questions, brows furrowed slightly in concern.
Of course Kiyoko would notice. Damn it, Yachi loves and hates that at the same time.
“...yeah, I just… have a lot on my mind recently.” Yachi murmured. She doesn’t let the facade drop completely, there’s too much at stake for that, but she lets the corners of her lips droop slightly.
It’s technically half true, so she’s not lying.
Kiyoko doesn’t really buy it, but she chooses not to pressure Yachi for now.
“Okay, if you ever need to vent to someone, I’m here, got it?”
“..sure, alright.” Oh sweet, lovely Kiyoko, oblivious to the troubles Yachi goes through daily because of her. There’s no way Yachi could tell something like that to her.
The curve of Kiyoko’s lips soften. “Would a hug help ease your worries?”
The smile on Yachi’s face crumbled into something more genuine, if only a bit.
“Yes. Please.”
In the next moment, Yachi’s face is smooshed against Kiyoko, who had pulled her into a tight embrace.
“I missed you, y’know.” Kiyoko says. “We’ve been meeting less for the past few years.”
Yachi winced internally. That was partially her fault.
“Yeah… Sorry about that.”
“No worries. We can always see each other more now. Catch up on what we missed. I love you, Yachi, and I will always care enough to make an effort to show up for you.”
It takes everything to stop the tears from welling up in Yachi’s eyes. She had learnt to stop crying over this matter some time ago, now was not the time to start again.
Yachi knew Kiyoko didn’t mean it that way. But god, she wished she did.
Yachi knew she probably would love Kiyoko for the rest of her life, even if she didn’t want to. The heartache would never cease, it may dull, it may grow; but never stop completely.
But she could learn to live with it, if only for the girl that didn’t love her back. At least, not in the way Yachi needed her to.
For now, she can just enjoy Kiyoko’s embrace and pretend it meant something more.
“...you probably already know this, but you’re really pretty today.” Yachi mumbled into Kiyoko’s chest.
Yachi felt Kiyoko grin. “That’s all thanks to you, Hitoka-chan. You have quite the eye for fashion.”
Yachi chuckled. “...thanks.”
Yachi could hide her love for the rest of her life. She could hide the truth behind her heart; a truth which was breaking the organ in half and, if she ever let it, which she won't, pour its bloody grief out into her words, soiling them and turning them sorrowful.
Yes, she could do that. All for the love of Kiyoko.
Yachi would congratulate Kiyoko after the hug was over, dutifully ignoring the bloody murder her heart was screaming.
She would smile, laugh and joke as her heart bleeds and dies over and over again.
Because that’s what friends do for each other.