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The hallway sounded so nice at the moment. Even knowing that Natalie would be there, ready to pester him with questions about what he said, he felt himself longing for freedom outside the door of Julie's room.
"It's just... how did you know?" came Julie's tremulous voice. Adrian lifted his hand off the doorknob, admitting defeat to himself. She was crying and... he was only a man, and Natalie would demand he fix whatever he did if he didn't get her to stop crying before he left the room. Adrian held in a sigh as he moved back across the room, able only to block out all the clutter because of his anxiety being focused elsewhere. He retrieved his pressed, give-to-other-people handkerchief from his coat pocket and offered it out.
"Okay, look..." He paused, gathering his thoughts from behind the haze of worry. Julie dabbed at her eyes with his handkerchief- well, hers now- and he sat down on her bed. His voice was quiet, hoping Natalie couldn't hear him be so vulnerable and doing exactly what she wanted him to do.
"I used to wonder the same thing." His head turned as his eyes filled with some fondness, even behind his nerves. "When I met Trudy, I said, 'Now I see. Now I see why I'm here.'" Suddenly his thoughts were racing, filling in with perfect Polaroid shots of Trudy and he on a blanket in the park, sitting on the couch, on the bench at Berkeley, holding hands crossing the quad and then walking down the streets of San Francisco. Unbidden, he thought too of the Captain. He didn't have time in the moment to be worried or perturbed about it, and the feeling of Leland's arm around him, pressing him to his side only added to the affection he felt for Trudy, if he didn't look at it too hard.
"I loved falling in love with her," Trudy laughing at his joke and Leland laughing at him finding a clue. "Every day," Trudy and he in the kitchen making lunch, Leland holding out his jacket so he couldn't see over the edge of a rooftop crime scene. "Every morning," Leland pouring his coffee as they pored over a folder, Adrian's hand falling to the page as Leland leaned his shoulder against him to see better. "I fell in love with her again." Coming back from a world of darkness and seeing Leland's face, a bit blurry but still undoubtedly smiling, happy for him, running a hand back over his hair, patting his shoulder, drawing his hand down Adrian's arm as Adrian held him up as well. The connections and scenes were more insistent now, but he tried not to lose focus. "I think what your mother is trying to say is... don't worry. All your dreams will come true. They don't have to come true this weekend, right?" Leland devastated after Karen, Leland defeated after Linda, Adrian wanting, and not knowing what he was wanting exactly, and letting Leland have his peace alone.
"You can take your time," he said, half to himself and half to Julie. "You can wait-"
"Wait for Trudy," Julie said, smiling now through her tears. Adrian smiled at that too.
"Wait for Trudy! Believe in Trudy! Trudy will come." Leland would always be there for him. He could take his time. But that wasn't relevant, and wasn't something he should think about now.
After pleading with her to stop crying to let him be free, he breathed in the cool air of the hallway, realizing only then that his face had been heating up. There was a lot to think about here, and, truth be told, he didn't know if he wanted to think about it too much.
"Oh, thank you, Mr. Monk," Natalie said, leaning to hug him. His spine straightened and his shoulders hunched on reflex, pulling away slightly.
"Yes, okay, fine," he said, finally freeing himself. He straightened his jacket, despite it not having moved, and pulled at his collar lightly, despite the button holding fast. As he walked down the stairs- twelve- his mind turned the thoughts over and over again, forcing him to view them from every angle.
He knew love. He knew love better than, he imagined, most knew it. He knew what the lack of it felt like, and he knew what drowning in it felt like. As he began straightening up the living area, his eyes falling on dust missed and a pen on the floor that was hiding in a corner, he had to admit. Love felt a lot like this. He knew he loved Leland, but he hadn't realized the nature of it- romantic, unconditional- until he'd confronted it, and Julie, explaining love.
He closed his eyes tight, banishing the world for a moment as he thought.
"Mr. Monk, are you alright?" Natalie asked. He heard her get up from the dining table and close her laptop. He didn't need her digging into this, so he ignored her. He continued squeezing his eyes shut, trying to go back over the case, and back over his weekly grocery list, and back over the comics from the Sunday paper, and back over the book he was reading.
"What happened in there?"
Adrian felt her arm light on his coat and he shook his head firmly.
"Nothing. It was- it was fine. It was... normal. Listen, I need to-- I remembered I may have... Left the oven on."
"You what?" Natalie asked, brow creasing in confusion.
"I left the water running. The oven is on. The sink is filling up, dripping- I have to go."
"Okay, let me tell Julie and grab my keys--"
"No, I'll be fine!"
Adrian closed the door behind him and began banishing the thoughts of the tidying left behind in the Teegers' home. He walked quickly down the street - one lamppost, one tree, two lampposts, one mailbox, two trees, three trees, three steps down - as he organized his thoughts, assembling the ones of Leland - two mailboxes - into a box he could close and tuck in a corner. He had a feeling it wouldn't stay closed - five steps down, three lampposts, four lampposts, red crosswalk sign - but as he hit the crosswalk button with his elbow he felt a determination to try. He knew how hard he made Leland's life. He couldn't add this on top. He would wait.