Return to Sender

Amanda Milton-Ryder (previously Amanda Milton, Alice Marshall, two others) is a woman who found herself, rather than a whole new person, in the basement under Dorley Hall, and so didn’t have a separate personality built on top of its tortures. She carried on but left the hall behind on the day of her graduation, when she left and never looked back.
Four years on, her life on the other side of the world from the Hall gets interrupted after the news of its discovery spreads.

Notes:

The lifted veil here serves more as a background for character exploration, I've long wanted to write a non-believer Dorley girl
RIP morality quarantine

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Collection of correspondence received at Dorley Hall from Mrs. Milton-Ryder

December 25, 2016

From: Alice Marshall
(redacted)
CROYDON

I made you a promise to send postcards on Christmas - and yes, I promised you, not her - and despite everything I am the sort of person who keeps those now, so here you are. Enjoy.

I’m okay.

Merry Christmas.

To: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH

December 27, 2016

From: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH

[RETURN TO SENDER] - delivery declined

To: Alice Marshall
(redacted)
CROYDON

December 25, 2017

From: Alice Marshall
(redacted)
CROYDON

I promised I’d write, not that I’d care about you writing back. Don’t bother from now on, please, it’s about to get more expensive.

I’m fine.

Merry Christmas.

To: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH

January 5, 2018

From: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH

[RETURN TO SENDER] - delivery declined

To: Alice Marshall
(redacted)
CROYDON

January 17, 2018

From: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH

[RETURN TO SENDER] - delivery declined

To: Alice Marshall
(redacted)
CROYDON

March 22, 2018

From: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH

[RETURN TO SENDER] - recipient no longer resides at provided address

To: Alice Marshall
(redacted)
CROYDON

December 25, 2018

From: Amanda Milton
(redacted)
Blacksburg, VA
United States

I’m not reading them, I told you. And all of you can stop trying to add me on social media, too. I didn’t make any promises about that. Including your little spies who pretend to “find me interesting and want to chat” – yes, I could tell, did you forget what I used to do?

A new address, feel free to never write here. Unless you want to waste more money on international delivery.

I’m doing well, other than the above.

Merry Christmas.

To: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH
United Kingdom

February 2, 2019

From: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH
United Kingdom

[RETURN TO SENDER] - delivery declined

To: Amanda Milton
(redacted)
Blacksburg, VA
United States

December 25, 2019

From: Amanda Milton-Ryder
(redacted)
Seattle, WA
United States

I got married this year! It was wonderful. Small reception, but that’s what happens when it’s just the people you care about, right? Makes for another name to add onto the pile. I’m bound to lose track soon, or at least I hope to.

And I moved again. I love it here – the same shit weather as back home but a notch or two less depressing. Or maybe that’s just me. And people don’t get all up in your shit. You lot would hate it, it’s great.

I’m sure you know about all that already, but it’s my choice to tell you. Note the choice not to tell you anything else.

I’m doing great.

Merry Christmas, and happy holidays from Flo.

To: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH
United Kingdom

January 17, 2020

From: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH
United Kingdom

[RETURN TO SENDER] - delivery declined

To: Amanda Milton-Ryder
(redacted)
Seattle, WA
United States

Private messages on the Dorley instance of Consensus

June 11, 2020

Alice

Why is this on my phone?

How is this on my phone?

Jane Shearer

We needed to reach out, and we have a pretty good security expert on staff now, respectively

You’d like her

Everyone seems to

Alice

If she’s on staff, then no I would not.

shit this even still has my old name on it

Alice changed her name to Amanda

Amanda

you know what, no, fuck it actually, this name isn’t for you

Amanda changed her name to Alice

Alice

You’ll be deadnaming me. More fitting.

Jane Shearer

I don’t think that’s what deadnaming is

Alice

Isn’t it, now

Does it not count if it’s on the behalf of the little shop of horrors?

Speaking of which

Why is this on my phone?

Jane Shearer

I told you

Alice

> We needed to reach out

What, you don’t like the Christmas cards anymore? That doesn’t tell me shit about why you’re invading my privacy.

More than usual, I mean

Jane Shearer

The hall has a problem.

Alice

Ah.

That’s an understatement, isn’t it?

Jane Shearer

You heard?

Alice

My wife and I are both openly trans women plugged into the Seattle queer scene, and everyone with sense is stuck indoors.

I may be half the world away but the news fucking spreads, Jane

I woke up yesterday to Flo telling me about, and I quote, “a forcefem dungeon, like straight out of porn I used to read”

Thought she had fucking found out about me and would file for divorce right there

Which, in addition to all the stuff you don’t give a shit about like her being the love of my life, would void my green card and send me back to goddamn Britain

Jane Shearer

I do give a shit about you finding love. Maria told the girls you knew about the wedding, we were all happy for you.

But also

About that last part actually

Alice

Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me

Jane Shearer

I’m not. [message couldn’t be delivered]

June 12, 2020

Maria Lam

We have to talk.

Alice

Oh hey, this thing is back.

FYI, this is coming from your Christmas card effort budget

You can expect the next one in 2027, oh my Maria

Maria Lam

I hoped you’d forgotten about that

…Is that why you chose Alice?

Alice

Took you long enough

Six years? And a half? Not even Alice anymore. But I sing it in the shower

Except this time I actually don’t wanna go, go, go

Maria Lam

Believe it or not, I don’t spend most of my time thinking about the details of the long-ago choices made by a girl I didn’t even sponsor.

I’ve been pretty occupied, which you would know if you opened your mail.

Alice

Your loss, my choices are fascinatingly complex and compelling.

And we both know that’s not happening.

I wonder who’s going to try contacting me next. Abby? Bea herself? Maybe even that chaser sugar mommy of y’all’s?

Maria Lam

How do you know about that?

Alice

Didn’t, only heard rumors. But you just told me

Maria Lam

You need to take this seriously.

Alice

No, you need to take this seriously. It’s your fuckup, it has nothing to do with me. Get that allegedly likeable security expert of yours on it. Destroy my file. Anything that’d get me found out. Preferably, anything that would tie me back to the place. Then forget I was ever there. I’d fucking like to.

I’m not coming back.

Maria Lam

It’s not as simple as that. [message couldn’t be delivered]

Excerpt from Peckinville PMC field recording, June 21 2020 12:31 PDT

“Subject in sight, no others in the house.”

“Go for it.”

“Ten-four, moving in.”

[lock clicking open, heavy footsteps]

“Oh hey, this is familiar!”

[taser darts shot, electricity arcing, body hitting the floor]

Recording from Peckinville safe house, June 21 2020 14:09 PDT

“It’s a pleasure to finally see you again, Amanda.”

“Oh, no further escalation? Shame. Good afternoon to you too, Jane, or whatever it is over there. The pleasure is all yours, I assure you.”

[sigh] “Maria tried to tell you it’s not as simple as you wanted it to be. Now we have no other option. And the higher-ups are pretty busy.”

“I’m sure you-”

[phone buzzing]

“You didn’t take my phone? Amateurs!”

“We knew your wife would get worried otherwise.”

“Well, you know something right, then.” [pause] “Hey girlypop, what’s up? Oh, I’m being held hostage.” [pause, laugh] “Yes, really. Should be back by… six? Love you. See you.” [pause, phone laid on the table] “That should settle her worries. You’re on a timer now.”

“You told her you’re being held hostage, and you think there’s a timer?”

“Gallows humor is kind of my thing these days. The one good thing the old place gave me, other than the estrogen.”

“That would fit right in back here.”

“Please tell me you didn’t snatch me a second time just to insult me.”

“Fine. Then tell me the truth, Amanda.”

“I was kidnapped and mutilated by a forced feminization cult under a women’s dormitory of a mid-tier English university.”

“Hilarious.”

“Bombed at the open mic night, though.”

[sigh] “Does your wife know about Dorley Hall?”

“Who doesn’t at this point? Your lot fucked it up big time.”

“About you at Dorley Hall.”

[long pause] “No. But it’s not for long, I’m guessing.”

“Good. But, at this point… make whatever call you want about that. Focus on what’s best for your relationship and your conscience, not our secrets. Just make sure she won’t spread it around.”

“Well this is unexpected.”

“We’re long past worrying about loved ones finding out one at a time.”

[laugh] “Had a lot of those lately?”

“Yes.”

[whistle] “I’d say I want to know that story, but… no, I don’t, not really. So if my secrecy isn’t a problem, then why was I tased and dragged all the way out to… I wanna say Kent?.. in the back of a van?”

“Because we have a more pressing issue to discuss, and you’ve been stubborn enough to justify drastic measures.”

[mumbled] “Drastic measures…” [chair scraping] “So get on with it already!”

“Have you heard about Stenordale Manor?”

“Yes. A while ago, and just what was on the news though.”

“And about what happened at Dorley before ‘04?”

[long pause, chair settling] “Yes. Maria told me. Not in precise detail, but it was enough… I’m guessing the two are related?”

“You’re guessing right, so I’ll be brief. The kids of one of the old bastards, after crying about their pervert father, are trying to spin it up again. In the States. They have a lot of money in their own name, and more still backing the project. And a lot of guns, too.”

[pause] “The Smyth-Farrows? The ones that called in their ‘crusaders’ to stir the pot last June?”

“The very same, yes. So you see the problem, right? When you asked Maria to destroy your files, we’d already done it. We’ve been doing it for everyone, covering our tracks as much as we could. But our files aren’t the only way someone can find out. Our methods are known now, they can find your fake deadname, connect the dots to your real deadname, then track the deed poll or GRC or the damn Christmas cards, and you’re exposed. Maybe it’ll be public, or maybe only they will know it, which is even worse. Here, we’re dug in, we have the Hall itself and contingencies upon contingencies. And our people have more forces than theirs. We can protect you. In America… you’re not safe.”

“Not safe from what, though? Like, yeah, they’re bastards, but what would they want to do with me?”

“Bad option, leverage on the Hall. Worse option, showpiece or case study for the real shop of horrors.”

“What are they going to do, put me in a basement? Cut my balls off again?”

“They’ll keep you in their basement, and you won’t get to leave that one after a year. Unless you’re sold to some rich asshole looking for a sex slave.”

“But it’s not for certain, right? Weighed against uprooting my whole life…”

“If they know about you, they’ll be coming for Flo, too. Maybe as leverage, maybe as a bonus.”

[long pause] “Shit.”

“Yeah. I know it’s not your fault, but it’s the situation you’re in. Think about it. You don’t have to visit for Bea’s birthday and play nice or anything like that. I won’t even ask you to go to Almsworth, in fact it’s probably for the best not to. But consider coming back to Britain. And don’t flake on us on Consensus, please, so we don’t have to kidnap you again.”

“Yeah, I’ll have to put my life on hold and whip around half the world, but at least there won’t be politeness involved.” [pause] “Okay. This is fucking infuriating, but… okay. I’ll think about it.”

“I need more than ‘okay’, you know how it works.”

“Okay and piss off, how about that?”

[sigh] “If that’s the best I’m getting from you, then you’re free to go. I’ve told our people to drive you back home. Well, around the corner from home, anyway. You’ll still need to be in the back, though, they don’t want you knowing where the safe house is.”

“Of course. You have to keep some secrets, at least.”

Recording from listening device in the Milton-Ryder residence, June 21 2020 16:21 PDT

“Mandy! Were you actually held hostage? You look drained.”

“Kind of.” [pause] “We need to talk. And you’ll need to sit down for it.”

[chuckle] “You’re not cheating on me, are you?”

“No! No no no. Never. And I’m not about to ask you for divorce, either. But… you might want to, after this.”

“Fucking hell, Mandy, what have you gotten yourself into?”

“Well – you remember the news about Dorley Hall?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I, and what does that have to- why are you looking at my desk like that?”

“One sec, then I’ll explain everything.”

[loud stomp, sparking sound, static]

Excerpts from Dorley Hall security recordings

Cell block, September 17 2013

“Have you heard of toxic masculinity, Jensen?”

“Well I’m not exactly a gender studies major, but yes. Societal pressures on men to behave in certain ways, especially from other men self-policing? Ways that are harmful both to themselves and people they project their power onto, that sort of thing?”

“You are in roughly the right area, but I noticed you removing responsibility from that. While there is external pressure, of course, do you not think that those men are, at least in part, responsible for their own descent into it?”

“Well of course, but as a concept-” [sharp inhale] “You mean me, don’t you? Should’ve guessed. Well… no, it’s not like that. I get where you’re coming from, but I’m not a shitty person because I’m a man. I’m shitty because I just am like that.”

[short pause] “I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss it, but I see you understand your behavior was wrong. Why not stop it then?”

[bed creaking] “Do you think I haven’t tried?!” [taser click] “Sorry. Sorry. I didn’t- it’s just that I’m not stupid. I know what I did hurt them.” [sigh, springs creaking] “And, sure, the first few times it felt fun, in a fucked up sort of way, and the next few times I made excuses for myself, but after that… each time I started over, I hoped it wouldn’t happen again. That maybe she’d be the one, or even if not, that we’d move on healthily. But it happened. No, I happened. No removing that responsibility. Every time. Something different, or more of the same, didn’t matter. Lies on top of lies, cascading, and I can’t stop. Or I don’t want to stop, but I can’t want to either. Same thing in the end. Like watching a car crash, except I’m in the driver’s seat but I can’t move a muscle.”

“This sounds like you’ve told it before.”

“I did. To a shrink. Didn’t work, obviously.”

“I’ll… let you think of that for a while.”

Basement bedroom, October 8 2013

“Jensen, may I come in?”

“You don’t need my permission, and we both know that.”

“I don’t, but I’d still like it today, because I want to talk. About the same thing we did on your first day, and this time I’d prefer not to pull out my taser. Can we do that?”

[sigh, pause] “Yeah, okay. Come in, Jane.”

[door opens, closes] “So. What I wanted to ask again is why. Yes, you told me you couldn’t stop it. I’m not asking for a logical explanation. I’m asking what you felt when it happened. You might have told your therapist that, too, but I want to know, even if you think it’s banal.”

“I just couldn’t-”

“I know that. Why not? I’m not saying this accusingly, I’m genuinely asking.”

[quietly] “Because they were better than me.”

[pause] “Better how?”

“Just… better. Feeling better, doing better, being a better person. I… tried to rise to it, to let them help me, at least eventually. But they were just normal, and I wasn’t.” [pause] “And now you think you can fix me. In a very different way than they did, admittedly, but… I don’t know if you can.”

“I know that I’ll try. Thank you, Jensen.”

Basement common room, November 11 2013

“Jane?”

“Yes, Jensen?”

“What’s really in that vitamin jab?”

“Vitamins. Do you have concerns? Any adverse reaction?”

“No… the opposite, actually. Been feeling strangely good the last few days.”

[brief pause] “Well, you did spend a month and a half without sunlight, so making up for it is bound to see some improvement.”

“Yeah. Okay, I guess. Not that I ever got much sunlight in this country, anyway.”

* * *

“Maria – it’s Maria, right? – can I talk to you for a second?”

“It is, yes. What’s going on, Jensen?”

“What’s in the shots?”

“Vitamins, like Jane told you.”

“And then she looked over at you before saying anything else. I take it you’re sort of in charge around here, so I figured I’d get a better, aha, shot.”

“I’m not, but you could, depending. What did you mean by feeling strangely good back there?”

“Like I’m not an overfilled sack of shit bursting at the seams. Which, yeah, I am, point made abundantly clear even if I didn’t know it before, but… this isn’t just the lack of sunlight. I don’t just feel better than since I ended up here, I feel better than I had for, like, a decade.”

“Hm. Let’s talk in your room, shall we?”

“Maria, is this really the best-”

“You can save any feedback for later, Jane.”

* * *

“No. Piss off, no, I don’t believe it.” [laugh] “Sorry, I didn’t mean to… but yeah, I did, actually. Piss off.”

“It’s true.”

“Is that… shit. Okay. Wow. Yeah. Huh.”

“Do you want to get back up to coherent sentences at some point, Jensen?”

“When my brain stops melting. Ever had to rethink most of your life in a new context?”

“Twice.”

“Can you-”

“No.”

“Okay. Fair. I just- wow. I mean, I knew several women like that. Hell, I slept with a couple. And then… well, shit, I did the same to them as to all the others. I’m…”

“Feeling ashamed?”

“Yeah. A lot.”

“Good. You may have found your reason for feeling broken, but it doesn’t excuse your actions before.”

“Yeah, I get it, shit.” [pause] “Wait. Are all the others… like me, then? Just not as quick to get what’s happening?”

[pause] “I’ll get back to you on that. In the meantime, I’d appreciate it if our talk stayed between us. They can figure it out at their own pace.”

“Wait, what do you mean get back to me? Are they or are they not?”

“That’s not something you need to know yet.”

“Well what if I don’t keep our talk secret, then?”

“Then I’ll remind you that we’re still the ones with the tasers.”

[sigh] “Fine. Point taken. Thanks for… well, some of the truth, anyway.”

Basement bedroom, December 8 2013

[soldiers shouting, tasers being fired in the background]

“So… safe to say they’re not all like me, then.”

“They’re not.”

“Well, that’s kind of fucked then, isn’t it? Won’t they be, what’s the word…”

“Dysphoric.”

“Yeah. That. And I’ve lived with it for long enough to know it’s not fun.”

“They’ll adapt.”

“I didn’t. Not well, anyway.”

“We know they will. We don’t take people who can’t.”

“How? How do you know that? Isn’t it your first time trying this… scheme?”

“That was a bit of a lie, too. But you’re ahead of schedule already, so…” [pause] “Last time you had the serious talk, Maria asked you to keep it between the two of you. I’m going to ask you to do the same now. Okay?”

“I understand and agree.”

* * *

“All of you?”

“We’ve all gone through the process. How we went through it differs, but almost all of us were in your place once.”

“And you aren’t trans?”

“Some of the girls think of themselves that way now. Some were probably like you in the first place – there’s a girl in second year who was even more obvious than you about it. But most of us… no. We weren’t dysphoric, we were just shitty boys. Like the ones sitting in their cells right now.”

“And you, what, adapted?”

“Yes.”

“And you think so will they.”

“Most likely. Really, if they couldn’t hack it, they wouldn’t still be here.”

“With your… encouragement?”

“Obviously.”

“Does that encouragement have to involve public shaming sessions?”

“They have to want to change, and this is part of that process.”

“The process to adapt? I don’t understand how it’s supposed to help that.”

“That’s part of the advanced course, and you’re already skipping grades here.”

“Fine, fine. What makes you so sure, then?”

“Because it worked. On the girls upstairs, on most of the sponsors you see here, on a bunch of graduates.”

“Not on ol’ Pete.”

[sigh] “Yeah. Not on him. But it could’ve, had he made better choices.”

“Had I made better choices, I wouldn’t be here.”

“None of us would. But you picked the second best time to start.”

“Surely though there are guys who just… can’t hack it. Not due to choice.”

“There are. We don’t take them.”

“But how do you know?”

“That too is part of the advanced course.”

“Alright, fine. I get it. I think I’d like to be alone now.”

“Okay. But Jensen… is it still Jensen?”

“Haven’t come up with anything better yet.”

“Then, Jensen, I’ll go, but remember our talk is a secret. They’ll hear it when they’re ready.”

“Sure. Yeah.”

“I’ll need more than that.”

[sigh] “I understand and agree, Jane.”

Basement common room, December 10 2013

“Maria.”

“Jensen.”

“Can I get your take on some things?”

“Are you going to run to me whenever Jane doesn’t have sufficiently pleasant answers?”

“Ah, I take it you know about the thing then.”

“Of course. We talk, and we have cameras. So, is that it?”

“I mean. Sort of. It’s not about being pleasant, it’s that they weren’t exactly answers at all.”

“And what makes you think I’ll give you better ones?”

“Because she’s clearly sticking to some protocol and you might be the person who wrote it, so I could convince you. If not, then, well, I tried.”

“And how do you want to convince me?”

“By finally using my charms and quick wit for a goo- well, a morally neutral cause.”

[laugh] “Alright then, you made a good start. But maybe work on that a little more.”

Basement common room, December 22 2013

“Maria.”

“Jensen.”

“Well, not anymore actually.”

“Taking the plunge, then?”

“I’ve taken the plunge a while ago, now I’m just looking for an appropriately dramatic way to announce it.”

“Ah. Naturally.”

“But until then. I have a theory and I need to know if it’s true. Yes or no is fine.”

“Is ‘no comment’ an option?”

“Well, you’re the ones with the tasers, so yes, but where’s the fun in that?”

[laugh] “Get it out then.”

“You’re not like the other sponsors.”

“Yes. Is that it?”

“No, but you’ve told me enough already, I think.”

“So what did I tell you?”

“That you weren’t at Dorley. Jane mentioned almost everyone here being in her-slash-my place once, and that included almost all of the sponsors. Now, I know the thing about asking the lady her age, and don’t get me wrong because this isn’t a bad thing, but it’s noticeable. And against the rest of you the numbers do work out. And now your last answer, it could mean pretty much anything, but I’m guessing it’s something along those lines.”

[pause] “No.”

“Well then.”

“I was at Dorley… but it was very different back then. And not in a way that’s pleasant to think about.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“You had no reason to know. Maybe I’ll tell you sometime, but… not now.”

“I understand. Thank you.”

“Well, congratulations on cracking my secret. Want to share yours now?”

“Not yet. But soon.”

Basement common room, December 25 2013

“What’s going on?”

“Somebody dragged a guitar down here, Jane, and now somebody else is using it for her voice training in the most annoying way possible.”

“We’re supposed to reward good behavior, aren’t we - wait, voice training? And her? Like openly?”

* * *

“And singing never fed the world, but singing never felt so good. Oh my Ma-”

“Okay, okay, that’s enough of that. I thought you had an announcement to make?”

“Well now you’ve ruined it, but fine. First one is – Merry Christmas, the song counts as a present on account of lack of suitable alternatives for basement-related reasons.”

“Consider it appreciated. And the second?”

“Alice!”

“Who’s Alice?”

“Me’s Alice. There was this liquid and now I’m shrinking all over, so it’s rather appropriate.”

“Is that really why?”

“No, but after solving your secrets I figured I’d give you a go. I left all the clues.”

“Well. Either way, congratulations on not being ‘hey, you’ anymore. Less than a week is pretty fast.”

“I strive for growth.”

“Except when you’re shrinking.”

“I strive, Jane.”

Basement dining room, January 15 2014

“What’s got you all silent today?”

“They’re changing, Jane.”

“Adapting. Yes.”

“No. I’m adapting. Making the best out of the shitty situation. Using its good parts to my advantage. Navigating the social dynamics. Oh, hey, sounds a lot like someone I knew.”

“But you’re doing it in a healthy way.”

“Yes, yes, I’m filled with estradiol instead of angst now, it’s a big upgrade. But I’m me. They… aren’t.”

“How do you know that?”

“I have eyes, don’t I? They rioted just over a month ago. There were soldiers.”

“People can appear to change pretty quickly when they shed their bullshit. You did that in, what, two weeks after we started the shots?”

“I thought they weren’t like me.”

“They didn’t adjust like you, but they adjusted.”

“By disappearing into themselves, one by one, before coming back different.”

“Kind of like what you’re doing now?”

“No. I’m… I’m talking to you, I’ve been reaching out. Probing, mostly, but I didn’t disappear. And I want what you’re giving me. Not how you’re giving it, but I’ll take what I can get.”

“So you can take what you can get, but not them?”

“Who’s going to be the them on the other side of this?”

“Newly minted women with a healthy outlook on life. Kind of our specialty.”

“Healthy as you decree it.”

“Who else?”

“I’m gonna go back to being silent now.”

Basement common room, February 12 2014

“Can we talk about the orchi?”

“I suppose, though I thought you’d know what to expect by now.”

“I do. Which is why I don’t want it.”

“You… might be the last person in the intake I thought would say that.”

“And yet here we are.”

“If you’re scared about going under, that’s perfectly reasonable, but…”

“I’m not. I’ve signed up for FFS already. Had to talk her down from a full remodeling to a few lighter touches, but I’m fine with surgery. Just not this surgery.”

“I’m afraid it’s not negotiable.”

“Why?”

“It’s important as a definite point of no return.”

“What return? Jane, I’m not going back to living as a man. And not because of anything you’ve done, other than showing an alternative. This is me. I can be a woman on blockers. Plenty of us are, and are happy with it.”

“Plenty aren’t, too.”

“Well, they got the choice.”

“And you don’t. You’ve earned some privileges for good behavior, but you’re still here. And you know why – you weren’t just living as any man, were you?”

“Yeah, I was a shithead and now I’m… well, I’m working on it. But it’s not because I haven’t had the evil parts taken out.” [pause] “Is that how you still see me? Because I do, sometimes, and it fucking disgusts me. There’s nothing there worth returning to, even if I suddenly thought I wanted to be a man. I wouldn’t want to be him, even if I did. And I don’t.”

“No, I see you as who you are now, who you’re trying to be, and she’s great, if occasionally a tad annoying.”

“Who I am now still has all her parts in place.”

“And we’d want her to stay the course, wouldn’t we?”

“Fuck’s sake, it’s like running in circles with you.”

“Okay then. What about the rest of your intake then? Would that be fair, to do it to them but not you?”

“Well maybe they shouldn’t be forced to either! If they adapt as well as you claim, which they actually might be somehow, surely that doesn’t depend on a couple ounces of tissue.”

[sigh] “I’ll bring it up. But don’t bet on it.”

“Please do.”

Basement bedroom, March 3 2014

“Alice, would you come out of your room? It’s time.”

“Well. It was worth a go.”

Basement bedroom, March 7 2014

“How are you feeling, Alice?”

“Great! The torture basement was getting a little too comfortable. I was starting to forget how much of a fuckup I was.”

“Is that what had been bothering you?”

“Yes? Duh? Like, yeah, there was the whole violation of bodily integrity, not like that’s anything new down here, but… I actually thought I’d changed. Not my body, I mean, though obviously, but that I wasn’t the same sort of person anymore. But you wouldn’t do this unless you thought I was bound to fall right back down on the old bullshit without it. And if you’re right, then I’m still the same miserable, angry bag of shit I was when you picked me up.”

“Alice…”

“Don’t. You don’t use this name for that person.”

“What should I call you then?”

“Nothing. I have my name, it’s just that you don’t get to use it.”

“Okay. Fine. Are you taking proper care of the stitches?”

“I’m a terrible person, but I’m not stupid.”

“Alright. Then you’re smart enough to know you need more food in you, so I’ll ask you to come out for lunch later.”

“Mm-hm.”

Basement bedroom, May 19 2014

“Are you ready to move up?”

“How should I know? You’re the one who’s got all the protocols. The whole system in place for building up new people out of the old ones’ ruins.”

“That’s not what we do.”

“Yes it is. If they were still the same people inside, you wouldn’t have this problem with me. Because I am and none of you know what the fuck to do about it.”

“Because they adapted and you didn’t! Kate only actualized five weeks ago and she’s already on the first floor.”

“How is that different from what I said, exactly? Adapted, rebuilt.”

“Whatever you want to call it, it obviously works.”

“Know what else worked? Scientology. Jonestown. All of my goddamn relationships.”

“Alice.”

“Don’t- oh whatever, fine, call me whatever you want.”

“Alice. I’m not asking you if you’ve bought into our mission. I’m asking if you’re ready to move up.”

“Which is?”

“Are you a violence or flight risk?”

[sigh] “No. I’m still not stupid, I know it wouldn’t work. But I won’t be pleasant.”

“That I can work with.”

First floor bedroom, August 2 2014

“What’s up, Alice?”

“Feel like shit. Face still hurts. Been thinking a lot.”

“About what?”

“None of your business.”

“Come on, work with me.”

“I’ve had enough work done for the next few months or so.”

“Fine. Rest up.”

First floor bedroom, November 29 2014

“Excellently done once again, Alice. You are moving along quite nicely, for someone supposedly so against the program.”

“Moving along is exactly what I intend to do, Aunt Bea.”

“And still the clever one by half. But I have to admit, I did hope that enjoying the benefits would soften you up to us.”

“The devil’s deals are always sweet, are they not?”

“One could consider taking advantage of those rather selfish, then, if you don’t intend to give back.”

“Forgive me a little selfishness, I have had a rough time for the last year or so.”

“Alice, is this really the best-”

“No, no, it’s fine, Jane. I think I like this one.”

* * *

“What the hell was that?”

“What the hell was that? The torturer-in-chief likes me! God, I can’t fucking help it, is that it? I can’t help but exploit every crack. Even when I’m not-”

“Alice!”

“What?”

“Breathe. And then tell me what got you so riled up.”

“I’m… I’m the same person. I feel better now, but I am the same. I still use the same tricks to get people to like me, I just stopped sabotaging myself out of… whatever it was before here.”

“Alice. Alice.” [chuckle] “There’s nothing wrong with being likeable. And you are, that’s just it. It wouldn’t work if you were trying to manipulate us, we’ve seen enough of it over the years. But whatever you think it is, it’s not sinister unless you use it to hurt people.”

“Fine. Okay. But I am.”

“Who did that hurt?”

“You want the full list, or should I just point down?”

[groan] “Would this place be any better if Aunt Bea hated you?”

[sigh] “No, not particularly. Would be easier, though.”

“Easy is exactly how you got here.”

“No? That’s- is that still why you think I’ve done it? It would be very easy to not be a fuckup, but I just was. It’s like you still don’t know me.”

“Well, you haven’t exactly been open with me.”

“I did say I wouldn’t be pleasant.”

First floor bedroom, December 26 2014

“Merry late Christmas, Alice, anything new?”

“Merry Christmas, Jane. Yes.”

“And it is…”

“None of your business.”

“Of course.”

“You set me up for that one.”

Sponsor meeting, January 12 2015

“You have the floor, Jane.”

“Alice has been hitting most feminine development goals and exceeding in many. Some parts she’d been initially reticent to, but I managed to convince her. The appeal to being ready for anything worked better than one for a ‘catch-up’ on female socialization.”

“That has been a bright spot, yes. But I understand there’s no progress on warming her up to the program?”

[sigh] “No. She’s still actively resisting any integration.”

“You know, this usually gets easier after the first year.”

“We don’t usually have anyone get elated for the injections.”

“Well, other than last year.”

“And she’s ready to hit the ground running too.”

“Suppose it’s just something we’ll have to deal with?”

“Not unless we plan to bring in secret girls on purpose.”

“Getting back to the point. The minimum goal is to make sure Alice won’t be an issue. But if we can manage better than that, her skills and personality could be very useful. Jane, try to be a little more insisting, you’ve let her just wave you off too much. But don’t overdo it.”

“Alright. I’ll try.”

First floor common room, January 15 2015

“How are you feeling, Alice?”

“Stellar.”

“Really now?”

“Really.”

“And why would that be?”

“None of your-”

“Yes it’s my business. My job isn’t just to make sure you hit your ‘girl goals’ – but good job on that anyway – it’s to support you and understand you as a person. I thought I did in the first year, but apparently not.”

“I thought you did too.”

“So can I try again? By talking to you?”

“Fine. Whatever, I guess.” [deep breath] “Way back then, at the disclosure, you brought up a girl in second year. Who was like me but more obvious, supposedly. Well, guess what, she plans to piss off as soon as she can and not bother connecting to anyone here. The best part is, I didn’t hear it from her, I heard from her sponsor, on account of her already not bothering to connect to anyone here. So, I found my path in life. The light at the end of the basement.”

“You’re not in the basement.”

“So can I leave?”

“No.”

“Doesn’t change much then, does it?”

[sigh] “So you’ve fallen out with us because of the fear – or disgust – at your fellow intakes changing…”

“And the mutilation, don’t forget that-”

“…your fellow intakes changing, and now you don’t want to even talk to any of them?”

“Yes? I didn’t like them when they were the same pieces of shit as me, give or take a few beatings and a spoonful of self-hatred, and I don’t like whatever you’ve put into them instead of it now. But you don’t have to like someone not to want them erased.”

“Maybe if you did open up, you’d see they weren’t after all?”

“Like they’d give a shit, anyway. Paired up already, all according to plan, isn’t it?”

“At least try, see the people that they are. But, even that aside, there is a missing part of your comparison.”

“Which is?”

“Melissa does talk to Abby. Kind of a lot.”

“Her only flaw.”

“So…”

“God. Fine. I’ll bounce some thoughts off of you. Like one of those squeaky ducks the programmers use.”

First floor bedroom, January 20 2015

“Varying your wardrobe too, I see, this is an exciting development.”

“I just thought, why not try something else.”

“It suits you. Now for your face – professionally handled, but I’d say a brighter expression would befit it better.”

“I hope the extent of your advice to new women isn’t telling them to smile more, Aunt Bea.”

“No. Just you.”

“How fitting. I’ll take it into consideration.”

* * *

“Well, she doesn’t seem to like me as much anymore.”

“She might have remembered you’re in your second year and not your third, after all.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re expected to function outside by next year, so an independent streak is welcomed. At this point, though, just get on with the program.”

“Ah. Second year gets windows, third gets their own emotions. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Kitchen, January 25 2015

“Any thoughts to bounce off?”

“Please! Women don’t have thoughts until they’re on the second floor. Just cooking and cleaning for us, thank you very much.”

“You don’t have to be like that.”

“I don’t get to be like that, so excuse me for taking an opportunity.”

“Alright then. You need any help with those dishes?”

“No. It’s actually kind of relaxing, and no one talks to me.”

“Okay, hint taken.”

Kitchen, January 27 2015

“Fucking bullshit. I actually did my chores unlike certain people, I can function as a person, what do I have to…”

[loud crash, running footsteps]

“Martina! Martina, just breathe. Try not to throw up all over yourself. You’ll be fine, it’s just a sprain! Cooking in heels, fuck’s sake, whose idea… Kate! Don’t just stand there, hold her foot up! And somebody get the damn sponsors!”

First floor bedroom, February 5 2015

“Alice.”

“Yes?”

“I’d like to bounce some thoughts off of you this time.”

“Quack.”

“You’re not the same person you were. I’ve stayed out of your way when I could, but I’ve been watching. You remember what happened before here, right?”

“Too well.”

“You said you cared about those women, but you used them and hurt them anyway.”

“Yeah. Thanks for the reminder.”

“I wasn’t finished. Now you say you don’t care about any of them, but whether or not it’s true, you help. Small things, like Kate and her eyeshadow, big things, like the kitchen mess last week. Above and beyond what’s demanded of you. With no reciprocation, no ulterior motive. You helped anyway. And that to me is a great sign.”

“No thanks to you.”

“Alice. I hope that’s true, because it’d mean you won’t need us to stay a good person when you graduate. And that’s what we really want anyway.”

“I- fuck. Thanks, Jane.”

“Any time.”

Kitchen, February 13 2015

“Ready for your first outing?”

“I’m ready to leave, Jane.”

“Well, no you’re not, at least until I see how you handle this. So shall we go?”

“Yes, I’m ready to face the world after the basement. I’ve been strategically shining a lamp in my eyes all week.”

“You won’t need it for a February in England.”

“You told me I’d need to be ready for anything. Maybe someone’s going to nuke London.”

“Then it’s a good thing we have a bunker, isn’t it?”

[pause, laugh] “Okay. That was a good one.”

* * *

“Well, that was… nice.”

“Even the part when that guy-”

“Especially the part where you were about to wreck that guy’s shit until he backed off. I mean I probably could’ve handled him, but…”

“It’s what we do.”

“Any chance that can be all you do?”

“We’ll have to wait and see.”

First floor bedroom, February 20 2015

“Here’s a thought.”

“I’m all ears.”

“It’s about last week. I’ve been thinking about it, kind of a lot. So, yeah, you helped me out a lot back there, and I’m grateful. And for the whole thing, with, like, the free estrogen and FFS and whatnot. But I’ve been reading up on this stuff… well, ever since I got the internet, really, since I’m planning to go open, and, Jane. Shit’s fucked out there.

“With all the resources you’ve got, is trapping a single-digit number of misogynist dipshits in the basement every year the best you can do? There’s girls who’d kill for the kind of care you’re giving. Hell, some did, signing up to PMCs and such to afford private care. And that’s on top of the fact that you wouldn’t have to beat them into accepting it.”

“You’re not the first to raise that concern. We have our reasons, which I’ll get back to you with if I’m allowed to share, but for now I’ll tell you this. You didn’t know what your problem was before you got here, right?”

“Yeah, obviously.”

“So we wouldn’t have gotten you.”

“Don’t you all say you have a crystal ball about who can hack it and who can’t? Wouldn’t that be the same?”

[chuckle] “We have a very specifically calibrated crystal ball.”

“So you wouldn’t get one girl who was also a menace. I’d take that trade.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“That’s very nice of you, Jane, but it’s also goddamn stupid.”

Sponsor meeting, February 23 2015

“I’m sorry, I’d like to treat it as progress, seeing as I’m in charge of it, but I don’t understand it. She keeps criticising every aspect of the program that we talk about, even considering the personal benefit to herself. And, frankly, I’m coming around to some of her points.”

“Alice may disagree on particular aspects, but she wouldn’t talk about it if she didn’t care. Proposing changes means she’s invested. And while we wouldn’t change the program simply because she wants us to, if you are coming around to it, then perhaps some of us may too.”

“Well, with that in mind then, how do I handle it next?”

“Keep pushing, but gently. You have a rapport with her, use it well.”

First floor bedroom, March 4 2015

“How was going out without me?”

“If that counts as without you, I wonder what other little technicalities you’ve got in store. Do we even get to actually leave?”

“Okay, fine, not really ‘without’ me, but you’ve been handling the interactions all on your own. How was that?”

“Fine, I guess. Not perfect or anything but… fine. Didn’t have any harmful urges. Well, I really wanted to deck that guy in the coffee shop, but you can’t say he didn’t deserve it.”

“He deserves more than that, if you ask me.”

“What does that- oh. Uh, I guess? You do you?”

“I’m joking, Alice. But you handled yourself well. It’s a good sign for your progress.”

“Good. Good.”

“Any more thoughts in the meantime?”

“No.”

“What, really?”

“None that I want to share right now, then.”

“You can tell me, you know that.”

“I’m still workshopping it.”

Kitchen, March 20 2015

“Nice fit, the skirt really suits you. I’d tell you sooner but, well, there was the whole ‘staying a hundred feet behind’ thing.”

“Yes. Thanks for abiding by it. And for the credit card.”

“Any time. Thanks for helping out Martina with her anxiety.”

“Uh huh. She seems to trust me a lot, might have something to do with me being the reason she didn’t need a week in the hospital.”

“It wasn’t that bad, but… yes. And then you helped her again instead of asking for anything in return. Even though you could have. She wouldn’t decline, I know that much.”

“Didn’t feel right.”

“So we know what she thinks of you – and it’s pretty similar for the rest of us. What do you think of her? Still the same as a year ago?”

“I… well, shit, I don’t know anymore. She’s better, I guess. Didn’t need to be tased after trying to punch me.” [dry laugh] “And apologised for it.”

“That’s what we aim to do.”

“I believe it. That it’s what you think you’re doing, anyway. I’m still not sure if it’s… worth it.”

“Well, there’s a way to figure it out, if you’d like to. I’ll check in above and let you know.”

“Sure, yeah, I’ll… I’ll hear it out.”

Kitchen, March 24 2015

“Update for you, Alice.”

“Hm?”

“Pour a mug for me too, if you don’t mind?”

“Sure.”

“We’ve talked about your concerns, and there’s a way to move forward with them. You’ll hear us out, we’ll hear you out, maybe someone will change their mind. And we’ll start with a full explanation. You’ve had the truth since your first December, but you’ll have the whole truth now. No more secrets.”

“Is that a whole thing just for me, or..?”

“No. I’ll give you some talks but we’ll start with a sponsor meeting.”

“Oh? Am I gonna have to listen to tales of my own progress?”

“Not one of those, we’ll have a higher-level one. And maybe something about the upcoming year.”

“The fresh crop of victims?”

[sigh] “Yes, if you want to put it that way.”

“And you hope that’ll change my mind.”

“Truthfully, yes, I do. You have a talent, and you want to help. We want to help, and we could use some talent.”

“And by talent, you mean…”

“Your charisma, your skill with people, whatever you want to call it.”

“My manipulation.” [ceramic breaks] “No. No! I can’t. I…”

“It’s not manipulation if you-”

“If I do it for you? You… you didn’t want me to stop at all? All the helping, all the better person shit, all the change? I believed it. I grew, I stopped with all the bullshit, and now you… you want me to go right back to it.”

“That’s not what I want.”

“Yes it is, Jane, yes it is. Lying is your job. Lying so your charge likes you. So that they trust you. So they’re calmer going into their whole personhood being uprooted. You remember why I’m here, right? It was all the lying! The exact same shit! So you didn’t want me to stop, you wanted me to do it for you.”

“I wanted you to become better.”

“Then job well done. Because I am better. Better than you. But if I join you, then I won’t be.”

“Alice, please, just hear me out.”

“No. I need to go.”

“Alice.”

“Let me fucking go!” [door rattles] “I need a walk. To get away from this place.”

“And then what?”

“And then fucking nothing! Jane. Please.”

“I’m not authorised to-”

“I am.” [lock cycles] “Don’t do anything stupid and come back before nine.”

“God. Fuck. Thank you, Maria.”

* * *

“I fucked it up, didn’t I?”

“You could’ve handled it better, but if that’s how she sees this, it was a hopeless cause from the start. She would never sign up.”

“Well, shit.” [pause] “She won’t expose us, will she?”

“I don’t think she would, but we have eyes on her just in case.”

“God. Thanks.”

“Take the evening off. You’ve had a hard time, and I think it’s best for Alice not to see you when she comes back.”

“If.”

[chuckle] “When. All her stuff is here.”

* * *

“You’re late.”

“By like three minutes. I bummed a smoke. Spare me.”

“Okay. How do you feel?”

“Like shit. Again. Except this time I can’t even blame it on the testosterone.”

“Blame it on us, then.”

“That’s the plan.” [pause] “Why are you here?”

“So that someone can let you in through the doors. But there’s something else. I take it you won’t be joining the sponsor meetings, but I figured I could give you more of the truth anyway.”

“Because, what, you’ll think it’s going to convince me?”

“No. Because you deserve it. But I’ll warn you, it won’t be easy to hear.”

“I’ve heard a lot of uneasy things recently.”

“Okay. Remember when you said I was different, and thought I wasn’t from Dorley?”

* * *

“Here.”

“Yes. Held in the basement, brought up for ‘guests’.”

“Well, shit. Who else was there?”

“From those you know, just me, Bea, and Barbara, our nurse.”

“So that was… well, fucked up doesn’t even begin to cover it, but… is your point that this place is better now? Because, yeah, I suppose, but that’s a hell of a low bar.”

“If there is a point, it’s that you need someone to have by your side. I wouldn’t have survived if I was alone. It’s not as bad out there as it was down here, few things are, but the need remains.”

“And you’ll suggest that someone to be one of you.”

“It doesn’t have to be. That is something we give our girls, if they decide to take it. You don’t have to. But you need someone. As for us, I’d like you to keep in touch, but that’s your decision to make.”

“I’ll send postcards for Christmas, how about that?”

“Sounds great.”

First floor common room, April 11 2015

“Any thoughts?”

“Yes.”

“Want to share?”

“No.”

“I need to know what’s going on.”

“You need to fuck off, Jane.”

“I’m still your sponsor, you know.”

“What’ll it be then? Locked doors? Taser? Cell? Go ahead. Show me what you really are. What you wanted me to be.”

[sigh] “I’ll leave you to it.”

* * *

“So, what, you’re worried because she thinks she’s better than you?”

“I’m worried because she might be right.”

First floor bedroom, May 4 2015

[knock] “Alice?”

“I’m not here, Martina.”

“Please.”

“Sort your own shit out! Or ask your handler, it’s what they’re paid to do.”

“I don’t need to sort anything out, I- I thought you could use a friend.”

“I could. Fuck me, I could. One who’s never seen a god damn basement.”

First floor bedroom, May 12 2015

[knocking]

“Piss off!”

[door opens] “Wanna go out?”

“Will I have to come back?”

“Yes, for now.”

“Then… well, yeah, I still do. As long as you make that two hundred feet behind.”

“I’ll do you one better, I won’t come with at all.”

“What, just like that?”

“Well, no, we’ll still have an eye on you. But it won’t be me and they won’t be interfering.”

“I’ll take it.”

First floor common room, June 21 2015

“You don’t talk to Jane at all?”

“There’s nothing more to say. We all know what the deal here is, and I didn’t sign up. I suggest you do the same.”

“Okay, I get that you have your whole thing, but… they helped me, you understand that, right?”

“So did I, Martina, remember? You wanna go kidnap some poor fucker on my behalf now?”

“That’s not- I was a terrible person.”

“Are you still?”

“No… well, I like to think not, anyway.”

“Would a good person do the things they did to us?”

“I mean, we- I deserved it.”

“Nobody deserves that. And it wasn’t what I asked.”

[sigh] “No. No, I don’t think they would.”

“Not planning on staying, then?”

“Staying, probably. Signing up… we’ll see.”

“Well, that’s something. Let’s get back to the dishes then, shall we?”

First floor bedroom, August 9 2015

“How are you, Alice?”

“Wonderful, Aunt Bea.”

“You don’t look it.”

“Must be the lighting. Or the air. Should try some place else for comparison.”

“We are lacking those at the moment.”

“Shame, but I guess it’s for the best that you don’t do franchises.”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“I have a lot of things to say, most of them unsuitable for polite company. But I’d rather move on through the formalities.”

“As you wish. Let me see your makeup.”

Second floor common room, September 13 2015

“What’s this?”

“The mug I dropped. Went to a print shop to replace it. One of the less incriminating ones, thankfully for you.”

“I thought you didn’t like them?”

“I don’t, but I fix the shit I break.”

“Doesn’t explain the other one.”

“That’s so that you can pretend to miss me when I leave.”

“Hm, well.” [pause, clinking ceramic] “‘Just because your Aunt says so, that doesn’t make it right, you know.’ Not sure I get the reference.”

“Ask Maria.”

“Of course. Anything else on your mind?”

“No.”

Sponsor meeting, November 27 2015

“Objectively, what is stopping us from graduating her?”

“For one, there’s the whole document suite, and-”

“What’s stopping us from starting that process? She’s fully actualized, she exceeded all feminine development goals, she can function well on her own outside.”

“She hasn’t achieved the socialization goals, that much is clear.”

“Have you heard her talk? She’s socializing, alright.”

“Could use a little less coarse language… but yes. You know it’s not what I mean, though.”

“If that’s what you mean, then our options are to wash out a third year or to keep her in forever, because it is not happening.”

“Well, when you put it like that…”

“Are you actually considering this? She’s a fully formed woman and is…” [sharp breath] “is a better person than many here. Flying colors as far as the stated goals for the program are concerned. If she liked us we’d have graduated her months ago already.”

“Well, therein lies the problem.”

“Don’t tell me we’re actually a cult. Would put a real damper on my new life.”

“No. We don’t need her to join us. We don’t even need her to like us, as you said. But we do need to make sure she won’t bring everything crashing down around us. Normally, personal connections help with that, but she has avoided making any.”

“Okay, I understand. I’ll get on it.”

* * *

“Alice?”

“Piss off.”

“No.”

“Please piss off?”

“It’s important.”

“I can go?”

“Well, not yet, but that’s why I’m here, actually. It’s about your graduation.”

[pause] “Oh. Good.”

“So. You’ve pretty much completed the program. Whatever ‘feminine development’ you have yet to figure out, you can handle on your own from here.”

“Have been for a while already, thanks for noticing.”

“That too. As for becoming better, well, we’ve had that talk already, no need to repeat it.”

“Are you sure? I could use a few more pointers on morality from the torture dungeon crew.”

“Alice.”

“Yes?”

“This is exactly the issue. The one thing standing in the way.”

“That I won’t join you?”

“That you’re a danger. To the hall, and not just to us, directly involved. You understand that if this gets out, it won’t stop at the leaders and sponsors? Everyone who went through will be in trouble. Even if they left and never looked back again.”

“Don’t you have ‘your people’ to prevent something like that?”

“It can get out quicker than we can stop it. And, well, I’d prefer if nothing happened to you.”

“Right, of course. How benevolent.” [sigh] “I… no. I’m not going to do anything. I’d really fucking prefer it if you stopped, but it’s pointless. I’m not stupid, I know the consequences, for myself and for everyone else.”

“So you’ll-”

“Leave and never look back again too. I don’t even want to think about this place.”

“Okay. It’ll do.”

Second floor bedroom, December 25 2015

[knocking]

“Not interested, Jane!”

“Jane’s taken a break. Can I come in?”

“Can I stop you?”

[laugh, door opening] “Merry Christmas, Alice.” [pause] “Well, this is fitting. Remember, it was on Christmas two years ago that you first announced it? Sorry for spoiling your dramatic reveal back then, by the way.”

“What did you actually want?”

“To give you a present.”

“An envelope?”

“The envelope. Welcome to official existence, Ms. Alice Marshall.”

“Wh- oh. Oh shit, okay. So I can… go?”

“Yes. As long as you remember not to do anything stupid. We will keep an eye on you, I hope you understand.”

“Is it for everyone or am I that special?”

“More or less, but you’ll be watched closer than most others. For reasons you should know.”

“Of course. I’m a danger.”

[chuckle] “Something like that. Anyway. The card in here is already loaded with your starting stipend, the first month of hormones is in your farewell bag, and we’ll send the next ones to your residence when you list it.”

“If I list it.”

“I suggest you do. But I’ll know your address eventually.”

“Because of your surveillance?”

“Because you promised to send Christmas cards.”

Messages on the Dorley instance of Consensus

June 22, 2020

Private message

Jane Shearer

Welcome back.

Alice

Not for long, hopefully

Flo wants in on here, to figure out what the shit is going on

And to fly over with me

Jane Shearer

The flight isn’t a problem, but I thought you explained everything?

Alice

I did

She said it could make more sense

I said I doubted that very much

Jane Shearer

I’ll see what we can do

You know we’ve had a similar situation kinda recently

Alice

Spare me the relatable bullshit okay

What do I need to do not to worry about this anymore

Jane Shearer

Well, fly over to England, first thing

We’ll have tickets and a place set up for you two.

June 29th

Alice

Well I sure fucking hope I’m not paying for it

Where?

Jane Shearer

Croydon, home sweet home

Alice

Better than the alternative.

Send me the details

Jane Shearer

Wouldn’t we be still paying for it, with the stipend and all

Alice

Might want to check that again.

I haven’t touched that thing since packing up for america

Jane Shearer

huh

So you haven’t

Well, feel free to now, since we’re dragging you into our business

Alice

That is very much the plan

June 25, 2020

Private message

Alice

Florence

Sorry who are you

Alice

Your wife, silly

Florence

Uh okay

why are you Alice then

Also you know I’m in the next room right

Alice

It’s what I was over there

Kinda wanted to leave it behind

And yeah I do, but now you know where I am here

Florence

Gotcha. Thanks babe

Let me just

Florence has changed her name to Flo Milton-Ryder

Flo Milton-Ryder

Have to represent you know

Alice

Love that for you

Have fun

And don’t fall for their bullshit

Welcome channel

Flo Milton-Ryder

uh hi everyone

I’m new

I know this isn’t the best time for you all but hope it’s cool

Mia Namepending

What do you mean new

Was there a secret first year nobody told us about?

And she has two surnames already

Flo Milton-Ryder

I’m not a…

Dorley girl?

But I got an invite

I’m Amanda’s wife

Mia Namepending

Who

Flo Milton-Ryder

Uh I mean Alice’s I guess

Mia Namepending

Who

Jane Shearer

Girl class of ‘13

You haven’t heard about her. That is deliberate

Flo Milton-Ryder

She wanted to be left alone

Wasn’t exactly keen on this place

I’m not sure I am either but I want to know more

Mia Namepending

So y’all are unleashing everyone’s partners on us now?

Jane Shearer

We want Flo to be, if not on our side, then at least understanding

Mia Namepending

Oh well we’ve got procedure for that now don’t we

we can do what worked the last time

Bella

don’t

Mia Namepending

You want a pussy, Flo?

Mia Namepending has been timed out [15 minutes]

Bella

Sorry about that, some of us get too excited with new people

Flo Milton-Ryder

I’ll pass

And uh

I think that’s enough for me rn

June 27, 2020

Private message

Lorna Fielding

hey

Flo Milton-Ryder

Sorry, do I know you

Wait I do know you

Not personally but I’ve seen something from last year. Had a nice speech

Lorna Fielding

Oh, well, that makes it easier

And same to you by the way

Flo Milton-Ryder

Dorley girl then?

Lorna Fielding

Would have an easier life if so

Well, arguably harder year and a bit and easier from there

Flo Milton-Ryder

Do you really believe that

Lorna Fielding

I do. Easier doesn’t mean better, mind you

Flo Milton-Ryder

Fair enough

Why are you on here then

And what do I have to do with it

Lorna Fielding

The answer to both of those is that I’m you from seven months ago

Not in sci-fi way I’m just saying I’ve been there

My girlfriend turned out to have been at the place and it became a whole thing

Flo Milton-Ryder

I bet

So you, what, wanna convince me it’s not weird?

Lorna Fielding

Oh it’s weird alright, just

I’m guessing you have the same outlook as your wife on this

So what I’m saying is give it a chance?

They helped me out a lot and I wasn’t even one of them

Well, other than the way we both are kinda like them

Flo Milton-Ryder

How did they help?

Lorna Fielding

With a lot of my transition needs

That pussy comment the other day was kind of my fault iykwim

But even before I knew anything, Vicky had been swiping hormones

Flo Milton-Ryder

So let me get that straight

They’re giving it all to people who don’t want it

But a trans girl, that they know about, has to get hers illicitly

More illicitly anyway

And that’s a good thing?

Lorna Fielding

Well, not anymore, thankfully

But yeah, that part sucks. I’ve been making some waves about it before everything went to shit

Flo Milton-Ryder

Should’ve made more

Lorna Fielding

Probably

Hell, maybe that can still come out of this mess. I sure hope so

But also, like

I wouldn’t have had her if they worked that way

She’s much better off and happier as a woman but she didn’t know that was what she needed

Flo Milton-Ryder

huh

well, shit

Mandy said the same when she came clean

But it shouldn’t be worth it right

Lorna Fielding

And yet.

Flo Milton-Ryder

And yet

June 28, 2020

Private Message

Alice

So what do you need me to do when I’m landed exactly

Jane Shearer

Nothing. Live your life normally, or close as you can an ocean away

And pay attention if anything here starts blaring alarms

Otherwise all the ‘need’ is on our side

Alice

Well. That’s helpful.

Jane Shearer

So I hope. Nobody will get you over here

Alice

Well, other than your people

Jane Shearer

Other than them, yes.

Alice

Reassuring as always

Recording from listening devices in temporary Milton-Ryder residence, June 30 2020

Device #4 (foyer), 10:17 BST

“God, fucking Britain. I’d want this place to burn if it didn’t feel like it already is.”

“You remember where we live, right?”

“Yeah, low bar. But this place digs into the mud.” [pause] “One sec. Fucking smart home, really?”

[rapid footsteps, click, static]

Device #2 (living room), 10:19 BST

“I mean, it’s also a me thing, I get it. The after was mostly fine, it’s the before and the during that haunts me.”

“I wonder which does more.”

[pause, sigh] “Fuck if I know. I try not to think about it.”

“I would too, I guess.”

“See, you get me.”

“I… shit, I hope I do. I’ve been processing it all for the last week and I still think I’ll wake up from a fever dream any moment.”

“Well, this one is a living nightmare! Fun, isn’t it?”

“I just… well, I don’t know.”

“About us?”

[sigh] “Yeah.”

“Well… I did say I was a shitty person back before I figured my shit out.”

“I guess I didn’t want to believe you.”

“I understand. I wouldn’t either.”

“And I didn’t expect that you figured it out like that.”

[chuckle] “Fair.”

“We’ll talk about it. I… This isn’t me accusing you of anything or- or saying it changes what we are. I love you, and I want to be with you, but we’ll need to sort this shit out.”

“Yeah. We will.”

“But first, a damn shower.”

“Alright. All the stuff should be in there, go ahead.”

[footsteps]

“Oh hey, wasn’t the only place.”

[thud, static]

Device #9 (upstairs landing), 10:33 BST

[tapping sounds, mumbling] “Couldn’t have stayed bloody well dead and buried, could you? And for what? Since when are they not killing off the ‘boys’, anyway? Like I couldn’t have used a… well… shit. No, I’ll have the right to complain about that when I can look any of my exes in the eyes.” [notification sound] “God, what now?”

Messages on the Dorley instance of Consensus

June 30, 2020

Group chat

Christine Hale

Alice

what is this

Christine Hale

Please stop breaking our surveillance equipment.

Alice

Please stop surveilling me then

Jane Shearer

We need to know if you’re in trouble.

Alice

I thought nobody was going to get me here

Jane Shearer

And this is how we make sure of that.

Alice

So put a camera up over the exits or whatever, what do you need to know what my wife and I talk about

Christine Hale

Oh we have

Jane Shearer

Please. We’ll need to be quick if anything goes wrong.

Alice

You’re like five years late for that

Where else are they

Jane Shearer

Amanda. Please.

Christine Hale

Living room, foyer, hallways, kitchen and outside

Nowhere that invades your privacy too much

Alice

Me being in this country is invading my privacy too much

but fine, whatever

I’m telling Flo though

Jane Shearer

Well I can’t stop you

Alice

No you cannot.

Alice left the chat

Christine Hale

What’s her problem?

Jane Shearer

She didn’t have a great time here

And not just in the usual way

Look it up in the archives if you’re curious, not that I could stop you either

Recording from listening devices in temporary Milton-Ryder residence, June 30 2020

Device #1 (outside), 15:32 BST

“Didn’t know you smoked.”

“I don’t.”

“You’re not this bad at lying. I can see your hands, you know.”

“It’s not what I… okay, you’re joking, I get that. What I mean is… Alice did. Does, apparently.”

[sigh] “Give me one?..” [lighter spark] “So, you’re plural or something too then? How many secrets is that already?”

[laugh] “No. Well… No, I don’t think. What I mean is this place bums me the fuck out, and in large part that’s because of who I used to be.”

“Before… transitioning?”

[chuckle] “You were gonna say before Dorley, didn’t you?”

“Busted. But that too.”

“No. Well, yes, but not just that part. There’s a reason I changed my name again. And why I left. ‘Alice’ is… all of that.”

“Wait, you mean to tell me you got back to the old tricks?”

“Oh, fuck no. On the straight and narrow. But… it always felt like I was. Every time someone fell for me I wondered if I manipulated her into it. Or if I didn’t, I was about to. To keep it going, to get something out of her, or maybe just because I was a fuckup. Didn’t help that I kept a real big fucking secret from all of them, either. It’s like…” [puff] “They said they’d fix me, but they just broke me in a more useful way.”

“And packing up did fix you?”

“Yeah. Packing up. Time. Changing my name from the one I took in the basement.”

“Not therapy?”

“How would I even begin? Besides, I didn’t have a great experience back then.”

Excerpts from Dorley Hall security recordings

Sponsor meeting, March 22 2013

“Jensen Taylor.”

“Ah, our lover boy. Responding to preliminary measures?”

“Hard to say. He says he understands what he’s doing is wrong, but can’t stop himself.”

“Can’t or doesn’t want to?”

“What’s the difference?”

“Same as one between a washout and a graduate.”

“Not an intake is still an option. The rate did go down after we started. Not to zero, but a good start.”

“He used Tabby, Maria, not an intake is not an option.”

“Personal grievances shouldn’t be part of our decision making.”

“It’s not a grievance, it’s a sign that he’s bloody stupid, too.”

“Anyone else have an input?”

“Why can’t he stop himself? According to him and/or the therapist.”

“Says he always feels like… let me quote this… an overfilled sack of shit. The doctor suggests he projects the feeling outwards.”

“So we’ll be saving him from himself, too.”

“But why does he feel that way?”

“I’m guessing you have a theory?”

“I do.”

“Care to share with the class?”

“Is it going to keep him out of the basement?”

“No… no, probably not. He swindled Tabby, Jane, come on now.”

Messages on the Dorley IRC server

March 22, 2013

Private message

<maria> Unofficially speaking, could you share that theory?

<jane> Do we have an early-warning therapist that works with, like, trans shit

<maria> Are you saying that he’s

<jane> I’m saying it’s a possibility

<maria> Hm

<maria> Well, all for the better if so

<jane> Other than the rest of the basement experience

<maria> Well there’s also the rest of *his* experience

<jane> Still, could you look into it

<maria> I’ll see what I can do

<maria> But don’t get your hopes up

Messages on the Dorley instance of Consensus

July 1, 2020

Class of ‘13 channel

Alice has been invited to the channel by Kate

Martina

You promised that we’d leave her alone

Kate

Shut it

Alice

hey

why?

Kate

Catching up

It’s been like five years

Alice

Not enough by a couple of decades for me

Or by seven

Martina

Sorry, wasn’t my idea

Alice

Yeah I got that the first time

But while I’m here, Tina-

Did they end up looping you in to sponsor

Martina

Again, sorry

And no

Like, I’m still grateful (spare me the lecture) but the place started to get to me

Started seeing the shitty sides after our talk

I left after graduating Saints

Up to Scotland instead of half way around the world but still

Alice

Good. Good

Kate

So how’s america been

Alice left the channel

Recording from listening devices in temporary Milton-Ryder residence, July 1 2020

Device #6 (study), 17:20 BST

“Something’s up, Mandy.”

“No, not really?”

“Wasn’t a question, and you suck at lying.”

“Deliberately.”

[sharp inhale] “Uh… okay, yeah, sour spot, sorry.”

“No, I… I’m fine. Not a problem.”

“Still, sorry. But something is up, because it’s the first time I saw you smiling since we got off the plane.”

[chuckle] “Is it? Shit, there really is something in the English air then.”

“Stop evaaa-diiiing.”

“Fine, fine. I just… talked to some of the girls from my, ahem, ‘class’. One told me she’d left soon after instead of signing up, partially because of me. So, you know, feeling like I did some good.”

“You’ve done plenty good back home, you know.”

“But I’m not back home. This place had me feeling all shitty again.”

“Dysphoric?”

“No, not like that. Just, like, as a person. This reminded me I was already better when I left.”

“Well, if you need a reminder that you aren’t bad now, wherever you are, then I’m all happy to provide one.”

“Are you sure I’m-”

“Yes. Shut up.”

“Okay.”

[bell dings]

“Who’d want to… oh. Shit.”

“We could pretend we’re not home?”

“Ha.”

Device #1 (outside), 17:23 BST

“Hello, uh, ma’am, I need to speak to Amanda Milton-Ryder, I’m assuming that’s you?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then, Mrs. Milton-Ryder, unless you’d prefer Alice Marshall.”

“I would not.”

“Or Jen-”

“I would not.”

“Understood. Could we speak then?”

“Do you have a warrant?”

“Ma’am, it’s my understanding you’ve spent time in the States recently, but we really do just want to talk.”

“It’s my understanding that you don’t have a warrant and so I don’t have to go anywhere or invite you in. I would prefer not to. If either of those changes at any point, we’ll be in touch.”

[sigh] “Have a nice day, Mrs. Milton-Ryder.”

[door closes]

“What the fuck was that.”

Messages on the Dorley instance of Consensus

July 1, 2020

Private message

Alice

What the fuck was that?

Jane Shearer

What the fuck was what?

Alice

Cops at my door, asking to ‘have a talk’. Thought you got that handled? Is it part of the plan then?

Jane Shearer

Seems to me like you handled it pretty well yourself

Alice

So you do know.

Stop evading

Jane Shearer

Not mine. And not ours, not directly. I told you about some people connecting the dots, right? Well, some of those were in the police

Alice

But why me?

Jane Shearer

You have a bigger paper trail than most, what with the second name and the moving and the you know what

Alice

The America of it all yes let’s not dwell on that, I got you

Fucking Virginia

Jane Shearer

Did you say anything

Alice

To cops? Don’t insult me

Jane Shearer

Good. We, uh, might need you to, eventually, but that’s for later

Alice

Fucks sake

Was this trip actually for my protection

Thought the whole point was so that I don’t get in trouble

I might have gotten kidnapped in america (again) (if that shit’s real) but I wouldn’t be answering cops’ questions

Jane Shearer

Mostly. Sorry

Alice

Not making the best case for helping you

Jane Shearer

Not us, per se

Alice

excuse me?

Jane Shearer

There are plans happening that I think you’ll like

Can’t say more because I’m not part of them

Alice

But I am?

Jane Shearer

If you want to be. Someone will be in touch

July 4, 2020

Private message

Alice

Where are you

Flo Milton-Ryder

Kidnapped

Joking. Just out with someone

Alice

Someone I know?

Flo Milton-Ryder

Uh maybe? Not sure. What’s with the questions? You getting possessive again?

Alice

Never was actually, the one way I haven’t fucked up

Just worried with all of the shit, with Dorley and the cops and

Flo Milton-Ryder

I’ll be okay, back in, like, a couple of hours.

Is that why you’re writing here?

Alice

Yes

For all their faults they haven’t all been exposed already so there’s good security

Flo Milton-Ryder

Okay but if you keep doing that then at least use your actual name with me

It’s getting pretty stupid

Alice

It’s not that

Flo Milton-Ryder

Yeah I remember our talk, I was there

If you’re a different person while you’re here, then you’re a worse one

I need my Mandy back. Please

Alice

I’m

Yeah you’re right babe

Alice changed her name to Amanda Milton-Ryder

Amanda Milton-Ryder

There

Flo Milton-Ryder

Thanks

Amanda Milton-Ryder

So, what’s your meeting about anyway

Flo Milton-Ryder

You’ll see soon enough;)

July 7, 2020

New channel 7

Tabitha Forbes invited Amanda Milton-Ryder, Lorna Fielding, Melissa Haverford and Stephanie Riley

Tabitha Forbes changed channel name from New channel 7 to New New Dorley

Lorna Fielding

Oh shit it’s happening

Tabitha Forbes

Yes. This group is just from the ones I know so feel free to suggest others

Lorna Fielding invited Vicky Robinson

Tabitha Forbes

I said suggest

Lorna Fielding

If you count then she fucking counts

Melissa Haverford

What’s going on

And why does it include me

And Steph

Amanda Milton-Ryder

Seconded on what’s going on but I’m sensing a theme here

Amanda Milton-Ryder invited Flo Milton-Ryder

Tabitha Forbes

Suggest

Amanda Milton-Ryder

Well she of all people counts

Lorna Fielding

I vouch for her, she’s done good work and has good ideas

Tabitha Forbes

and hasn’t even been read in for a month

Lorna Fielding

Yeah well the rules are kinda out the window at this point, aren’t they

Anyway she knows already because I told her

Tabitha Forbes

ugh

fine okay

anyone else

Melissa Haverford

What’s actually going on

Tabitha Forbes

We’re launching a coup

Lorna Fielding

More of a velvet revolution

Tabitha Forbes

Either way

The present company will be at the spearhead

Stephanie Riley

I didn’t sign up to be at any spearhead, I have had my fill of trouble already

Tabitha Forbes

You fell into it instead, sorry

Melissa Haverford

You know what’s going on?

Stephanie Riley

Sort of

Tabitha Forbes

Anyway, everyone calm down for a second

The plan is for Dorley to become what most of you wish it was, and have said as much on record

What it was for Steph, but for everyone instead

i.e. halfway house/community group/material support space for disadvantaged trans women

Amanda Milton-Ryder

And the catch is?

Tabitha Forbes

The catch is, for us to successfully do that, we’ll need to force the others’ hand

We’ve got some heavy artillery working on convincing them but there’s also the hard part.

And that hard part is yours to play. I’m asking you to pretend it’s been that already

While talking to… certain people

Vicky Robinson

Oh hey Lorna got through to y’all huh

Do I wish Dorley was like that though

Lorna Fielding

Yes you do

Melissa Haverford

I thought I wasn’t supposed to be associated with the place

Tabitha Forbes

You are now, like it or not

Amanda Milton-Ryder

Wait, did you send the cops to me

Tabitha Forbes

What? no

Why would we do that before talking to you about what to tell them

But, yes, cops will be some of those certain people

Amanda Milton-Ryder

seriously??

[Tabitha Forbes set channel mode to: restricted]

Tabitha Forbes

I understand everyone has questions but let me lay out the whole plan first

Recording from listening devices in temporary Milton-Ryder residence, July 7 2020

Device #6 (study), 16:02 BST

“So. Is this what the meeting the other day was about?”

“Yeah. Pretty neat, isn’t it?”

“I’m not sure about it.”

“What, lying to cops? Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“First time on behalf of a kidnapping ring.”

“Have you missed the memo? It’s so that they become not a kidnapping ring.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it. Or hear it from another continent, preferably.” [sigh] “Still can’t believe Dorley scooped you up like that.”

“Didn’t, actually. Lorna isn’t one of them, she’s kind of in the same situation as me. Vicky is one of them and she’s her girlfriend.”

“Hm, so, what, she’s just trans the normal way?”

“Yes. ‘Free range’, she called it. I told her she’s in too deep if she’s using that kind of lingo. She said they have lingo for that too, I said I don’t want to know it.”

“Is that you trying to convince me Dorley didn’t scoop you up?”

“Yes. But anyway, these gals are trying to make things better. I’ve talked about this with Lorna – someone told her and she told me that you wanted this when you were still back here. So isn’t this a good deal?”

“I suppose. I’ll think about it.”

Device #1 (outside), 16:35 BST

“Did you mean you’d have a smoke about it or does that just come naturally?”

“It helps me think, plus I like the little scary pictures.”

“Lung cancer, huh?”

“Some back at college used to play collect-em-all with those.”

“I sure hope you don’t. So, first – share,” [lighter sparks] “and second, what are you thinking then?”

“Do you really believe they’ll do it? Change Dorley? I’m ready to help if it works out, but I don’t want to just help the hall out of trouble if it keeps going same as it was.”

“Yeah. I do. The girls in that channel were serious, and they have other high-up supporters. Plus, like Tabitha said, their hand will be forced, what with all the scrutiny.”

“Not like they haven’t gotten away with shit before.”

“They’ll make it better.”

“Really?”

“Well look at it this way, it’s either this or everyone goes to prison and there’s no mysteriously rich organization helping trans women.”

“I’m just still not sure what ‘this’ is.”

“A mysteriously rich organization helping trans women, have you been listening?”

“Ha ha. I mean, we could use a win, but I’m just not sure if they’ll actually commit to that.”

“They’ll be kept in check.”

“Do you really think so?”

“I think they’ll have no other choice.”

[sigh] “Okay. Then I’ll do it.”

Messages on the Dorley instance of Consensus

July 8, 2020

Private message

Amanda Milton-Ryder

I’m ready, tell me what to say and have them send someone

Tabitha Forbes

Well we’ve covered the big things already. The story details are in the channel, your specific experience is a mesh of that and your NPH

Amanda Milton-Ryder

One small problem with that. If it’s supposed to be ‘disadvantaged trans women’, then I’m only batting 2 out of 3

Tabitha Forbes

Right. Don’t suppose you were scared of your parents finding out?

Amanda Milton-Ryder

Living on my own and with a job. I could’ve probably handled transitioning by myself financially, if I saved up a little instead of blowing money at clubs and being a dipshit

Tabitha Forbes

Okay. Tell them you paid us for your stay, then

Covered your own expenses and a little more to support the cause

Amanda Milton-Ryder

What did happen to my old stuff, actually

Tabitha Forbes

Well let’s just say you wouldn’t be entirely lying

Amanda Milton-Ryder

Wow

okay

never mind I asked

Recording from listening devices in temporary Milton-Ryder residence, July 10 2020

Device #1 (outside), 14:23 BST

“Ms. Milton-Ryder, if I understand correctly, you are willing to speak to us now?”

“Yes. Come in, and excuse the mess.”

Device #5 (living room), 14:24 BST

“I will get straight to the point, Ms. Milton-Ryder. Tell us what happened at Dorley Hall.”

“Well, I can only speak for myself, you understand…”

* * *

“You’re not in contact with them anymore?”

“No. I’ve had a falling out with the lot of them.”

“But you send Christmas cards every year?”

“Ever get into a big fight with some of your family? Found family is the same way. I don’t need to keep in touch, but I wouldn’t want to lose them entirely.”

“So, this Maria Lam is the one you formed a connection with, then?”

“Yes. The others were… just kind of there at the same time as me. Maria did a lot to keep me going, even if we didn’t always see eye to eye.”

* * *

“But why disappear?”

[sigh] “I guess I found it easier at the time. I fucked up a lot. Nothing illegal, but there’s still a lot of people I’d rather not look in the eye. The opportunity was given to me, and I chose a clean break. Sort of the same as I did when I changed my name and moved to the States.”

“I see. How did it start?”

“Someone in university, can’t remember who by now, reached out with a tip, once the word spread a little.”

“And they were doing it just out of goodness of their hearts?”

“They were doing it to me because I paid them.”

“There are women we know of who couldn’t possibly have. Do you know anything about how that was handled?”

“Like I’ve said, I can only speak for myself.”

“Understood, Ms. Milton-Ryder. I think that will be all.”

“I’ll get the door, constable.”

Messages on the Dorley instance of Consensus

July 10, 2020

Private message

Jane Shearer

So how’d it go

Amanda Milton-Ryder

Fine, I guess. We’ll see when we’re all either in the clear or hauled off to jail

Jane Shearer

ha ha

Amanda Milton-Ryder

I’m not laughing, Jane

July 12, 2020

New New Dorley channel

Tabitha Forbes

So, everyone had their fill of talking to cops?

[:checkmark: 6] [:sick: 4]

Lorna Fielding

And media

Tabitha Forbes

Oh shit I’m so sorry

Lorna Fielding

It was the not-shit kind of media, I’m fine

Amanda Milton-Ryder

So how long until we find out if it worked

Tabitha Forbes

Half an hour or so. I’m going into a meeting with Bea and Maria soon, with some backup thanks to you all.

Stephanie Riley

Good luck.

July 13, 2020

Private message

Amanda Milton-Ryder

So, anything happen to those Smyth-Farrows thugs or whoever yet

If they were even real

Jane Shearer

They are. Someone’s working on it

Amanda Milton-Ryder

To put it more bluntly: When can I be separated from y’all by an ocean

Don’t think I haven’t noticed you told me to lie for you again

Jane Shearer

Does it count if it’s for a good cause

Amanda Milton-Ryder

I’ve seen what you count as good cause, spare me

Jane Shearer

Anyway, like I said someone’s working on it

We won’t ask anything else of you

Other than to keep the app installed so you can know when you’re in the clear

July 27, 2020

Private message

Jane Shearer

Good news.

The problem is contained, you can go back now.

Amanda Milton-Ryder

When

Jane Shearer

Sunday.

[File attachments: ticket_a-miltonryder.pdf; ticket_f-miltonryder.pdf]

For what it’s worth, I’m sorry

Amanda Milton-Ryder

I bet.

Jane Shearer

And you were right all the way back then.

Have a safe flight. [message couldn’t be delivered]

Private message

Lorna Fielding

Have a safe flight.

Flo Milton-Ryder

Will do, thanks.

Lorna Fielding

And thank you

Flo Milton-Ryder

What for?

Lorna Fielding

Getting Amanda to see it through. Her testimony helped push it all over the edge

Flo Milton-Ryder

Did I?

Well, I guess I

shit

better not tell her that

Lorna Fielding

Don’t suppose she’ll go ahead and ruin everything if you do?

Flo Milton-Ryder

No, that’s not how Mandy works

Not now and… probably not ever, actually

But I don’t want to hurt her anyway

Lorna Fielding

I get that

Sorry you got into this whole mess, I know how it feels

Flo Milton-Ryder

Apology accepted.

Speaking of, this place still feels really weird and I’ll be deleting it soon

But, y’know, activist to activist

Lorna Fielding

Oh, yeah, sure

I’ll be in this for a while still but I’ll add you on regular consensus

Flo Milton-Ryder

Great

As long as I don’t hear about Dorley

Lorna Fielding

No promises but I’ll try

Collection of correspondence received at Dorley Hall from Mrs. Milton-Ryder

December 25, 2020

From: Amanda Milton-Ryder
(redacted)
Seattle, WA
United States

Hope the new administration works out. Genuinely. Also hope it doesn’t involve me in any way.

I’m fine, I think.

Merry Christmas, and happy holidays from Flo.

To: Maria Lam
Room 307
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH
United Kingdom

January 17, 2021

From: Maria Lam
Room 108
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH
United Kingdom

[RETURN TO SENDER] - delivery declined

To: Amanda Milton-Ryder
(redacted)
Seattle, WA
United States

December 25, 2021

From: Amanda Milton-Ryder
(redacted)
Seattle, WA
United States

Still not reading that, but good on you for the new digs.

I’ll get straight to the point. If you weren’t bullshitting me about saving our stuff for us and not whoever’s in charge, then send mine to the University of Washington hospital.

I’m doing great.

Merry Christmas, and happy holidays from Flo.

To: Maria Lam
Room 108
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH
United Kingdom

December 25, 2022

From: Amanda Milton-Ryder
(redacted)
Seattle, WA
United States

Thank you.

I’m the best I’ve ever been.

I won’t be writing anymore.

Merry Christmas, and happy holidays from Flo and little Claire.

To: Maria Lam
Room 108
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH
United Kingdom

January 11, 2023

From: Maria Lam
Room 108
Dorley Hall, University of St. Almsworth
ALMSWORTH
United Kingdom

[RETURN TO SENDER] - delivery declined

To: Amanda Milton-Ryder
(redacted)
Seattle, WA
United States

Notes:

The song she's singing on Christmas is Maria by Aliceband (wonder what that name could've brought on) and is also what I had on repeat for a while thinking about this

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