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i.
The first night she goes to bed with Ross, Demelza cannot sleep.
Demelza rarely has trouble sleeping, often so tired from the day’s work that she drifts off as soon as she lies down at night. But despite the long day’s chores, her mind is active, though her body lies still beside Ross.
Ross is a sound sleeper, she learns, observing his habits abed the same way she has taken to learning his habits during the day. Though perhaps he is not always so quick to sleep, and tonight is an anomaly.
She could learn, if given the time, but of course, she knows she will not be. Ross is her master, or he was her master. He was a good master, kind and generous in most things, a good sort of gentleman, and handsome to look at. Demelza knew what folks were saying about them, and she had wondered many times what it might be like if those rumors were true.
Only idle curiosity, she’d tell herself.
Except now it is idle curiosity no more.
Demelza does not believe in regrets, and truly, she would have none to speak of even if she did. Instead, she chooses to look to what may come now. What has happened this night has altered her position at Nampara, but she embraces that truth. She has done nothing of which to be ashamed; she simply made a choice, one that she - no, that they have been building to for some time.
Tomorrow, she will make another choice. This one will alter the course of her future.
ii.
The wedding passes in a blur, hastened arrangements turned into hesitantly spoken vows. Demelza is only vaguely aware of herself as she dines with Ross in the kitchen, eating the meal she had prepared less out of hunger and more from wanting to keep herself from saying something she shouldn’t - something that might embarrass her around her new husband, though that has never worried her before.
Her mind is still processing the fact that she has a husband, that she is a wife. It is a heavy thought, and she finds herself timid where she would usually be bold.
She is still uncertain when they retire to the bedchamber. They have not been together in this room, in this way, since the first time, and though she knows what will come physically and is eager to explore their intimacy, she wonders if now it will be different.
“Demelza,” Ross takes her hand, leading her to the side of the bed. “It is not like you to be so quiet. Are you disappointed with today? That we could not plan a more elaborate wedding?”
“Oh, truly no, sir,” she insists with a frown.
“Ross,” he corrects gently.
“Ross,” she repeats, nodding though in her head, he is still more master than husband. “It was quite lovely. Better than anything I could have hoped for.”
Ross gives her a curious look, one that she cannot quite decipher, before he smiles and tugs her closer to him. “Well,” he declares, “I shall just have to teach you to hope for more in the future.”
Demelza nods in assent, though she knows the reality will not be so simple. But then Ross kisses her and she forgets reality for a little while.
In truth, she is grateful for the distraction.
iii.
Demelza adjusts to her new life slowly. She fares better some days, while others are more trying.
Taking Jinny on as the new kitchen maid helps, though the chores that must be done seem to multiply despite the extra help. It is truly only in the bedroom, which she still thinks of as his and not theirs, that Demelza is always aware that things are different now.
Ross declares with confidence that she is a quick learner, but he does not understand one simple matter. No matter how much or how fast she learns, in the eyes of his peers, she will never be a fine lady, deserving of her status as his wife. Demelza is constantly torn between her two selves, the kitchen maid and the wife, not fully part of either world nor entirely sure where she belongs outside of Nampara.
It is why she did not attend the funeral for Ross’s uncle. It was not the appropriate time or place, especially for an introduction. Ross himself returns late, distracted and brooding, his mind clearly burdened from the day’s events. Though it is not entirely unusual for Ross to come home late after a long day’s work, he always comes home with a smile, seems pleased to see her.
And Ross is not unkind, even in his brooding state. He never has been. In fact, he was the first man Demelza had ever met who had truly been kind to her, and that had set her heart from the very beginning. But this evening, Ross is distant, and that worries her.
They lie beside each other in bed, neither ready to succumb to sleep yet. Though they have been growing comfortable in each other’s silences, this one rings hollow.
“I’m sorry,” Demelza says simply. Her words feel inadequate, but for want of better ones, they will have to do. “I do wish I could have been there today, at least.”
“I accept your condolences, but you must not apologize, Demelza.” Ross says, finally turning his head to look at her. “I understand why you could not attend, though I admit to wishing you were at my side.”
She wishes the same. If she had been at the funeral that day, perhaps she might know what is really bothering Ross. It’s not grief, not outside of the normal feelings when a family member passes. No, it is something else on her husband’s mind.
“I am at your side now,” she says as she laces her hand with his.
“That you are.” He agrees, offering her a small smile. When he kisses her, it feels like an affirmation.
Encouraged, Demelza presses into his side and kisses him again. She has never initiated intimacy before, though she often desired to, and tonight she feels she has something to offer them both.
“Let me take care of you,” she whispers into his ear.
In this room, at his side, at least, she belongs.
iv.
Though she had been dreading Verity’s visit, Demelza finds Nampara suddenly empty without her new friend.
Where once she feared Ross’s cousin would turn up her nose at his choice of wife, she found a dear companion. Verity’s guidance had already proven invaluable, but her friendship moreso. And Demelza knows that with her life - and Ross’s - about to change, that friendship will be even more important to them both.
Abed that evening, Nampara feels quieter than the night before as Demelza enjoys a brief respite from her frequent bouts of nausea as she practices her letters. When she finally puts her book aside, she finds Ross staring at her intently.
“You are studying that book with renewed vigor,” he observes affectionately. “Did Verity endeavor to teach you to read as well as to dance this week?”
“Oh no, Ross,” she answers. “But I did decide I must learn more quickly if I am to write to her someday soon.”
“I’m sure she would like that.”
“I would too,” Demelza agrees.
“I must admit,” Ross begins, placing his own work to one side as he draws her in closer. “As happy as I am to see Verity, I am selfish and I do not enjoy sharing you, even with Verity.”
“I am also,” she laughs, “quite happy to have you all to myself again. Although I suppose I still must share you with Wheal Leisure, but there are worse choices I could make than to have a hard-working husband.”
“Well, there are worse choices I could make than to have a determined wife,” he says as he kisses her. “But I would not mind, determined or not, as long as she were happy.”
“I am, Ross,” she says, thinking of the family she left and the family they are now starting. “You must know that whatever problems we face, I am happy.”
“Good,” he whispers in her ear, the nearness of him sending shivers down her spine.
“And are you?” She asks, leaning back to look at his face. “Are you happy?”
“I am,” he affirms, grinning as he braces himself over her. “I shall endeavor to show you how much.”
v.
The night Ross tells her that he loves her, Demelza sleeps soundly and dreams of the future.
In the morning, she wakes Ross and they rise to make the future happen.