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xB considered himself to be a fairly calm guy. He could keep his cool in any situation, no matter the stressor. Being trapped in a death loop, being pranked or griefed, being teased or laughed at, or just messing up and frustrating himself, he stayed calm and relatively happy, a smile on his face. As long as he stayed in control of himself, the ache couldn’t get him. He wouldn’t spiral into bad thoughts, the thoughts that kept him up on bad nights, stopped him from reaching out to his friends, from doing things he knew would keep him happy.
But sometimes he had a bad day, and those bad days added up, leading to now.
At a fun party, surrounded by all his friends, people he loved to be around, hyperventilating in a corner.
His breath came in quick, heavy pants. His chest ached, pain striking his heart and stomach and lungs. Every thought spiraled him further, just as every breath kept the ache strong.
Too many people.
Too many sounds.
Cheers and cries and laughter and so much talking.
Loud and loud and close and touching and–
A hand rubbing softly against his arm.
He flinched back wildly, not hearing anything, the pain drowning out any sounds.
His throat hurt from gasping, his lungs empty of anything.
Tears blurred his eyes. He could just barely feel them streaming down his face, the sensation overtaken by the buzz in his head.
Fuck.
His head was heavy and throbbing, and blindly grasped a hand towards it, missing and landing on his thigh.
His nails clawed forward, digging into his jeans. He kept going, desperate for the blood, the pain, the pressure, anything to relieve the chestache.
His eyes were open, but he couldn’t see anything.
That was worse, so much worse. Why couldn’t he see anything?!
Faintly, he heard a voice in front of him. A blurred, slurred kind of speech.
“Can you breathe for me?”
Blindly, he nodded frantically, his breathing speeding up even more as he tried to reset it. Fuck again. Why was breathing so hard right now?!
“Hey, xB. Listen to my voice. I want you to do what I’m saying, okay?”
xB could only breathe more, claws digging farther into his legs.
“In, and out. Focus on me. I’m right here.”
Somehow, xB managed to inhale with the voice’s words, only stuttering slightly. In-in and out-out-out. In-in-in, and out. In, and out-out.
“Good. Now what are five things you can feel? You don’t have to say them out loud, but just think them.”
Dirt, slightly damp against his palm. Wetness on his cheeks. Rough cloth, jeans ruffling against his skin. Cool stone under his tail. A-A faint breeze blowing on his face.
“Good, you’re doing so well. Just keep breathing for me, okay? Just a few more.”
In-in, and out. In, and out. Iiiin, and ouuut.
“Can you tell me four things you can hear? Try to say them out loud this time, but it’s okay if you can’t.”
His voice came out in a slow, too-quiet creak. “The-the wind. Your voice. My-” His voice gave out as another pain echoed from his chest all through his body. My heartbeat. A stream, somewhere.
“Alright, that’s fine. You’re doing amazing. Just focus on me.”
Huh. When had he ended up on the ground?
He was sitting on the ground, arms curled around his knees, tail wrapped around those. He unclamped his cramped hands from the thighs, blood clinging to his fingers.
His chest still heaved slightly, his ribcage still felt shrunken and pressing on his heart and lungs, but he could think.
He could raise his head, focusing his eyes. Huh.
He was outside of Ren’s magical library, where the celebration had been taking place.
Instead of bookshelves and party streamers, xB could see plants and soft dirt, worn cobble and faint blue streams of magic. A faint pulsing sound, the heartbeat of a party, echoed behind him.
He winced slightly, startling at the clarity he suddenly felt, but not as badly as before.
Before. . .
He fully looked up, gaze locking in on the person in front of him.
“Hey, Pearl. Sorry, about all of that.”
Instead of snapping at him, blaming him for ruining her fun and forcing her away from the party, Pearl gave a small, almost sad smile.
“Aw, man, no need to apologize. I’m sorry, really. I should have noticed sooner that you were overwhelmed and told people to calm down a bit.”
A sharp pain shot through xB at the thought, and a small bit of hyperventilation kicked in again. “No! No, no, I don’t want to be a bother. It’s bad enough I made you leave, I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s night. I-I don’t know why this happened, but it’s my bad.”
Pearl stared at him. “Wow, we really need to work on your self-esteem. The party isn’t important if one of our friends is being hurt by it!”
xB grimaced. “I know, I know. But I just. Don’t want to bother anyone.”
“Can I touch you?”
Immediately, xB stiffened. He unconsciously shoved himself farther away, curling up as small as he could. “No.”
Pearl moved away a bit, simply resting a hand in the dirt between her and xB. “We’re your friends, y’know. You’re never a burden to us. Now, I don’t know what happened tonight, but I’m here for you. We can stay out here as long as you need, or I can fly you back to your place. I’m with you.”
xB’s eyes stung with tears again, but not the horrible, uncontrollable ones from before. He let out a choked giggle. “Thank you, Pearl. I think I just need a minute to sit.”
She smiled at him, then turned slightly away, staring up at the stars. “I was kinda getting a bit overwhelmed in there myself. This is nice, just sitting out here with you.”
Following Pearl’s gaze, xB turned towards the sky. The thin sliver of a moon glimmered like silk between the endless glittering stars, emboldened against a dark blue-black background. Beautiful, and calm. Vast and unknowable, yet peaceful and eternal. His heart still hurt, the remnants of tears were still drying painfully on his face, his breathing still stuttered and flinched, but he could see the stars, and they were okay. “Yes, it is.”