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Pei Zhen stepped into the large, vacant house, his footsteps echoing. He let his blazer slip from his hands and fall to the floor, his eyes falling on the white marble table that was always spotless, always without blemish.
He trudges forward and steps onto the table, hoping to make a mark and feel something, other than that gaping hole of emptiness in his chest.
The table remains spotless, the way it always has been.
The same way his family looked to the world.
The same way his father wanted him to be.
His gaze travels to the vase on the table and he kicks it, watches as it glides off the table, watches as it spills its contents onto the white rug below.
The void in his chest expands a little more.
He looks up, surveying the house that he grew up in, its high levels and tall arches, looming over him.
Loomed just like the responsibilities he had to take on as the eldest. Loomed like the exorbitant standards his father held. Loomed like his constant need to be better, to push harder, to go further.
Needs and standards and responsibilities that were now void, because they had no purpose to fulfil, now that his father was apprehended and his stepmom had left, taking any semblance of a future he might have had.
Adrift. That joins the emptiness in his chest and leaves a throbbing ache in his heart.
He stares out into the garden, watching the trees sway softly in the wind and the sun shining down on them and wonders, how different it would have been if they had tried to build a home.
He watches the tendrils of the sun touching the tip of his loafers, as if saying that there was still light, still hope, a chance.
He heaves a sigh, pulling out his phone and sinking to sit on the table, typing out a message to Xiao Zhi Yu, telling him to meet. His finger hovers over the ‘send’ button, because sending it would mean he has to see Zhi Yu again, disrupting Zhi Yu’s life again, more so now that he has Hu Xiu.
His heart aches at the thought of them, one that brought him a glimpse of home and one that brought a sliver of light into his dark, bleak life. He decides to hit 'send' anyway, because he has nothing more to lose, nothing else to hold on to. He switches off his phone after sending it, staring at its dark screen for a moment, thoughts and emotions swirling.
He eventually gets up, picking up his fallen blazer off the floor and takes one last look at the house he has always felt so dwarfed, so worthless, so empty in, before shutting the door to it all.
A memory comes to mind as Pei Zhen stares out at the grassy plains, where he told Zhi Yu to meet. They were young, Pei Zhen, twelve and Zhi Yu, ten, having just merged into one family recently. Pei Zhen remembers playing Jenga alone in the sitting room when Zhi Yu walked in. He stops at the doorway, a frown on his face, steps hesitant. Pei Zhen had looked up at him then, taking in Zhi Yu’s hesitancy, furrowed brows, downturned lips and all he could think of was to make his brother smile.
“Let’s play together, Qin-” Pei Zhen pauses, remembering how his father had emphasised his brother’s change in name. “Xiao Zhi Yu,” he corrected.
Zhi Yu had sat across him then, the Jenga tower between them. “Here, for you,” Pei Zhen offered the hammer to him. “You go first.” They played for a while, taking turns until Pei Zhen hit a brick too hard and the tower collapsed. He remembers the shock on Zhi Yu’s face, morphing into fear, tears welling up in his eyes. “It’s okay,” Pei Zhen had reassured with a smile, despite his heart beating too fast from Zhi Yu’s reaction, “We can start over.”
It was worth seeing Zhi Yu’s smile spread to his eyes and hearing the giggles he let out becoming music to Pei Zhen’s ears. They had both laughed then, continuing the game and having fun together.
Oh, how carefree they had been, not yet burdened by the weight of the world, of the need to compete with each other constantly, able to hold conversations that brought smiles and laughter to both, rather than the arguments or fights they had now, leaving Pei Zhen drained and exhausted after they met.
He hears the soft rumble of a car, a door opening, and footsteps approaching as he stares at the ground, his thoughts swirling about what to say.
The footsteps stop and he glances to his side, seeing Zhi Yu, but a figure in the car catches his eye. Zhi Yu follows his gaze back to Hu Xiu in the car, who’s smiling encouragingly.
“She’s fine,” Zhi Yu says.
Pei Zhen nods, gaze dropping back to the gravel at his feet.
“How is Auntie Yue’s health?” he asks because he’s not ready yet, not yet ready to pour his heart out.
“She’s fine,” Zhi Yu indulges his question but counters with another because he is Zhi Yu, and Zhi Yu always speaks his mind. “Did you call me here just to ask me that?”
Pei Zhi swallows. His eyes drift to the budding flowers in front of him, dwarfed by the tree next to them, but growing nonetheless.
“Forma Group recently held a board meeting,” he starts. “I’ve decided to change the company’s name.” He feels Zhi Yu’s gaze on him, but he keeps his eyes on the flowers in front of him, afraid of what he might see on Zhi Yu’s face.
“I just found out that the company’s name…was chosen by your father.” Pei Zhi pauses, swallowing. “It would be inappropriate…” he shakes his head as he says it. “To keep using it.”
He drops his head to his chest and takes a breath before continuing, pushing past the regret threatening to spill out.
“The changes will take some time. When I’m done, I’ll leave this place.”
I’ll leave you alone.
I won’t bother you anymore.
His half-brother lets out a deep sigh. “You’re letting go just like that? Won’t you regret it?”
A bitter scoff leaves Pei Zhen’s mouth before he can stop it. He shakes his head, as if it would clear the scars, the memories, the regrets he had.
“It has been so many years. I’ve always wanted to beat you at something. When I was young, it was about grades. When I grew up, it was about the company. Later on…” He stops, looking past Zhi Yu to Hu Xiu, thinking back on how he almost used her as leverage against Zhi Yu. “I even wanted to compete with hatred.” He inhales shakily. “But in the end, you never took me as a rival.”
A bitter smile breaks out on his face. “It’s funny, isn’t it?” His voice tapers off as he swallows past the lump in his throat and fights the sting in his eyes. He wishes to return to the past and change, to make up for his mistakes.
“What are your plans now?” Zhi Yu’s voice brings him back.
“I don’t know yet,” he’s surprised as the admission slips out. “But someone once told me this. What determines a building’s final appearance is not its foundation but your own ideas.”
Pei Zhen pauses, pondering over the words he just said. The directionless feeling lightens a little.
“I’ll go and find them.” My future. My purpose.
A beat passes. The silence stretches between them.
“Xiao Zhi Yu.” Pei Zhi fights to keep his voice steady. “We might not see each other again.”
Zhi Yu stays silent. Pei Zhen feels the void in his chest expand and overflow and suddenly he’s filled with the strong urge to make up for everything that was lost.
“I’m sorry,” He forces himself to face his brother, because that’s the least he can do. “For everything.” Zhi Yu turns to face him and Pei Zhen is struck by the fact that he has to look up to him now. “For everything I did to you. I’m sorry.” He whispers.
When did he grow up? The thought swirls in his head.
Was I there for him when he did?
Did I make him do that?
The void in his chest turns into an ache that throbs, making him grit his teeth and dig his nails into his palms because all he could feel were waves of “could haves” and “should haves” and tapering off into i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry.
Pei Zhen searches Zhi Yu’s face for an answer, and stamps down his hurt when he says nothing.
I’m sorry, he says again, in the depths of his heart.
I’m sorry for leaving you all alone and thinking my own pain was more important than yours.
He thinks back to when he didn’t meet Father’s expectations, returning to his room, not able to lie on the bed because of the angry red welts across his back. He blamed Zhi Yu then, for always setting Father’s expectations higher, for always being better.
He looks at Zhi Yu now, features matured and older, with the same loyal heart he could once depend on. He looks past Zhi Yu and sees Hu Xiu, ever gentle, always kind.
They’d be good for each other, he thinks.
“Goodbye.” Pei Zhen takes one last look at Zhi Yu, his brother, seeing all the memories they had, good and bad, flash through his mind.
I hope you do well.
I know you’ll do well.
He walks away, holding all their memories close to his heart.