Chapter Text
Whenever Charlie decided to cut himself, he was incredibly methodical. It was the same order every time:
1. Grab the alcohol wipes from under his bed.
2. Take exactly 3 tissues from his tissue box.
3. Pull his copy of The Iliad off his shelf.
4. Open it to page 241 and grab the razor blade.
5. Clean the blade with a wipe.
6. Cut.
7. Clean the cuts with an alcohol wipe.
8. Use the tissues to clean up any blood on him.
9. Put everything back to the way it was before.
Those nine steps proved to be his rock, keeping him sane enough to go to Truham every day. They kept him from completely going mental at school, stable enough to not just go into a bathroom stall and kill himself to save everyone the trouble of dealing with him.
However, his steps changed when he started to date the love of his life: Nick Nelson. Charlie started to text him first, and what started as just short exchanges soon turned into at least hour-long conversations every night. Charlie never told Nick his secret, obviously, but the chats still helped. Instead of feeling the urge to dig a razor blade into his skin, he felt obligated to not disappoint Nick. Who would want a broken boyfriend with a mind so dumb and stupid that the only way it can feel better is by making itself feel pain? Charlie couldn’t bear to make Nick worry about him even more than he already did.
So, he tried hard to stay clean. He was clean for five whole months, and started to think he would never go back. That all changed in Paris. Charlie told himself over and over again that he wouldn’t ruin the trip for Nick by doing something stupid, but his own stupid brain apparently didn’t want that. When Charlie woke up after fainting, he didn’t hurt because he passed out, he hurt when he saw the look in Nick’s eyes. Nick looked so sad and worried for Charlie, like he was the most important thing in the world to him. A small part of Charlie’s brain cherished that look: someone cared for him. The other billion parts smushed that thought deep, deep, down, and overwhelmed his brain with anger towards himself for thinking that, for disappointing Nick, causing him to worry, for being so fucking weak that he had to micro-manage everything he hate, for everything he’d ever done wrong. While the outside Charlie reassured Nick that he was okay, inside, Charlie was furiously trying to think of a solution. As much as Charlie wanted to not disappoint Nick, he knew what he had to do. If Nick never found out, there’d be no harm done.