Chapter Text
It’s not that I only helped her because I could not see her hurt. Of course, as an ADA, I wanted my witnesses to be strong in their testimony and credible to the jury. With her though, there was this aspect that I wanted to protect her. She seemed nervous when she took the stand, even though the courtroom was empty and she would not be called for another two days. It was her first court appearance and her usually so bubbly and loud demeanour had changed to a focused, almost introverted version of herself.
“The most important thing to remember is that you tell the truth and that you are sure about it. Don’t hesitate, don’t stumble, don’t think.” She was sitting in the booth, back straight, kneading her hands like it was dough. “And relax. Don’t be nervous, nothing will happen.” A loud laugh came from her mouth. Not a funny laugh, more a nervous laugh.
“Don’t be nervous? No pressure? Of course.” Never had I heard her using sarcasm. I felt a slight stab in my ribs. I wanted to make her feel more comfortable.
“Of course there is pressure. As long as you tell your side of the story, there is nothing for you to be nervous about. And whatever happens, I am here and I will navigate everything else.” I had moved in closer to her, one hand on the wooden booth and my voice only a whisper in the huge empty space. “Don’t worry, I am here.” I looked into her ice blue eyes and the moment felt like eternity. She was looking up at me, half nervous, half trusting. Her mouth formed a faint smile and she slowly nodded.
“Okay, let’s do it.” Her voice was even lower than mine. I could only hear her, because I was merely inches from her. I could even smell her perfume. Over the decades of me working as an attorney, I had prepped hundreds if not thousands of witnesses, from cooperate representatives, to private people to detectives and police officers. But for the first time, I felt that I really understood what the person on the other side of the wooden barricade was going through.
For the past month I had told myself that what I admired was her work ethic. She was loud where I was reserved, instinctive where I was analytical. She challenged my assumptions more than any detective had in years. I had called it professional admiration. Standing beside the witness stand, I realized that explanation no longer fit.
When I entered the precinct the next day for my meeting with Liv, my heart skipped a couple of beats when I saw Sarah sitting at her desk. In the past weeks, she had become a safe person for me quicker than I used to open up to other people. But this time, it was different. I made a beeline to her desk. She was deep in her laptop, typing away. There was a single wrinkle between her eyebrows and her eyes darted across the screen. For a moment I stopped and thought if I should take her out of her flow state. But before I could even think of another thought my hand had already reached out to her desk and tapped the wood next to her laptop, but far enough away to not enter her personal space. She looked up and directly into my eyes. The frown on her face instantly changed into a bright smile.
“Counselor, you scared me.” She laughed, so relaxed. And I had to laugh too. I could not remember the last time I had laughed or even smiled in this building.
“That was not my intention.” My eyes locked into hers and I wanted to stay in this bubble forever. Her smile, her warmth, her looking up at me. It was not admiration, it was happiness to see me, which was a new concept for me to grasp. “I just wanted to ask how you are doing today. You seemed nervous yesterday.” She half closed her laptop and took a deep breath.
“I am still nervous but you prepped me well yesterday. I will just look at you and I will calm down. You have this calming energy about you.” I did not expect that. Usually, I would hear adjectives like arrogant, or snarky. Calming has never been part of my persona. I searched on her face for a sign of irony. There was none. I laughed again, this time not a relaxed easy laugh but a nervous one.
“Calming?” She just nodded and opened her mouth to say something more when Liv entered the bullpen from the elevator and speed walked to her office.
“Barba, sorry for my delay. Let's start.” Sarah’s open mouth changed back to her professional smile and while I tapped on her desk again she nodded and turned back to her laptop. When I left the office an hour later, she was gone.
The next time I saw her was in the courthouse, a couple of minutes before her testimony. I had just entered the floor of the courtroom and she was already standing there, surrounded by the other detectives and Liv. The first court appearance for a new detective was a nervous situation and I was glad that she had her team by her side to take her mind off the pressure that she was feeling. She noticed me when I was a couple of steps away from the group and her smile lit up instantly.
“Counselor. I am ready.” I carefully tapped her forearm and looked her in the eyes before nodding. I could not say a word, my mouth was dry from the nervousness of the court day and her eyes. And suddenly I felt this bubble again. It was just us two, although we were surrounded by the whole team and the hassle of a busy court day.
“You will do great.” I tried to sound certain but my voice cracked and I had to clear my throat. She smiled at me and said quietly enough that only I could hear:
“As long as you will be there.”