Work Text:
r/ifuckinghatesagesisland
Whyarewestillherejusttosuffer
My (18M) Friend's (17M) Liege (???M) Keeps Getting Into Fights With The Chip And Dips Cook (19M)
Okay like so I (18M) have this friend (17M) who's kind've a friend of a person I work for and he's pretty nice but he's a fucking brainlet and spending time with either of them is genuine torture. Like they both just completely lack common sense, but like the guy is probably the least outwardly psychosis ridden out of everyone else in our year group so like he's manageable.
But he's not the issue.
His entire fucking immediate family also goes to our school and they're all absolutely insane. Like genuinely insane. Like there's one in first year and he just genuinely can't function unless he's screaming at the top of his lungs or sobbing about the grandeur of his liege, and then the two third years are just scary. Like off putting shit. Like if you're walking down the hallway and you see them like you walk the other way even if it adds like 10 minutes to your journey. I don't know what the relationships are but like we all know one of them is his dad who's pretending to be a teenager because my sort of friend keeps accidentally calling him dad and we all just thought like oh maybe it's a weird friend group thing or something and they're all just freaks but this absolutely slime ball from my form class found the guy in a fucking textbook on the 1400s and apparently he used to be a fucking anti-human war general when Briar Valley was still squaring up to every other country on the planet. But he looks like. 16. So we all just politely kinda don't acknowledge it bc we're all kind've scared of him just sliming us out in the name of the government and them never finding our bodies or sm.
Anyway, so they're problematic.
BUT THE LAST ONE SFS MAN
He's (???M) this bigass fuckin 6’7 (no it's not funny and if you comment about it I'M gonna slime YOU out) horned mf and like he's so fucking scary like so fucking scary 😭 Everything about him is spine chilling and he's one of the best mages in the world. Like and he's my sort of friend's liege but the scary dude treats him like he's 8 and keeps telling people like “Oh I can't believe how big they're getting… It feels like yesterday they were babies…” when he's talking about him and the first year so like I don't know what the actual fuck is going on there but like. He's scary so we all just once again pretend it's not happening.
But anyway, so my sort of friend is very insistent that his liege/guardian is a very nice person and all the shit he gets for looking like the babadook is completely unwarranted and yada yada and for like. 0.8 seconds I was kind've inclined to believe him, because like I don't know the dude just seems autistic as hell or something. He's never done anything to me personally ig he's just pretty scary looking and awkward, so like whatever. None of my business.
But then this new restaurant opens up in Foothill Town, the one with the fucking rodents as the mascots, which is like. Eugh. But my sort of friend's dad was working there for a week or two bc our headmage blackmailed him or something which is common enough here that no one really cares anymore, and my sort of friend insists on going to try out the food bc he wants to show his support. I thought it was just me and him going which was fine cause like as long as my boss isn't there he's a bit more chill to be around bc they aren't feeding into each other's stupidity but I fucking get to the gate and his stupid fucking family are there and the first year is already screaming hysterically about the fact I was invited and it's a big mess, but my friend's liege is like oh the more the merrier, invites are important, etc and the wet cabbage stops so I'm like okay fair enough and my sort of friend is incredibly apologetic and explains that it was really last minute and if I don't want to go it's fine but I just kinda caved and went anyway bc like I didn't want to upset him and get jumped by the entire forest plus the Briar Valley government.
So we get to the restaurant and it's pretty chill, and a couple people we go to school with are running the place, including the aforementioned slime ball, but he's far enough away from me that it's not immediately annoying. We go to order, and my sort of friend explains offhand that his liege really loves ice cream. Goes absolutely ham for any cold desert. So when we see they have ice cream on the menu, despite it being 9:38 on a Saturday, this guy orders it. Everyone else orders like normal breakfast food, but no, this guy wants fucking ice cream. Nobody comments, we all just make polite small talk, their dad comes over to say hi, all that.
Then the food gets here.
I get pancakes, my friend gets a full Queendom of Roses, the wet cabbage gets some health freak shit that shouldn't be available in a diner like this, life is good.
Until my friend's liege gets his ice cream.
Like swear to the fucking seven lightning hit a tree down the street.
Immediately my friend and the first year tense and they start going like “oh my seven what's wrong are you okay can we get you something else” and their dad is making his way over, but this mf jumps up out of the booth, ice cream in hand, and storms up to the counter and he calls out the guy working in the kitchen. Dude walks out, and my friend's liege is like. “Why would you do that” and the guy in the kitchen (19M), my upperclassmen who has a bit of a reputation for being a troll loser who doesn't go outside, is like “wtf are you talking about” and my friend's liege is like look.
Everyone is actually shitting bricks at this point bc if this guy flies off the handle the whole building might fucking blow up but like. Me and my friend go over and check the ice cream and there's nothing wrong w it. Friend's liege explains he asked for vanilla and they gave him all strawberry, and there was cake crumbs all over the top of it. Which, yeah, okay, they got your order wrong, but like absolutely no need to start moving like you're going to curse this guy's first born. We walk him back over to our table and their dad promises to fix it and goes into the kitchen.
So we wait, and like the whole restaurant is on edge at this point, but lo and behold, the other ice cream comes out.
It's like half a tub of strawberry ice cream with a third of a slice of cake just jammed into the top of it.
My friend just ends up swapping with him and takes the ice cream to prevent this guy from turning the building into a fucking crater, and his liege doesn't speak for the rest of the time we were there. We all go back to school, and no one brings it up again.
So like, middle of the school week, my friend approaches me and asks if I want to go to the diner with him again, just us, no scary liege or wet cabbage. I don't mind going again, the food was pretty decent, but I was kinda surprised he was asking me and not my boss cause I just always kinda thought they were closer but whatever. We go to the diner again and it's a pretty nice afternoon. I don't usually get breaks like this from work but my boss said I could go so I'm not gonna question it.
But while we're finishing up, who walks in, but his fucking liege. My friend says hi to him and his liege sort of barely acknowledges him and walks over to a corner booth and orders the ice cream. I'm kinda weirded out bc usually his liege has an awful lot of time for my friend, but no, just completely ignored. Even worse, their dad isn't here, so if shit goes south, no doubt we're gonna have to deal with it.
Dude gets his ice cream, and it's like radioactive green covered in every kind of syrup you can think of and honestly I would be pissed too if someone served me that, but to make everything worse, there was just a whole ass cupcake parked in the middle of the thing. Idk what he has against pastries, but like it's his last straw. My friend looks like he's about to cry, and then his liege gets up, and we watch from our table as he calls out my upperclassman again, and starts vehemently arguing with him in front of the entire restaurant. The manager comes over, my other upperclassman, and it's just no use bc when I tell you this man just genuinely started tweaking.
Like this guys actual royalty. He's all prim and proper, and like genuinely I think the only time I've ever seen him upset is when we almost all got killed by that ugly fuck from Noble Bell College last Halloween, and it wasn't even cause he nearly killed us it was just because the dude faked inviting him to a party.
This fucker genuinely reached into the ice cream bowl, scooped up the entire mfing thing in his bare ass hand and wung it at the cook. Genuinely thought my friend was experiencing heart failure.
Then it got even worse because the cook scooped it off of his face and threw it back, and now these two grown ass third years are just throwing ice cream at each other in the middle of Chip and Dips. Then they start throwing punches and they're just wrestling/fighting for like a solid 4 minutes, and like absolutely no one wanted to get in between them cause HE'S 6 FOOT 7.
Eventually my friend manages to corral him into leaving but he's covered in ice cream and he's so annoyed about it he just ended up teleporting home and leaving us there.
I now reject any invitation from him to hang out anywhere but my dorm or with my boss, but my sort of friend came over for dinner last night and ended up telling me and my boss that this just keeps fucking happening. His liege just keeps going back to Chip and Dips to fight with this dude over ice cream. Their entire family is worried because they keep offering to just take him somewhere else to get ice cream but he's insistent that it needs to be Chip and Dips and then he goes in and brawls with that blue haired pronouned fuck from Ignihyde. They've genuinely physically fought over ice cream like 7 times now in 2 weekends. My upperclassman genuinely must just sit during the week and come up with the worst ice cream combinations to serve him with some ugly poorly presented cupcake or cake slice just absolutely obliterating the top of it.
I don't know what to do anymore. My friend just keeps coming over and nearly tearing his hair out because he's never seen his liege like this before, and nothing usually annoys him and the whole family is scared of what he's going to do when they both leave for internships because it's become a routine for them, and now I'm kinda worried too. This dude sounds like he has the potential to be an earth shattering crashout, and I don't want to get lightning-ed to death because that twat upperclassman ragebaited him over rocky road or some shit.
Anyway, if anyone like ranking above number 5 in the world in terms of magical capability reads this and lives on Sage's Island, please step in bc like genuinely we might all be cooked.
EDIT: Why are you asking if it's Malleus Draconia of course it's Malleus Draconia you fucking goon
EDIT 2: Dude our headmage blackmails people into unpaid labour do you honestly think he's gonna do dick against the fucking ancient warrior in the pop music club. Be so fr.
EDIT 3: I can't say who my boss is cause his family might deadass kill me for the brainlet comment. Peace and love guys.